The grim acceptance and sadness that my husband is horrible to me....

[EasyToEatTiger]

Where did it all go wrong? It seems that throughout our relationship my husband has had real hints of nastiness. He punched me nearly 20 years ago because I didn't share his point of view. I have felt often as though I have been around to cook, clean and fuck. Today he said he wished I were dead. Of course everything is my fault. We have 2 gorgeous dcs. My husband has always had a habit of picking on someone to vent. Before me it was a dog. I am feeling very sad and vulnerable. He said he would prefer to live alone and I agreed. I am certainly not perfect but I don't expect to be told emphatically that I am an abject failure who has never had a proper job and I'm useless and I don't look after my family. He used to criticise me heavily and tell me I should be able to take criticism. I said it was not helpful. Anyway, he didn't agree. I am painting a picture of a monster, which is not entirely accurate. I saw his behaviour today as that of a frightened child.

I did the same.....actually when ex-h first left, I didn't drink at all, I thought if I did I would never stop...and I had a toddler and a very badly affected teen. Then I went the other way for a while but realised how shit it made me feel. The best advice I can give you is try not to go too mad with the wine, make sure you eat, or buy protein shakes like I did as I couldn't even swallow solids, drink plenty of water, keep hydrated. Try and sleep as best you can. Tiny baby steps, but don't let yourself get ill like I did...easy to say when you're not in it, I know, but I have been there. Your head wasn't in the sand, you were just treading water and looking after your kids...don't look back...

Perhaps you do feel like this 'It still feels as though I have crushed by a steamroller with my finger attached to an electrical socket', but that is ok, because you have. You have lived through something damaging and cold and dark and terrifying and you're still here, still walking forward. It sounds like you are letting go a bit, so you allow yourself to drink a bit, and then the anger comes, the anger that has been brewing for so long in you that you have been numbing down. So feel it, go with it, get angry at him but remember that in all this the important person now is YOU. Not him. Feel what you need to feel, and let it go.

He cheated repeatedly on his first wife. I really don't know why or how she put up with it for so long

Probably for many the same reasons you've put up with him and his attitude towards you.

Today a gp appointment. Tomorrow the other school. Next week, the dcs to the doc. The whole thing is hideous. My husband goes on as though nothing has happened. He denies wishing me dead. I don't know how else I was supposed to interpret his words then. I was so shocked by his blow-out and I told him I felt like dying. He said something along the lines of it being a good idea, or that he would prefer it that I were dead. What am I misreading? Honestly, I really feel sometimes that I make things up. I have no idea what this man sees when he looks in the mirror. It can bear no resemblance to what anyone else sees. Oddly I think he lacks the ability to reflect.

This is called gaslighting my darling. Please ignore him. Please. You are not misreading anything at all. Focus on you and your DC's. Keep a diary, as I said earlier, it concentrates your thoughts...and indeed your threads here will act as a journal of sorts. He sounds like a narcissist, a term that is regularly bandied about on MN, often incorrectly IMO, but how you describe his behaviour is textbook. He clearly has no empathy either.

I have never considered him a narcissist. I have always thought of him as being fairly normal. It is the lack of relationships which has been the constant. He has never had friends of his own. He has never I believe, experienced intimacy. My own history is utterly fucked up. I have waded through the mire. My family like him. That's going to be hard. They think I have escaped my original family madness and lead a reasonably normal life. I have told the children that we are going to speak to the doctor about what's going on at home. Their demeanour has lightened. The elder dc is pleased about the decision to live apart. My family of origin, however dysfunctional (and they really are) will still back me and my children. I think my husband is blind to the rap sheet that is building up. I am looking forward to starting the FP next week. I can't work when I don't feel safe. I will speak to a friend about this tomorrow. So. Thank you all. I really appreciate your support and need it more than ever. I expect my husband has a bit missing. His job involved war zones and I wonder if his behaviour may be PTSD. It's not my problem. It is his failure to deal with real issues which is the problem. I have had no choice. I was advised by the doctors when my eating was awful that it would kill me faster than smoking and drinking. Crumbs! I was very, very ill.

I am certain that my husband is a spineless coward. He is the kind of coward who uses any form of self-defence against percieved attacks. He is the kind of coward who abandons his family. He is the kind of coward who wishes death on the mother of his children. He is the kind of coward who lives entirely without closeness or intimacy. Bleugghhhhhhh. I'm sure someone else has said the same of him.

Keep writing if it helps, the waves of different feelings towards him must be huge. We are entitled to intimacy, love and affection in our marriages. It's ok to want that.

EasytoEat when you say your H has prevented you from working, what do you mean? Physically, financially, emotionally?
My H is in counselling for EA and his MH. He's never wished me dead, he's never prevented me from working, he's never told me or insinuated that I'm worthless. But yet he has, in the past, been nasty and manipulative.
Some of what you've put down here is like our relationship, but on steroids.
Do WA know all this? I'm surprised you haven't yet been referred to any other agencies.

It's so easy to say GET OUT NOW!

Of course it's not so easy to do!

You need to build your confidence somehow and leave him. Yes, you may love him but nobody deserves to live with constant abuse. It's not healthy. Find someone who truly loves you and cares what you're feeling.

I hope things improve for you. Xxx

Wishing you well. Please stop talking to your abusive H. Please stop telling him your plans, discussing things and trying to get him to agree he is abusive. He is never going to do that. You cannot leave someone like this with civility or a mutual agreement. You have to put your fingers in your ears and make arrangements to end the marriage. The more you engage with him the harder it will be. When you realise that he has no respect for you and there is no amicable way, you will fight your way out by the safest and most direct route. It's very tough, but not as tough as living like this.

I know that my husband will not accept his behaviour. In 18 or so years of couples councelling it is now clear why nothing has changed. I am absolutely not discussing my plans with my husband!! No no no! I have been working through the machinations of who to contact and where to find the appropriate support for me and the dcs. I work for myself, so it is really important to me that my workplace is a safe place. A sanctuary. At the moment it is not! I have a lawyer friend who is being kind. I do not have anyone yet acting for me quite yet. It is not yet a priority, but in the next few weeks....

You sound really resolute. Good for you

I hope you escaped.

I hope you found FREEDOM 💕