Husband says I am too dependant on him.

[redmumbec]

I believe my husband to be an emotional abuser. Many times I have felt like his behaviour is fundamentally unfair and feels like, essentially, in our little world he has denied me my basic rights as a human being! Love, support, consideration, intimacy( said once he controls me through sex), kindness, reassurance. The relationship is fundamentally wrong. He must not love me, I must not be good enough for him. It hurts.

We have three kids and are currently living with my Fil due to debt problems. A few things he has done to give you an idea, the worst was when our first child was a born, he went out the night after got totally pissed and forget to turn up at the hospital, brought back random people to our home. I had had a PPH and baby was unwell. I felt so betrayed. I should have left then. 3rd child he says he cant stay off to help get the kids to school ( I physically couldn’t do it) he was annoyed and just walked off out the door and later says ‘I don't like being responsible for you) Lots more I cant go into it all its been years worth. I just don't know how some came be so cold, I wouldn't do that to a stranger never mind a partner.

Most recently, I feel his emotional abuse has changed tact, and he has now starter to criticise my parenting. I felt one particular incident he was micro managing my every move and i couldn't do anything right. He has never done this before, his nastiness has always been in response to me assenting myself when it came to demanding respect as a woman/partner in our personal relationship. I feel like it has changed and it makes me sick. Another was he didn't like the food I was giving them, but he didn't just say he implied that I was unfit to look after them.

The other incident was when I was 10 mins late to pick up the kids, we have moved away from family about 2 hrs on public transport, I was getting a lift for the first bit of the journey, and bus for the rest, I had left about 45 mins to get to school. i would have just make it with 15mins to walk down to the school but bus was late. so I had 5 mins or so to walk down, I would have been about 5 mins late but was I was rushing and haven't took my anxiety meds, I started to get painful palpitations. I have PSVT (heart arrhythmia) and while its not dangerous its very scary and that with the feeling I am going to be late and let the kids down was awful. Anyway I phoned school to say I was going to be late. I walked slowly as I was getting constant palps, I made it.

Had a sit down. Was fine, just shaken up. I had phoned husband loads to see if he was home soon, he has all different working hours. Couldn't get into touch, but he was home soon after. So he's asking are you ok now, then started questing me as to why I was late, pulling faces and rising eyebrows and saying it wouldn't have happened if I had have planned things better and its was my fault basically. So cold and heartless. I didn't want anything just not to be blamed when i already feel like crap for being late and making the kids worry about me ( I am so proud of them though, they were sweet saying ‘you should sit down Mum!’ I feel so proud of them as they are so loving and kind to people)

So I was really upset as I just felt like i was still in panic mode and was getting a kicking when I was already down. He later said he was only thinking about the kids and how it would look to the staff that I was later and that we might get reported( he said that this was because of something I had said, that might have implied the staff were judging me) I just thought it was a bit sly to set all that whizzing round my head.

And last night when i was demanding to be treated like a human and not be spoke to and treated like an insignificant worthless piece of shit you cant get rid of, his major problem and response was that I am to dependant on him. I just want to live with out being picked on and have a basic level of support as a partner. I am asking too much, I am a hassle. So thats it, I feel so insulted, as i supported him to leave his job out of the blue 5 weeks after having out last child, the second time he's quit and yet I am too dependant on him so he's washed his hand off me. Doesn't care if we are together or not, he's happy to stay together, I assume this will mean me shutting the fuck up and getting on with it just swallowing his shit. So really I need to decide what I need to do. My kids are the most important thing to me.

It really gets to me as well that as part of his job he works delivering bullying/domestic violence workshops, it really make me angry. He even said of one of the domestic violence courses ‘yeah a lot of it was too close to home’ So he knows what he's doing. Yet he will selectively forget all this say I am unreasonably. crazy, demanding.

Thanks for reading.

[livinglooney8]

Please don't feel scared about being a single parent. Through no choice of my own we've actually found it wonderful, free and we have a happy home. Good luck x

[Whisky2014]

I got stressed just reading your OP. Please leave him, you will be much happier.

[Damelo]

Red it takes a while to lose that inner critical voice.

You know that you don't deserve this, that's why you've come here and posted. But you will be very vulnerable to any body who criticises you in the future, in the same vein as the criticism from your H.

Therefore before leaving him/ending it, I would advise working on not reacting to criticism. It feels initially like being a doormat. But actually it is not. It is dropping the rope

Drop the rope. Do not pull back. Because the person on the other end enjoys pulling the rope. They will know just what to say, what insinuation to make, what slur on your character to make to have you tossing and turning and trying to prove that they have you all wrong. That is a nightmare right?! That need to prove to somebody that they have you all wrong.

LET them ''have you all wrong".

Usually they drop some infuriating and unfair drama bait and you feel the need (because of your critical inner voice) to prove and defend yourself.

Don't defend yourself to them. Drop the rope.

Defend yourself only in your inner dialogue.

Think of a kind happy person who you admire. Somebody who is liked for the right reasons. What would that person say to you? Literally ask yourself ''what would X the kind person say to you?" Quieten the inner dialogue in your head that comes straight from your critical H with a conscious dialogue in your head from a kind person

Be your own kind person. You can change the dialogue in your head. Honestly. The real freedom comes that way.

My x could fire any list of insults at me now and I'd just look at him and see a sad angry man with a low self-esteem.

Good luck.

[LesisMiserable]

Neither of you sound happy. If you cant come up with solutions together, if its too far gone (and it sounds like it is, would you agree?) then for the good of your children you need to separate. If you truly believe your husband is abusive to you, dont stick around to let your children experience that any further

[Damelo]

ps,

people who boost their ego by upsetting others with slurs on their character have a very low self esteem and they boost their ego temporarily only by causing 'drama'. They feel powerful when they create upset or drama. It makes them feel important when you go to such great lengths to prove yourself worthy to them! Why would you try if they weren't imortant to you? their good opinion matters to you and that makes them feel important. That effect is temporary so they continue to insult and offend and upset.

Would a grounded, secure, content person with a healthy self-esteem go through life pointlessly upsetting those around them? No, they'd be supportive and encouraging.

Your H has his own issues. he feels powerful by causing others to be upset.

The way for you to feel powerful now is to drop that rope and make changes. Making changes makes one feel powerful.

Self-efficacy is a large part of a healthy self esteem. That is the part that came last for me actually. I should have been braver and risked more.

When you have made some changes your self-esteem will feel the benefit of that self-efficacy.

x

[kittybiscuits]

Excellent posts Damelo

[Atenco]

kittybiscuits I second that emotion

[Damelo]

Thanks !

Unfortunately it comes from a mixture of having been through it myself and recognising the same paralysing critical voice in the OP that I was imprisoned by myself, a nine year journey (so far) to get back on track. What I've learnt from psychotherapy (and on mumsnet!)

Hope you're ok OP

[pklme]

Damelo- drop the rope... I love it- such an excellent illustration. I shall use it frequently! I do this already, but it's a great way of explaining it to people who are getting wound up by someone.