Husband says I am too dependant on him.

[redmumbec]

I believe my husband to be an emotional abuser. Many times I have felt like his behaviour is fundamentally unfair and feels like, essentially, in our little world he has denied me my basic rights as a human being! Love, support, consideration, intimacy( said once he controls me through sex), kindness, reassurance. The relationship is fundamentally wrong. He must not love me, I must not be good enough for him. It hurts.

We have three kids and are currently living with my Fil due to debt problems. A few things he has done to give you an idea, the worst was when our first child was a born, he went out the night after got totally pissed and forget to turn up at the hospital, brought back random people to our home. I had had a PPH and baby was unwell. I felt so betrayed. I should have left then. 3rd child  he says he cant stay off to help get the kids to school ( I physically couldn’t do it) he was annoyed and just walked off out the door and later says ‘I don't like being responsible for you) Lots more I cant go into it all its been years worth. I just don't know how some came be so cold, I wouldn't do that to a stranger never mind a partner. 

Most recently, I feel his emotional abuse has changed tact, and he has now starter to criticise my parenting. I felt one particular incident he was micro managing my every move and i couldn't do anything right. He has never done this before, his nastiness has always been in response to me assenting myself when it came to demanding respect as a woman/partner in our personal relationship. I feel like it has changed and it makes me sick. Another was he didn't like the food I was giving them, but he didn't just say he implied that I was unfit to look after them.   

The other incident was when I was 10 mins late to pick up the kids, we have moved away from family about 2 hrs on public transport, I was getting a lift for the first bit of the journey, and bus for the rest, I had left about 45 mins to get to school. i would have just make it with 15mins to walk down to the school but bus was late. so I had 5 mins or so to walk down, I would have been about 5 mins late but was I was rushing and haven't took my anxiety meds, I started to get painful palpitations. I have PSVT (heart arrhythmia) and while its not dangerous its very scary and that with the feeling I am going to be late and let the kids down was awful. Anyway I phoned school to say I was going to be late. I walked slowly as I was getting constant palps, I made it. 

Had a sit down. Was fine, just shaken up. I had phoned husband loads to see if he was home soon, he has all different working hours. Couldn't get into touch, but he was home soon after. So he's asking are you ok now, then started questing me as to why I was late, pulling faces and rising eyebrows and saying it wouldn't have happened if I had have planned things better and its was my fault basically. So cold and heartless. I didn't want anything just not to be blamed when i already feel like crap for being late and making the kids worry about me ( I am so proud of them though, they were sweet saying ‘you should sit down Mum!’ I feel so proud of them as they are so loving and kind to people)

So I was really upset as I just felt like i was still in panic mode and was getting a kicking when I was already down. He later said he was only thinking about the kids and how it would look to the staff that I was later and that we might get reported( he said that this was because of something I had said, that might have implied the staff were judging me) I just thought it was a bit sly to set all that whizzing round my head. 

And last night when i was demanding to be treated like a human and not be spoke to and treated like an insignificant worthless piece of shit you cant get rid of, his major problem and response was that I am to dependant on him. I just want to live with out being picked on and have a basic level of support as a partner. I am asking too much, I am a hassle. So thats it, I feel so insulted, as i supported him to leave his job out of the blue 5 weeks after having out last child, the second time he's quit and yet I am too dependant on him so he's washed his hand off me. Doesn't care if we are together or not, he's happy to stay together, I assume this will mean me shutting the fuck up and getting on with it just swallowing his shit. So really I need to decide what I need to do. My kids are the most important thing to me.

It really gets to me as well that as part of his job he works delivering bullying/domestic violence workshops, it really make me angry. He even said of one of the domestic violence courses ‘yeah a lot of it was too close to home’ So he knows what he's doing. Yet he will selectively forget all this say I am unreasonably. crazy, demanding.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks everyone for being so kind, I honestly wouldn't have anyone to talk through this all stuff with. Thanks for standing up for me as well, I shouldn't even address the stupid BLUNT but whilst I am obviously canvassing for opinions I am not willing to be told IABU, as its my own personal feelings about my own life/situation. I has hoping to hear from people who understand/who have been through this/ get the effects/ and are hopefully happy and renewed on the other side (Damelo x) Although I am so used to having my feelings invalidated when I read your post BLUNT I thought 'Oh shit, yeah, it is all my fault, I am a weak, pathetic cow, I should go and apologise to him'. I am so grateful for the support and advice.

Sorry I wasn't clear, i was visiting my Mum, its not a two hour commute, thank god.

And Sheldon, no I don't ever really ring or text him at work, I am busy, he had finished work and was on the way home, he could have been closer to the school than me, he could have got them the train station is close. I was thinking at that point if I would have to go to hospital. I have treatment in the past for PSVT, if I would have been dizzy out of breath I would have had to ring an ambulance, i and my baby with me too.

It sounds like you will be happier alone to me. It also sounds like you have started to believe the crap he is telling you. Don't. He sounds like a self righteous nob. If you are considering being on your own then let me tell you it's so much easier. Big hug xxx

Ignore people like blunt OP, I'm assuming either this person is a troll or so lacking in their own self esteem and self-worth that they think it's acceptable for a man to go out on the lash the day after his child is born. Simply put your husband doesn't respect you and it's now up to you to decide what to do about it

Ok, let's address this. Sigh.

Calling me "stupid" is simply childish. Firstly, you are sadly in debt, you don't have your own home, you get palpatations at the thought of being ten mins late for school pick up, even though uou had already told the school, you called your husband "loads" during it and it's a significant enough event that you mention it on here. For many of us being late for the school run does not require multiple calls to our husband or cause undue stress. I'm sorry it doesn't , so this tells me you are struggling with the day to day.

I've no doubt he's an arse, but my question is a realistic one. You ask what can you do, but the question remains, although it's bad now, could you realistically cope on uour own? Would it be worse on uour own? Because uou will need to deal with a lot worse than being late for the school run. Being a single parent is difficult, very. And could uour own anxiety be leading uou to possibly over dramatise things like how you reacted to being a few mins late for school collection.

I get uou don't want to hear that, so fine, but for me it was a valid point for uou to think about. It wasn't an attack. Maybe it was too blunt and I apologise for that. If it was me, and I have struggled with anxiety on the past, although more work related, it is something I would think through, in terms of my own behaviour/. Coping ability and possibly what is the lesser of two evils with a longer term plan to get control and well again.

Bluntness have you considered that living with a man who constantly belittles you, who makes you doubt your every thought, and makes it so you live your life treading on eggshells, could cause anxiety?

Yes, of course, I'm fully aware of what may have caused her to be like this, in fact what probably caused it, and It may absolutely be better for her to get away. I was simply asking if it was feasible, if she could cope if she did, and if there was a possibility her own anxiety was skewing her view on it.

A lot of people, when challenged about abusive behaviour, try to pull the stunt of coming over all reasonable and making out they were just concerned...

Blunt your pushing and pushing for me to except that I am a pathetic needy, crying, unstable, mess. Whats your agenda really. To call me childish when you keep telling me to pull 'my big girl pants up' (whatever the fuck that means) is silly. You seem to be pushing the idea that I am some crazy unstable person, that's what my husband does, do you just want me to accept it Blunt. I just want to get on with life, I will make a decision on what to do next, thanks, could I cope? of course I could. I am not stupid,

'Firstly, you are sadly in debt, you don't have your own home, you get palpatations at the thought of being ten mins late for school pick up, even though uou had already told the school, you called your husband "loads" during it and it's a significant enough event that you mention it on here. For many of us being late for the school run does not require multiple calls to our husband or cause undue stress. I'm sorry it doesn't , so this tells me you are struggling with the day to day'

Do you know about my PSVT, do you know what it stands for? Did you read i had forgotten to take my tablet, only beta blockers, had the baby with me and thought worse case I would have to ring an ambulance.

I am not fucking thick you know. I can function, do what I do well , when I am not being controlled and picked on. My husband is not the cause of my anxiety but certainly doesn't make it any easier, i don't expect him to fix anything,

Few more points

1. yes, walking a tightrope made of eggshells is incredibly stressful. It does make you feel like you're living on a knife edge (you kind of are) so yeh, sometimes seemingly minor obstacles and problems can overwhelm. The fight or flight adrenaline is pumping through your veins constantly because your body knows deep down you're in survival mode even if your brain won't acknowledge it and leave.

2. I left with a debt. My x had cunningly engineer it so that my finances were at his mercy. I had to put the shopping on a credit card in my name which he would settle. When he suspected i was planning my departure, he asked me to put parking permits and other things on my card. I had to do it or he would know. He knew anyway tbh

3. There will always be people who don't get it. There is a range of things that people can fail to 'get'. that you have the right to be happy, that your life is not a sacrifice to sombeody else's convenience, that a woman is entitled to end a relationship with a man even if he's perfect.
   
   For that reason because people seem to need a bad guy and they want to align themselves to a side. Right. or Wrong, I would avoid saying too much more than "I was extremely unhappy and I'm only now looking forward to the rest of my life and my future since I decided to leave/left".
   If you're certain about that, people will pick up on it. If you tell the truth about how selfish and controlling and unreasonable he was to you, for some reason, there will be a signifant proportion of people who don't want to believe that. They'll say it was six of one and half a dozen of the other, or that you're ''vindictive'' or that you're bitter. The one thing that everybody is grudgingly forced to acknowledge is that if you are certain you don't love somebody then you don't have to stay with them. It is easier to say in a bland, saccharine announcement ''i don't love him, or my life with him''.
   
   I know it's letting him off easy for his abusive behaviour but it doesn't matter. You will flourish when you are away from him.

And your success in life and your happiness in your future is not related to people understanding why you left or your right to leave.

Detach from the necessity to have people understand why you leave. You don't need anybody's blessing or approval to end a relationship.

It took me three years to fully comprehend this. I wasn't properly free til i got it.

Thanks for the support x

Wow, Okdoke, I'm out, apologies I certainly wasn't suggesting uou were "Pathetic, needy, unstable, crying, mess, and fucking thick".

Good luck and I genuinely wish uou all the best and hope you get it resolved and move on to a happier place in your life.

Ask yourself, do you believe he can stop acting like this towards you? I know a woman in her 70s now. She married a man like this. I can tell you he is not going to change. The woman I'm talking about has been treated like dirt for the last 40 years. She's tried to commit suicide twice I know of. She is a shell of her old self. Somehow and I can't understand how, but he has control over everything, she is basically just a skivvy now. She has no access to money to buy herself anything, has to ask to even switch the heating on. She gets no say in anything and has no confidence from years of put downs.
From the outside looking in, he's a great husband & provider but complete opposite behind closed doors.

red you have to do this for you. Tune out the criticism.

When you live with a vulture who takes and has structure your lives so that they take and you give, you're in no position to start 'growing' your life.

I left with nothing. One rucksack and a debt. And two dependents. In the decade (approx) since I left I have saved and managed to 'build'.

please don't waste your breath defending yourself or your situation to people who don't / can't get it.

Blunt - as you are aware Relationships is a support board. I take it from your reply that you were genuinely hoping to be supportive in your own way.

However you can see from what the OP replied and from others that your post was insensitive and not constructive. You say you are fully aware of what may have caused the OP to be so sensitive and lacking in self confidence (i.e. being with a man who constantly undermines her) and yet your first comment is whether or not she can cope on her own. The thought of coping on her own undoubtedly terrifies her - she needs support and encouragement not ammunition for further self-doubt.

OP - please keep posting. Can you talk to your Mum in real life? Or any other family member or friend? If not, please think about calling Women's Aid or seeing if your GP can arrange counselling. This is no way to live.

Ok thanks I will xx its easy to get sucked into the cycle of trying to defend yourself and feeling bewildered that someone could be so clueless/intentionally hurtful. I am just so used to being told I am wrong and feeling so bitterly angry about it.

sugar that could have been me. My x engineered things so that after the first time i left him, he promised to change etc, blah blah blah, but then when I returned he was slightly better for three weeks but then he changed the credit card from his name to my name. He knew if I ever left him it'd be with a debt.

So basically what I am saying is that a man who is comfortable being such an arsehole is a user and a taker and they could change but they don't want to. They would prefer to use and take and blame. Even if they fake being nice for a little while to win you back when it looks like you might end things, they want to be selfish, and the way things were for years, that is what feels right and proper to them and why would anybody want a man like that.

yes Red please don't put yourself up in the dock like I did.

I can see now i put myself on trial and the reason I did that was because my x's voice had become my critical inner voice.

I made a mistake, I had the right to make a mistake. I recognised it, fixed it and looked to the future. My absolute prerogative and yet I sub consciously looked for everybody's blessing (to have left) and forgiveness (for being a single parent).

I am well over this now btw but leaving an abusive controlling selish entitled man is an incredibly complicated stage (emotionally)

I understand what Blunt is saying. She was not being mean but asking how you can best improve your coping skills so you can cope with your life and partner.
the drunk episode was years ago and you should have moved on from it but I get that he is insensitive.
You need to detach detach detach and stop expecting things he is unwilling to give. Take responsibility for you and see where it takes you. I took four years to get to the point of becoming confident again after years of abuse.
Sounds like a really difficult situation.

Oh Damelo what a bastard for changing the name on the card! You are better off out of it! Good on you for going.

I'd leave your on your own anyway, as anytime you need your needs met, you get it thrown in your face as being weak or unable to manage. Which you correctly identify as ea.

No amount of talking will change it as he in his warped mind sees you as the issue and seems to enjoy tearing you down.

Get out and live there is a whole world out there and life is to short to be putting up with that crap.

OP, listen to damelo. She has raised some really pertinent points, and has also lived through it. I'm not sure about blunt - I pulled her up on another thread for defending a feckless husband against a downtrodden wife. Concentrate on the posts that resonate with you - you know in your gut what feels wrong and what feels right.

Woh red! I want you to deploy that same feistiness you unleashed at Blunt on that cock of a husband. Better still, point that anger at getting your ducks in a row and leaving him. Big big massive hug xxx

It's an odd sounding dynamic- he doesn't support you with the children, even when newborn, criticises what you do, makes your health issues worse, walks out on work. In what way are you dependent on him? Apart from living with FIL.

You sound quite feisty with him and critical PPs, so I'm sure you can get out of this. Organise your exit strategy- talk to women's aid etc. The PPs have given great advice on here.

When you get away from accusing, controlling, critical people you will feel so much better. It's easier to do everything yourself than walk on eggshells. Try and live somewhere more convenient for school, too- 45 mins on public transport is always going to be stressful.

Start planning your escape OP. Youve basically said that you are no longer prepared to be treated like this. So start thinking about how to leave him. Call womens aid for some advice.

It seems like feistiness, its just anger and bitterness that he ( and the nasty PP) keep telling me am wrong. I would like to think I am strong willed, it just hurts that my feelings are minimised and invalidated. Its totally as Damelo says, my husbands voice is my inner critical voice, and the PP was 'talking' in his voice as well, telling me my post sounded 'weak' and saying 'if thats the worst thing he's done your silly for worrying'. Even though the incident (when he got pissed and forgot he had a wife and child ill in hospital )it still hurts and plays on my mind, can I trust him to not do it again? I also worry what happens if I get really sick or something like that or when we are older. I am only 29( I know its not that young!) and feel so old and damaged. I will think very carefully about the advice I have been given. Thanks everyone.