I am the OW and I hate it

[Whathappensnowthen]

I am stuck in a loveless marriage with several young children. For various reasons I have been unable to leave (finances mainly). I have recently fallen into a relationship of sorts with a man I have known for about 6 months. He's a "nice" chap, but clearly ok with cheating on his wife. However, he maintains that he loves her, would never leave her etc. We are in contact frequently each day via text and meet up for trysts when we can. He is pretty emotionless towards me, however. As in, I can say how much I'm looking forward to seeing him and he will reply with a comment about the weather. I suppose in my head I always imagined an affair to be some great romance, but it really isn't. I felt unwanted and unloved in my marriage and now I feel the same with the OM. The only difference being, when it suits him and when he wants me, he is lovely to me and makes me feel special and this seems to make up for all the heartache. Clearly it doesn't. It's a bloody awful situation, I feel like shit in so many ways and have already tried to break it off with him once, but needless to say he won me round. My brain can't even countenance what this would do to his poor wife (or my useless husband for that matter) as I'm just so wrapped up in my own misery that I can't think much beyond that at present. Which is why I'm posting, I guess. I need a kick up the backside, or something to shake me to my senses. I'm so miserable but have no-one to turn to irl.

[HappyJanuary]

The misery you feel now is nothing compared to how you will feel when this man's devastated wife appears on your doorstep, or your husband is telling your family, friends and children that you've been fucking a married man.

Find some self respect, you make your own decisions and there's only so much you can blame your dh for.

[MistressDeeCee]

It has affected my relationship with the children as I resent them for the way my life has turned out

So its your husband's fault, the OM's fault, and now your childrens' fault. Not your fault, tho..

I hope your children aren't aware of your resentment

Stop being so man-focused, get help and advice and bin them. Your children aren't responsible for your life decisions - you are. You're the adult, don't entwine them into your blame mode. You are not trapped - you are in employment and not financially dependent upon your husband. It may be you can get assistance towards financial outgoings to do with children/work.

There's no time to have 2 men on the go - you have lives to sort out. Your children will still be there once you leave these men and as their mother your focus must be on them, as well as yourself.

[sallystar1976]

As much as your home situation sounds horrible, I don't really understand how you feel sleeping with a married man is helping. You lose all sympathy then I'm afraid. When this comes out you are increasing your stress tenfold, putting your children through more hurt when it sounds your home life is pretty dire as it is, not to mention the wife and her children, Pretty shitty of you really.

[puddingbunny]

'Several young children'?

Did you get so distracted by the affair that you forgot exactly how many you have, or has your husband knocked you up so many times that you lost count?

I devoutly hope you are at least taking precautions to ensure that no new small people get brought into this shitshow. (BTW, if OM says he has had the snip, he is probably lying.)

[goddessofsmallthings]

How many children do you have and what is the age range?

[user1471468700]

You resent your children?
You chose to have them.
They didn't ask to be born.
Jeez

[nooka]

I don't think that the OP is financially independent of her dh, it sounds as if her part time job is barely covering their childcare costs, and unless she can get a decent amount of spousal support and/or benefits she can't set a home up on her own.

Like everyone else OP I advise you to drop this man as soon as possible. He wants you for sex and nothing more, and your relationship with him is causing you additional harm. You are looking for love in the wrong place and the wrong way. I'd advise you start taking control of your life in small ways. Talk to your friends and family about how your family life has affected you (have you told anyone about your dh?) and build a support network. Get advice on benefits and how much your dh could be made to pay for his children. Find out if there is anywhere you can move out to. Start making plans for you and your children that don't involve your husband, or a white knight. Maybe you can't escape quite yet, but that doesn't mean you can never do so.

[Clandestino]

You resent the children you conceived with a controlling functioning alcoholic for a father.
That's where my compassion stopped. When did he have the sudden change of character and went from a caring man to an uncaring cold bastard? With the last child or did you just ignore the signs?
So you go from one cold and controlling relationship to a cold affair where the other parts only looks for a shag buddy.
You should start working on your self esteem and leave your partner and stop breaking another marriage and blame your children for your own choices. Unless they were conceived under coercion they were your choice to come to this world.

[SlottedSpoon]

Blimey, what a post full of self pity and woe.

He is clearly using you for the thrill of illicit sex. That is glaringly obvious.

Stop viewing yourself as a victim here, it will get you nowhere. Refuse to see this man, he can't even be bothered to pretend that he's all that into you - get some self respect.

Then think about where you want to go with your marriage. Decide whether you want to work on it or not and if you do then sit your husband down and have a serious conversation about how you feel.

But don't carry on this sordid pathetic nonsense.

[SlottedSpoon]

Okay just read the rest - the husband needs to go. You will find a way financially, people always do.

I think you would be happier alone.

[mamabluestar]

I don't condone the affair that you are having, but I can see and undershot you have got to this point.

My main concern for you and your children is the abusive relationship you are in with your husband - you are also taking yourself down a path to another abusive relationship, I guess you feel like you're not worth anything better. You're children will be suffering in ways you cannot see because you are so emotionally shut down. You and your husband are also teaching them that this is normal relationship, it's likely that they will end up in similar relationships when they are older and they deserve so much more.

Please, please, please go get some advice from your local domestic abuse agency.

[goddessofsmallthings]

As I've just put this link on another thread I'm adding it here so that you can find your nearest Women's Aid branch, OP //www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

[AuntieStella]

OP: you really need to do two things

a) end the affair - it's worsening your self esteem, and if discovered puts you squarely in the wrong which would make things unimaginably worse for you. And could end your marriage abruptly, so all the admin things which are preventing you from leaving right now would kick in anyhow, and in a random timing.

b) end you marriage - because the way you describe it sounds grim. Now I get you have admin issues over this. But without the awful affair hanging over you, you lose the risk if precipitate discovery and have have control of the timing. It sounds as if you need an escape fund, and somewhere to live. Ideally you'd keep the DC in the former marital home, but if you know he's going to be damned awkward, you need to work out some plan B options (and see a solicitor too, to be sure if the legal ramifications of the various possibilities).

Even starting the escape plan will help you in the round. Because taking charge of your own future - even if it takes a while to be able to leave with minimum consequences - way better for your self-esteem than being in two unloving relationships.

[Scooby20]

Op dump them both and sort yourself out.

Your husband sounds like a dickhead. So does the OM.

Resenting your kids because you stayed with a dickhead makes you come across as someone who blames everyone else for their problems.

Your husband is a dickhead, but he isn't forcing you to sex with a another dickhead. The kids didn't ask to be born, or have 'several' siblings. They didn't ask you to stay with your husband or sleep with the OM.

You have some control in your own life. If you didn't have any control you wouldn't be working or finding time to shag someone else.

If you don't sort this the outcome will probably be that your husband finds out, tells everyone that you cheated, everyone knows, your kids know, he is the victim, the OM wife finds out. Then her life, their kids life is thrown upside down, your life and your kids life go the same way. The kids (who will have picked up on how you feel) will be in the middle of their parents. One who is a dickhead but a victim and one that resents them and cheated on their dad. It's no win for your kids.

I am from a family that has several HF alcoholics. It's soul destroying but you need take some control and stop blaming everyone else for the situation you are in. Until you do you will float along into a car crash situation.

[LIZS]

You know you need to lose om. He is no better for your self esteem than an abusive husband. Tbh I'm amazed you can find the time for an affair. Can you speak to women's aid about how you can force your h to separate. Financially you might find you can claim benefits which will enable you to stay in the house. It might bring your h up short. If he gave up alcohol for example he might just manage separated. If he can't/won't let it become his issue and stop him bringing the rest of you down. Your perspective has become skewed over the years, living in such an unhappy home will have an impact on your DC and set them up for low expectations of relationships in the future.

[SandyY2K]

OP,

If you got divorced, your husband would have to pay child support if you live with the kids. That could go towards the childcare you're paying all alone now.

If you're able to pay £1300 from a part time job, it must be a fairly well paid PT job.

I don't think flaming you and being nasty is helpful here, but I do think you need to get away from your situation for your own sanity.

The truth is even if your OM was lovely and pleasant to you ..... that's still not a solution to your problem. In fact it could make things worse, because you could fall in love with him and when it gets exposed, you'd really have a hard time getting through it.

I'm going to look for a helpful link and send it to you via PM.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP, you're going to get some very projected responses on this thread, just so you're aware of that. OW are not generally tolerated here because many women have been on the receiving end and blame the OW as much, if not more, than the errant husband/partner.

That said, I know what your situation is like in reality and it sounds very sad indeed. I'm not going to talk about the risks of discovery because they may or may not be realised but I'll talk about how you're feeling because that's the bit I can relate to.

So, your situation sounds like a 'frying pan to fire' scenario to me. The attention and reciprocated desire that you wanted just isn't there. There's a reason why he 'wins you around' and that is that OW are not as commonplace as someone would think. I mean this kindly but, you could be any woman. The only difference was that many women would not 'go there' and you/we did. I know that's a bit of slap in the face but it's probably something that you realise deep down anyway.

An affair is not going to give you what you need/want here. Your only real salvation is to think about whether you want your marriage to work and if you do, put some energy and attention into it. It's not ok for your husband to be inattentive/not want you (and vice versa). You two have a contract - and children - so you will either need to make it work properly - or end it. You're using the excuse of finances but it's not real because, if your husband left you, you'd have to make it work somehow. You're entitled to end your marriage if you want to; only you know how difficult and intolerable the situation really is but at the moment, you're distracting yourself with an (unsatisfying) affair and that's actually stopping you from taking affirmative action to sort out your life.

Going back to your affair... OM is using you; even worse than that, you're allowing him to. Yes, you're both being extremely selfish but he's not even giving you the feelings of attention that you crave and that's still acceptable to you. Just how low is your self-esteem that you would allow somebody to be so dismissive and cavalier of you? He takes what he wants and leaves you and your feelings by the wayside. That is not ok.

I do feel for you, I know what it's like but this is not a solution for you. You hate it because it's making you feel crappy and so it would anybody. You have absolutely nothing to lose by ending this 'thing' with the OM because it's doing nothing but reinforcing the message that you're unlovable and undesirable and that's very unhealthy.

I think you know that he would end it in a heartbeat and walk away without looking backwards if his marriage were in any way threatened... that is a very real prospect. How would you feel if your husband found out and ended your marriage, with all the upset to your children in the wake of that? How badly would your esteem take a hit?

The OM is really not worth it. Your marriage might be worth saving. One thing that would give you an immediate boost to your sense of self-preservation, protection, and self-esteem would be in ending the affair. It's not giving you anything, it's taking, just taking - and the end result could be something you really didn't want. Don't let it get that far. For your own sake, end the affair.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I only read your first post and no others, OP. I wanted to post without having my view coloured and as a result, missed the bit about your husband being an alcoholic. It hasn't changed my post other than to make saving your marriage far less of a feature than it might have been.

You really are in a better position than you might think; you have a good job and could afford to run ONE household. You would get child maintenance from your husband. It is something to really give proper consideration to.

[Forfrigssake]

OP sometimes we get stuck in a rut and it can seem like there's no way out and we lose perspective. I'm not going to judge you for making the choices that you have because I think you're already judging yourself and you know the situation with your husband and lover can't continue.

Your lover is having the best of both worlds, he has the stability of his marriage and the thrill of a lover. He's told you he won't leave his wife so his loyalty is to her not you and he's frequently cold towards you until he basically wants sex! You're worth more than that!!

Set yourself a time limit to sort this situation out. If you feel your marriage is beyond saving have an honest chat with your husband. Is he already aware of how you feel? Does he feel the same? A real heart to heart could result in you both agreeing to try and work things out or it could start the process pf separating in an amicable way.

First step is to end this one sided affair so you have the chance to concentrate on sorting out your marriage and rebuild your self esteem. Good Luck!

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Please do as there have said and phone Womens Aid, you really need help to get out of this terrible situation.

You and your DC deserve a better life.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

*as others have said

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

You resent the children you conceived with a controlling functioning alcoholic for a father.
That's where my compassion stopped.

I agree.

[SheldonCRules]

Blaming everyone else is easier than looking at the real reason.

You made those choices, the children, not working etc. He wasn't keeping you locked up.

Now you are cheating on him and helping another adult cheat too. Do your children deserve that? They didn't ask to be born.

[PoldarksBreeches]

I cheated whilst in the midst of an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm not going to berate you for that. (It's not ok, it wasn't ok for me either, but there is a context)
Why do you think you would have to maintain 2 households?
Have you run your details through entitled to.com as a single parent to see what you might get in the way of help?
You can leave. It's always possible. This man won't meet your needs, he will just make things worse.

[Forfrigssake]

OP Just read your last comment! What a tough situation but please be reassured you are not the fragile person you think your husband has made you! You've had the strength to go against his wishes and get a job! You're coping in a really tough situation which most people would struggle in. You have the strength to sort this out! You can do it!