I really need some help.
I'm 30 and the last two years I have begun to wonder what the hell my parents were doing when I was a child. I don't know how to write this briefly and inevitably things will be missed out, and I'm crying as I type so it's probably not going to be well written!
I always thought my parents were good parents, whatever that meant. I was very insecure as a child and always felt in my younger sister's shadow. She was very bright academically and was into all sorts of extra curricular things that took up a lot of time. She loved hockey and we'd always have family trips at the weekend to watch her play. I don't know if it's helpful to list certain incidents that I've begun to remember, but here are a few... when I was 14 my parents left me alone for 10 days while working at the village pub, to take my sister on a hockey tour. Any time it's been mentioned since they've said 'oh helloyou wouldn't come she wanted to stay at home, we begged her to come!' Looking back now I think that was utterly ridiculous... I was 14, and the reason I didn't want to go was because quite frankly it was a boring week, and I felt left out. These days they will joke about how jealous I was, which is funny because I don't really remember much jealousy as much as I remember feeling very lonely and the odd one out. I was always very proud of my sister and have never resented her.
I have many many increasing memories of being hit, dragged by the hair and covered in bruises. My earliest memory of this is age 8, when I'm told I was particularly difficult. I think I was difficult, I know I used to never go to bed when I was told to and I would cry a lot because I was worried about school. I think I was most unhappy age 8, looking back.
Throughout my childhood I was told I was going to cause my parents to break up. We had so many rows that perhaps that was true, but now I'm an adult I find that a strange thing to say to your own child.
One Christmas after we had opened presents, my parents bought in an extra gift for my sister, after we had all finished opening things, and said it was because she had been good and I hadn't... I was confused and didn't understand why they hadn't mentioned this before Christmas as I wasn't even sure what they were referring to.
Fast forward to now and I feel very lonely around my family. I get on with my sister except when she is with the family, where we do get on but not as well. Recently the main friction has been that apparently I have been putting my sister down because I make out my job is more important than hers... I earn more money than she does and my career is competitive, but I've never once showed off about that, I don't think it's something to show off about?! Last weekend I said I had to leave a bit early (i.e. Before 6pm) as I needed to get back to finish some work for the next day, and I was told I was 'being special' and trying to put my sister down as she recently went down to part time due to not enough work in her industry. It was the first weekend I had spent with my family for weeks and I feel disappointed that there has to be all this drama.
I feel like I am some sort of nightmare person. I've always had anxiety and I am quite intense and full on about life, but I have good friends and I live a quiet life.
I feel broken tonight. I will never be what they want and actually I'm the opposite, they don't have anything in common with me. Can anyone relate to this or am I being dramatic? Brutally honest opinions really welcome!!!!