Blown up life - cheers OW

[user1472557500]

I've been trying to deal with this but am struggling, I just really need some help and support. I feel like I am at the bottom of a deep dark hole.

I've been together with my DP for 10 years, we've had a normal happy relationship with some difficult (but I would class as very normal times) dealing with the stresses of young children and financial pressures. We've been through lots together and share a lot of interests. I thought we were happy, in a stable relationship building our family life together.

This summer my DP started to act strange - he had hidden debt from me. This triggered huge arguments as I was at home looking after the kids (nearly 2 and 4) and it meant me going back to work before planned. I had wanted to stay home with the kids until the youngest was 3 and I had given up my well paid job, moved out of the city and we'd taken on a cheaper mortgage in a countryside location to do so.

The arguments this debt triggered seemed incredibly intense and he had little remorse this time (he's hidden debt before, in fact he has been awful with money the whole time we've been together). He then told me he didn't love me and I had changed since having the kids, I had put too much of my focus on them and had neglected our relationship by becoming isolated and not developing myself. This was a massive shock to me as I thought he loved me. I asked him if there was someone else and he denied it.
At this point I told him I would do whatever it took to get him to be happy with me again - I said I'd get back to work, earn my big salary again, put kids in childcare, focus on him and get our relationship strong again. I want my kids to have an intact family and I thought we could be happy so this is why I wanted to make these changes to myself. Putting my kids in childcare was a big compromise for me.

For the next month I tried this plan, he met my efforts with cold angry disdain though, it was emotional torture. He was distant and avoided all physical contact with me. One night he broke down saying he couldn't go on, there was another woman, a work colleague - they'd fallen in love and with that he left.

A week later he returned. During the week he was gone I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown, on tranquilizers and unable to eat or sleep. He told me on his return that him and the OW couldn't bear to break two families as she is also married with a small child. He said it was over with her so I took him back and I vowed to make it work for me, him and the kids.

The following month I did everything possible to make it work- we got our sex life back and I didn't argue, complain or mention his affair. I was supportive and forgiving, fun, sexy and optimistic. He however did not seem happy, he drank lots, was moody and abusive, the sex bordered on abusive too. He complained about the kids, family life, the house - basically everything. He was dark and scary. Finally after 6 weeks of this emotional torture he said he couldn't pretend he loved me anymore and that he wanted her. He left again, this time for good.

I was plunged back into despair, I couldn't eat or sleep. I was back on the tranquilizers and desperate for help. He was cold and angry to me. I was (and am) looking after the kids full time and keeping everything from them so as not to hurt them. In an attempt to keep sane and get some support I went with the kids to my Mums while he stayed in the house.

So this takes us to now - we are in constant contact because of the kids and I allow him as much contact as he wants. I am cordial, nice and collaborative with him. I am trying my best to keep the kids happy. I am very nice to him, when he is around, I encourage the kids relationship with him. I have not bad talked him or told the truth about why Daddy is leaving Mummy.

Because of the location of our house I cannot live there - it's too far from where I would be working and too remote for a single Mum. So I am forced out of my home too. I loved my home. Currently I live with my little kids in my elderly Mothers house, have been here for 2 months living out of a suitcase.

I don't have a job yet as my field is specialist and dependent on location and I'm incredibly busy just caring for a 2 and 4 year old alone.
So now I have no income, he takes the benefits I receive to pay for the house. The debts are out of control too so our house must be sold.

I live on no money, just the money from my Mothers pension for food. He gives us nothing as all his salary is going to debt.

I have found the pictures of him and her on our shared computer, I've seen her crotch picture next to the pictures of our kids. I've seen the screenshots of things he wants to buy for their home.

He has started to say that our relationship was dead and seems to be moving way past his guilt or remorse. He blames me. I have started to blame myself as well now for not having sex with him enough when the kids came along. It's like he has reimagined the split to be mutual although I have told him many times it's not and asked him to come back to me. I think because I am so nice to him and facilitate his relationship to the kids that in some way I am happy with this and that it's just a mutual split by two grown-ups.

I am consumed by hurt and pain but I hide it, I want her (OW) to see the absolute trauma they are putting me and the kids through.

Can anyone help me. Can you give me some perspective or hope or anything really.
I have my kids but everything else I had in my life is gone. I am obsessed with how much better than me she must be for a devoted father like my exDP to hurt his kids and essentially evict them from their happy family home. She must be amazing. I in comparison seem worthless.

It's really hard to cope with. I think the term is clusterfuck

[Blueisnotforglue]

What an utter cunt. The pair of them actually but she holds no responsibility to you,she'll have to deal with her own morals herself. Your ex on the other hand? Christ it's been a while since we've had a wanker of that magnitude on here.

DO NOT give him any more of your money. Just don't. Let his debt build up and pay it off when you sell the house. This is not your responsibility.

DO NOT feel guilty about your children. They do not need a man like this teaching them about life and relationships and how to treat people. Maintain contact but do not feel guilty he isn't there full time.

Your whole future life has been blown to pieces. I get that. I get how hard it is to get over that and the need to lash out and for someone to recognise what's been done to you. You've been fucked over no doubt about it. So get angry. Stand up and get angry.

Look you've already said you can earn good money, in a few years you'll be set up, independent and happy. She'll be stuck with a prick who acts like a child and can't be trusted with a debit card. Thank your lucky stars you don't have to deal with him anymore. That's all the punishment she needs.

[PoldarksBreeches]

Please stop feeling guilty over your children. They are very young and they will be fine. Yes they will miss their dad but you will more than make up for that. Children can and do come through break ups unscathed - the key is for the adults to protect them from the shit. And that doesn't mean handing all the money you need to feed and clothe them to your ex!
He has his income, how can he possibly need your benefits as well to pay the mortgage? Or are your benefits for him to live off while you and the kids have nothing? I have never heard anything so mad to be honest.

[IdaDown]

He's a P rather than H.

What are his debts for? Are they personal debts or are they secured on the house?

If they're personal, unsecured debts - fnuck him. They are nothing to do with you or the house.

You could run a credit check on him to find out.

Have you got a joint account - remove the money to a new account.

Change any passwords to your current accounts.

How are the utilities payed - whose name/s are they in?

Does he have a stable salaried job? Would he pay maintenance? If you think not, how much equity is there in the property? Could you negotiate the equity in lieu of (as much) maintenance?

Discuss changing the mortgage to interest only with lender - explain the situation. They' ll have heard it all before.
Stop giving him the benefit money - how long can your mum support you all.
You could move back to the house and rent out a bedroom/s.

Your xp is fnucking you and the kids over financially and he doesn' t care.

[MaMaof04]

Oh dear! I am so sorry that I do not have much time for a longer reply. Just a few things that other ladies might have already told you.
1- Be as upset as you want against the OW and him
2- Accept your anger your hatred your desire to throw at them all the bad things they did to you in the hope it will stick to them.
Now is no time for whateverfair or noble behavior.
Now is the time for you 'to cry and shout and let it out' .
At the same time reconnect with yourself. Read if possible.
Take care of the kids it is wonderful but try take into account your needs.
So if you invest a lot in fancy games activities and routine for the kids - forget it. Do with them things you like- go out for long hours and enjoy the nature (autumnal colors wrapping wind- musical drops...); read books you like next to them when they play or watch videos; meet friends at parks, coffees, cinemas etc ....I hope you will soon find a job. That is important. A good lawyer is a must only if his fees are not so big that nothing is left to you. And slowly listen to your inner voice: You behaved in line with good principles; they didnt; they deserve each other; you deserve better: finding back yourself; raising your kids to become decent and loving; allowing yourself to grow and accept that there are things that are not under our control etc etc but mostly learn to appreciate the little things in life (a good cup of coffee in the neighborhood coffe-shop on a terrace ; a nice cup of wine; music; books; hugging the kids (bring them to your bed now- they will love it and you will as well....hug and hug them....) Good Luck. My heart is with you. My prayers for you. Believe me time is a healer. Traumas can move us out of comfort zones and make us re-discover ourselves, the world around us and a rebirth....Just say that you just cut an umbilical cord...Now you are at the painful stage so do not be ashamed to let yourself hate them or cry or be sad. It is OK. (AD can help). Good Luck! Another thing: make him help as much as you can- financially and by using him to care for the kids so that yoou can focus on yourself.

[IKnowWhyACagedBirdSings]

I hope you haven't allowed him back into your life. Don't ever think he will change.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP, this is awful, I'm so sorry for your situation.

There are some incredibly helpful responses on this thread; I particularly like alembic's further up the thread.

Do whatever you have to do to get through this until your house is sold. I understand that you don't want to lose everything and that it all hinges on the house not being repossessed before it's sold. It's a shit situation, it really is.

When do you think the last financial 'tie' will be? Do you have some sort of timetable that you're working to?

Your ex is an unimaginable louche sort of excuse for a man. Buying things for his new set-up whilst there is a massive debt affecting you as well... I'm speechless about that.

Would there be any merit in you moving back to the house (and him moving OUT) in the meantime? I know you're not working at the moment so currently, a proximity to work isn't the issue but it might give you some sort of control over what's happening with the house. I'm suggesting this because if he has a bolt-hole with the OW then he's not that motivated to ensure fair play or even the best possible outcome for the sale of the house.

I'm truly sorry for what you're going through but get through it you will.

[Hermonie2016]

Op, hope you are doing ok.

Thankyou for posting, sharing the description of your husband's behaviour is so much like my own situation but you have said it so eloquently. "Dark & scary" was just like my stbex.He hasnt admitted to OW but I know that's most likely to be reason.

You will recover and rebuild a better life, hard to belief now but you will.