I am the OW and I hate it

[Whathappensnowthen]

I am stuck in a loveless marriage with several young children. For various reasons I have been unable to leave (finances mainly). I have recently fallen into a relationship of sorts with a man I have known for about 6 months. He's a "nice" chap, but clearly ok with cheating on his wife. However, he maintains that he loves her, would never leave her etc. We are in contact frequently each day via text and meet up for trysts when we can. He is pretty emotionless towards me, however. As in, I can say how much I'm looking forward to seeing him and he will reply with a comment about the weather. I suppose in my head I always imagined an affair to be some great romance, but it really isn't. I felt unwanted and unloved in my marriage and now I feel the same with the OM. The only difference being, when it suits him and when he wants me, he is lovely to me and makes me feel special and this seems to make up for all the heartache. Clearly it doesn't. It's a bloody awful situation, I feel like shit in so many ways and have already tried to break it off with him once, but needless to say he won me round. My brain can't even countenance what this would do to his poor wife (or my useless husband for that matter) as I'm just so wrapped up in my own misery that I can't think much beyond that at present. Which is why I'm posting, I guess. I need a kick up the backside, or something to shake me to my senses. I'm so miserable but have no-one to turn to irl.

[HuskyLover1]

Hi what

I had a few flings, when I was exiting my first marriage. In my defence, this was after finding out that ExH had cheated with 10 women, so at this point I was very vulnerable and seeking solace & comfort wherever I could. And in all the wrong places (ie. men)

It was a HUGE mistake. The kind of guy that will fuck a married woman, is NOT good news. They are predators and will only serve to make your misery ten times worse. Because all they want is a shag. When you are already at your rock bottom, this isn't what you need.

You need to exit your marriage. And (in time) date again and find someone new.

Fwiw, I am now happy with a lovely DH. I still unfortunately struggle with trust, but something that happened this week (another thread) seems to have cured this, once and for all.

Saying how many children you have won't out you, and it is kind of relevant, as are their ages.

[goddessofsmallthings]

What do you intend to do to 'sort out this mess'?

Do you accept that it is a mess of your own making for which the number of dc you have chosen to bring into this world cannot be held responsible?

[Whathappensnowthen]

I daren't give out any more details regarding number of children or my profession as I fear that may 'out' me. I seem to have acquired down sort of "supermum" status irl as I seen to have the perfect life from the outside, juggling career, children, "happy marriage" (oh if only they all knew what goes on behind closed doors). I am clearly not this person and I do indeed need to sort out this mess before someone else does it for me. It's all just appearances, I am on autopilot.

[goddessofsmallthings]

You seem determined to live up to your user name miserablesod

No-one is being judgemental or bitching about the number of dc the OP has, but there is justifiable concern that she has expressed herself as resenting her 'several' dc for the way her life has turned out to the extent that it has affected her relationship with them.

[TheABC]

Your husband has actually done you a favour. You know how much childcare is (presumably one or more are at school), you have a part time job, I am guessing you do all the housework, admin etc. So you are halfway out the door already. Which leaves you to find money for shelter and food. If it's over 16 hours a week, you will get tax credit help and possibly housing benefit (check with CAB). Women's Aid is often recommended on here as is their online freedom programme.

You deserve happiness, as do your children. Ditch both men and focus on that. Staying where you are just guarantees more debt, more unhappiness, more abuse.

Good luck, OP.

[Fairenuff]

I don't know OP. You made up a whole thread and now you want people to engage with you on this one. Yes, you could be telling the truth now. Or you could be making it up again with a view to a future name change

[GrinchyMcGrincherson]

You feel lost, panicked, afraid, lonely and scared. You have made a bad choice but I think you know it. You are blaming everyone else but you know you have to take some responsibility. Here's what you need to do:

Finish the affair immediately. He doesn't care for you, he is dragging you further down, the affair does nothing for you but if exposed will devastate your entire family. As he is married as well he is unlikely to expose you after you end it so use this and end it now. Stop this hurt and self destructive cycle.

Assess your marriage. Can it be saved? Would you husband accept help? Will he go to counselling?

If the marriage can't be saved you need to get out. If your pt wage is paying so much childcare you should be able to run a house. As a single mum assuming you are in the U.K. You should get top up benefits including tax credits and help with childcare as well as Maintenance from your ex. Go o CAB and find out what they are. You can also get help to pay off debt affordably. You might also be surprised how far your money goes when your husband isn't pissing it up the wall.

Contact AA for support or women's aid. They will have seen countless families in similar situations and can help.

You may not have a massive house with everyone in their own room but you can build a loving home. Away from the oppression of your husband and the uselessness of the OM you can work on building back up your relationship with your kids. Get out of the shitshow and this will become easier. You need to be able to see them as the blessing from your marriage not the millstone that keeps you in it.

You can do this but you have to face up to the fact that you CAN sort things out, you can face up to your own choices and deal with them.

[TheoriginalLEM]

You clearly dislike yourself intensely OP.

Stop using the OM as a form of self harm and focus on your self esteem issues. Get some counselling and get away from your h.

You must be reasonably intelligent to be earning eniugh noey to pay 1300 in childcare. I earn that monthly after tax doing a 40 hour week.

You need to get a hold of yourself before you self destruct.

[miserablesod]

The people that are being nasty about the several kids thing. Seriously do one. I have 'several kids' and what?! Judgemental bitches.

OP you are the master of your own destiny. You do not NEED a man to be happy. You just need yourself, your children and to get rid of the negative that is making you feel so low. Your husband.

As for the OM stop seeing him from now, he is another waste of space and is using you, but you already know that.

Further down the line when you have started to feel better, made sure your children are ok and got yourself straight you will meet someone worthy of you.

All the best.

[Scooby20]

The issue is op. You changed you story to get softer responses, but it's really a totally fmdifferent story. I commend you for coming back though. I hope it all goes as well as possible.

You have said the OM is shit and treats you like shit and don't seem particularly into him. But I understand in your other thread you told him you wanted a relationship. Are you unwilling to end things with OM simply because you are hoping he will one day leave his wife.

Are you planning on coming clean to your dh? are you going to tell them both that it's over? Or are you going to continue sleeping with the OM in the hope he one day gives you the love an attention you deserve? The alternative is that his wife finds out and he ends it, which I think will be worse for you in the long run.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I'm glad you've come back, OP, and I hope you won't leave this thread as it seems to me you'll be in need of support to untangle the various webs you've woven so you can begin to recognise that you, and you alone, created the life you have now and that you can create a better one if you so wish.

You've said that you have "several" dc which to my mind approximates to 3. However, you've also said that your dps would not be able to accomodate you and all of your dc which suggests that you have more than 3 and I'm guessing that you may have 5 or more.

If this is the case, I'm wondering whether you've used pregnancy/ producing dc as a means of papering over the cracks in your marriage and whether your h's vasectomy, which he underwent without your knowledge, left you staring at bare plaster without being able to resort to your usual method of disguising the faults and flaws.

Could it be that you've used the om as a form of wallpaper; a means of providing a distraction from the deficiencies inherent in your marriage? If so, my fear is that you may subconsciously or consciously believe that producing yet another dc with him may somehow allow you to re-enter the world of make believe where your actions have no consequences.

Your h has at least acted responsibly in calling time on his ability to reproduce, but what are you doing to ensure that you won't conceive another dc by the om?

[Whathappensnowthen]

Yes I posted about this before, but changed a few details as I wanted "softer" responses. I have, over the last few days, began to hate myself and my predicament so much that I decided it would be better to come clean and give the whole unedifying truth then at least I would get honest answers and the kicking that I deserve. No-one likes to read bad things about themselves, but when the truth stares back at you from the no-nonsense replies here, it makes you take a deep breath and realise just what a mess things are. And how I have been making excuses for myself. I apologise if anyone was offended by my having posted an edited version before (and clearly, I could have just not bothered coming back to this thread), but seeing as I've had the grilling I deserved I thought I may as well fill you in. Thank you again for your responses.

[stinkyfeet2016]

Velour - I mean about the affair. Not the splitting up.

I'm divorced and remarried. No lying, no sneaking around.

[forumdonkey]

Things have changed in 4 days

[Isetan]

Your H didn't dispose of your self esteem, at some point you surrendered it to him and guess what, history is repeating it self with the OM. The good news is, what power you have surrendered to these men can be reclaimed but you're going to have first accept responsibility for the choices you've made.

Your children aren't a noose your H has made for you, they are the excuse you give for continuing in your marital farce. Your children have no choice in growing up in their parents dysfunctional marriage and unfortunately they are at the mercy of their parents ability to make good decisions.

The first step should be, ending it with the OM because he's just a distraction from the good decisions you could be making with regards to ending your marriage. The second step, should include securing advice and support for ending your marriage.

Pity parties aren't known for their ability to inspire change, This miserable souls destroying life you've inprisonen yourself in could be oh so different but only you can make the decision to change it.

[ShowMeTheElf]

In the last thread OP said he'd asked for a talk. I think they were both on the cusp of leaving (or at least OP thought they were) but he decided to stick with his wife, but is still up for no commitment sex with the OP.
No wonder your self esteem is at an all time low OP.
My advice up-thread still stands. Extricate yourself from affair, keep your job, make plans to escape with the kids. Your life will improve immeasurably. Good luck.

[Fairenuff]

What's going on OP? Why are you lying to us?

[MistressDeeCee]

I remembered that previous thread it was only a few days ago and OP was given advice on there..didnt even recall it being same one as in that post, both were single just out of LTR, the guy said he didnt want a full-on relationship and OP gave him an ultimatum as she did want relationship. I didnt bother to read the rest

As said before its the children I feel most sorry for. A mother who blames them, her husband, the other man, but nothing is her fault..apparently anyway, maybe it will be a different story next week

As to the posters who were OW ego-stroking and acting as if not agreeing with such a shitty set-up is "projecting" - if it were a man posting he has a shit wife, was shagging away from home with a married woman and resented his own children, Id be able to hear the mass pop of blood vessels from here

I get that OP may be depressed and its not a good place to be in at all - but it does not excuse selfishness. I assume the DCs are left with their dad when the romance of the year is taking place, wondering if its even safe for them to be left with him as he is a functioning alcholic. There are loads of priorities to sort out here, within that could be some self-help/outside advice and counselling

Still outright selfishness tho, it happens but there's no excuse for it call it as it is

[BlytheOfWindyWillows]

Spot on Maras, a very different story just a few days ago

[MangoMoon]

maras - the curse of advanced search...

Just had a look at that too, completely different scenario presented in that thread than in this one.

[maras2]

Didn't you say in a thread last week that you and OM were just out of long term relationships?

[velourvoyageur]

Think of all the children's lives you're set to ruin?

I imagine there are many divorced parents on MN who are quite at your suggesting that their childrens' lives have been ruined! Hardly a nice way to put it.

[VestalVirgin]

You say you would move back to your parents. That must mean that your parents are kind people who would support you, right?

So, why don't you call them and ask for help?

I know it is humiliating to have to ask your parents for help as an adult, but if you cannot do this by yourself, then you have a moral obligation to ask for help - your children are innocent and do not deserve to have an alcoholic for a father.
(And your husband has quite the nice 'divide and conquer' strategy going there, by making you pay for childcare, thus making it look like the children ruin your life, while in reality, HE is the one who ruins your life)

[ocelot7]

Whathappensnow as I feared from the title of your thread, you have got a lot of responses projecting the posters stance/experience without really considering the terrible situation you are in/actually living through. Or having to take responsibility for their 'advice'.

I have not been in a situation like yours but can well understand you wanting to find some comfort away from your OH/home life. And can see how important it is for you to be working in your professional field - hopefully this will help rebuild your self belief. Probably this affair will/should end quite soon - you need to assess if the pluses outweigh the negatives? - and it will ultimately (but perhaps not initially) make things easier at work too when it does.

And do seek some professional advice re leaving your marriage & the support available to you. Good luck!

[anxiousnow]

Op, I agree with others. You sound depressed and overwhelmed. You know that the OM doesn't care about you and us using you. Speak to him, and end it.
I feel sorry for you and your such low respect for yourself but your comment about resenting your children is heartbreaking. It is not their fault. Please open your eyes. You are looking so desperately for love, look to your children. They will give you this love. They must sense your resentment and distance. Have you any close friends and family. You need people around you who will not sugar coat it. You need to change things now for your babies and you. Is there anyone you can stay with for a while? Someone to support you and help you see the joy to be had away from both of these men and with your children.