Husband says I am too dependant on him.

[redmumbec]

I believe my husband to be an emotional abuser. Many times I have felt like his behaviour is fundamentally unfair and feels like, essentially, in our little world he has denied me my basic rights as a human being! Love, support, consideration, intimacy( said once he controls me through sex), kindness, reassurance. The relationship is fundamentally wrong. He must not love me, I must not be good enough for him. It hurts.

We have three kids and are currently living with my Fil due to debt problems. A few things he has done to give you an idea, the worst was when our first child was a born, he went out the night after got totally pissed and forget to turn up at the hospital, brought back random people to our home. I had had a PPH and baby was unwell. I felt so betrayed. I should have left then. 3rd child he says he cant stay off to help get the kids to school ( I physically couldn’t do it) he was annoyed and just walked off out the door and later says ‘I don't like being responsible for you) Lots more I cant go into it all its been years worth. I just don't know how some came be so cold, I wouldn't do that to a stranger never mind a partner.

Most recently, I feel his emotional abuse has changed tact, and he has now starter to criticise my parenting. I felt one particular incident he was micro managing my every move and i couldn't do anything right. He has never done this before, his nastiness has always been in response to me assenting myself when it came to demanding respect as a woman/partner in our personal relationship. I feel like it has changed and it makes me sick. Another was he didn't like the food I was giving them, but he didn't just say he implied that I was unfit to look after them.

The other incident was when I was 10 mins late to pick up the kids, we have moved away from family about 2 hrs on public transport, I was getting a lift for the first bit of the journey, and bus for the rest, I had left about 45 mins to get to school. i would have just make it with 15mins to walk down to the school but bus was late. so I had 5 mins or so to walk down, I would have been about 5 mins late but was I was rushing and haven't took my anxiety meds, I started to get painful palpitations. I have PSVT (heart arrhythmia) and while its not dangerous its very scary and that with the feeling I am going to be late and let the kids down was awful. Anyway I phoned school to say I was going to be late. I walked slowly as I was getting constant palps, I made it.

Had a sit down. Was fine, just shaken up. I had phoned husband loads to see if he was home soon, he has all different working hours. Couldn't get into touch, but he was home soon after. So he's asking are you ok now, then started questing me as to why I was late, pulling faces and rising eyebrows and saying it wouldn't have happened if I had have planned things better and its was my fault basically. So cold and heartless. I didn't want anything just not to be blamed when i already feel like crap for being late and making the kids worry about me ( I am so proud of them though, they were sweet saying ‘you should sit down Mum!’ I feel so proud of them as they are so loving and kind to people)

So I was really upset as I just felt like i was still in panic mode and was getting a kicking when I was already down. He later said he was only thinking about the kids and how it would look to the staff that I was later and that we might get reported( he said that this was because of something I had said, that might have implied the staff were judging me) I just thought it was a bit sly to set all that whizzing round my head.

And last night when i was demanding to be treated like a human and not be spoke to and treated like an insignificant worthless piece of shit you cant get rid of, his major problem and response was that I am to dependant on him. I just want to live with out being picked on and have a basic level of support as a partner. I am asking too much, I am a hassle. So thats it, I feel so insulted, as i supported him to leave his job out of the blue 5 weeks after having out last child, the second time he's quit and yet I am too dependant on him so he's washed his hand off me. Doesn't care if we are together or not, he's happy to stay together, I assume this will mean me shutting the fuck up and getting on with it just swallowing his shit. So really I need to decide what I need to do. My kids are the most important thing to me.

It really gets to me as well that as part of his job he works delivering bullying/domestic violence workshops, it really make me angry. He even said of one of the domestic violence courses ‘yeah a lot of it was too close to home’ So he knows what he's doing. Yet he will selectively forget all this say I am unreasonably. crazy, demanding.

Thanks for reading.

[pklme]

Damelo- drop the rope... I love it- such an excellent illustration. I shall use it frequently! I do this already, but it's a great way of explaining it to people who are getting wound up by someone.

[Damelo]

Thanks !

Unfortunately it comes from a mixture of having been through it myself and recognising the same paralysing critical voice in the OP that I was imprisoned by myself, a nine year journey (so far) to get back on track. What I've learnt from psychotherapy (and on mumsnet!)

Hope you're ok OP

[Atenco]

kittybiscuits I second that emotion

[kittybiscuits]

Excellent posts Damelo

[Damelo]

ps,

people who boost their ego by upsetting others with slurs on their character have a very low self esteem and they boost their ego temporarily only by causing 'drama'. They feel powerful when they create upset or drama. It makes them feel important when you go to such great lengths to prove yourself worthy to them! Why would you try if they weren't imortant to you? their good opinion matters to you and that makes them feel important. That effect is temporary so they continue to insult and offend and upset.

Would a grounded, secure, content person with a healthy self-esteem go through life pointlessly upsetting those around them? No, they'd be supportive and encouraging.

Your H has his own issues. he feels powerful by causing others to be upset.

The way for you to feel powerful now is to drop that rope and make changes. Making changes makes one feel powerful.

Self-efficacy is a large part of a healthy self esteem. That is the part that came last for me actually. I should have been braver and risked more.

When you have made some changes your self-esteem will feel the benefit of that self-efficacy.

x

[LesisMiserable]

Neither of you sound happy. If you cant come up with solutions together, if its too far gone (and it sounds like it is, would you agree?) then for the good of your children you need to separate. If you truly believe your husband is abusive to you, dont stick around to let your children experience that any further

[Damelo]

Red it takes a while to lose that inner critical voice.

You know that you don't deserve this, that's why you've come here and posted. But you will be very vulnerable to any body who criticises you in the future, in the same vein as the criticism from your H.

Therefore before leaving him/ending it, I would advise working on not reacting to criticism. It feels initially like being a doormat. But actually it is not. It is dropping the rope

Drop the rope. Do not pull back. Because the person on the other end enjoys pulling the rope. They will know just what to say, what insinuation to make, what slur on your character to make to have you tossing and turning and trying to prove that they have you all wrong. That is a nightmare right?! That need to prove to somebody that they have you all wrong.

LET them ''have you all wrong".

Usually they drop some infuriating and unfair drama bait and you feel the need (because of your critical inner voice) to prove and defend yourself.

Don't defend yourself to them. Drop the rope.

Defend yourself only in your inner dialogue.

Think of a kind happy person who you admire. Somebody who is liked for the right reasons. What would that person say to you? Literally ask yourself ''what would X the kind person say to you?" Quieten the inner dialogue in your head that comes straight from your critical H with a conscious dialogue in your head from a kind person

Be your own kind person. You can change the dialogue in your head. Honestly. The real freedom comes that way.

My x could fire any list of insults at me now and I'd just look at him and see a sad angry man with a low self-esteem.

Good luck.

[Whisky2014]

I got stressed just reading your OP. Please leave him, you will be much happier.

[livinglooney8]

Please don't feel scared about being a single parent. Through no choice of my own we've actually found it wonderful, free and we have a happy home. Good luck x

[redmumbec]

It seems like feistiness, its just anger and bitterness that he ( and the nasty PP) keep telling me am wrong. I would like to think I am strong willed, it just hurts that my feelings are minimised and invalidated. Its totally as Damelo says, my husbands voice is my inner critical voice, and the PP was 'talking' in his voice as well, telling me my post sounded 'weak' and saying 'if thats the worst thing he's done your silly for worrying'. Even though the incident (when he got pissed and forgot he had a wife and child ill in hospital )it still hurts and plays on my mind, can I trust him to not do it again? I also worry what happens if I get really sick or something like that or when we are older. I am only 29( I know its not that young!) and feel so old and damaged. I will think very carefully about the advice I have been given. Thanks everyone.

[redexpat]

Start planning your escape OP. Youve basically said that you are no longer prepared to be treated like this. So start thinking about how to leave him. Call womens aid for some advice.

[pklme]

It's an odd sounding dynamic- he doesn't support you with the children, even when newborn, criticises what you do, makes your health issues worse, walks out on work. In what way are you dependent on him? Apart from living with FIL.

You sound quite feisty with him and critical PPs, so I'm sure you can get out of this. Organise your exit strategy- talk to women's aid etc. The PPs have given great advice on here.

When you get away from accusing, controlling, critical people you will feel so much better. It's easier to do everything yourself than walk on eggshells. Try and live somewhere more convenient for school, too- 45 mins on public transport is always going to be stressful.

[jeaux90]

Woh red! I want you to deploy that same feistiness you unleashed at Blunt on that cock of a husband. Better still, point that anger at getting your ducks in a row and leaving him. Big big massive hug xxx

[ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess]

OP, listen to damelo. She has raised some really pertinent points, and has also lived through it. I'm not sure about blunt - I pulled her up on another thread for defending a feckless husband against a downtrodden wife. Concentrate on the posts that resonate with you - you know in your gut what feels wrong and what feels right.

[lollylou2876]

I'd leave your on your own anyway, as anytime you need your needs met, you get it thrown in your face as being weak or unable to manage. Which you correctly identify as ea.

No amount of talking will change it as he in his warped mind sees you as the issue and seems to enjoy tearing you down.

Get out and live there is a whole world out there and life is to short to be putting up with that crap.

[SugarNspiceNallThingsNice]

Oh Damelo what a bastard for changing the name on the card! You are better off out of it! Good on you for going.

[herwegoagain123]

I understand what Blunt is saying. She was not being mean but asking how you can best improve your coping skills so you can cope with your life and partner.
the drunk episode was years ago and you should have moved on from it but I get that he is insensitive.
You need to detach detach detach and stop expecting things he is unwilling to give. Take responsibility for you and see where it takes you. I took four years to get to the point of becoming confident again after years of abuse.
Sounds like a really difficult situation.

[Damelo]

yes Red please don't put yourself up in the dock like I did.

I can see now i put myself on trial and the reason I did that was because my x's voice had become my critical inner voice.

I made a mistake, I had the right to make a mistake. I recognised it, fixed it and looked to the future. My absolute prerogative and yet I sub consciously looked for everybody's blessing (to have left) and forgiveness (for being a single parent).

I am well over this now btw but leaving an abusive controlling selish entitled man is an incredibly complicated stage (emotionally)

[Damelo]

sugar that could have been me. My x engineered things so that after the first time i left him, he promised to change etc, blah blah blah, but then when I returned he was slightly better for three weeks but then he changed the credit card from his name to my name. He knew if I ever left him it'd be with a debt.

So basically what I am saying is that a man who is comfortable being such an arsehole is a user and a taker and they could change but they don't want to. They would prefer to use and take and blame. Even if they fake being nice for a little while to win you back when it looks like you might end things, they want to be selfish, and the way things were for years, that is what feels right and proper to them and why would anybody want a man like that.

[redmumbec]

Ok thanks I will xx its easy to get sucked into the cycle of trying to defend yourself and feeling bewildered that someone could be so clueless/intentionally hurtful. I am just so used to being told I am wrong and feeling so bitterly angry about it.

[BerlinerBelle]

Blunt - as you are aware Relationships is a support board. I take it from your reply that you were genuinely hoping to be supportive in your own way.

However you can see from what the OP replied and from others that your post was insensitive and not constructive. You say you are fully aware of what may have caused the OP to be so sensitive and lacking in self confidence (i.e. being with a man who constantly undermines her) and yet your first comment is whether or not she can cope on her own. The thought of coping on her own undoubtedly terrifies her - she needs support and encouragement not ammunition for further self-doubt.

OP - please keep posting. Can you talk to your Mum in real life? Or any other family member or friend? If not, please think about calling Women's Aid or seeing if your GP can arrange counselling. This is no way to live.

[Damelo]

red you have to do this for you. Tune out the criticism.

When you live with a vulture who takes and has structure your lives so that they take and you give, you're in no position to start 'growing' your life.

I left with nothing. One rucksack and a debt. And two dependents. In the decade (approx) since I left I have saved and managed to 'build'.

please don't waste your breath defending yourself or your situation to people who don't / can't get it.

[SugarNspiceNallThingsNice]

Ask yourself, do you believe he can stop acting like this towards you? I know a woman in her 70s now. She married a man like this. I can tell you he is not going to change. The woman I'm talking about has been treated like dirt for the last 40 years. She's tried to commit suicide twice I know of. She is a shell of her old self. Somehow and I can't understand how, but he has control over everything, she is basically just a skivvy now. She has no access to money to buy herself anything, has to ask to even switch the heating on. She gets no say in anything and has no confidence from years of put downs.
From the outside looking in, he's a great husband & provider but complete opposite behind closed doors.

[Bluntness100]

Wow, Okdoke, I'm out, apologies I certainly wasn't suggesting uou were "Pathetic, needy, unstable, crying, mess, and fucking thick".

Good luck and I genuinely wish uou all the best and hope you get it resolved and move on to a happier place in your life.

[redmumbec]

Thanks for the support x