What shall I do ?

[Loveheart82]

My boyfriend of 2yrs left me yesterday. I have a 5yr old who he is Very close to.
He has a temper and gets angry but he's been working on it
Yesterday I found out something he liked about - very trivial - but I pulled him up on it and he started. Pulled my chair I was sitting on and told me to F off in front of my lo so I grabbed my lo and left to go to my friends to diffuse the situation as in the past they've lasted so long
I was gone a couple of hrs and he left me voicemails saying get home or if I don't he's calling the police to say I've stolen his car and he sounded so angry on the phone so I stayed at my friends a bit later
Then he said he was out of here and left?! Packed up all his things and haven't spoken to him as I'm so upset
He's made no effort today
Everything is always my fault never his
I love him but I'm finding it hard believing how someone is supposed to love me but leave me so easily
Just don't know what to do
Feel really down and first time posting on here hoping to get some advice x

Stay away,

You have no real ties with this loser. He will get much much worse. You still have time to be free from him.

ocelot I didn't advocate that OP continued with this. Sorry if it came across that way but what I actually said was to walk away from him.

At 40 it may well be that he will never evolve past this way of dealing with things, I wouldn't like to write him off totally but it's not your path to wait around for him to be 'better'. This is how he is now. Being together isn't working for either of you. Neither of you feel secure. It's the opposite of what it's supposed to feel like.

He's previously assaulted you, now he's walked out in anger and you are wondering if you should take him back?

He is forty but can't control his temper, lives with his parents, is very troubled....

You sound as though you are trying so very hard to rescue this man, and to forgive everything he does to you. He sounds like a contolling bully, and will make your life a misery once he has more control of you.

Please let him go, never buy a house with him. Give you and your child a chance at a happy life without this man.

but if I ignore him he will just get nasty won't he
So what?
You won't hear it or have to put up with it if you block, ignore and delete him.
He's an abuser.
Always has been and always will be.
You have a LO and you put up with his violence early on and stayed!
Not OK.
Have you had any contact with Womens Aid?
If not then call them now. 0808 2000 247
They can help you see this for what it is.
They can also put you on their Freedom Programme.
You don't have correct boundaries in place at all.
No doubt he's crushed your self esteem.
The Freedom Programme will help you spot these red flags in future and keep away from dangerous and horrible men.
You KNOW you deserve better than this.
You KNOW your DD deserves so much better than this.
Stop putting up with his shite.
Let him get on with his life with his mum and you get on with yours with your DD.
You need to start setting her good examples of what women are prepared to accept and what relationships should be like.
What would you say to your DD later in life if she ended up with an aggressive bully who physically attacked her? (which she will if you keep modelling this behaviour to her)
You'd get her out.
So do the same for yourself.
Keep away - block, ignore, delete.

Yes im happy to give phone and car back
It's just not as easy as I work and have to do school run so just annoying!
However to be fair, he's not asked for it back and he probably said he called the police to try get me to come back yesterday
He knows I need the car and phone for my little one etc so if he takes it back then it will make it easier for me to move on from him, if he can do that to me
He got a huge tattoo on his arm with my daughters name, we've spoken about marriage and are trying for a baby too....and now planning his house move....do I throw all that away?
Was really thinking someone would say I've over reacted at the weekend
But the responses have really made me think.....he can't love me can he...
Thing is lately I have been feeling unloved and insecure anyway but I just thought it was me...so even if he WAS sorry I don't think it would help me feel better? I know it's a bad relationship but because when it's great it lovely I feel blind to it
X

If he loves you it's in a very warped and twisted way.
You don't abuse and try to control a person you love.
You're exposing your child to this.
he's gone let him stay gone!

Be grateful you're not pregnant and haven't bought a house with him, you've got out in time

Never have a baby with this abuser.
Never ever ever.
Abuse always ramps up during pregnancy or once a baby is in the picture.
The only amount of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none!
That's right NONE!!!!!
Womens Aid - please call them.

Lesismis
I didn't think anything you said was anything but good advice
It's why I've come on here
Just needed to hear it from outside point of view
I know arguments take two so I take responsibility too yet it seems like I am the one who is trying and learning from mistakes
Maybe it is exactly that
That he doesn't love me as much as I love him
To be honest I have always questioned that and I have good reason to
I just always thought things would get better
But I just want a happy secure consistent relationship and not getting it with this man

Steam girl sorry what's an ltb?

I know your all right
The only thing I would say
Is I feel really silly calling them
Because there's much worse domestic violence then this

I know what i need to do
So I do feel better
As for giving the car phone back I can see him being very angry indeed and making my life hell but obviously I know I need to
But I'm not contacting him because that's what I've always done

I agree, Im with someone with a terrible temper but who I know loves me a lot. Problem is I have somehow "lost a fair bit of that loving feeling" because of it over the years.

I read once that the one thing all abused women say is 'there's much worse than this, other women have it so much worse'.
Don't minimise his shitty treatment of you. You deserve to be treated better.

I was with a man with an awful temper for many years. But we loved each other and I always believed that relationships take work so I just thought that was how things were, and that it'd all be ok if I tried harder. There were also occasional physical violence when he was high/drunk. We were ttc after 7 years together, but I woke up one day realising that any children we had would also end up feeling scared and on edge every time he lost his temper, and that actually I'd do anything I could to protect a child from that, even give up my chance of having kids. So I left and never looked back. It hurt, but 4 years on my life is a thousand times better. I now know what it feels like to feel safe and loved in a relationship - and it's light years away from being with these volatile angry men-children. Honestly, being single was better than being in a relationship like this. It's only with some distance from him that you will start to see how bad it was - in retrospect there was so much abuse in my relationship, but I just couldn't see it when I was in it.

The minute I give his car back means I would have to have got another one in some way shape or form
So the fact we weren't getting any credit applications and have tried so hard to get our scores up as the only option is getting a car on finance
I can budget for it and have good credit so shouldn't be a problem but ...
( not to mention him working all the hours god sends to save up ) he's then going to know that final and then again all be my fault that we then lose the house etc....we would have lost a fair bit of fees if we pull out too so again all going to be my fault

Doji wow that's good you got out
I just guess I don't want to put him in the 'offender' category because I know it sounds stupid he is also my best friend, the person I tell everything too, intimate with and trust love with all my heart so I guess that's why I'm hurting so much.....

Better to lose the fees than get tied to him forever, give the car back, sort your own car out and let him go

Yes of course
We would have lost £499 plus £99 not a lot in the great scheme of things
He also has £4K of my money and £5,500 on a credit card in my name which I took on for him..
Forgot to add he has had bad credit in the past so I helped him out with credit card - he has £33k of debt too
If I don't see that's£ again I don't really care
I've learned a lesson
To be fair when we've split in the past he always said he would pay and hasn't ever missed a payment
I just need to be careful and not throw it all back at him make it clear I don't need him as he may just leave me with the debt
But as I say I wanted to help him and knew what I was getting into

Oh I see lTB lol

And he's financially incontinent too! Gosh, what a prize, not!

Were you really going to be given a mortgage with all that debt?

Yes lesson learnt.
Never take on someone elses debt or get a credit card in your name for someone else.
It really is credit rating suicide!

How has he got so much debt?
He lives with his mum!

im seeing all these reasons you think you should stay with him, cars, houses ..you have one reason to leave.
He told you to fuck off in front of your son! What does he have to do to you before you realise he's a shit?

I honestly feel so strongly about it. I lived with a man like this for 12 years, he never hit me for most of it ..he didn't have to. He verbally abused me, controlled me and emotionally tortured me ..I put up with all of it. My Children witnessed the lot. In the end he pushed me down the stairs while my children cried on the landing.
Don't do that to your son. A car and a house isn't worth that!

I know it's hard to put in a message

Please don't think I'm doing it for a house and a car because I'm not!!
I'm Just saying it's hard because of the car situation I am in and I'm devastated and upset about the house as we've been working so hard towards it that's all

I left a relationship like this and I very strongly recommend that you do the same. My life is immeasurably improved. Please don't think about having a child with this man. Please don't think about buying a house with this man. You are on the brink of a very fortunate escape please grasp it with both hands. Take every opportunity to make your chances of escaping better: women's aid, post on here, sing like a canary to family and friends, give back phone and car, go no contact. I donate to women's aid specifically for people just like you who need the help they can give. I'm going to make another donation now that will cover the cost of your advice call, so you have no excuse for thinking you are wasting a resource that's needed for someone in worse trouble you are in worse trouble than you think.

And it's my daughter not son, think one post read it as a boy but she's a girl but I do get what you are saying

Also yes we got the mortgage in principle as we have been luckily enough to been given the deposit from my boyfs mum and he's living at home as he's paying huge chunks of his debts back, he is now earning very good money so he's able to do all this and also get a house so that's what I was saying earlier he's done very well paying so much off
He has £33k debt from his failed business 10yrs who but he's paying monthly payments through a dmp debt management plan and the mortgage co are ok with this as we have a decent deposit plus he is on really good earnings now so he has turned his business over which I'm proud of him for but as I say
No good when he treats me like that
In the past I get I'm doing all this for you and lo etc when I've said I don't want the big home I just want a happy one