Blown up life - cheers OW

[user1472557500]

I've been trying to deal with this but am struggling, I just really need some help and support. I feel like I am at the bottom of a deep dark hole.

I've been together with my DP for 10 years, we've had a normal happy relationship with some difficult (but I would class as very normal times) dealing with the stresses of young children and financial pressures. We've been through lots together and share a lot of interests. I thought we were happy, in a stable relationship building our family life together.

This summer my DP started to act strange - he had hidden debt from me. This triggered huge arguments as I was at home looking after the kids (nearly 2 and 4) and it meant me going back to work before planned. I had wanted to stay home with the kids until the youngest was 3 and I had given up my well paid job, moved out of the city and we'd taken on a cheaper mortgage in a countryside location to do so.

The arguments this debt triggered seemed incredibly intense and he had little remorse this time (he's hidden debt before, in fact he has been awful with money the whole time we've been together). He then told me he didn't love me and I had changed since having the kids, I had put too much of my focus on them and had neglected our relationship by becoming isolated and not developing myself. This was a massive shock to me as I thought he loved me. I asked him if there was someone else and he denied it.
At this point I told him I would do whatever it took to get him to be happy with me again - I said I'd get back to work, earn my big salary again, put kids in childcare, focus on him and get our relationship strong again. I want my kids to have an intact family and I thought we could be happy so this is why I wanted to make these changes to myself. Putting my kids in childcare was a big compromise for me.

For the next month I tried this plan, he met my efforts with cold angry disdain though, it was emotional torture. He was distant and avoided all physical contact with me. One night he broke down saying he couldn't go on, there was another woman, a work colleague - they'd fallen in love and with that he left.

A week later he returned. During the week he was gone I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown, on tranquilizers and unable to eat or sleep. He told me on his return that him and the OW couldn't bear to break two families as she is also married with a small child. He said it was over with her so I took him back and I vowed to make it work for me, him and the kids.

The following month I did everything possible to make it work- we got our sex life back and I didn't argue, complain or mention his affair. I was supportive and forgiving, fun, sexy and optimistic. He however did not seem happy, he drank lots, was moody and abusive, the sex bordered on abusive too. He complained about the kids, family life, the house - basically everything. He was dark and scary. Finally after 6 weeks of this emotional torture he said he couldn't pretend he loved me anymore and that he wanted her. He left again, this time for good.

I was plunged back into despair, I couldn't eat or sleep. I was back on the tranquilizers and desperate for help. He was cold and angry to me. I was (and am) looking after the kids full time and keeping everything from them so as not to hurt them. In an attempt to keep sane and get some support I went with the kids to my Mums while he stayed in the house.

So this takes us to now - we are in constant contact because of the kids and I allow him as much contact as he wants. I am cordial, nice and collaborative with him. I am trying my best to keep the kids happy. I am very nice to him, when he is around, I encourage the kids relationship with him. I have not bad talked him or told the truth about why Daddy is leaving Mummy.

Because of the location of our house I cannot live there - it's too far from where I would be working and too remote for a single Mum. So I am forced out of my home too. I loved my home. Currently I live with my little kids in my elderly Mothers house, have been here for 2 months living out of a suitcase.

I don't have a job yet as my field is specialist and dependent on location and I'm incredibly busy just caring for a 2 and 4 year old alone.
So now I have no income, he takes the benefits I receive to pay for the house. The debts are out of control too so our house must be sold.

I live on no money, just the money from my Mothers pension for food. He gives us nothing as all his salary is going to debt.

I have found the pictures of him and her on our shared computer, I've seen her crotch picture next to the pictures of our kids. I've seen the screenshots of things he wants to buy for their home.

He has started to say that our relationship was dead and seems to be moving way past his guilt or remorse. He blames me. I have started to blame myself as well now for not having sex with him enough when the kids came along. It's like he has reimagined the split to be mutual although I have told him many times it's not and asked him to come back to me. I think because I am so nice to him and facilitate his relationship to the kids that in some way I am happy with this and that it's just a mutual split by two grown-ups.

I am consumed by hurt and pain but I hide it, I want her (OW) to see the absolute trauma they are putting me and the kids through.

Can anyone help me. Can you give me some perspective or hope or anything really.
I have my kids but everything else I had in my life is gone. I am obsessed with how much better than me she must be for a devoted father like my exDP to hurt his kids and essentially evict them from their happy family home. She must be amazing. I in comparison seem worthless.

It's really hard to cope with. I think the term is clusterfuck

[Hermonie2016]

Op, hope you are doing ok.

Thankyou for posting, sharing the description of your husband's behaviour is so much like my own situation but you have said it so eloquently. "Dark & scary" was just like my stbex.He hasnt admitted to OW but I know that's most likely to be reason.

You will recover and rebuild a better life, hard to belief now but you will.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP, this is awful, I'm so sorry for your situation.

There are some incredibly helpful responses on this thread; I particularly like alembic's further up the thread.

Do whatever you have to do to get through this until your house is sold. I understand that you don't want to lose everything and that it all hinges on the house not being repossessed before it's sold. It's a shit situation, it really is.

When do you think the last financial 'tie' will be? Do you have some sort of timetable that you're working to?

Your ex is an unimaginable louche sort of excuse for a man. Buying things for his new set-up whilst there is a massive debt affecting you as well... I'm speechless about that.

Would there be any merit in you moving back to the house (and him moving OUT) in the meantime? I know you're not working at the moment so currently, a proximity to work isn't the issue but it might give you some sort of control over what's happening with the house. I'm suggesting this because if he has a bolt-hole with the OW then he's not that motivated to ensure fair play or even the best possible outcome for the sale of the house.

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through but get through it you will.

[IKnowWhyACagedBirdSings]

I hope you haven't allowed him back into your life. Don't ever think he will change.

[MaMaof04]

Oh dear! I am so sorry that I do not have much time for a longer reply. Just a few things that other ladies might have already told you.
1- Be as upset as you want against the OW and him
2- Accept your anger your hatred your desire to throw at them all the bad things they did to you in the hope it will stick to them.
Now is no time for whateverfair or noble behavior.
Now is the time for you 'to cry and shout and let it out' .
At the same time reconnect with yourself. Read if possible.
Take care of the kids it is wonderful but try take into account your needs.
So if you invest a lot in fancy games activities and routine for the kids - forget it. Do with them things you like- go out for long hours and enjoy the nature (autumnal colors wrapping wind- musical drops...); read books you like next to them when they play or watch videos; meet friends at parks, coffees, cinemas etc ....I hope you will soon find a job. That is important. A good lawyer is a must only if his fees are not so big that nothing is left to you. And slowly listen to your inner voice: You behaved in line with good principles; they didnt; they deserve each other; you deserve better: finding back yourself; raising your kids to become decent and loving; allowing yourself to grow and accept that there are things that are not under our control etc etc but mostly learn to appreciate the little things in life (a good cup of coffee in the neighborhood coffe-shop on a terrace ; a nice cup of wine; music; books; hugging the kids (bring them to your bed now- they will love it and you will as well....hug and hug them....) Good Luck. My heart is with you. My prayers for you. Believe me time is a healer. Traumas can move us out of comfort zones and make us re-discover ourselves, the world around us and a rebirth....Just say that you just cut an umbilical cord...Now you are at the painful stage so do not be ashamed to let yourself hate them or cry or be sad. It is OK. (AD can help). Good Luck! Another thing: make him help as much as you can- financially and by using him to care for the kids so that yoou can focus on yourself.

[IdaDown]

He's a P rather than H.

What are his debts for? Are they personal debts or are they secured on the house?

If they're personal, unsecured debts - fnuck him. They are nothing to do with you or the house.

You could run a credit check on him to find out.

Have you got a joint account - remove the money to a new account.

Change any passwords to your current accounts.

How are the utilities payed - whose name/s are they in?

Does he have a stable salaried job? Would he pay maintenance? If you think not, how much equity is there in the property? Could you negotiate the equity in lieu of (as much) maintenance?

Discuss changing the mortgage to interest only with lender - explain the situation. They' ll have heard it all before.
Stop giving him the benefit money - how long can your mum support you all.
You could move back to the house and rent out a bedroom/s.

Your xp is fnucking you and the kids over financially and he doesn' t care.

[PoldarksBreeches]

Please stop feeling guilty over your children. They are very young and they will be fine. Yes they will miss their dad but you will more than make up for that. Children can and do come through break ups unscathed - the key is for the adults to protect them from the shit. And that doesn't mean handing all the money you need to feed and clothe them to your ex!
He has his income, how can he possibly need your benefits as well to pay the mortgage? Or are your benefits for him to live off while you and the kids have nothing? I have never heard anything so mad to be honest.

[Blueisnotforglue]

What an utter cunt. The pair of them actually but she holds no responsibility to you,she'll have to deal with her own morals herself. Your ex on the other hand? Christ it's been a while since we've had a wanker of that magnitude on here.

DO NOT give him any more of your money. Just don't. Let his debt build up and pay it off when you sell the house. This is not your responsibility.

DO NOT feel guilty about your children. They do not need a man like this teaching them about life and relationships and how to treat people. Maintain contact but do not feel guilty he isn't there full time.

Your whole future life has been blown to pieces. I get that. I get how hard it is to get over that and the need to lash out and for someone to recognise what's been done to you. You've been fucked over no doubt about it. So get angry. Stand up and get angry.

Look you've already said you can earn good money, in a few years you'll be set up, independent and happy. She'll be stuck with a prick who acts like a child and can't be trusted with a debit card. Thank your lucky stars you don't have to deal with him anymore. That's all the punishment she needs.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

This could have been me three years ago dancing around trying to get a cheating feckless man back. It only gets better when you take control and put responsibility for your life in your hands not theirs. I thought I'd never cope on my own. I have four children and work full time. Separating from someone who is useless with money ends up being a huge relief. Once the house is sold you can build a new life in a new home. My ex is still with his other woman but only because he can't manage on his own. The end of my marriage was so similar to yours. The cruelty, the coldness the blameshifying. What I realise now is my ex will never be happy. His spending refrlected his attitude to relationships. Always something better to acquire round the corner. It gets so much better when you take control. It's hard to believe when you are going through it but one day you will be grateful to ow for taking him off your hands. Stop being so lovely to him. Let her pay her soul mates debts.

[springydaffs]

Some great posts on here.

[keepingonrunning]

I don't see any spineless behaviour on your part. You are an amazing mum to try to hide your own extreme hurt and distress and to be civil to your nasty partner to try to protect your children's welfare.
He is not a devoted dad to do this to your family. He and OW deserve each other - what a well-matched horrible pair.
You might consider that one of the things that, as someone who is lousy with money, attracted your partner to you in the beginning was your significant earning power. I'm sorry to say a lot of people are that calculating.
Be reassured this board is full of testimonies from people who have been blamed for their partner having their head turned. It's a predictable script. They tell you they don't love you anymore, that it's all your fault because you're not fun anymore/too fat/too preoccupied with the children/not interesting enough. They get angry with you for being you whereas they were besotted before. There is every likelihood he never intended to stay faithful to you. The simple explanation is he's got a shiny new toy and he's got bored with his 'old' one - you. Bets are on for how long till he repeats this cycle.
You are the same person, lovable just the way you are. It's he who is the shitbag.

[thethoughtfox]

Much love. Remember: she will either switch all her attentions to her children when this blows up for her. Or she won't and is a heartless cow and her kids will sadly grow up to be dysfunctional assholes who will make his life hell. Y

[AlabasterSnowball]

User men like your ex are 10 a penny, I've seen to many of then and I've seen how their life turns out and trust me he's done you a favour by leaving now, he's worse than useless. Don't be angry with the OW she could be any woman and she'll learn that too.
Your ex lives in a world of one, he doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about his children he doesn't care about the OW, she is a means to an end.
You are a kind and caring person, you are brave and stronger than you know and you will get through this. You need to put your kids and yourself first, I agree with everything PP's have commented and I hope his thread gives you strength to do the right thing.
I know exactly how you ex will turn out, it's not pretty but it will be a destiny of his own making. But that's okay, you have your whole life ahead of you make sure you live it well.

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

Scrub Welcome off your forehead and start looking out for your kids. You're living out of a suitcase using up your mother's pension so he can sit in your home with the trampoline and the sandpit using your kids' benefit money and accumulating further debts on things for his OW? Fuck. That. Shit.

You didn't value yourself when you did the Pick Me dance ( I am shuddering with embarrassment for you at what you say you did, & not just because I've done the same log ago) & you're not valuing yourself now with all this fannying about being 'nice'. Why should he value you? Why should he do more than you are letting him settle for?

FFS woman, find your anger and protect your kids! He is worthless, in every way. They matter. And they need to see that you are not a pushover, begging for scraps. Value yourself and you will teach your kids one of the most important lessons you can teach them.

[Footle]

If you are using your mother's pension to feed yourself and your children ,that is something you need to address immediately.

[timelytess]

You were/are married to a complete bastard. That's not the OW's fault.
None of the chaos in your life is down to her - or you - its all down to him. Just him.

Start excising this lump of diseased flesh from your life. Stop him taking your money. Get advice on finance and on ditching him for good.

My dd was four when her father and I split. I told her 'Daddy has a girlfriend and that isn't allowed when you're married, so we have to split up.' Just the fact, no more. But no covering up for him.

The other woman isn't your enemy. He is.

[laurenandsophie]

OP, you sound so heartbroke, I'm so sorry for you.

Perhaps you could try to see the situation from an outsider's perspective. What would you want your DD or your best friend to do in this situation? You might think 'but that's different, my (ex)P isn't really like this, they don't know him like I do' - again, if your DD or best friend responded in that way, would you shrug and say 'oh well in that case keep asking him to come back to you' or 'open your eyes, he's an arsehole, protect yourself and your DC and DM'?

[RosieCockle]

As I see it, you're being soft with him and hard on yourself - it needs to be the other way round!

[Diamogs]

OP move back in to the house until it sells.

You've still got to pay the mortgage one way or another so you may as well get the benefit.

On that note, call your lender and explain. They may be able to switch to interest only til it sells which will reduce uoiur outgoings.

Tax credits and child benefit should feed you and the kids, not pay for the pretty things that OW wants to buy for their new home.

Put job hunting on hold temporarily until you feel better.

[Cary2012]

Somehow, today, you have to toughen up.

Your OP was so raw and your pain so real. I identified with your post, especially when you described your ex's coldness and detachment and how you jumped through hoops, taking on all the responsibility to fix things. That was me six years ago, I nearly had a breakdown too.

Thing is, you have to change your mindset. He will not see the light and be fair with you. He has gone, you have to take time to grieve and move on.

You must today make an appointment with the best family lawyer you can find (if you live in Norfolk pm me). CAB can give you a list of local ones if you want to contact them. Legal advice is crucial and this needs accessing urgently. You have to, with a solicitor untangle your contribution to his debts as a priority.

Are you claiming tax credits? Go on Entitledto to see that you're getting all you can.

You need to detach from him. The kids will always have a dad, but for your sanity stop talking to him. Text only about contact for kids. Set up contact at regular times so kids get into a routine, and you have space between to clear your head. Only text about contact, no small talk, nothing.

That door you've left open for him to return through? Slam it shut and lock it.

Get tough, take control, prioritise your kids and you. Do all you can to secure yourself financially.

He's made his bed, he can lie in it.

After I threw ex out I filed for divorce within a week. It empowered me and gave me control for the first time in years. Also, tell people the truth, don't blame yourself, blame him. Don't blame OW, blame him. He needs you to force him to own this. Stop paying his debts is the first step.

Remember however lovely the house is, it's just a thing, bricks. Your kids and you will find another home.

Good luck

[FeralBeryl]

Oh sweetheart.

A house is a pile of bricks - in this case, a puke of bricks tarnished with bullshit and gloom.
You will make a lovely home for your children, a safe, happy, secure haven with no moody bastards sullying it!

Please please make an appointment with CAB, they will clarify things for you, also Shelter offer some wonderful free advice for this kind of situation.

Stop being so accommodating, I know it because you think you're helping the kids with unfettered access, but see it as leading by example, being robust and firm, sticking to routine for them.

And most importantly- stop asking him back, you are allowing him to rewrite history and apportion blame directly at your feet.
He sounds like a millstone, so yes, a big cheers to OW, she's done you a bigger favour than you can imagine.

We're all watching you - imagine the collective mumsnet boot being kicked up your arse the next time you wobble and ask him to try again.

You can do this

[Alonglongway]

Mine were the same age when very similar happened. They are 19 and 16 now and we've had tough times (who doesn't?) but they have grown up great, great young women. They both have regular contact with their dad. We have not co-parented and it has been hard but I have encouraged contact other than when one of them didn't want it and then I backed them up

we also had to sell up the family home but we did 12 years in our next home. We just moved again this year and it was interesting to see their reaction. They don't remember living with their dad and they were sad about leaving our old house but also excited about making new home. I am just making the point that homes can be re-made

Good luck and keep strong.

[Justaboy]

I know your in a poor state of mind and been thru the mill but do go get legal advice before anymore time goes by else you may be diddled out of what is rightfully yours!

Please!

[ohtheholidays]

I'm really glad your thread is helping,you will get that fire in your belly OP!
Some of us will have been through horrible break up's,I know I went through one but the rubbish I went through it honestly is a distant memory now.

Now if I looked back it's so far removed from what my life is now it's like I'm remembering someone elses life!
I found having children to look after whilst I was dealing with it all made me be brave,I had no choice because of them it made me push myself to do and get the best I could for my DC.

You've got this when ever it feels to much or you feel like you might be wavering come on here and tell us all,the support on her can help you find the strength when you need it and I'm sure we could all come up with some new swears you could call him under your breath

[user1472557500]

to everyone who posted on my thread - thank you! It's been so unbelievably helpful.

I have many answers and reasons for what seems like spineless behavior on my part but it's good to be told you're letting someone take the piss simply because it's hard to know when you are after something like this. I have spoken to only a few people about my situation and it's power and energy to me to hear outside views now.

It's true I am broken and I am not full of fire, I try to connect to the anger but I need to be strong and angry not weak and angry. I need time and then I will be able to find my power again in a genuine way. One that actually is power.

House is on the market tomorrow- it looks so beautiful, my heart is breaking to see my children's bedrooms and the garden with the sandpit and trampoline.

Thanks to all again and everyone who has experienced this in their own lives I salute you (and give )

[ProcrastinatingSquid2]

OP, the other woman hasn't exactly won herself a prize. She's got a baby -how do you think your ex is going to feel once reality kicks in and she's giving more attention to a child that isn't even his than to him?
He sounds horrendous, and in a while you're going to feel much better without him. You won't be saddled with his stupidity with money and getting you both into debt anymore. You won't be with someone who is unfaithful, selfish and irresponsible. The lucky other woman has now got that.
Also, please don't beg him to come back -if not for your own self respect then for your children. My granddad (mum's dad) cheated on my grandma throughout their marriage and she put up with it. The lesson that that gave me mum and her sister about what they should put up with from their husbands was terrible. Don't let your children see him cheating on you and you asking him to come back. Show them what a good relationship and good boundaries are.