I've been trying to deal with this but am struggling, I just really need some help and support. I feel like I am at the bottom of a deep dark hole.
I've been together with my DP for 10 years, we've had a normal happy relationship with some difficult (but I would class as very normal times) dealing with the stresses of young children and financial pressures. We've been through lots together and share a lot of interests. I thought we were happy, in a stable relationship building our family life together.
This summer my DP started to act strange - he had hidden debt from me. This triggered huge arguments as I was at home looking after the kids (nearly 2 and 4) and it meant me going back to work before planned. I had wanted to stay home with the kids until the youngest was 3 and I had given up my well paid job, moved out of the city and we'd taken on a cheaper mortgage in a countryside location to do so.
The arguments this debt triggered seemed incredibly intense and he had little remorse this time (he's hidden debt before, in fact he has been awful with money the whole time we've been together). He then told me he didn't love me and I had changed since having the kids, I had put too much of my focus on them and had neglected our relationship by becoming isolated and not developing myself. This was a massive shock to me as I thought he loved me. I asked him if there was someone else and he denied it.
At this point I told him I would do whatever it took to get him to be happy with me again - I said I'd get back to work, earn my big salary again, put kids in childcare, focus on him and get our relationship strong again. I want my kids to have an intact family and I thought we could be happy so this is why I wanted to make these changes to myself. Putting my kids in childcare was a big compromise for me.
For the next month I tried this plan, he met my efforts with cold angry disdain though, it was emotional torture. He was distant and avoided all physical contact with me. One night he broke down saying he couldn't go on, there was another woman, a work colleague - they'd fallen in love and with that he left.
A week later he returned. During the week he was gone I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown, on tranquilizers and unable to eat or sleep. He told me on his return that him and the OW couldn't bear to break two families as she is also married with a small child. He said it was over with her so I took him back and I vowed to make it work for me, him and the kids.
The following month I did everything possible to make it work- we got our sex life back and I didn't argue, complain or mention his affair. I was supportive and forgiving, fun, sexy and optimistic. He however did not seem happy, he drank lots, was moody and abusive, the sex bordered on abusive too. He complained about the kids, family life, the house - basically everything. He was dark and scary. Finally after 6 weeks of this emotional torture he said he couldn't pretend he loved me anymore and that he wanted her. He left again, this time for good.
I was plunged back into despair, I couldn't eat or sleep. I was back on the tranquilizers and desperate for help. He was cold and angry to me. I was (and am) looking after the kids full time and keeping everything from them so as not to hurt them. In an attempt to keep sane and get some support I went with the kids to my Mums while he stayed in the house.
So this takes us to now - we are in constant contact because of the kids and I allow him as much contact as he wants. I am cordial, nice and collaborative with him. I am trying my best to keep the kids happy. I am very nice to him, when he is around, I encourage the kids relationship with him. I have not bad talked him or told the truth about why Daddy is leaving Mummy.
Because of the location of our house I cannot live there - it's too far from where I would be working and too remote for a single Mum. So I am forced out of my home too. I loved my home. Currently I live with my little kids in my elderly Mothers house, have been here for 2 months living out of a suitcase.
I don't have a job yet as my field is specialist and dependent on location and I'm incredibly busy just caring for a 2 and 4 year old alone.
So now I have no income, he takes the benefits I receive to pay for the house. The debts are out of control too so our house must be sold.
I live on no money, just the money from my Mothers pension for food. He gives us nothing as all his salary is going to debt.
I have found the pictures of him and her on our shared computer, I've seen her crotch picture next to the pictures of our kids. I've seen the screenshots of things he wants to buy for their home.
He has started to say that our relationship was dead and seems to be moving way past his guilt or remorse. He blames me. I have started to blame myself as well now for not having sex with him enough when the kids came along. It's like he has reimagined the split to be mutual although I have told him many times it's not and asked him to come back to me. I think because I am so nice to him and facilitate his relationship to the kids that in some way I am happy with this and that it's just a mutual split by two grown-ups.
I am consumed by hurt and pain but I hide it, I want her (OW) to see the absolute trauma they are putting me and the kids through.
Can anyone help me. Can you give me some perspective or hope or anything really.
I have my kids but everything else I had in my life is gone. I am obsessed with how much better than me she must be for a devoted father like my exDP to hurt his kids and essentially evict them from their happy family home. She must be amazing. I in comparison seem worthless.
It's really hard to cope with. I think the term is clusterfuck
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Relationships
Blown up life - cheers OW
user1472557500 · 16/11/2016 23:05
I've been where you are 6 years ago. You will get through this trust me on that 
Don't you bloody dare blame yourself . He's the arse hole twatting cheat, not you
Oh and if she thinks her life is sewn up and sorted. She's in for a bloody shock because if he can cheat on the mother of his children. He'll cheat on her.
I usually think it's a bad move to be so far down the line in a relationship without the legal (ie financial) protection of marriage. But in this case I'm cheering.
Ain't she got the prize 
. A feckless, selfish baby who whines you don't put out when you're up to your neck with kids. Who pisses hard -earned money up the wall. All the best, OW.
Wtf are you doing pprancing around him trying to lure him back. What for?? He's a loser! You're letting him live in your home, giving him the kids benefits, so he's all cozy while you and the kids are living out of a suitcase at your elderly mums. Somethings seriously out of balance there!
Yy you want the best price for the house but how long does it take to sell a house? Meanwhile he's draining the pot as we speak. That house could be sold by now.
Girl, I hope it isn't too long before you wake up to what a dud he is and get on with your lovely life, earning some fabulous money (which you won't have to share with him! Result!).
Shake the dust from your feet. The best is yet to come (anything would be better than a life with him) xx
Be decent about him to the dc.
Don't obstruct contact.
Unleash hell on him financially.
He's left your family because he can't cope with being a parent. For a woman who has a child 
Get yourself together because unless she's equally shite at parenting he's going to find his affair involved a woman who does parentingctoo. At which point he might wimp out and be back at your door. Until the next time.
Loving someone and behaving decently is not weakness and you haven't been weak.
Treating the father of your children decently and protecting your DCs from the fallout of his behaviour is what normal people do.
You've given him every chance to not fuck everyone's lives up and he's chosen to ignore them all.
Please wash your hands, head and heart of him. His relationship with the children is no longer your responsibility.
See a solicitor tomorrow. Your children and your mother should not be paying to support his dismal life choices. He is genuinely awful and you sound lovely (but very ground down 
).
I think he did you a big favour by leaving!
MOve back into the family house. you and the dc need it, not him.
get legal advice. Stop giving him the dc's benefits -that money is your children, not your ex.
Draw up a formal list of visiting/contact times and stick to it. Then you know where you are.
Sell the house, apply for CM from him, move on. Try not to give him any head space. With his track record with money, he'll piss away the whole lot.
The man you married is gone - in his place is a cheating, lying useless twat. You're worth way more than that, so move on.
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You need to change your mindset and tell yourself and everyone else the truth about the Wanker!
He is not a good man and has never been a good man,not for you or your DC!Even before his betrayal you said he was in debt and causing debts,those debts were effecting you and your DC,he is not a good person!
Get angry because you have every bloody right to be and with both of them but especially him!You start getting angry about what he's done to you all and you will start to be able to distance yourself from him and you'll stop letting him get away with everything and you'll start putting your DC and yourself first!
Do not give him benefits that are meant for you and your DC if he gets found out he could get in real trouble for that for a start and start claiming maintanance from him,he owes you and your DC that and you know he does!
The financial aspect must be a worry for your Mum as well,stop rewarding him for being a Dick!
Get legal help and tell them what you told us about what he did to you he deserves to be held responsible for what he's done,he made a choice now he needs to live with those choices and the repercussions of the choices that he made.
It may not feel like it now but you will get through this,the sooner you start being kinder to yourself the better,you did nothing to cause this and you sound really lovely and he was very lucky to have you in his life for as long as he did.Now he sounds like he has the kind of person he deserves,a not very nice one.
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