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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just getting back on track after 8 days nc

53 replies

pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 22:58

Its taken a long time to get here. nearly 4 years of ea, but I finally managed to end things with my bf. I felt so much better each day and actually stopped missing him and getting on with my life, the realisation that all his actions I saw as love were controlling and nasty. going NC really worked for me.

now...5 mins ago he has emailed me saying he thinks he has cancer! I dont know what to do, he put me through hell but how can I not respond to that, I am not heartless but I am wary this may be another ploy which is sick but what if its genuine?

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 16/11/2016 23:09

Hmmmm it could be a coincidence or it could be a sick ploy to draw you back in. I suppose it would depend why he thought he had cancer, symptoms, medical advice etc etc. Has he explained why he thinks he has cancer?

I think I'd be tempted to reply with hope it's good news from the doctor or something down those lines.

Original poster
pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 23:13

he has had niggling pains for years but when told by me and others to see a doctor he refused, his email tonight was odd, he basically said he had felt unwell since he last saw me and suspects its cancer of the spleen. I am just concerned it could be a ploy to get me back under his spell

OP posts:
GazingAtStars · 16/11/2016 23:15

It probably is a ploy. Has he even seen a Dr?

Original poster
pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 23:15

i told him when I ended it that I would find contact hard and to allow us both the time to heal and move on we should cease contact. we live in different towns and for the first time I was feeling free and dare i say happy. then this email tonight. In the past its always been me making contact and i wonder if he has realised I no longer am under his spell

OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 23:16

i have a pang of guilt...mainly because I want to ignore it, and wonder if that makes me heartless.

OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 23:17

no he hasnt seen his dr

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 16/11/2016 23:17

Oh the old cancer routine.......

Quite a few posters have had messages like that.

On closer investigation they never saw a bloody doctor at all. But the damage is done, they've succeeded in having you worried about them.

And once it works, the cancer story will be wheeled out whenever it's needed again.

These people rarely if ever have an X ray to back it up.

Hissy · 16/11/2016 23:18

It's a ploy.

Remain nc

Radio silence

ladylambkin · 16/11/2016 23:20

I had an ex who lied his father has cancer to get back in contact again (despite knowing my own father had cancer and the pain our whole family was going through)

Would him having cancer make you want him back?

fc301 · 16/11/2016 23:20

Having had leukaemia in spleen I have to say this sounds like BS.
Has he had a blood test/ lumbar puncture/ CT scan/ ultrasound/ oncology or haematology appointments. All these would precede a diagnosis.
So I'd say it's probably bollocks.
Even if it's true you cannot make it go away.
I'd ignore.

AppleMagic · 16/11/2016 23:20

He hasn't even seen a dr? It sounds like game playing to me.

HeddaGarbled · 16/11/2016 23:20

Oh for goodness sake. Of course he doesn't have cancer. Which he coincidentally "thinks he might have" just when you are slipping out of his grasp. Those 8 days of non contact were so long enough for him to start experiencing and notice the previously non-existent symptoms, consult his GP, get referred for testing, have the testing and be given a diagnosis. Not.

He thinks you're a gullible fool. You're not, are you?

fc301 · 16/11/2016 23:21

He hasn't seen his Dr! Oh please!!!!

Original poster
pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 23:22

His email wasnt flirty or romantic, more factual so maybe it was genuine. he said what was going on at work, said his kids have been keeping his pucker up, that he has been ill since he last saw me and suspects cancer of the spleen and then asked how I was doing..it was an odd email, not sure if it was just an update on his life, and im reading too much into it. I did ask him not to respect my need for nc though which this isnt.

Its also his birthday on Sunday and I dont know if thats relevant

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 16/11/2016 23:24

Look, if you want to contact him again, do so.

But don't make this utter bollocks the reason.

Original poster
pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 23:25

yes, reading it again its like a woe is me message. look at what you have done to me sort of message. Even the comment about his kids keeping his pucker up. He also said his flat felt empty. The thing is my dad died of cancer and my mum is battling with it now, so this is a bit sick if made up for attention

OP posts:
Original poster
pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 23:25

elspeth i dont want to make contact and I wont but I wobbled for a moment

OP posts:
ladylambkin · 16/11/2016 23:26

Ignore him...block him on everything. Flowers

Muddlewitch · 16/11/2016 23:26

It is a ploy to get you back in contact, I would bet a year's salary on it.

My ex used to do similar, it's all a game about control. You are doing really well keep going.

tribpot · 16/11/2016 23:26

Oh come on. He's diagnosed himself with cancer of the spleen - what next, will he be administering his own radiotherapy?

This is just a different tactic to draw you back in - and it's working. Please do not give in to this.

I wouldn't reply, and if he queries it when you next see him I would tell him you have a filter on his email address as you are no contact. And put a filter on his email address.

Gingernaut · 16/11/2016 23:27

He's self diagnosed a rare and improbable cancer without recourse to medical advice?

It's a trap.

FGS do not reply.

Block his number.

ElspethFlashman · 16/11/2016 23:28

Then press delete. And I would block his email address, cos Lord knows he'll keep prodding and prodding until he gets a reaction.

He doesn't give a shit about your request to go NC. So you have to build a wall to force it to happen i.e. block his email address.

Original poster
pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 23:28

thanks for the replies. I felt I had to do something when I got the email and sharing it on here has helped me decide not to contact him. I appreciate the outlet and advice on here, thanks x

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 16/11/2016 23:30

He's not even seen a doctor but suddenly after your NC he thinks he's got cancer. He's self diagnosed and felt the need to tell you - for me it's BS and like you, having a friend currently battling CUP I find it sick

Hidingtonothing · 16/11/2016 23:33

Yep, hold your nerve OP, 'suspected' illness without even seeing a doctor is a common, unimaginative and, frankly, pathetic ploy to regain your attention and sympathy. If you really can't maintain NC maybe reply with something like 'sorry to hear that, hope you have some support from friends/family as I'm sure you'll understand that it wouldn't be appropriate to expect me to support you under the circumstances. I wish you well, hope it turns out not to be anything serious.' That should let him know the ploy has not worked, nor is it likely to in the future. If you think about it you're the last person he's likely to have contacted if it was true, who would want someone to rekindle a relationship with them out of pity because they're ill? Your theory about him realising you're no longer under his spell makes much more sense.