Kicked daughter out... I don't even feel bad...

[Nance60]

My daughter is of age btw to be removed from the family. She isn't at risk. Staying with a family member I believe. I want to feel bad, I just don't. I said some horrible things but she has seriously caused some major problems to this family and I just couldn't take it anymore.

Sounds like you both need some space from each other.

Even if she does laugh that you've phoned to check she's ok, the lost girl in her will be (secretly) pleased uv phoned cause it will reassure her u love her. xx

Anorexia is a massive indicator that your daughter is struggling with life, relationships etc.
I am saying this without knowing all the facts, but what she needs is some warmth and unconditional love and a space to sort out whatever issues drove her eating disorder.
Maybe time to put how you feel aside and concentrate on getting your vulnerable child through her teenage years to give her the best chance for the rest of her life. She is still growing and shaping her personality at age 17yrs so it is vital she has your support and love so she has a safe base and safe haven from which to sort herself out.
I would imagine she feels lost, alone, isolated and rejected (even if she comes across as stroppy, rude, lazy and opinionated).

What a relief :)

So sorry that you're having such a tough time with your daughter. I agree with most of what roundandround says... I expect it's the relentless everyday coping of this that's just worn you down...it's so hard to get any sort of support to help move things along for everyone in a positive way. It's very easy for people on the outside to criticise and think it's to do with the parenting etc. but I'm sure that OP never wanted things to turn out like this and would love it to be different. When you're in the middle of the situation it's hard to think clearly and know what to do.
I hope some space apart may help - sometimes it's the best way to help them 'grow up' and take some responsibility.

You can't pour from an empty cup... I think the OP probably needs a break and the daughter would probably benefit from some tlc from someone who cares but isn't quite so invested and exhausted.

OP I hope things settle after a few days.

It may be what you both need- if she has people she can stay with who aren't her mother, but will help her to grow up a bit. Or at least put up with her for a while.
Thank your cousin and look after yourself a bit, sounds like the whole thing has ground you down. (my goddaughter stayed with me after her mum totally justifiably threw her out. eventually went back to mum when she pushed things to the point where I threw her out....she is now finally a functioning grown up and uni student but those years were hard all round)

Nance please do not feel guilty. 6 weeks ago I asked my DD to leave too. My DH (at work) received a very distressing phone call from me and her 15 year old sister - we had barracaded ourselves into her bedroom in absolute terror. DD was swearing, kicking her door and threatening to throw a brick through the window if we didn't open the door. It was terrifying. DD is 21 - so older than yours but this has been going on for years - we were at the end our tether. She has said some terrible things to all of us over the years and life for the rest of the family has been horrible. Enough was enough - abuse comes in all forms and yes - sometimes your darling DC's are the ones doing it. As parents we had a duty of care to to protect our other DC too and it just couldn't go on any longer. It is difficult for anyone who isn't going through the living hell some DC's bring to their families lives to understand why you would be relieved that your child has gone but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. The police officers that came round (after she had gone) told us we had done exactly the right thing in asking her to leave and they called her and told her not to come back until she could behave in an adult manner. There are days when I feel sad, bad, crap and guilty as shit so big hugs from me to you and shame on all the people judging you.

If OP didn't care then she wouldn't have posted on here. Hopefully she will give us an update soon & DD will be fine. Hopefully all will be OK longterm.

I so know how you are feeling and I hope you can resolve this.
When my eldest son was 16 my husband was away for 6 months (cancer) I had just had my 5th baby, I would get everyone up ready for school get baby ready drive 45 minutes to one of husband's shops work a full day with baby while organising his other shop, drive home collect 3 of the younger children from sister in law's, go home to find eldest on sofa where he had been all day with mountains of washing up and rubbish littered around where he had been. As soon as I ask him to clean up he would shout and swear at me and storm out, by the time I cleaned up and cooked ECT it was bed time, I had to work 6 days a week and on Sunday drive an hour to the hospital to see hubby, sometimes the kids couldn't go like if one of their friends has a virus or they were coming down with something then it was a mad rush to the shops to get food for the week, I was constantly exhausted.
Son didn't help even after calmly explaining that I needed his help even if it was only him going to college and cleaning up after himself, he made things worse by drawing a line in the bedroom he shared with his 2 younger brothers as they were not allowed to cross this line so then I had to constantly deal with this even when I removed the line the imaginary one was there and he used to scream and shout at them and be very mean.
His rages got worse when daughter got offered a place in college on the same course as him as due to her grades she would skip 2 years. Son went mental and then started on her, one day I got in from work and he was in his usual spot and I hadn't even taken the keys out of the door when he informed me I had better go back out as their is no food in the house, I lost the plot and threw him out , even tho I had threatened him with it before and told him to pack his bags this time I really meant it and I told him I wanted him out there and then and I would pack his bags and send them down to sil, I knew she would take him in as she knew how awkward he could be for me and she once had him for a month when he was in his early teens.
He is now almost 27 and he has moved back home a few times but only short term until he can find somewhere, but here ruins every relationship he had by being entitled and having no respect for anyone else. My daughter has him live with her a few years ago and he attacked her and spat at her he then phoned me at midnight to come and sort her out and to take her away (it was her flat) he then got married and that only lasted 6 months then this year he attacked me and I still do not know why, I have not spoken to him since June and it breaks my heart but he has turned this around and had told many people that "he won't talk to me until I apologise" .
Please do something now as being where I am is fucking horrible.

Oh 6demanding that is an awful story !! So sorry you have had to deal with all that.
And higs to op as well !#,

Hugs to op (and ignore hash tag!)

When children behave in some of the terrible ways described, you don't have much option but to have them out of the house.

It's not what any parent wants to do, but unless you take a hard line, they'll think that's acceptable behaviourand will never stop. Children like that carry on in future relationships by bullying and abusing, because that's exactly what it is.

To be honest it's best they leave the house for everyone's safety, because having a rude, disrespectful child, no matter what age could make anyone lash out.

Can fully sympathise. Raising teens is an absolute minefield which literally drives you to insanity. But..... they do usually come out the other side well rounded and normal adults, but can only do that with your guidance and supervision. The problem is if you kick them out, you have no control over where they are staying and who they're hanging out with. Being chucked out will impact her emotionally, and she will think you have given up on her and are rejecting her. This might then result in her going off the rails totally as she might be getting influenced by people who don't have her best interests at heart, and she doesn't have your voice of reason to rely on. By all means, have a mini break to get your head together, maybe a week, then start some dialogue with her one to one to get both sides across; state your expectations and maybe get to the root cause of her behaviour, because there will be one. Good look OP - being a parent is a learning curve.

OP I sympathise. l kicked my son out at age 17 due to absolute refusal to get a job or return to college. Every time I went out to work and came back again, he would have been smoking weed in his bedroom (putting our tenancy at risk.)

He had support from CAMHS, a key worker, support worker at college, and a psychiatrist. He had drained every bit of my emotional energy. It was an awful time.

As he was under 18 he was allocated emergency housing, initially in a shared block - which he hated as most of the other kids there were in similar situations, many had already been in prison, lots of gang culture, etc. He did then get moved on and how has a one-bed flat. Girls tend to get moved on quicker.

We have a very close relationship now and he acknowledges that I did the right thing, as he says "otherwise I would still just be sitting in my bedroom smoking weed and playing x-box". He is still not in work but has returned to college and gained two qualifications.

I hope things work out for you both

6Demanding I am so sorry to have read that, what an awful time and I hope your husband recovered. Your son sounds a pain in the arse to be honest, and your daughter sounds great. Difficult as you love all your kids, but at 27, hell no to that behaviour.
I think often what is key here, is just how much back up a parent gets and it is a hell of a lot harder if you are on your own and dealing with all of these issues alone. I hope the OP is ok. I have kept a running dialogue with my daughte daily, she is gorgeous most of the time but has been very privileged in terms of material things and has has almost entirely my focus and little of her father's - we are to blame to an extent but now as a young adult, telling me to 'do it yourself' everytime I ask her do anything grates a little...
She is with daddy now, his turn to try to get her to apply for jobs!

SandyY2K Sat 12-Nov-16 10:44:05

"When children behave in some of the terrible ways described, you don't have much option but to have them out of the house."

The problem is that we have been provided with absolutely no evidence that the OP's dd has behaved in some of the appalling ways that other posters describe. The worst she tells is that she has been lazing about and said some OTT things during the course of an argument - and the OP admits that she herself said some terrible things.

Anything above that is pure conjecture.

OP, I don't know whether to sympathise with you or with your dd. You would have to tell me.

Husband is clear now and changed his life around and is super fit.
As for the OP it helps to see if other "children" also behave in the same ways, at the time I felt so alone and like a bad mother for my thoughts.

Ignore all the people who do not have any experience of mental health issues with their own children, they cannot know the pain this causes us. This is unfair and cruel.

My daughter who is now 25, is living in a mental hospital and I know for sure she had a loving upbringing, I am not perfect but my son will testify i did
my best as any mother does and my late parents helped so much to create a loving family for them, far more so than most. She re-writes history, as is part of her condition, she will genuinely believe this to be the truth. Her perspectives are different from reality, this is normal for her condition!

None of this is your fault! It is also not hers, she will genuinely perceive these events to be as she tells them whether true to reality or not, and put greater emphasis on the negative, rather than the whole picture of her youth.

Have a look at Borderline Personality Disorder.

Mumsnet in general have no comprehension of this issue and how it impacts loved ones (as most people do not) and posters who are already doubting themselves will be flamed by parents of 'normal' children, this is not the place to seek help for this condition.

Read the book 'Understanding BPD' by Valerie Porr, this has been by far the most helpful to me who walks in your shoes.

Sorry for the ignorant responses you have received.

x

Dangly, how do you know what experience the rest of us have? And how can you know what experience the OP has when she gives us hardly any information?

Dangly, there's no indication in OP's post that her DD has MH issues. Your situation sound sad, but you can't diagnose her daughter on the very brief info we have been given.

But is is worth looking into for both OP and her daughter's sake.

Some people with serious MH conditions are high functioning and present well in general thus preventing loved ones getting in the help they really need. It's always worth looking into as early intervention is key.