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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just getting back on track after 8 days nc

53 replies

pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 22:58

Its taken a long time to get here. nearly 4 years of ea, but I finally managed to end things with my bf. I felt so much better each day and actually stopped missing him and getting on with my life, the realisation that all his actions I saw as love were controlling and nasty. going NC really worked for me.

now...5 mins ago he has emailed me saying he thinks he has cancer! I dont know what to do, he put me through hell but how can I not respond to that, I am not heartless but I am wary this may be another ploy which is sick but what if its genuine?

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 16/11/2016 23:38

Good for you OP. Also, he's not your problem anymore!

BlueFolly · 16/11/2016 23:45

He's self diagnosed a rare and improbable cancer without recourse to medical advice?

Couchpotato3 · 16/11/2016 23:46

Stay strong. He might just as well have said he's emigrating to the moon or he's won the lottery, just as likely/unlikely.

Even if it's true (clearly it isn't), he has forfeited the right to any consideration or support from you due to his previous behaviour. End of.

Congratulations on ending it. He is just attempting to continue with his EA. Do not engage. Do expect more crap from him - I doubt he will let this go after only one further attempt. You could entertain us with the next instalment from him, or preferably block him entirely and move on with your life.

AppleMagic · 16/11/2016 23:46

If I was being sympathetic to him I'd suggest that maybe he has some sort of health anxiety. But it's more likely he's still trying to manipulate you.

Either way, in fact even in the very unlikely event he actually does have cancer, you left him for a good reason.

Original poster

pregnantat50 · 16/11/2016 23:50

actually AppleMagic you may have a point, he was always a bit of a hypochondriac

OP posts:

Musiclife · 16/11/2016 23:51

My ex informed me he had cancer after we split up. It turned out to be true as he sent me a picture of his scar . I did act sympathetic as I was concerned as you are but looking back I should have ignored it as it didn't change anything (still a knob.)

DistanceCall · 16/11/2016 23:53

Even if it was true - so what?

Are you suppose to run back to his emotionally abusive side and nurse him? Being ill doesn't make a person good, or deserving of love.

If he's ill (which I doubt), he can get medical help and support from his friends and family. If he has any.

Original poster

pregnantat50 · 17/11/2016 00:07

he does have family and friends. he made a point of telling me everyone has been there for him except me including his xMIL and another lady friend who he claimed all the way through our relationship was in love with him. I am pleased he has support but he said it to me in such a way to guilt trip me. I wont go over what he did in full but a classic example is when he told me that i should find a boyfriend who wanted a fat girlfriend (said while we were together) he would put me down and then say the opposite it was a rollercoaster of emotions, i just didnt need that in my life and my children hated him. (he was openly rude to me in front of them)

OP posts:

Original poster

pregnantat50 · 17/11/2016 00:10

he also admitted he was unkind to me. He said he will miss me more than I will him as I was nicer to him than he was to me. says it all really

OP posts:

Kuriusoranj · 17/11/2016 00:19

I wanted to say pretty much what Distance said. Assume for a moment that it's true - so what? You're not responsible for him and he didn't deserve you before now. Nothing has happened to change that. This is your one life - you're not required to spend it supporting someone who you have decided rightly not to be with. If true, it would be unfortunate timing and sad, but no more than that.

I think a lot of us who have lived through EA relationships do have trouble understanding and acknowledging that our primary responsibility is to ourselves - his need, whatever it is, does not automatically trump yours. Well done on making the break - believe me it's so much nicer this side!

Olddear · 17/11/2016 06:37

He doesn't have cancer. Block and delete.

AnyFucker · 17/11/2016 06:42

If he has cancer I am Michelle Obama.

SandyY2K · 17/11/2016 07:07

suspects cancer of the spleen

Self diagnosed then. Bloody nonsense. When was the biopsy done? What oncologist is he under?

He's not had a diagnosis, otherwise he'd be sure he had cancer.

He's trying to gain sympathy. It doesn't sound like you have kids together, so no reason to stay in touch. Block and delete him from everywhere.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 17/11/2016 07:14

Stick to your guns OP. He's trying to force contact through the sympathy vote. If he goes to the doc and is diagnosed, you can revisit the conversation. However, even if that happened, would you want to be in contact?

RedLemonade · 17/11/2016 07:21

Repeat after me, "Not my circus, not my monkeys".

Don't take the bait.

RueDeDay · 17/11/2016 07:21

My ExH was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we split. His consultant gave him a 4-6% chance of surviving 5 years. I was in bits.

Miraculously, despite never having had any chemo, radiotherapy, or other medical treatment, he is still alive and healthy and showing no signs of illness two years later. And this from a man who had both parents die of cancer. They stoop really, really low, OP. Don't fold.

ptumbi · 17/11/2016 07:24

OP - even if he does have cancer (he doesn't) you cannot cure it. You didn't cause it. You can't and don't want to be involved.

Beware of Flying Monkeys next - his kids maybe, his mother, mutual friends - who will contact you telling you how sick/sad he is, how empty his life is, if only you would come and see him...

Don'#t fall for it. You got away, don't go back.

LetsAllEatCakes · 17/11/2016 08:23

He's a manipulative person op. Keep the nc up and block him on everything. His woe is me, pity me, feel bad email should only serve as a thankful reminder of why you left.

Original poster

pregnantat50 · 17/11/2016 08:26

Thanks again for the support.

I have blocked his kids too which was harder than blocking him as I have known his younger daughter since she was 5 (she is 21) and she is my daughters best friend. She moved towns when she went to Uni and has stayed there so we dont see her any more but she is in contact with my daughter via mobile and social media. He has lovely children, all grown up and well rounded individuals. In the past he would ask his daughter to contact me when I was unavailable to him after a row, but this is different and I dont think he would try it this time, but then I didn't think he would play the cancer card either.

I really am amazed at how I have no feelings for him at all anymore, its like I have woken up from a bad dream. I wonder if meeting him so soon after my 28 year relationship ended was the reason I didn't see his flaws (rebound and all that)

Although it was me that actually ended the relationship in words, the truth is he ended it when he moved away to another city and tried to get me to join him by saying things like "your children dont want you with them, cant you see that"...My daughter was appalled, she said "mum, dont listen to him he is trying to make you dependent on him and turn you against us".

When I was blinded by what I thought was love I half beleived everything he told me. He made hidden derogatory comments long before that, that I am now rethinking in my head. Things like, "you appear so intelligent, why are you doing the job you are doing (I am a receptionist)" Then when I lost weight after his constant jibes he said he couldnt see I had lost any (I went from a size 16 to an 8!) He then told me his friends liked me despite my accent! Loads of hidden insults mingled with 'compliments' He wore me down and was very abusive in the bedroom, which I wont go into here, but one comment early on should have rung alarm bells he said as we were getting passionate "The trouble with you, is you like sex too much, this isnt for you, its for me"...weird man!

OP posts:

Unrequitedlove · 17/11/2016 08:28

I'd be wary. Ultimately, he isn't your responsibility. I would delay the reply if you do reply and advise to see doctor. Short sweet otherwise he will real you back in. Childish behaviour and desperation I think- a week after split

Footle · 17/11/2016 08:39

He has seen a doctor - Dr Google.

Original poster

pregnantat50 · 17/11/2016 10:35

Ive just googled it myself, its quite a rare cancer with very little symptoms, strange he has come to the conclusion he has it

OP posts:

BlueFolly · 17/11/2016 11:51

Oh god, after reading further, don't even reply!

AnyFucker · 17/11/2016 12:00

Christ almighty, you have dodged a bullet there, for sure

MagicSocks · 17/11/2016 12:19

Even if it's true it's really not your business anymore. Don't feel guilty, not even a little bit. That's what he's banking on. After four years of EA you thoroughly deserve to move on with your life, he needs to find support elsewhere. Don't waver OP

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