My relationship with my family, I don't know what to do

[Helloyou4]

I really need some help.

I'm 30 and the last two years I have begun to wonder what the hell my parents were doing when I was a child. I don't know how to write this briefly and inevitably things will be missed out, and I'm crying as I type so it's probably not going to be well written!

I always thought my parents were good parents, whatever that meant. I was very insecure as a child and always felt in my younger sister's shadow. She was very bright academically and was into all sorts of extra curricular things that took up a lot of time. She loved hockey and we'd always have family trips at the weekend to watch her play. I don't know if it's helpful to list certain incidents that I've begun to remember, but here are a few... when I was 14 my parents left me alone for 10 days while working at the village pub, to take my sister on a hockey tour. Any time it's been mentioned since they've said 'oh helloyou wouldn't come she wanted to stay at home, we begged her to come!' Looking back now I think that was utterly ridiculous... I was 14, and the reason I didn't want to go was because quite frankly it was a boring week, and I felt left out. These days they will joke about how jealous I was, which is funny because I don't really remember much jealousy as much as I remember feeling very lonely and the odd one out. I was always very proud of my sister and have never resented her.

I have many many increasing memories of being hit, dragged by the hair and covered in bruises. My earliest memory of this is age 8, when I'm told I was particularly difficult. I think I was difficult, I know I used to never go to bed when I was told to and I would cry a lot because I was worried about school. I think I was most unhappy age 8, looking back.

Throughout my childhood I was told I was going to cause my parents to break up. We had so many rows that perhaps that was true, but now I'm an adult I find that a strange thing to say to your own child.

One Christmas after we had opened presents, my parents bought in an extra gift for my sister, after we had all finished opening things, and said it was because she had been good and I hadn't... I was confused and didn't understand why they hadn't mentioned this before Christmas as I wasn't even sure what they were referring to.

Fast forward to now and I feel very lonely around my family. I get on with my sister except when she is with the family, where we do get on but not as well. Recently the main friction has been that apparently I have been putting my sister down because I make out my job is more important than hers... I earn more money than she does and my career is competitive, but I've never once showed off about that, I don't think it's something to show off about?! Last weekend I said I had to leave a bit early (i.e. Before 6pm) as I needed to get back to finish some work for the next day, and I was told I was 'being special' and trying to put my sister down as she recently went down to part time due to not enough work in her industry. It was the first weekend I had spent with my family for weeks and I feel disappointed that there has to be all this drama.

I feel like I am some sort of nightmare person. I've always had anxiety and I am quite intense and full on about life, but I have good friends and I live a quiet life.

I feel broken tonight. I will never be what they want and actually I'm the opposite, they don't have anything in common with me. Can anyone relate to this or am I being dramatic? Brutally honest opinions really welcome!!!!

Lovely, my mum is very like yours, just turned on me when my son was born, which was a shock. It doesn't help that I also had regular panic attacks then and didn't know about hers, so thought it was my bad parenting

OP your parents must be so disappointed, they invested all that time & effort in your younger sister & now you are the one who is doing better. They are trying to bring you down at every turn & you need to put an end to it. I sense that you don't feel strong enough to stand up to them but you could do this by taking small steps & having a few strategies in place. Walk out at every negative remark, have somewhere else to go, people to see. The weird comment was spiteful & you need to call her on it as & when she says these things. Ask her why she feels the need to make horrible spiteful remarks to you, ask her if she is jealous?

The home alone at 14 was neglect.

See a counsellor if you can get one. The counsellor will confirm it is them & not you.

It's tough... but very positive that things have improved, you should be proud of that.

I feel I struggled with my childhood, I live in the shadow of my sister as she chose to live near my parents (now divorced) and I live away. I suffer anxiety and I often feel my sister thinks she is better than me as she has had no problems. She often tries to tell me 'home truths' the most recent being that she didn't know how my friends put up with me they must have to bite their tongue around me. I have lovely friends and I focus on that. If my sister shouts at me my mum will back her up even when she is clearly in the wrong. It's hard but ive accepted I will live my own life and when I get criticism I now stand up for myself and tell them instead of letting it hurt me

"OP your parents must be so disappointed, they invested all that time & effort in your younger sister & now you are the one who is doing better."

What on earth makes you think you can assume that is what they think?
This is unwise and simplistic.

Please reduce contact. Only allow it if you must when you feel strong.
If you were jealous of your sister that would be normal they seem to have been favouring her.
It's not you it is them.
Your sister will remember a very different childhood, but they may have damaged her just as much.
I'd suggest the Stately Homes thread and some counselling, and low/non contact. You can't win, so stop taking part in the race.

I would think about why they feel you "need to hear some home truths". It seems unlikely that they are saying these things from a place of love where they think you'll be able to use these things to make your life better for you. (as an aside, the fact they have the gall to say "home truths" when it sounds like theyve never given you a home at all is a whole other issue)

Sounds far more likely that they see you being successful and confident in your career and see that as being "uppity" because your role is to be the small sad whipping-boy trailing around, wishing you were your sister.

Well, quite frankly - stuff all of them and the horses they rode in on. You've done epically well to make a life for yourself with that upbringing, and having a pretty successful career on top of that is even more impressive. You've come this far by ignoring everything they tried to turn you into, may as well continue with that!

I agree with everything Stormtreader says. And totally identify with it. This is exactly what my mum is doing when she calls round the family saying things like: "we need to stop Lovely being so hard, so cruel" etc, it's what she did when I outshone other family members in various inconvenient ways - her attempts at rebranding my successes as failures are family legend, it's all about jealousy borne of low self-esteem and her own failures in parenting.

And yet..... and yet there she is.... the person who jumped on the train when I went into early labour.... the person who would lay down her life for my children.... the person of whose mothering I do have some happy memories .....

is the key to be able to see our failed parents as failed people and then we get to choose if we want to pity, despise or just keep well away?

I just called her and she said "it makes such a difference to me and dad hearing from you" and I'm glad I'm not NC.

OP you have my every sympathy. It is really hard. I have a difficult family, abusive to one another and to me when they want to off load. I think I am way more anxious than I would have been if I had been brought up in a different family. At least you have noticed their pattern of behaviour and you can now take evasive action. You are in control now.

lovelyideas,

re your comment:-
"And yet..... and yet there she is.... the person who jumped on the train when I went into early labour.... the person who would lay down her life for my children.... the person of whose mothering I do have some happy memories ....."

She did that because all that makes her look good in the eyes of others. The contradiction is hard for people to get their head around.

Generally speaking, abusive people are not horrible all the time; sometimes they can do a semblance of nice. However, the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one and it is all part of the abuse cycle. Some toxic people do try and use the children as a means of getting back at the what they see still as the "errant" offspring. They will actively try and steal the hearts and minds of these children.

I also think these people have had a lifetime to make a difference when it came to their now adult children. This also happened likely because they were treated abusively when they were children, its true that stuff like this can and does go down the generations. They never sought the necessary help but just continued with the same old patterns because its "easier" and its all they know.

Having your own boundaries if contact is maintained is vitally important. These must be maintained and strengthened as and when necessary.

Getting back to the OP I hope she can find a way forward.

"She did that because all that makes her look good in the eyes of others. The contradiction is hard for people to get their head around. "

that's where we disagree then I guess.....

But yes totally agree hope the OP can find a way forward and it takes years not months as I suspect all of us know.

Your parents have problems and they have and still are taking them out on you. The violent childhood, the cruelty at christmas, calling you weird etc. Your sister is also being used by them as the 'golden child'. It means she will never be independent of them and always measuring her success by their feelings. Also, she may one day try to cut loose and all hell will break out.

You cannot heal your parents. It's not your job to make them happy - it never was. They put that on you and used you to make themselves feel better. Sadly, the pnly thing you can do is reduce your contact right down as they will never change.

You would do well to get therapy or talk to a group. The 'stately homes' thread is brilliant because you'll see there are loads of us and many have oddly similar experiences with parents like yours.

I guess the other thing for me is that my mum has changed. A bit. But that little bit means a lot to me.

Just little things....

"apparently I have extreme anxiety" (she would never have admitted this in the past)
"your brother's probably right, we probably should have had a dog to stop us arguing so much" (things looked up for her and dad when we left and they got a dog)

tiny tiny little journeys towards tiny insights.

it's all very sad isn't it? wasted lives.

Thank you so much for the replies! It helps so much to hear views. I understand where stop is coming from and maybe going no contact would be even harder.

My mum has messaged me today asking about me and saying she loves me. Feels strange after the horrible row last night on the phone. I don't really trust how she feels as whenever I speak up about anything she completely lays into me... which makes me wonder if she thinks all these bad things all the time and just pretends with texts like the one she sent earlier...

All such a head fuck.

Sadly this doesnt surprise me - she's put you back in your place, and is now making sure that you stay around in your role instead of saying "you know what, Im not taking this any more, buh-bye".

What would happen if you replied with something like "I find that hard to believe after all the abuse you and sister gave me last night. You hurt me and I dont think I'm ready to talk to you right now."

I suspect youd be accused of "overreacting" or having "anger issues" or "youve upset your mother!" because you havent glossed over it all and just taken it quietly like they wanted, yes?

OP I understand the push-me, pull-you relationship that you have with your parents as I'm the same with mine. I'm low contact because I got fed up with being blamed for the ills of the universe among much else.

I've read toxic parents by Susan Forward but I preferred 'If You Had Controlling Parents' by Dan Neuharth. His writing style appealled to me more.

Gosh Neuharth's book looks excellent Hands. I'm going to buy it - I recognise a lot of what he points out (unfortunately). Thank you.

I'm one of the lucky people who have lovely parents and I can tell you, poor OP, that none of what you describe is OK. Good parents don't pull this sort of shit. Never. None of it.

That you are doing so well in life is a tribute to you and you alone. Feel proud. And please seek counselling. This sort of sorrow goes deep and hurts long. Get the help you need and, in the meantime, I'd go LC or NC. They don't deserve you.

Like others, I'm sure your family's recent increased hostility is because, by doing well, you challenge their belief that you are the defective child, the failure. Well done you.

Stormtreader you have it exactly right, that's the exact sort of response I would get!! And that's what makes me think, god my text is a bit harsh when she's just said nice things to me... and so it continues.

I actually begged her yesterday to just speak calmly and listen to each of our points of view, and instead of actually talking she just started saying 'oh I'm going now I can't be bothered with your drama I've got better things to do' which makes me feel stupid for even trying to sort it out with her.

Not speaking for days at a time has been so refreshing but I feel guilty about it. I know nobody is perfect and I'm certainty not, so I don't want to behave like I think I'm fantastic and she's terrible. So confusing.

Hi lovely.

Now that you have a child or children yourself, you must be able to see that you did nothing wrongg, that you were a child and they didn't treat you right and it seems like they're continuing.

I think go low contact too.

You are in FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt.
But those aren't good reasons for contact with your parents.

Hi Cricrichan,

Thanks, yes I do see that. An aunt pointed out to me about a dozen years ago that the obligations of parent-to-child and child-to- parent are not equal and opposite. That had genuinely never occurred to me! I remember organising many of my choices to try to make my mum happy up to that point. After that point I realised that was not my job. When I realised that mum started losing her negative powers.

I have been "low contact" since I was 18. I think that when a parent has so little insight into her mental health you have to be LC. But from a place of strength you can love and be loved.

"My mum has messaged me today asking about me and saying she loves me."

She probably does.

Sometimes with my mum I find controlling the different channels of communication is really helpful.

I remember at 18 calling home from Uni, staring at the pay phone handpiece and thinking that I had the power to put it down whenever I liked!

So I would reply to that text saying "thank you, me too" but do not apologise whatever you do.

"I'm going now I can't be bothered with your drama I've got better things to do' "

I read that response as a fear thing. Fear of you rejecting her because she knows you arguably have a right to.

Mothers like mine are very like toddlers. If positive healthy attention is scarce, they seek negative attention because they fear total withdrawal of attention.

You are in FOG, OP.

You have the right to withdraw, give yourself permission, don't wait for them to further reject you and tell you rubbish about your 'drama', which, btw, they have created by having you as scapegoat, your sister as golden child. They have clearly treated you as the less important child. There's no guilt in withdrawing from people such as your parents. If it makes you unhappy to visit them, don't.

It took me years to say no to my mother, but now I feel a hell of a lot better about this. I owe her nothing for the childhood I had. If you find it hard to go low communication or even none, take it at your own pace.

I would strongly suggest therapy: you seem to think this is your fault to some extent. It definitely isn't.