I am the OW and I hate it

[Whathappensnowthen]

I am stuck in a loveless marriage with several young children. For various reasons I have been unable to leave (finances mainly). I have recently fallen into a relationship of sorts with a man I have known for about 6 months. He's a "nice" chap, but clearly ok with cheating on his wife. However, he maintains that he loves her, would never leave her etc. We are in contact frequently each day via text and meet up for trysts when we can. He is pretty emotionless towards me, however. As in, I can say how much I'm looking forward to seeing him and he will reply with a comment about the weather. I suppose in my head I always imagined an affair to be some great romance, but it really isn't. I felt unwanted and unloved in my marriage and now I feel the same with the OM. The only difference being, when it suits him and when he wants me, he is lovely to me and makes me feel special and this seems to make up for all the heartache. Clearly it doesn't. It's a bloody awful situation, I feel like shit in so many ways and have already tried to break it off with him once, but needless to say he won me round. My brain can't even countenance what this would do to his poor wife (or my useless husband for that matter) as I'm just so wrapped up in my own misery that I can't think much beyond that at present. Which is why I'm posting, I guess. I need a kick up the backside, or something to shake me to my senses. I'm so miserable but have no-one to turn to irl.

[Whathappensnowthen]

Thank you for all the responses. They are what I needed to read. Unfortunately I work with OM, he is my superior (although not my boss). I was so lucky to find this job - after so many years out of my profession i didn't think I would find anything that would pay well enough to cover the childcare. I have tried to look for something else, but there's nothing that pays as well. I can't go back to being a sahm, it would destroy me even more than my current situation already is. Our family is already on a crisis plan with the health visitors and school involved, as two of our children have complex needs (for which I am largely "in charge" of, as husband is either too drunk to help or simply cannot deal with). I told the HV I was planning on just walking away, from husband, children, everything. And yes, I did love my husband once, the children's were conceives with love. However, after our youngest was born his drinking got worse and he got a vasectomy without even discussing with me. Not that we would have had more children, but the fact he could do something so final without even asking me, something changed after that.

[43percentburnt]

Op have you looked at entitled to? Put your income and childcare into the calculator - hopefully you will be in a position to leave your dh.

Collect copies of savings, statements, pensions, shares etc and see a solicitor to get an idea of what you would get in a divorce (you don't have to act on this - knowledge is power).

When you spout, DO NOT give him 50% out of guilt. Take you legal entitlement and provide the best life for you and your children.

I wish you well, your husband sounds awful. So does the OM. Good luck.

[43percentburnt]

Split not spout!

[pullingmyhairout1]

op you're in a tricky situation but as has been said if you google tax credits calculator and put the figures in you might find you get help with child care costs.

It's not easy being a single parent but it is definitely easier than dealing with a 'functioning' alcoholic on top of children and work.

This married man is probably a distraction, but tbh he sounds like another useless man in your life. Get rid. Be on your own. Set the bar higher for you and the kids.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

You can still stop the affair even though he is your superior. It may be awkward but you'll get over that. If he starts pressurising you, go straight to HR immediately and tell them what's happened. You can't be sacked because you refuse to have sex with someone.

[jeaux90]

Sit down with the OM and explain your horrific situation and tell him you'll need to knock it on the head whilst you make plans to leave your abusive husband. You never know, he may be sympathetic and not cause you any grief. Then you need to get advise on your financial situation and whether you'll get tax credits etc.

Honestly love it's really ok being a single mum. I left my abusive narc 6 years ago and I relish my freedom every day. Yes it was hard, yes it was hard for the first couple of years but now I couldn't be happier. You deserve happiness too xxx

[toptoe]

His vasectomy was a sensible choice he made about his own body. I hope you are protecting yourself from further pregnancy with this other man.

Stop treating yourself this way. Start thinking about how you should respect yourself and take responsibility for the way you treat yourself. The knock on effects will be massive. Don't think of the impossibles, think of how you can achieve things step by step. If you and your husband need to separate, start thinking of what you need to do step by step.

Children need stability in life, but that doesn't mean both unhappy parents together. Emotional stability can be found when dysfunctional parents separate.

[toptoe]

The resentment you feel towards your nonfunctioning functioning alcoholic husband will decrease massively when you separate. That was my experience separating from an alcoholic. All the money worries, the cleaning up after them, the anxiety about how drunk they'll be that day/night....it takes a huge strain off your shoulders when they are dealing with that themselves rather than having you take the burden too.

[UnsuccessfullyAdulting]

Pirate

Lovely.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I've reported your disgusting post, Pirate.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Reported too.

Ignore the nasty Troll OP.

[AntiqueSinger]

Wtf pirate?! If you've got nothing nice to say, then don't bother!!

OP my heart goes out to you please listen to all the advice you've been given regarding contacting women's aid and get out. Do it for your children. Do it for yourself. Do it for OM wife. And definitely do it for your DH, who may well do better/make changes if you leave him. I completely understand how you've got where you've got to. However your self-esteem is on the floor and something has to change. Please read feel the fear and do it anyway. I feel it is fear and anxiety that's preventing you taking the steps you need. However once steps are taken the anxiety will shift. But your depressive state now will only go on and on if you tarry longer in this awful situation. Don't your children deserve at least one happy parent? Of course they do. Please please get out. And well done for being brave enough to post here.

[TheNaze73]

Your behaviour is disgusting & you need to stop it right away.

Softening things with lame Mills & Boon language like "trysts" doesn't make the fact that you're fucking someone else, when you're married any less sordid

[Fairenuff]

OP you post as if you came here for solutions - 'I need a kick up the backside, or something to shake me to my senses' - and yet every suggestion is dismissed by you as 'impossible'.

You say you are miserable but you are the one with the power to change that. No one else can do that for you, you have to do it for yourself.

If your husband is as controlling and abusive as you say he is then you need to leave him. Once you make that decision, there is a ton of fantastic advise and support available here.

It's not impossible at all. Financially all you need is a home, warmth, food and clothing. Those are the basics and anything else is just not important when the welfare of you and your children is a priority.

Obviously you also need to ditch the other loser too and that's easy. Just stop it. You've said that makes you miserable too so don't do it. You can keep your job for now just tell him you're not interested any more. He will soon find some other woman with self esteem low enough to let him treat her like that.

Other than that, just carry on as you are, keep resenting your children and husband and blaming them for your unhappiness. It's your choice.

[Boredbeforeievenbegan]

THis is the time to end the affair. If his wife finds out he might not get the luxury of choosing her over you. If you think this situation is bad imagine it with his devastated wife and your angry husband in the mix. Take some control.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Totally agree, Fairenuff, this is in OP's hands and, as frightening and difficult as it can be to make a drastic change to her life, and those of her children, it's genuinely needed here as the current set-up is completely untenable.

Agree with Bored also; this is the time where there are least complications and anguish to make the situation even sadder and messier and OP should take advantage of that to extract herself and her children from it NOW.

[shovetheholly]

I think you need to ask yourself why you don't feel that you are worthy of a full relationship with someone who loves you. Because you've gone from a loveless marriage to a relationship where it's absolutely clear that you can only ever be a 'bit on the side'. And YOU are doing this to yourself, not your husband and not your lover.

[Lucyneedssleep]

I think your being selfish. What do you get from being with DH , you say financial yet you work ? You say he doesn't help with DCs, so what exactly is it that stops you doing anything to change? How is his behaviour controlling?

[WhisperingLoudly]

It's obvious for anyone who can get past the barely disguised view so many posters share with pirate that you are miserable (probably depressed) and your self esteem is through the floor.

Ditch the OM, start considering how you can leave your husband and your life will improve ten fold.

Good Luck!

[Scooby20]

You don't need to get another job. You need to stop sleeping with the OM. Are you concerned that he will get you the sack?

Keep messages so you can prove the affair if he tries. Your work situation will be infinitely worse if it all comes out at work and his wife finds out.

Again you are giving the OM control. 'I can't do anything because he is my superior'.

You sound like you think you can not make a decision for yourself. You can. You made the choice to go back to work. You choose to sleep with this man. You make decisions for yourself. You aren't a victim of circumstance. You are actively playing a part in it.

[ShowMeTheElf]

OP You know that this situation is untenable. For you, for your family.

You think that your situation is hopeless but that is your low self esteem talking.

Your colleague isn't emotionally attached tot he relationship so if you can detach yourself you should be able to keep your job. Do it before either of your spouses find out.

Look at preparing to leave your husband. I don't know your situation but I've had a look at a benefits calculator for you, with the following presumptions (obviously these aren't entirely correct) : 3 children, one under school age. I made up a postcode in west Yorkshire. Working 20 hours per week. childcare 1300 per month. Take home 1500 per month. 3 bed house in council tax band c, rent 700 - 1K per month. No maintenance from exH. It brought up a monthly total of £1979, including
child benefit, council tax support, child tax credit, working tax credit ; which on top of your salary of 1500 gives you an income of over 3K per month. Of course these figures won't apply directly to your circumstance but be aware that there is help available.
As pp above have said, making some moves to investigate your alternatives will help to boost your self esteem.

[anxiousnow]

Op, I agree with others. You sound depressed and overwhelmed. You know that the OM doesn't care about you and us using you. Speak to him, and end it.
I feel sorry for you and your such low respect for yourself but your comment about resenting your children is heartbreaking. It is not their fault. Please open your eyes. You are looking so desperately for love, look to your children. They will give you this love. They must sense your resentment and distance. Have you any close friends and family. You need people around you who will not sugar coat it. You need to change things now for your babies and you. Is there anyone you can stay with for a while? Someone to support you and help you see the joy to be had away from both of these men and with your children.

[ocelot7]

Whathappensnow as I feared from the title of your thread, you have got a lot of responses projecting the posters stance/experience without really considering the terrible situation you are in/actually living through. Or having to take responsibility for their 'advice'.

I have not been in a situation like yours but can well understand you wanting to find some comfort away from your OH/home life. And can see how important it is for you to be working in your professional field - hopefully this will help rebuild your self belief. Probably this affair will/should end quite soon - you need to assess if the pluses outweigh the negatives? - and it will ultimately (but perhaps not initially) make things easier at work too when it does.

And do seek some professional advice re leaving your marriage & the support available to you. Good luck!

[VestalVirgin]

You say you would move back to your parents. That must mean that your parents are kind people who would support you, right?

So, why don't you call them and ask for help?

I know it is humiliating to have to ask your parents for help as an adult, but if you cannot do this by yourself, then you have a moral obligation to ask for help - your children are innocent and do not deserve to have an alcoholic for a father.
(And your husband has quite the nice 'divide and conquer' strategy going there, by making you pay for childcare, thus making it look like the children ruin your life, while in reality, HE is the one who ruins your life)