I am SO inexperienced...

[amammabear]

My husband left me a few months ago. Having been with him four years and years, and having never had any other relationships at all, I am ridiculously inexperienced, so I could do with some advice, even though I know this makes me sound ridiculously childish.

There is a guy, a really great guy, and I've fallen for him. But now I don't know what to do with myself at all. I'm terrified that if I say something to him about my feelings, he'll distance himself from me or pity me, and while we're not close friends, I can't bear the thought of losing his friendship. Yet at the same time, what if by not saying something I'm missing out on what could've been something great?

How should I approach this? Is there any possible way to handle this without messing things up?

Sorry for sounding likea silly teenager, but despite being much older, this is all completely new.

Maybe he's having the same doubts? I've known people to quietly nurse a long term attraction and when the moment comes they fear risking rejection. Break the ice and ask him out for a coffee.

Cn you say something vague like 'we should go out for a drink before you go' and see how he reacts?

He's not actually going yet, it's some months away, but there is a lot of preparation (it's complicated!) But like I say, I would love to support him in that whether just as a friend or more.

Whether it is feasible long term, I don't know, possibly, possibly not, but I wouldn't see the harm in starting something and finding out. He of course could think different.

Could he have been hinting about that before? I don't know, it hadn't occurred to me.

It's possible it was a hint, do you have his text number so you can text him re meeting for a coffee/drink? I would find it easier to do via text/email than face to face. I don't think it matters - if you send a clear signal, if he's interested he'all go for it. Good luck!

Suggest a coffee to him, maybe just say " we really should go for a coffee before you move "

Dont overthink it,

Good luck.

Let's imagine what might happen if you ask him for a coffee and he is not keen, or is surprised.

You: It's a shame you're leaving, I like chatting to you. Are you in a rush to get home or do you fancy a coffee?

Him: Oh! Er... gotta get home really!
You: Oh well, I won't keep you then. See you tomorrow!

Him: Um ... (looks uncomfortable) ... I'm a bit busy...
You: Of course you are! Busy preparing for the move. When's the big day again?

As long as you don't make it out to be a big deal if he's not interested, you can keep things light and breezy .... have another subject ready to talk about so that you don't just stand there in silence.

There is nothing embarrassing about asking someone out as long as you don't look like you will break down crying if they say no. It is flattering being asked out!

You could say next time you're chatting, that you've realised how much you're going to miss him when he goes. Then, how are you getting on with all the preparation? Do you need any help with anything? Depending how he responds, follow up with 'can we go out for a coffee and you can tell me all about your plans?

All you can do is be yourself, show him you care about him, and want to spend time with him. Hopefully that will grow into something... If you can get on to it, then "Why are you on your own, have you never met anyone you like enough?"

Good luck.

Pklme I did wonder about saying that I'm going to miss him but thought that might freak him out. I'm considering it though

I think you can say it quite lightly. It is natural to reevaluate relationships when people move on, so a normal thing to say, I think. People say things like 'it won't be the same here without you', and no one bats an eye lid.

You aren't going to be able to make a move without actually putting yourself out there a little and taking a risk!

Does he actually know that your marriage is over? If he thinks you're still married, that maybe a reason for him not to make a move. So make sure he knows you are single!!

I would definitely ask him out for a drink first - then perhaps dinner if the drinks part of the evening goes well. As others have said, if he responds to your invitation with any hesitation, or abject horror then laugh it off, and move on. He may be in a long term hidden relationship, for all you know, if he isn't openly gay...

No, I do know he's definitely single. I realise if I don't try I'll not get anywhere, but I'm such a wuss. He definitely knows about the marriage as well.

The thing is though, I've just never done this before, I've never chased anyone, my ex did all the work and I've never had a boyfriend or any hint of a relationship before that and my ex and I have been together a lot of years.

For the last four years I've only still been with him because it was better for the kids if things didn't change, we haven't had a proper relationship for all that time because of something he did, but I just couldn't change it when it only would've benefited me and I couldn't imagine anyone else ever being interested in me, so him being there was better for them. But he decided he couldn't continue on that basis, so here we are.

Bite the bullet and ask him out. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If he's not interested in you, then at least you will know, and can move on and find someone who is interested. Don't procrastinate!! Life is short.

If you think your going to mess up then you probably will. Your putting pressure on yourself and you won't act naturally when around him. Just be flirty naturally. If anything is going to happen it will happen if it doesn't it doesn't. Either way you won't be disappointed, by "wanting" something that you might not get will cause you pain.

It's so sad to hear you say you didn't think anybody would be interested in you - why is that? You sound fab! So much of sexual attractiveness is just confidence and how you carry yourself. The more confident you are, the more attractive you'll be. Easier said than done, of course!

You really should go for it with this chap. What do you have to lose? He's moving away, so if he's not interested, you won't have the awkwardness of seeing him regularly. Perhaps see this as a trial run for the next phase of your romantic life? Good luck

You guys are wonderful x

You've spent years putting your own needs last, so it's not surprising if you need to get used to the idea that you are "worth it", like the advert says. But it is great you have the confidence to be contemplating moving in on this guy so soon, rather than sitting about miserable - very impressive!

My stbxh was my first relationship, too. Don't assume that everyone else is more experienced than you, there's a wide range. And you have valuable experience of a long-term relationship. Others have never spent more than a few years with someone and don't have that kind of experience. And even those who've had several partners are not necessarily confident or slick!

Personally I found online dating a good way to "practice", as you don't know the people socially so never have to see them again. And neither of you feels stupid flirting, as you are both there to flirt and both know it! But it's not everyone's cup of tea.

Thanks ravenmum

I moved on emotionally a very long time ago, my ex leaving was just a logistical thing to me. I know that sounds harsh.

There is still a fair bit of stigma around divorce in our circles (one of the reasons I left the situation as it was), also I obviously have children, I'm overweight and have medical issues so I'm not exactly a catch.

Doesn't sound harsh to me; sounds like you have your head screwed on. (Incidentally something that would make you attractive to many men!)

My bf is overweight, balding, has minor medical issues which mean he can't go rambling with me, and a young daughter, and he is a real catch. He has a wicked smile and sense of humour, gorgeous eyes, doesn't have an overinflated ego, enjoys cooking, is knowledgeable and smart, admits his failures and apologises for mistakes, likes animals, gets all enthusiastic about plans, comes up with his own ideas, is the first to put up his hand if someone needs help, etc. etc.

I bet that you are not looking only for skinny model types, so why assume others are? And maybe you need to move circles?

I couldn't move circles, it's my whole life, we're rather more forward thinking when it comes to things like divorce, but not everybody is.

I'm certainly not looking for a skinny model, type, I mean I wasn't looking at all, but this guy doesn't fit that mould. He is however fit, healthy and would be able to have children etc with other people which isn't an option for me, so I would be holding him back.

I have however got a couple of ideas for things to start a conversation now, including some upcoming events I could hint at going to. Will just have to see if I can get him on his own to chat...

Rather ironically he just texted me about something! Lol

I second asking him out in a vague way (because I'm not very forward either, which doesn't necessarily mean you should take my advice!) and say something like, "I'd love to meet for a drink before you go" - that way if he says no or ignores it, you can pretend you never fancied him. If he says yes, then you can worry about what you will say at the drink later!

Just tried a vague one, he didn't vote as he's busy, but didn't look horrified. It was definitely the vaguest option though, just an "are you doing anything for xxx?" "Yeah, not exactly thrilled though"

Was his answer "Yeah, not exactly thrilled though"

If so, text back with an alternative, like how about going to xxxx instead for dinner and drinks or to see whatever film or play.

Go for it.