I need someone to believe me

[Wilhamenawonka]

This is about abuse. Not sexual financial or physical or even verbal in ways that are generally understood.

It was covert passive aggressive abuse over 17 years and i finally got him to leave 20 months ago. I now know that it involved all the above but so subtly that even now it feels like a fog trying to penetrate it.

Although I know intellectually that it was abuse it's only This week that I've started to get it emotionally and now I'm broken.

I'll never be in another relationship because i can't trust myself to stay safe and also i have vaginismus which ideveloped due to his approach to sex.
Every day more and more things hit me and break my heart all over again.

The thing is that i can't even give examples because I'm so scared of people not getting it and making me question myself again.

I'll never stop questioning if it was all my fault. I'm broken.

Please say you believe me because he is such a master at subtle passive aggressive abuse no one (except my counsellor and close friend) would ever get it.
I'm not a drama queen making this up but thats what I've been telling myself for years.

I feel sick all the time and just need to get it out.

We've lived in this house for 10 years.
"Is there a laundry basket?" "Where is the laundry ball?" "What setting should I use?"
All this whilst helping with homework.
Yes it could be the case of a useless h but no, I know it is more insiduous. These are questions full of layered meaning.

It is relentless.

I am really sad now thinking about how hard I worked on how I expressed myself thinking that one day I would get it right and be fit to be listened to. Absolute nonsense. There was no way I was ever going to be listened to.

I think a lot of this self-help stuff I have always been reading didn't help. It is intended to be empowering to see everything as within your control, but what actually comes over is that everything is your fault. One day I will get it right and we will be happy and all this will be better.

'You expect so much more from me than anyone else' - those people being a couple of real loser guys who had massive victim complexes and could never keep a job.

What. A. Dick! (Me for not seeing it earlier)

I was willing for me and my child to live in poverty just so he could follow his dream of working in publishing.
When he finally got the interview he decided that he'd rather make more money and threw the interview.

Everything was about making him happy while feeling guilty for wanting to be happy myself. Fuck

mauldlin yes it sounds like his anger. Everyone gets annoyed so the question has to be where does it go and how does it manifest itself

He actually admitted to being jealous of those guys because they got away with so much

Therealpipi - mine used to do that as well, so infuriating.

'Have we got any..,' or 'where is the ...' Aren't really questions, just commands.
Him: 'Have we got any scissors?'
Me: 'Yes, loads'
'Where are they?'
'In the drawer where we keep the scissors'
'Well I've looked And they're not there'
'I don't know then'
'You must know'
'I always put them in the drawer, so if they're not there then someone else hasn't put them back, so I don't know where they are'
'Ffs, I'm only asking for a bit of help'
Then I feel like a twat for arguing about scissors and go and get them. Which of course, was the whole point of his question in the first place.

You could be me. I totally get where you're coming from.

I walked on egg shells for 17 years all to keep him happy so many similarities here
Have you got /had therapy? On your own I mean

Here's my tuppence worth You need to work on you.

Get some positive quotes - you're own personal mantra write it down say it out loud to yourself repeat repeat repeat
I am a capable person
I deserve good things
I'm important
I make good decisions
Things like that- google it if you can't think of anything else
You can do this - have you got support in RL??

I always thought it was him walking on eggshells because of my bad temper and how scared he was of upsetting me. And that was probably true because of his childhood making him scared of conflict.

What i didn't see was him setting up that conflict in everything he said/didn't say, did/didn't do.

I really was living in opposite land where nothing was how it seemed.

Feel so sick thinking about all of it but it's like a tidal wave and won't stop coming

That good tho
It's the bottling of up that's dangerous
We believe you

And i was constantly revising my expectations downwards so as to not be disappointed or upset him.
If that isn't walking on eggshells. ..

Fuuuuuuck.

Sorry I'm not really responding to stuff. I'm just getting stuff down when it occurs.

I always thought it was him walking on eggshells because of my bad temper and how scared he was of upsetting me. And that was probably true because of his childhood making him scared of conflict.

If you are the sort of person who is quite bold and determined, perhaps a natural leader, with a forthright and open character, and you sometimes react angrily - among other reasons because you dare to take a stand: I believe he was drawn to you to be his secret mouth-piece. He will even have unconsciously driven you to be angry in order to express what he can't, while leaving himself in a position where he himself does not have to bear the guilt/responsibility for the anger/action.

I hope you can see how everyone believes you.

Thank you very much for your thanks earlier up the thread.

Kind, what you say rings a bell here

Wil, please keep the tides coming, they are helpful to us all. And hopefully to you.

I really was living in opposite land where nothing was how it seemed
Think I was your next door neighbour.

That's the more positive side though therealPippi as I was trying to find some reasons for his actions.

The surrogate anger dynamic can end really nastily - getting satisfaction out of an aggressive son openly bullying his sister, for example, and not stopping it. Getting other people to do things they probably would never have done & should not have done, just to help him - then not backing them up if it ends in trouble.

Going on and on and on about how you want a new games console which your mean old wife says you can't afford (which you'd know if you took any interest in the finances ).
So much so that a friend bought him one. And of course we had to pay her back.

And then he was pissed off and felt patronised and embarrassed so... yep i had to make him feel better.

Knobknobknobknobknobknobknobdickhead!

Or knocking on the next door neighbours door to complain that their kids were making too much noise early in the morning because it was annoying me!
She and i were close and she couldn't believe he was so spineless

Yes, that was low.

I believe you Wilhamena

I believe you will get your life back too, because beneath the self-doubt on this thread you seem very intelligent, interesting, and full of good grace. You sound like an awesome parent. There must be a lot of healing to go through and so much rethinking of your life that I'm not surprised it is taking time.

I have a smart, funny, kind friend like you who was reduced to a shell of herself after only a few months dating an incredibly PA knobjockey of a man. I can't imagine what years and years would have done. She's recovered and wiser for it. You will feel better one day too

I believe you Wilhamena. I am sorry you have had such a horrible marriage.

You know you do not have to have a reason, or reasons to leave him, you do not have to have justification (even though you have endless) you can just dislike him intensly, leave and start exploring your future and how you want to live.

Explore your feeling for as long as you feel the need but its fine to go....."shit l cannot see through the mass of things that he did and what they meant, so today l will just ignore, ignore ,ignore" and focus as much as you can on your day.

Ultimately he is a pita, that you have some small contact with for the DCs sake and nothing more....once you can go out and start new interests and make some good memories he will fade more and more, you WILL feel more of yourself in time, until then go out anyway, do things, as many things as you can.

l wish you peace and happiness

Earlier in the thread i mentioned an incident with my dd writing me a card.
We were talking about it today and she told me off! Just because you were upset mummy you shouldn't have taken it out on me.
Good girl! She's better at this ast the age off 6 than i am at the age of. ..
Very proud of her and me to be honest for teaching her not to put up with crap

I believe you and I believe you are strong and can cope. Survival mode now. Not victim. You can do this.

It certainly is not you. Those who play mind games, because that I feel is what you saying happened, are cowards and are inverted women haters.

I believe you.

That's nice about your daughter, Wilhamena.
That incident he interfered with has come out straight now instead of twisted by the card.

By the way, if you were really a horrible, angry, bitch, with people having to walk on egg shells around you, there is no way your six year old would have dared say that to you. You must be doing really well as a mother for a start.

I completely believe you. And understand, and empathise completely because it happened to me.

I recognise entirely what you are saying. So much so I haven't been able to read the thread - too familiar and too chilling. And I'm long in the tooth with all this, it happened decades ago.

I read a book once about trauma and DV and the writer stumbled across trauma in survivors of DV when she was researching trauma in war vets. She was astonished that the trauma was exactly the same for war vets as for survivors of domestic abuse. Painful to read but it gave me the validation I needed - because, like you, nobody got it. I knew I was traumatised but there was nothing to point to and say 'see, THIS is what he did'. Like you, even therapists were entirely taken in. He was a matter at manipulation.

Stick with people who understand and know what it's like (because it's agony and retraumatises to try to explain to people who don't have a clue [he majority... thankfully])eg posters on your thread. Get to the Freedom Programme as soon as. You will find your tribe.

Melanie Tonia Evans is good for healing from this type of abuse - do look her up.

You WILL recover. You WILL find yourself again.