The grim acceptance and sadness that my husband is horrible to me....

[EasyToEatTiger]

Where did it all go wrong? It seems that throughout our relationship my husband has had real hints of nastiness. He punched me nearly 20 years ago because I didn't share his point of view. I have felt often as though I have been around to cook, clean and fuck. Today he said he wished I were dead. Of course everything is my fault. We have 2 gorgeous dcs. My husband has always had a habit of picking on someone to vent. Before me it was a dog. I am feeling very sad and vulnerable. He said he would prefer to live alone and I agreed. I am certainly not perfect but I don't expect to be told emphatically that I am an abject failure who has never had a proper job and I'm useless and I don't look after my family. He used to criticise me heavily and tell me I should be able to take criticism. I said it was not helpful. Anyway, he didn't agree. I am painting a picture of a monster, which is not entirely accurate. I saw his behaviour today as that of a frightened child.

Agree with tallwithglasses.

Looks like I'm in this for the long haul.

Hope things are ok. Have you spoken to Womens aid or citizens advice?

So heartened to hear you've booked a Freedom Programme course. Yay! It will open your eyes in record time. Your account also illustrates the point I regularly make that reading about it is nowhere near not as powerful as actually going in person and meeting others in the same position. It breaks the isolation which is a crucial element of DV (either because victims are actively isolated by their abuser or the abuse itself is isolating because of the shame).

OP you are well on your way to a fresh life away from this [can't think of a word for him]. You're also saving your gorgeous kids btw, don't forget that bit.

Don't feel bad about not recognising what has been right in front of you. ime we need things like the FP to open our eyes to the red flags that notoriously slither past us, regardless how much therapy we've had. I've also had acres of therapy, have supported and counselled victims of DV for decades - and have been astonished when I discover I have fallen for the same old stuff yet again. Admittedly, I've cottoned on much earlier but imo anyone anywhere can get hoodwinked by the MO of an abuser.

The fear will pass. Hold on, it won't be long

They are on my list. I have a long long list. We established today that my husband is not being deliberately awful. There are Mental Health issues at play which he refuses to address. I sort of knew about this when we first met, but perhaps that was because I had suffered so much that he thought I could 'cure' him. If they can find a cause for prosecution they will, however they think there probably isn't one. I have told the children that I will talk to their heads of year again about the situation. I am terrified that once I start taking things out of circulation he will notice and blow a fit. (tax credits from joint account/birth cirtificates/passports etc)

So, once it's all over, maybe one day, is it possible to escape from abuse? The police officer said I'd been through the mill. Perhaps it's just how life plays out?

What do you mean, escape from abuse?

You can escape from an abuser but, no, you can't escape from abuse - because it happens everywhere, all the time. That doesn't mean you have to entertain it or have it in your life, though! Things like the Freedom Programme raise our awareness to know what to watch out for - but we can't stop it from ever happening in our orbit iyswim. But we can stop it coming into our lives.

I'm concerned on two counts: that you're beginning to make excuses/feel sorry for him. I'm not saying he doesn't have his difficulties/demons but that isn't your responsibility . There is NEVER an excuse to be an abuser, regardless what may have happened in their lives. You don't abuse people, do you? Even with your history, you do not choose to abuse. It's a choice and he's made the choice to abuse you. It really is that clear cut.

My second concern (actually, first) is you are telling him your plans. Statistics make it very clear that leaving an abuser is a very dangerous time for the victim. It is far better, safer, to keep quiet about your plans while you get things in place/do your research. Please, keep quiet!

I remember you talking about mental health issues previously and feel everything got confused. Sorry if I am remembering incorrectly but I think you had ongoing support either for yourself or both of you? Is there someone you can contact?

I think you should put the call to Womens Aid high top of your list. I think there are too many factors here for you to sort.

The police prosecution may be something you feel you need to pursue but if the police do not feel they can charge him that does not mean you have to keep living as you are. You can still get out.

I read the riot act to my father some years ago, and since then he has treated me with respect. I am also responsible for many ways for his welfare. It seems that because I am responsible for my dysfuctional elderly parents that my husband becomes more abusive. I am not making excuses. I am also not telling my husband my plans. Why would I? I have been advised to keep the children aware of what is going on. Not to take sides, but to keep them informed.I am in touch with both schools and they both know that the relationship is in trouble. I have told both dcs that I will be back in touch with the schools to let them know that the police are involved. I have spent my day crying. I have contacted WA again about putting ducks in line. To describe myself as heartbroken doesn't touch the sides.

Yesterday you said :

Today I told him I am thinking about having a conversation with the police

This is what I meant when I said you are telling him your plans.

Can you describe the reasons for your devastation? Not here if you don't want to, but to yourself? Perhaps sit down and write out your thoughts without editing, just let it flow...

Because I am confused that it is you that feels utterly devastated when it is not you who is the perp. Can you clarify why that is? Do you feel responsible for him somehow?

I am devastated that I got it so wrong. I am heartbroken to find myself repeating the cycle of my mum. I feel stupid that I didn't see it clearly before. I thought I knew better.

My husband does not know that I have been to the police. He said I was stupid to think of it. End of conversation.

I am completely alone. This is something I talked about with the police officer. We went through potential support and I am having to do things I hoped beyond hope I wouldn't have to do. It is a brave new world and full of uncertainty. I have been told that I will need to be big and strong. At the moment I feel very small and frightened.

You won't be completely alone when you get to the Freedom Programme. And the women there represent the tip of the iceburg: there are hoards of us.

So what you've repeated the pattern? You may just as well have inherited asthma. In many ways it is inevitable - it's what you do with it that matters. Both for you and your kids. Really, don't take this personally - life does its thing and we have to roll with the punches. Shit happens, basically. Xx

That telling him you were thinking of going to the police? That was the moment he could have killed you. Go carefully op.

I just got the information today. I have spoken to the bank and am hoping WA phone back soon. My old contact seems to have vanished. Thank you for your kind words springydaffs. It is a lot to take on board. I went to the police as I just didn't know what else to do. It is incredibly difficult to articulate. I do not know in full our financial situation apart from we spend more money than we have and my husband is building up debt. It has always been so, since we first met. For a long time I thought this was ok, as I tend to spend as little as possible and live on a shoestring. I would probably be happy living in a shed.

A few things seem to be slotting into place, at least for now. I am going to a Womens' Centre next week to find out more about how to keep safe, the police are on side, I have spoken to the school. And of course my husband is behaving as though nothing has happened. I have booked an appointment with a therapist who at least has met my husband so knows who I am talking about. I have made an appointment with the gp. Today has been shit, but maybe not quite as bad as yesterday. I can't play my music when I feel like this which makes me feel really sad. I told my music teacher. The whole thing has taken my breath away. Literally.

oh well done. You're putting one foot in front of the other - which is the best, and only, thing you can do now. And you're doing it - well done.

This horrible, confused, jangly time will pass. It is intense at the time but it passes. With me it was about 3 weeks. Some don't get this; some do but for longer/shorter.

Hold on. This will pass. Keep doing what you're doing - except don't tell him anything. If you can at all manage it, be bland - not nice, not nasty. He will probably sense you are up to something - abusers have an acute antennae - but present a pleasant, untroubled front. If you can xx

Abusers can also be astonishingly stupid ime. Capitalise on that, lovely.

When does your Freedom Programme course start?

Keep going, you're doing well and things are falling into place for you.

I'm going to the Womens' centre next week to talk to someone. I may be able to the FP this year. Otherwise early next year. I have also mentioned to the mum of dc's friend who will put me in touch with a solicitor. It is all pretty grim, and although I am no longer depressed and my eating is fine, I still suffer from the effects of my dad's bullying. I was pretty furious with my husband this morning and told him to get out the house. Thank you Springy. It really does feel horrible and jangly and confusing. My husband went to see his grown up daughter today. I fear she is in an uncomfortable bullying relationship. We live in denial for so long. My mum thought that my dad was less bad than his brother and therefore ok. It was never ok and I longed for my parents to separate. I really hope the children will be ok about it all. I guess it really matters that I grow up, and have to put the past firmly behind me. That's another difficult part. I have spoken to MH services where we live and they brought me to tears and then told me, no they can't help with abuse.

OP.

Might I just say that MH issues are no excuse for cruelty? My DH is bi-polar. We have been through some incredibly tough times, but he's never resorted to cruelty to those that he loves, even in his darkest hours.

And neither should your DH.

I hope you are ok love. You are taking steps to change your situation and make a better future for you and your DC.

You are so right, Needastrongone. I worry that I am not kind enough to myself. I still absolutely struggle with that. I've written it. I feel like that monkey who just wanted to be loved but was abused but let it go on because it wanted to feel wanted however it came.

See how strong you are? See how you are facing your problems and actively searching for solutions? I call that being awesome.

Thank you pallasathena. I don't feel at all big or strong. I am just another example of how long the thing grinds on before the penny starts to drop. I'm not out of the woods by a long stretch. It's really hard for the children. Today I said, lets just go to the shop and buy hot chocolate and icecream because it's been a crap day. The unspeakable has marched out 3 times this week slamming doors and cursing. He is not threatening me directly but it's not good for anyone. Oddly I remember him telling me when I first knew him that he used to storm out. What kind of bloody blindfold was I wearing? I think he cannot remember what he says. He is a bad man.

Next year?! Next week would be better.

Find a Freedom Programme near you , contact them, start going. It is a rolling 12-week programme and you can pick it up at any time. You can come and go if you have other commitments - but DO make it a priority above everything else if possible.

It's the very BEST thing you can do for yourself now xx