Is this abusuve or is it my fault?

[chicolatta]

Things have been getting increasingly worse between DH and I. We usually rumble along for a week or two with no issues, but when we spend "quality" time together e.g. dinner together we always end up rowing, usually about my family vs his family.

We had to move back to the Uk quickly at the start of the year so have been temporarily living with my parents (free of charge) whilst we sold our place and bought one here. We are due to exchange on that this week so the end of living with the inlaws is in sight.

Obviously it's not been easy for him living with them (even though my mum does everything for us eg takes baby monitor at weekends and does washing) because nobody wants to live with anyone else's parents. But I feel he's built up an undeserved hatred towards them and keeps trying to punish them for how much time they're spending with DS and DD - because his mum obviously doesn't get the same access.

Anyway today was another row, this time over lunch because he said he didn't want to see my parents for three months after we move in, and that his mum will do the twice weekly childcare for us over that period (that we planned the grandparents to do 50/50). I questioned this - just because I don't think banishing them from seeing the kids for 3 months is totally unfair (and something his mum hasn't had to endure) and he went mad. In front of the kids he called me:

• a pathetic cunt
• an embarrassment
• that I disgust him
• that if he was allowed to hit me, he would
• that I should look at myself to see why we don't have a sex life (ie I'm ugly)
• that DS was only asking him not to shout because I was brain dead and trained him to say it (I haven't, but he has heard me asking DH not to shout in the past).
• that he recently got thrush because I'm such a disgusting tramp (even though I've ever had thrush, ever)
• kept calling me a spinster, when I poinyed out that I wasn't as I was married he said that I fucking well should have been
• put on a moany voice and was saying "I never thought I would have children" (something I said when we first got together)

Meanwhile I didn't cover myself in glory - quite the opposite, albeit some way down the line after his tirade. When the kids were asleep in the back of the car I said I only had sex with him last night because I felt obliged and that I wouldn't go near his stinking cock (it doesn't!) voluntarily, that his mum would see less of the kids if he left me (which he was threatening to do), that I feared I had married the wrong person, corrected him when he referred to his parents - plural (he doesn't see his dad) and that my life in many ways would be easier without him as I wouldn't spend all my time consciously trying to avoid making him angry.

He then tried to go to his mum's for a few days and like a proper psycho I stood in the door on the car and begged him not to.

I know this is fucking awful and no, I don't want my kids seeing it and do all I can to avoid them doing so (including usually ignoring digs to avoid a row) and usually the rows are after bedtime, so they don't

But I guess my question is this: can there be any way back? Or do you think he's verbally or emotionally abusive? Or am I?

FYI. My radar is a bit skewed thanks to being previously (20 yrs ago) in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Also I suspect my self esteem is shit as I've been bulimic for over a decade (although am trying - with much success - to get over that myself)

I think I will take legal advice. I'm in a mess but not stupid, and I just want to protect any assets I can for DC.

And thank you Rick, you've been very kind too. Thank you for taking time out of your day for me.

You both sound quite volotile but of course what he says and how he says it is totally unacceptable. I'm horrified that this occurred in front of your children. You know he has an awful temper and says vile things, so you need to tell him that the next time it happens it's the end. By continuing the nastiness later that day you are losing the high ground and letting him off the hook. He won't look at himself if he feels you are playing the same games.

Chico you are welcome. You don't have to do anything with the advice but you might feel a bit more in control just knowing what the situation is, but you don't have to actually do anything until you feel ready. I also feel that counselling would be so helpful, especially someone who has had experience of bulimia. Were you quite isolated when you lived overseas? Is there anyone in real life you could talk things over with? Really hope you are ok. Be kind to yourself sweetheart.

I am lucky and have lots of friends, here and abroad. I am one to bottle stuff up though and probably won't talk to anyone until my mind is made up. I guess that's part of the reason I didn't want him to leave today: would have had to tell my parents how bad things are before I've made me peace with what might happen between us.

I think he's right and I'm just too desperate to be loved.

And Olympia I really really wish I'd managed to hold my ground and not say anything. Earlier we were out for lunch (when it started) /and I just kept saying not now, let's talk later etc and in the end just removed myself and went to the loo. Harder to do that in the car.

You've neither of you covered yourselves in glory, but he sounds abusive, and I'd also have lost my shit if my husband had talked to me like that. Something to work on for the future, maybe, but not to beat yourself up over today.

As for what you do... Your OP says you exchange this week. You need legal advice before you do this, I think. I can't see any benefit to staying with him, given all you've said, and at this point it may be better to halt the purchase until you're clear what the financial situation would be if you divorce, either with or without buying this house.

And make sure that, wherever the equity from the first sale is held, you have control over the funds.

I haven't told anyone much apart from the authorities. I told my brother. Welcome to Chocolate Teapot time. He has no idea at all. I cannot tell my father as he will not understand. My mum is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's and cannot speak. I actually don't know what to say, especially at the moment with nowhere to go and a ghastly man in the house. I mentioned to the mum of dc's friend that I was having a horrid time and she said she knows a fantastic solicitor who may be able to help. Oh bugger, Kerching, kerching£££££££££. I don't have money or a job.

Chico it has taken me nearly 50 years to learn how to love myself. It is freedom. He clearly has his own shit. Focus on yourelf now, try not to feel shame or fear.

Or guilt.

Do not exchange on the house. Once you've bought that it will be even harder to extricate yourselves from each other

Really don't beat yourself up.

It's easy to say you shouldn't have responded when you're not in it.

I rarely lose my temper but I did with exH. He just kept pushing it until I really lost it. Sometimes it's just too hurtful.

But that's your clue that it's not right and you should leave him. Nothing good can come of staying with him.

You think it might be better when you're not living with your parents, but then he can just feel free to abuse you without witnesses. it can easily get really nasty.

It has taken me years to figure out the reality of my relationship. The bad times blur when you have some good times and like you I thought there were valid reasons, house buying, house renovation, stress with his family.

What I needed to do was to sort myself out. I read the phrase "water seeks it's own level" and it made me stop and think.Is being around your partner making you a better person?

Your husband may over react but there is absolutely nothing you can do about that. You can only KNOW it will happen and determine how you will respond when it does. Be aware he was likely to be looking at ways to hurt you today..consider that he was baiting you to get the reaction so you are now 'as bad as him'.
I turned from a mild person into someone volatile as my stbex was an expert at causing maximum hurt. It is literally crazy making and you turn into someone you don't like, but because you love them and try to smooth things over you keep trying.
Like you I handed over most of the equity and in divorce proceedings I will lose a significant amount of money, essentially I have worked for 10 years, owned property for zero gain. I have to let go of that, nothing that I can do but be prepared to rebuild my life.
A dysfunctional relationship is one where an issue causes the relationship to be called into question. I think you might need to recognise you don't have a healthy relationship and nothing you can do on your own will resolve it.

My H had a terrible childhood, I wished I had understood the impact of that. Dan Siegel book is really helpful. Posters here are just looking to warn you that the cycle could be repeated unless you take action.

Getting your life back from situations like these is hard

I too say you need to see what your legal situation is asap

I will also say that it's vital that you don't get a house with this man.

If you can, access the money and take half. It's yours, at the very least half of it's yours.

You can stay at your parents for a while longer, h can go.

So he says my apologising isn't enough, that I can't say personal things and then expect it to be ok.

But he won't apologise. He says he has already in his one word text. He says I started it and he was only reacting to me: I remember it as being the exact opposite (and to be fair the awful things I said were in the last ten mins of an hour long row).

I don't feel ready to give up on us but I suspect I should. I can't help but remember the good times and when he's lovely, when he swept me off my feet and gave me the children I'd always wanted.

He says he isn't sure where we go from here but he won't discuss it any more. He is furious and says I'm disgusting.

The house thing is more complicated than I've said, as I don't want to out myself, but pulling out at this stage simply isn't a possibility.

You've apologised, he won't, and says you're disgusting

You're done here, you really are

Is there any part of that feels this is ok? That thinks it's OK for your kids? Please find it in yourself to end this toxic relationship.

I remember being woken up in the car by my parents arguing and pretending to be asleep because they were so angry and horrible to each other that I was really scared of them and having that anger turned on me. It is so scary and confusing and even if your kids don't hear, the toxic atmosphere will have them feeling insecure and walking on eggshells.
Yes, he is abusive and mostly at fault but you have to be the one to put your kids mental welfare first because he isn't and won't ie making digs at you

Can you still speak to your solicitor protect your equity now? Stop letting him have control over everything like when you talk about things. He said you're disgusting! Take that as your excuse to go forward and protect yourself, go to solicitor and try and find a way to get the house for yourself or stay with your parents until that's possible

You are not disgusting at all. You had decided together that the childcare would be shared by both sets of grandparents. He then says your parents can't see the children for three months, you question this, he calls you a cunt, a pathetic cunt in front of your children. He has issues, which are his stuff, not something you are to blame for. You are not his whipping boy. You have an illness which you are overcoming on your own. He says you are making it up. This is not ok.
I would honestly get some proper legal advice, you don't have to do anything. You say you have to go through with the house purchase, maybe you could get a bit more clarity on this, at least you know for sure exactly where you stand. He should be saying sorry to you. Please stay with your parents.

chicolatta - please stay calm and pay attention to what people are telling you.

We don't need to know the details about your house purchase but are begging you to go and see a solicitor. I am sure things are complicated, but you need legal advice. At the moment you may well be giving your husband half your assets to walk away with. Please, please take steps to protect your and your children's future.

DS was only asking him not to shout because I was brain dead and trained him to say it (I haven't, but he has heard me asking DH not to shout in the past) - this is so awful, OP.

If you love your children you cannot consider it acceptable for them to live in these conditions - to be witness to such levels of abuse and bile. Have you no idea of the damage you are doing to your poor son by allowing him to grow up like this?

Please put your children first - not your unrealistic dream of a happy life with your vile husband. I

Also:
said I only had sex with him last night because I felt obliged and that I wouldn't go near his stinking cock (it doesn't!)

apart from the stinking - I'm not surprised. I would not have sex with a man who spoke to me the way your husband did EVER. I think this is fair enough.

that his mum would see less of the kids if he left me (which he was threatening to do)

I would think that is probably true, isn't it? You would probably rely more on your own parents.

that I feared I had married the wrong person
the only thing wrong with this sentence is the word 'feared'

corrected him when he referred to his parents - plural (he doesn't see his dad)
mean but not untrue

and that my life in many ways would be easier without him as I wouldn't spend all my time consciously trying to avoid making him angry

Oh love - this one is so 100% true. Your life and your children's would be so much easier without walking on egg shells to prevent an abusive tirade.

I have recently got out of an abusive relationship similar to yours and have two very young DC - it is hard but easier than dealing with the crap my ex dished out on a regular basis. Emotionally it does scar you, so the quicker you get out the better. Chances are by writing your post on here, you have doubts about your relationship and know deep down you should end it but want to find strength through people's replies.

The house: take it from me, a jointly owned house with an abusive man spells trouble. I have kicked my ex out but as he is also still an owner, he keeps insisting he wants to come back here to live. I'm considering an Occupation Order at the moment. Life is so complicated right now, more so than if the house was mine or his. The fact your partner went mad when you suggested protecting a house where most of the equity is yours rings all sorts of alarm bells in my head. As others have said - please get legal advice!! X

He's still insulting you?

Do tell him to pack up. And explain things later to your parents.