My relationship with my family, I don't know what to do

[Helloyou4]

I really need some help.

I'm 30 and the last two years I have begun to wonder what the hell my parents were doing when I was a child. I don't know how to write this briefly and inevitably things will be missed out, and I'm crying as I type so it's probably not going to be well written!

I always thought my parents were good parents, whatever that meant. I was very insecure as a child and always felt in my younger sister's shadow. She was very bright academically and was into all sorts of extra curricular things that took up a lot of time. She loved hockey and we'd always have family trips at the weekend to watch her play. I don't know if it's helpful to list certain incidents that I've begun to remember, but here are a few... when I was 14 my parents left me alone for 10 days while working at the village pub, to take my sister on a hockey tour. Any time it's been mentioned since they've said 'oh helloyou wouldn't come she wanted to stay at home, we begged her to come!' Looking back now I think that was utterly ridiculous... I was 14, and the reason I didn't want to go was because quite frankly it was a boring week, and I felt left out. These days they will joke about how jealous I was, which is funny because I don't really remember much jealousy as much as I remember feeling very lonely and the odd one out. I was always very proud of my sister and have never resented her.

I have many many increasing memories of being hit, dragged by the hair and covered in bruises. My earliest memory of this is age 8, when I'm told I was particularly difficult. I think I was difficult, I know I used to never go to bed when I was told to and I would cry a lot because I was worried about school. I think I was most unhappy age 8, looking back.

Throughout my childhood I was told I was going to cause my parents to break up. We had so many rows that perhaps that was true, but now I'm an adult I find that a strange thing to say to your own child.

One Christmas after we had opened presents, my parents bought in an extra gift for my sister, after we had all finished opening things, and said it was because she had been good and I hadn't... I was confused and didn't understand why they hadn't mentioned this before Christmas as I wasn't even sure what they were referring to.

Fast forward to now and I feel very lonely around my family. I get on with my sister except when she is with the family, where we do get on but not as well. Recently the main friction has been that apparently I have been putting my sister down because I make out my job is more important than hers... I earn more money than she does and my career is competitive, but I've never once showed off about that, I don't think it's something to show off about?! Last weekend I said I had to leave a bit early (i.e. Before 6pm) as I needed to get back to finish some work for the next day, and I was told I was 'being special' and trying to put my sister down as she recently went down to part time due to not enough work in her industry. It was the first weekend I had spent with my family for weeks and I feel disappointed that there has to be all this drama.

I feel like I am some sort of nightmare person. I've always had anxiety and I am quite intense and full on about life, but I have good friends and I live a quiet life.

I feel broken tonight. I will never be what they want and actually I'm the opposite, they don't have anything in common with me. Can anyone relate to this or am I being dramatic? Brutally honest opinions really welcome!!!!

Stop

Such abusive parents like the OP deserve no pity.

OP was but a child when all this started; all the fault here lies with the parents (who likely were treated appallingly by their own parents. Such familial dysfunction often goes down the generations). There is no excuse or justification for their actions.

Your parents failed you. You are a worthy person. You are important and should have been nurtured and guided and promoted the way your sister was. I know it is impossible to treat all children exactly the same, but your individuality should have been celebrated, not mocked and degraded.
That is a/the source of your anxiety, imho, and it isn't surprising any exposure to them triggers it. Step slowly away, do not make eye contact-sort of an analogy of distancing yourself from a beast.

Try reading John Bradshaw's books on Homecoming (there are several books) about working with the inner child. I thought it would have been a bunch of tosh but it did make sense when I finally sat down to read it.

There is physical detachment and also emotional detachment. If you can not bear to be no contact with them, then try for the emotional detachment. Stop caring. You (everyone has) have been brainwashed to care because it is family, but really, there is no law that binds you to it. Just stop. You probably know the drill anyway and can predict the dynamic before each encounter. Like a script. This is all about them and nothing to do with you. Same old same old...well, that train has run out of track, hasn't it? Just stop. No contact can be eased into over a period of time (I took maybe 4 years to cut my sister out). Just fade out.

You feel low because of your awful PARENTS!
Giving your sister an extra special present for being extra special or whatever. This sort of rejection has huge negative implications on young children, and it's abuse.
Like others have said protect yourself and go NC or certainly very LC.
I think counselling might be wise. I think it would be very painful but it would hopefully help you to start healing.
Lastly, it shows that you are a good and strong person, because for a lot of people this sort of upbringing would have created a huge wedge between you and your sister.
I remember your other thread as well :0(

Such abusive parents like the OP has really do deserve no pity.

OP have you posted before? Your story sounds familiar.

You haven't done anything wrong. It's them, not you.

"A bit like living in a family where parent/s have severe mental health problems (like my late mother), when you're always on shifting sand, you don't know if there is a truth you can rely on. "

What a great way of putting it. If only we had had this language at the time.

I don't really get the NC thing but I always believed my parents loved me, and they did/do so I feel more like the victim of their illness/awful marriage rather than the victim of them themselves Iyswim.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Pity lets you look at it as theirs problems, not yours.

I confess I feel the same about pity.

However, my parents abused each other, rather than me.different I guess.

About scapegoated, getting less positive attention etc - if OP wasn't diagnosed with anxiety, her behavior went as naughtiness, so she was ruled in with every possible means.
That's wrong to hit a child, but to give consequences by not giving extra present sounds ok.
And that's right that you are better with your friends than around your parents - you still wind up each other.

Home truths? I was told this by my SIL - her telling me I was rude was a total joke- she is the rudest, selfish narcissist I have ever met ! She seems to feel it is her place to tell everyone else about their faults when she is totally blind to her own. The words pot, kettle and black come to mind.

I am all for forgive and forget and put up with family foibles but your situation seems untenable. I would go NC for a while. Seems too stressful otherwise.
Take care

And leaving a 14 year old home alone for all that time? Sorry but that's just simple neglect...

Andthebandplayedon your post makes so much sense. Do you mind saying why you went NC with your sis?

PurpleAlerts She seems to feel it is her place to tell everyone else about their faults when she is totally blind to her own.

Yes, Purple, you've nailed it.

Stop would you please stop? The Christmas present thing here is not ok. If you can't be supportive jog on already.

stop you really are talking crap. Not true and not helpful.

stopwhateveruaredoing - would you please stop!

We have an 8yo cild, who is being held up to comparison with her brilliant sister, if she doesn't match up she is abused.
'It's ok to use an extra present as consequences? Even iff that were true, surely it would only be 'helpful' (hmm) if both parties were aware of the 'competition'? SHe wasn't.

And she wonders why she has anxiety....

OP - your parents are toxic. Cut ties as much as you can, and carry on with your very successful, happy life. If they think that makes your sister feel bad, tough. Maybe you could suggest that she should grow up and not be so attention seeking?

As for leaving you at 14 - words fail me. (My own sister did this with her dc, at age 14 and 15 - for 2 weeks on holiday in the Carribbean; kept in touch by FB! Just one of the reasons I am totally NC with her, and why her dc are totally fucked.)

OP - firstly, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Your childhood has caused you enormous harm.

The second thing I'm going to say is that (as PP have already mentioned) you post about this periodically. This is absolutely fine of course, you can ask for as much support as you want as often as you want on here. However, I'm concerned that you seem to be very much in the same place (the wording is almost identical to your previous posts) and I'm wondering if you really need some RL therapy to help you move forward.

Please do keep posting if it is helpful to you, but I'm worried that you maybe need more support than an internet forum can offer. Is this possible?

From my own experience it's crapish to suddenly start to believe at 30 that the parents you love and would like to be loved by, are vile creatures.
It did me no good, and I personally found it better for me to understand their struggles and limitations, pity them and forgive.

Stop,

I get that a simplistic narrative of "toxic", "no contact" etc can seem unhelpful.

I have posted here before about my parents and have been hit by that narrative so I have withdrawn.

I suppose though that urging pity and forgiveness could be equally simplistic though, depending on circumstances. I think pity/forgiveness has to come from a place of strength?

Lovely, I think it's important to keep in mind this option. It's up to OP to choose what's better, but if she can't let go of the situation, it seems the forgiveness could come easier for her.

I agree Stop.

I don't think your "opponents" on this thread made a simplistic choice either. Nobody wants to cut off contact with their parents.

I do think there can be a tendency, once you've reached a place of stability, to urge others along the same path, with the best of intentions.

I would be interested to hear a bit more about your family and where you are now Stop.

To the OP, sorry for the hijack. I think we're just saying there are many steps in these journeys and they don't all lead to the same place.

Just wanted to let you know we're keeping an eye on this thread and do believe all posters are genuine and their advice is coming from a good place. especially to the OP!

Lovely, my mum was a single parent earning barely enough for us to eat. I was not that easy refusing to do any homework, talking back etc, so she coped by withdrawing herself emotionally after a couple of nasty episodes. Now we are more close, but take pause when getting on each other's nerves

Sorry, OP!!!! reread your post... Covered in bruises? Wtf! I must have been insane...

thanks stop xx

my mum suffers from a lifelong severe anxiety disorder but has never been diagnosed. Of course, "diagnosis" for most of her 72 years was full of bad and harmful practices so I'm not for a moment saying diagnosis would have fixed her.

Mum had terribly low self esteem and a sort of internalised misogyny. She therefore married a man (my dad) who was (or could have been) great on his own terms but who couldn't be the fantasty figure she unwisely yearned for. Unsurprisingly, their marriage ranged from crap to middling.

My mum did the opposite of your mum but it's two sides of the same coin. She "invaded" every aspect of our lives with her anxiety and negativity. Everying could be a crisis, everything was really about feeding the monster that is her mental health condition. We were fodder for anxiety. However, like your mum, her actions spoke differently to her words. She put bread on the table.

It's hard to forgive. Sometimes mum turns on me (a bit like the phone calls from the OP's mum) and tries to turn the rest of the family against me but the older I get the more I know it's not really about me. She's confused by my better life. Having no self-esteem herself, and having internalised misogyny, she struggles to esteem her daughter.

When I tell people stories about some of the things that went on (which were pretty bad sometimes by any standards) they are very shocked and/or tell me to cut off contact but for me that isn't an option.

As she has got older and weaker it's got much easier because she can't physically follow me and get me any more. I'm also happily married so I have someone to turn to IYSWIM. The power has therefore shifted and somewhere she does, I think, appreciate that I'm up for supporting her not seeking revenge.

Not everything was black. There were moments of happiness, though perhaps rarely of relaxation. The hypervigilance which is her legacy is useful at work....

Life is complex. Sometimes we are parented by damaged people. For me it helps to get to a place where I can see that her attacks on me are really about her. I have obviously had to reduce contact (she's not easy to spend time with!) but cutting off contact would not have helped at all.

I think that's the difference Stop. Our families were dysfunctional because there were monsters in them (poverty, mental health, etc). But it does seem that sometimes the OP's parents turned on the child and blamed the child....... so it would take a lot longer to get to a place of compassion