The grim acceptance and sadness that my husband is horrible to me....

[EasyToEatTiger]

Where did it all go wrong? It seems that throughout our relationship my husband has had real hints of nastiness. He punched me nearly 20 years ago because I didn't share his point of view. I have felt often as though I have been around to cook, clean and fuck. Today he said he wished I were dead. Of course everything is my fault. We have 2 gorgeous dcs. My husband has always had a habit of picking on someone to vent. Before me it was a dog. I am feeling very sad and vulnerable. He said he would prefer to live alone and I agreed. I am certainly not perfect but I don't expect to be told emphatically that I am an abject failure who has never had a proper job and I'm useless and I don't look after my family. He used to criticise me heavily and tell me I should be able to take criticism. I said it was not helpful. Anyway, he didn't agree. I am painting a picture of a monster, which is not entirely accurate. I saw his behaviour today as that of a frightened child.

I have the FP books and the contacts. I will find out this week when I can join. I have an appointment at the womens' centre this week and will keep you posted. Thank you for all your hand-holding. It is much needed and appreciated. You are so right about the awful jangliness and confusion. It's not easy. It's not easy either to realise the grim truth of the situation. It is not easy to take in that my husband's behaviour has always been like this and that I have been so wrong for so many years. Again I am in the position of having to strip away all the things I thought were normal and find a different way of living. There is no 'give' in my husband and he is fine if he is in control and doing all the taking.

Believe it or not, sometimes a major life change, tho difficult at the time, can herald a new life on the right tracks. With hindsight we are extremely glad it happened and recognise we were travelling up a dead end prior to the brutal about-face.

All your work won't come to nothing btw. I sometimes wonder if we have to actually experience something to truly get it; that theory isn't enough.

I appreciate you're all over the place at the mo - perfectly understandable - but it does seem you're taking all this too personally, as though his behaviour is a direct reflection on you and your innate worth. I have to say this is skewed thinking - which is no doubt making you feel x100 times worse.

Let's put everything where it belongs: he is responsible for his behaviour, not you. Trust and hope are essential for any and all relationships to launch ; he abused your trust which isn't your fault. You were the healthy one in the relationship.

I honestly feel this past week that I have had the breath and the sense punched out of me. I have been filling the void with fags and wine. It feels like shit. Please, please that it gets better!

Yes it does get better.

I literally shook like I was coming off a drug - literal withdrawals. I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't have been surprised if my hair stood on end like a nutty professor. It was like I was plugged into a socket.

Anyway, it passed. The storm passed.

Maybe find a peaceful centre and hole up there while the storm rages. You have to let go of taking responsibility for this - just drop it. It will drag you around so let go. Something's happening, just let it happen.

Try to eat regularly and properly, even if it isn't much. Shit food will make you feel shit and you can't afford that now. Ditto alcohol, big time. Try and move eg walk /run around the block. Or something more strenuous? That releases the good stuff into your system and you need everything you can get at the mo.

Have you contacted FP yet?

It'll make all the difference.

I start the FP this time next week. I have had far too much fags and wine lately. And yes, it makes me feel like mega-crap. So, for the past few days at least, the wine has either gone or cut to a glass or 2 and the fags have been replaced. Today I exchanged words with my husband. I said that I could only discuss our future with a 3rd party involved. He wants to discuss things away from the house. This, to me implies that he has perfectly good control of his temper and chooses where and with whom to lose it. He is threatening to take the children and says that they can choose where they want to live. My husband's previous marriage was a wreckage a long time before I met him and he'd been playing away for years.

He looked after the dcs for a month when I was in hospital. He fed and clothed them and got them to and from school. Their clothes were grubby and the house was pretty filthy, but they were otherwise ok.

Were I to lose the children, I fear they would not see any family, they would be isolated and my husband would eventually turn on one of them. My husband is barely in touch with his grown-up children and vice-versa.

He is threatening to take the children and says that they can choose where they want to live.

Abusers always say this, and it's usually a hollow threat, simply intended to put you back in your place and keep you to afraid to leave.

How old are your DC?

Keep/write an account of incidents re him (this thread could eg be added to the bundle)

Quietly overjoyed you're starting the FP. As I would be, I've gone on so much...

10 and 12.

It is clear in my mind why he wants the children. It is because he is retired and wants the lion's share of our assets. Yes, the whole thing does make my hair stand on end!

Today he told me that he would never touch me again when I told him that is not sign of pleasure to be curled up in a tight ball clinging to the side of my bed. My husband seems to have this immense sense of entitlement: He is entitled to a job, a loan, money, children, a house, sex on demand, a wife (not necessarily the same person). He has told me that he is going to see his gp next week. I am going tomorrow. I don't want to fight over our different attitudes. It is not worth getting het up about when in his mind I am only going to be in the wrong.
I also said I believed him when he said he wanted me dead and that he hated my family. He said don't be so stupid. I said I would believe him too if he were saying kind things. He often says he feels suicidal and that it's all my fault. His unhappiness in his previous marriage was all his wife's fault too. The horrible thing about abuse is that it accumulates. It doesn't go away.

Feel so sad for you but pleased you have taken the bull by the horns and seeking help.
I'm sure you will go through it. Please do go through it.

My exh wasn't quite in the same category but he was a stormer and a bully ...but done so subtly that I often didn't notice...and of course he could be lovely otherwise I'd have run for the hills.
It's only when it's all over that you realise how it eats away at you but and hit and that you weren't the best person you could have been.

I'm glad you're cutting back on the wine and fags. You never know if they get a little hit of satisfaction ..as in hmm, she hitting the wine and fags again..after they've had a particularly nasty bout of unpleasantness.

If my exh started to shout..I'd just remove myself from his presence. I wasn't going to let him wipe his anger all over me.
No doubt at that point if he felt he couldn't contain his anger he'd storm out till he cooled down
Once I realised I didn't have to play the part of his whipping boy things were a lot more manageable.

Good luck . I'm so pleased you have sought help. Once my exh left, I had the FREEDOM to have a blast...and I did.

You said 'we live in denial for so long' EasyToEatTiger. Yes, we really, really do. Don't use that as another reason to beat yourself up though. I wish you the best of luck. You are not responsible for any of his 'stuff'. So just try (and I don't say this lightly as I know, believe me, how hard this is) to trust yourself, your instincts, your stuff. People leave marriages for a variety of reasons, you sound like you need to run, very fast, away from yours.

It still feels as though I have crushed by a steamroller with my finger attached to an electrical socket.

Yes. That will pass, especially as you learn more.

Btw I went to [[C oDA after I left him. You may like to give that a look.

, www.coda-uk.org

Hello Easy, I read your posts and thought I was reading about myself. Your H sounds very very similar to my ex-h. When he left me for somebody else, I was distraught and thought I had lost this wonderful man. It has taken me 3 years, endless counselling and help to realise that I was living in a largely negative and abusive relationship. Not physically particularly, but there were very very many incidents of what I now know was abuse. I realise what a massive favour he did for me and my children by leaving. I also believe my ex has MH issues and most definitely undiagnosed autism/ADHD. He is the master of presenting himself in whatever "light" suits his circumstances, almost like a chameleon. I can't say I wasn't warned, like you, I thought I could help him, set him on a good path and I did for a very very long time. Like you, he has said some horrific things to me, done some horrific things and his treatment of the children and I during divorce was inhumane. Frankly OW (who seems to thinks he has the prize of the century) is welcome to him. I just feel sorry for her DS as he is vulnerable and I know how much damage has been done to my own children by ex-h. I think it's important not to blame yourself, as Springy also reassured you with such eloquence. People like these men are like an insidious disease, the behaviour creeps up. The cheating, the gaslighting. You don't realise while you're "in" it and of course you learn to live with it.

All the steps you are taking are brave and positive. Do not listen to what he says in terms of finances, children, that isn't up to him. There are laws in place to deal with those issues. The Police, in my experience, have been fantastic. Women's Aid you are already in touch with. Freedom Programme a must. I would also suggest keeping a log or diary of behaviour. It's easy to forget things especially when you are dealing with such an emotional maelstrom.

I promise you from the bottom of my heart, you get through it. I promise that life gets better. I promise that the relief you will eventually feel will far outweigh the horrific situation you currently find yourself in. Good luck! You can do this!

Yo MrsC

^^ a star of epic proportions. Who endured an horrific fallout during her divorce. I've heard some stories but hers broke all records.

Not that there are grades here I guess. It's mighty hellish at the time for all of us. But IT PASSES. And the peace after the storm is something else. Almost worth it...

Springy...Waves!! . I hope you are well my darling! Bless you for your kind words. Things remain difficult, but I am much much stronger these days!

You're right though, it does pass...you might come out a bit battered and scarred but life, as you and I both know, is better for it. War wounds we can live with!

One baby step at a time. My husband has agreed at least that we ought to live separately. Exactly how it will pan out is going to be tricky. I have been wondering how he would feel if his adult (married) daughter told him that she didn't know what to do because her husband had called her a useless cunt, repeatedly as though he meant it. Would my husband say, oh yes, that's the kind of thing I call my wife. Get over it. I wonder how he would feel if one of his sons were prosecuted for domestic abuse? I have long been saying that we don't see ourselves. My husband is utterly blind to himself.

If this piece of shit hates you so much, and would prefer to live alone , why hasn't he left?

Esoteric probably because he enjoys it. Men like this don't change, they love the control they have, they love that they can just walk all over you. Totally disordered personalities.

Easy, yes they are blind to it. I do, however, think that they truly believe that they are in the right and you are an awful person. It's pure projection. I may PM you my threads and you'll see what I mean (although I stopped posting as ex and OW discovered them!). I can only imagine my ex's incredulous reaction if somebody did this to our DC. Yet, somehow, was happy to do it to me. They are wired incorrectly IMO. You can't help somebody unwilling to help themselves and the only thing you can do is escape it as best you can. Do you think your ex is cheating? I only ask this as I can now, in my case, identify periods of escalation of behaviour that I now know coincided with an affair. He would also regularly accuse me of cheating on him even though I was 100% faithful throughout our 15 years together. Lots of dramatic walking out, disappearing, threats of suicide, oh I could go on and on. Looking back, I have no idea why I put up with it for so long...

Every now and again he storms out slamming doors screaming merry hell at me and demanding a divorce. He's a parasite. Really I think he truly is. I have looked at the CODA website before as my dad is co-dependent. I certainly don't put myself above it. We currently live in the middle of bloody nowhere, miles away from useful things.
I expect the reason he hasn't left is because he would no longer be in control. He has to be in control. He said (ha ha ha) that he didn't mean what he said and that he said horrible things in the heat of the moment. Sadly the heat of the moment is only ever horrible. It has only ever been horrilbe. What kind of idiot am I to stay here? Yes, I bet this is co-dependency. The horror unfolds yet more bitter truths.

I wondered if he could have someone else, but I think it's unlikely. He cheated repeatedly on his first wife. I really don't know why or how she put up with it for so long. My husband has spent very very little of his adult life without his mother or some woman. He loathed his mother and he rarely speaks to his sister. His conversations with his family are very general. His daughter had the same things to say to him that she told him nearly a year ago. Anyway I have my own problems to sort out. I have come a long, long way. Just not as far as I had thought or hoped. The trouble with shitty behaviour is that it accumulates. You can't rub it out and pretend it didn't happen.

Honestly Easy, this is like reading about my own (previous) life, it really is. Frightening indeed. I had a conversation with a relative of my ex-h recently who told me that he'd said "nobody in the family means anything to me". What an odd thing to say! Nobody means anything to him but him and your quote spent very little of his life without his mother or some woman, I could have written that myself about my ex-h. He hasn't been single since he was in his mid teens, I kid you not. One relationship to the next...walked out of this one after 15 years and moved immediately in with OW who he claimed he'd only bumped into two weeks previously (she was a new widow, when I say new, a few months). Utterly bizarre behaviour. Unfortunately, we just don't see these things until there is a massive catalyst or epiphany which you have clearly had. Your strength screams out from the page, even if you don't realise it. You will work through it, I promise

With the help of wine. Last night I drank too much wine. I must have felt sort of ok as when I feel awful awful awful, I can't drink at all, which is no bad thing. Again, all these things start screaming out at me. When I really need to keep my wits about me I don't drink. I must have been keeping my head firmly in the sand for a long time. AAAAAAAAgggggghhhhhhh