Is this abusuve or is it my fault?

[chicolatta]

Things have been getting increasingly worse between DH and I. We usually rumble along for a week or two with no issues, but when we spend "quality" time together e.g. dinner together we always end up rowing, usually about my family vs his family.

We had to move back to the Uk quickly at the start of the year so have been temporarily living with my parents (free of charge) whilst we sold our place and bought one here. We are due to exchange on that this week so the end of living with the inlaws is in sight.

Obviously it's not been easy for him living with them (even though my mum does everything for us eg takes baby monitor at weekends and does washing) because nobody wants to live with anyone else's parents. But I feel he's built up an undeserved hatred towards them and keeps trying to punish them for how much time they're spending with DS and DD - because his mum obviously doesn't get the same access.

Anyway today was another row, this time over lunch because he said he didn't want to see my parents for three months after we move in, and that his mum will do the twice weekly childcare for us over that period (that we planned the grandparents to do 50/50). I questioned this - just because I don't think banishing them from seeing the kids for 3 months is totally unfair (and something his mum hasn't had to endure) and he went mad. In front of the kids he called me:

• a pathetic cunt
• an embarrassment
• that I disgust him
• that if he was allowed to hit me, he would
• that I should look at myself to see why we don't have a sex life (ie I'm ugly)
• that DS was only asking him not to shout because I was brain dead and trained him to say it (I haven't, but he has heard me asking DH not to shout in the past).
• that he recently got thrush because I'm such a disgusting tramp (even though I've ever had thrush, ever)
• kept calling me a spinster, when I poinyed out that I wasn't as I was married he said that I fucking well should have been
• put on a moany voice and was saying "I never thought I would have children" (something I said when we first got together)

Meanwhile I didn't cover myself in glory - quite the opposite, albeit some way down the line after his tirade. When the kids were asleep in the back of the car I said I only had sex with him last night because I felt obliged and that I wouldn't go near his stinking cock (it doesn't!) voluntarily, that his mum would see less of the kids if he left me (which he was threatening to do), that I feared I had married the wrong person, corrected him when he referred to his parents - plural (he doesn't see his dad) and that my life in many ways would be easier without him as I wouldn't spend all my time consciously trying to avoid making him angry.

He then tried to go to his mum's for a few days and like a proper psycho I stood in the door on the car and begged him not to.

I know this is fucking awful and no, I don't want my kids seeing it and do all I can to avoid them doing so (including usually ignoring digs to avoid a row) and usually the rows are after bedtime, so they don't

But I guess my question is this: can there be any way back? Or do you think he's verbally or emotionally abusive? Or am I?

FYI. My radar is a bit skewed thanks to being previously (20 yrs ago) in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Also I suspect my self esteem is shit as I've been bulimic for over a decade (although am trying - with much success - to get over that myself)

I've given my parents a top line summary and said he might not be back tonight, just because he might not be, he wouldn't speak to me this morning and say if he was coming back. They were great, as ever. I'd sent him a text in the early hours when I couldn't sleep saying we either walk away or try to make it work on the basis that we never ever row like that in front of DC again or use insults like that. When asked he said he had nothing to say to me in response.

I still don't feel ready to walk away, yet, but feel I'm leaning that way. Or at least starting to.

I have to stay away overnight with work tonight, DS broke his heart when I left which is not like him at all.

"He had nothing to say to me in response" - this does not surprise me. He won't take responsibility for his actions which is typical of most abusive men. This is because he doesn't want to change, because actually by behaving the way he does allows him to control you. You may not realise it, you may think he is not controlling you - but he is. You alter how you act to stop him from reacting badly, you start "walking on eggshells" and suppressing your feelings because by expressing them causes him to fly into a rage and call you names. These are examples of how he is controlling your behaviour, usually without you having even realised he has done this - and he will continue to do so until you break free. I know this as I have been through this myself recently.

Get rid ASAP.

I do understand where you are coming from. Disentangling a relationship isn't easy and at the beginning it can seem insurmountable. I am not nearly there yet. Just at the beginning maybe a step further on, but pretty much in the same position. It is ok to feel not ready to leave. I remember clearly over 15 years ago wanting to leave and desperately trying to contact a friend. My friend wasn't there so I went back. I am reconciled by now to the fact that my husband is the way he is and nothing will change that. I remember being told about the way he stormed out of his previous wife's house. He does the same to me. Only this time not into the hands of another woman, paid for or not. I remember my SIL being worried about her niece's rows with her boyfriend. They are now married and so the cycle continues.

When you are ready, please contact Womens' Aid www.womensaid.org.uk. I didn't think I would ever be able to leave. I am still here, but the wheels are churning in that direction. Please be kind to yourself as much as you can. I am not kind to myself but still I don't deserve to live with a vile abusive man.

Please please please - for your kids if not yourself- leave him.

My mum stayed in a horrid, physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for years with my stepfather - and the damage it did to my relationship with my mum was horrific. It's taken me almost 20 years, and having a baby of my own a couple of months ago, for me to start thinking of her as my "mum" again in the way I want to ... Before that she was a weak, selfish woman who put a man before her kids, because she was too scared to be on her own and thought she couldn't manage without him.

It's also made me a very difficult partner for DP (lots of innocuous "triggers" that send me into meltdown, find it difficult to accept him being less than perfect (because I irrationally think one row is a slippery slope to abuse), and constantly have to have an "escape route" so I don't feel like I CANT leave (private savings, spare room at family home with clothes etc) etc etc)

Please don't fuck your kids up. They hear more than you think, sense twice that on a subconscious level - and they won't forgive you easily if this escalates or goes on much longer.

I hope that doesn't sound cruel or judgemental - and I have all the empathy for you- but its just my truth

Be strong!!!

Oh Boatmum that sounds awful for you. I hope you are in a better place now and have had the appropriate support to help you through these circumstances which were absolutely not of your making. My mum too stayed in an awful relationship. I escaped through MH problems which nearly killed me. My siblings were not so fortunate in that they never got ill enough to have to seek help. My mum has escaped through Alzheimer's. It is horrible beyond words to have to make another escape albeit this time with my MH in better order. It is so difficult to break the cycle. Recognising it for what it is is a big step.

*a pathetic cunt

• an embarrassment
• that I disgust him
• that if he was allowed to hit me, he would
• that I should look at myself to see why we don't have a sex life (ie I'm ugly)
• that DS was only asking him not to shout because I was brain dead and trained him to say it (I haven't, but he has heard me asking DH not to shout in the past).
• that he recently got thrush because I'm such a disgusting tramp (even though I've ever had thrush, ever)
• kept calling me a spinster, when I poinyed out that I wasn't as I was married he said that I fucking well should have been
• put on a moany voice and was saying "I never thought I would have children" (something I said when we first got together)*

I'm sorry OP, but he seems to loathe you. You just don't say these things, when you love someone. Also, if he could get away with it, he would like to hit you? WTF?

No need to label it as "abuse", just ask yourself:

Are you happy?
Are you really content with your life?

I suspect that the answer to both of these questions, is a resounding NO.

You apologise. He doesn't. So, he's not sorry, thus he will do it all over again, until your dying day.

The fact he's calling you a spinster & bemoaning a lack of sex life - coupled with the fact that he has contracted thrush - makes me fearful that there is an OW. This may explain his utter contempt for you. Perhaps he feels trapped, given that you are the main wage earner?

The fact you have only been married for 2 years, is a blessing. I can tell you, that if you separate he will only be entitled to assets amassed during that 2 year period. The equity that you had before the marriage is yours entirely. You need a good solicitor to draw up a Separation agreement to protect yourself (if you do decide to split). He/she will send it to his solicitor and you will argue back and forth until an agreement is reached and you both sign it. Do not let him have a penny of the equity that is yours!

In all honesty, he sounds like a pig. You deserve much more than this.

Also, the comment about your parents not seeing the kids for 3 months, is just raving batshit. Is he fucking bonkers? So, he wants to punish the very people who have allowed you to stay in their home rent free? I'm not sure you can even argue with someone who is so delusional. He is just not on the same wave length as most normal people!

I would let him go, I really would. Life is too short to be living like this.

Husky thank you, that's really useful. Are you sure about the equity? More importantly what's likely to happen with the kids given we both work FT?

When things are ok I'm happy. He's hilarious, great with the kids, affectionate and kind. When things are bad he's awful.

Oh and he says I'm delusional and not normal for not thinking the three month thing is the Right Thing to do. It's like for my daughter's first birthday when he refused to let my parents see her, made it all about his mum even though I was devastated. He said they would see her the day before and day after and it was only fair to give his mum some quality time, esp as we a) live with them and b) were on hol with my folks for our son's bday. His mum doesn't like my mum so he said we couldn't all share the day.

Delusional?

He's gaslighting you

He says I'm selfish and live in my own preoccupied world where I can't see what's going on around me. He says my parents have had 9 months so it's only right his mum has three.

Do you think he loves you? I question it as how can you love someone and make them this unhappy?

I think you love him but he may not be capable of loving you.

And she repeatedly gives him a hard time about how little she sees of the kids (bearing in mind it would be a day a week in the new house) so I do think this is partly her fault. We tootle along ok, he sees her and she has a go, he comes back and gives me a hard time. That said on Sat I suggested we visit her but we are supposed to be going this weekend do he said he would rather watch sport. She also never ever makes any effort to contact me, whereas I text pics etc at least once a week, yet he always tells me off for not working on a better relationship with her.

I don't think he does, no.

Frankly if he was ok to me I wouldn't care about that, as long as he was civil and kind, and would happily stay together for the kids.

If I say that I don't feel loved he says I'm needy and he shouldn't have to tell me on demand.

He does say it a lot though.

Can you honestly live with a man who you think doesn't love you?

Or like your folks?

It's just going to get worse!

OP circumstances when I split from husband were quite different but we were also in between houses and I really wanted out of the purchase but he wouldn't engage (short version!). With a couple of days to exchange I got legal advice by telephone. A one hour phone appointment with a written summary of advice afterwards. It was really helpful - and further down the line the solicitor now dealing with my divorce agrees with the advice. If time is an issue then I recommend doing it. Cost £250 I think.

Sorry not to respond in other issues but I see you are getting support here.

Your husband sounds sooooo like my husband. Only his parents are long dead and one of mine is not really where it's at. His older children barely see him and he makes sure I don't have contact. It's weird.

I just wanted to say that I feel like I could cry for you. I've been in a similar position but thankfully I had no dc's with him and we weren't married. I'm so incredibly sorry that things have been like this for you and your children though and I truly feel for you.

The things he says to you and the way he's trying to make you feel is completely and utterly abhorrent and I am not surprised you exploded at him. You won't know just how much stress his behaviour is putting on you until he's gone.

My advice to you is be strong. This is going to be one of the hardest things you'll have to do, but it will be so worth it. You said you had been in an abusive relationship before so you already know you are more than strong enough to get yourself and your children away from this man. I know the thought of leaving him must be daunting and you love him so that makes it all the harder. But this is the perfect opportunity to get out and you should take it. Confide in your parents and let them help you, do not suffer through this on your own. I know that it seems worth giving him a chance to reform his ways once he is out of your parents' house and you are in your new home, but this won't change, he won't change. If he can call you a cunt in front of your DC's and not think he's done anything wrong, he'll carry on. Men like that always do.

The bottom line is that you and your DC's deserve better than this horrid excuse for a man. You are worth far more and have a right to be treated better than that cretin can manage.

Please keep safe and look after yourself

I hate reading things like this. OP you deserve a lot better

Chicolatta, Im so sorry to hear about the tough time you are having. Please be prepared for him to turn on the 'nice guy act' soon, to reel you back in. Don't believe anything he says, you don't deserve to be treated like this. Good luck

I don't think he will do the nice thing. He's still absolutely furious and calling me names.

I honestly can't believe this is happening.

I also started a new job three weeks ago. How am I meant to get through that, impress them and pass my probation etc, whilst going through this?
It all feels too overwhelming.

DONT BUY THE HOUSE!!!,

Kick him out and make him woo you all over again , if he can't or won't at least there's no house to sell when you go your separate ways. He sounds like an absolute twat!

Who has access to your savings/finances?

I can understand you think there's still some way of 'saving' this marriage/relationship.

As an outsider, i can only tell you that it sounds to me like he's been shagging someone else, hence the thrush - or he's deliberately not kept up his personal hygeine.

He's treating your dc like a toy, his toy that he can choose who gets to 'play' with it, when and for how long.

I think he wants out but is too cowardly to be honest. He'd rather escalate his abuse towards you until you've had enough and walk. Then he can blame you.

So he says my apologising isn't enough, that I can't say personal things and then expect it to be ok
He's telling you it's one rule for you and another for him.

If you really can't pull out from buying, then you'll just have to make sure you've got a smart plan/strategy to protect you and the dc.
Get all the advice and support you need, get all your important papers/docs in a safe place

He's not going to change even when you move so forget that fantasy.
You need to decide on your boundaries and stick with them.
If he threatens you again in any way - call the police. You've got a better chance of getting him removed from the house short and longterm that way

Have more respect for yourself and it will help clear the fog.

I've wondered that before: if he wants out but doesn't want to be his dad/walk out, so just gets increasingly awful so I have no choice but to push him out. Except I haven't, I guess meaning he has less and less respect for me.

I organise everything to do with our lives as he can't be bothered (although he says it's because I'm a control freak, and maybe I'm right) so he has only a basic understanding of our financial situation. The only savings we have are mine from a recent large redundancy payout from work. Some had to go on paying off joint debts etc but the rest are in my sole account.