Kicked daughter out... I don't even feel bad...

[Nance60]

My daughter is of age btw to be removed from the family. She isn't at risk. Staying with a family member I believe. I want to feel bad, I just don't. I said some horrible things but she has seriously caused some major problems to this family and I just couldn't take it anymore.

She still sees an ED counsellor once a month. She'll have that support for the time being.

I'm going to phone family member now.

To be honest, I think you're all right. Deep down maybe I made a mistake but I have a feeling she is the one who won't forgive me now.

Having encountered one of the most painful, twat like 16 year old today, I sympathise with the OP. I don't see what difference 2 weeks til she's 18 makes. I was working abroad at that age. I know plenty of people who have left home at 16 or before due to classes with their parents.

And I bet it didn't enhance their lives cherry

You're allowed to be a twat at 16. At 45 and as the parent, more is expected of you.

So she acted like a generic teenager, you kicked her out and dont actually know where she is. Ok. You sound just like my "mother".

This thread has been so influential that even people who haven't posted in a year/three years have come back to support the OP.

Now, now.

Good sitting, children.

I got thrown out at 17 - for being an absolute shit. I think it was the best thing my parent's could have done - and I didn't have family to stay with -went to live 50 miles away and had to take responsibility for myself. And it was just what I needed. I did go back once for a month at about 19 when I was stuck/in a mess but then moved 300 miles away.

I agree MN is a parallel universe at times...this 'child' is safe with family or seems to be safe with family...a bit of space and thinking time sounds like a good thing for both parties.

OP you may have made a mistake, you may not have, sleep on it and see how you feel. Space may be the right thing for both of you, and it's ok to acknowledge and show that her words have hurt you. But, both of you need to know that she knows you love her are care about her regardless of how she lashes out or what she does. So I would suggest call her, or who she is with, and relay that message that you love her, you will always need to know she is safe, and you will work together to find a way forward that is right for both of you as adults. Letting her know you love her and are there for her is not the same as saying she can be under your roof and treat you badly, but you can work together to formulate a plan. I bet you will sleep better knowing you've let her know that

I've never been in the situation, but if my sister died and anyone - even one of my dds - told me she was better off that way, I imagine that I, too, might well say or do something I regretted. I hope you can sort it out, OP. Having a child with MH issues, even ones a few years in the past, can have a huge amount of fallout on the parents' state of mind, and not everyone is capable of taking it on the chin every moment of every damned day for years and years. I've seen it first hand in our own family, more than once.

Maybe a thread that MNHQ could supply a couple of websites/numbers for the OP? No practical advice as I only have a very young son, but do hope you get it resolved.

Parents of teenagers often see parenting them as a battle of point scoring and face saving. This is not what it's about. I'm glad you're going to make contact, OP. She might not respond, but all you can do is make sure she knows the door is open. You're her parent.

I did retaliate with the words and I get that was wrong. She wasn't even trying she literally wasn't doing anything. I admit she had anorexia when she was 13 and I do keep thinking about that and wondering if that makes her more vulnerable but I feel like it shouldn't now and I can't sit and let her off everything because of that

Oh gosh. Anorexia is a bit like being an alcoholic. You never totally get 'over' it. (Btw, I'm not saying happiness and recovery aren't possible. I'm just saying it isn't a thing you just get over and are 'cured' from).

17/18 isn't very old, tbh.
So, although there seem to be good reasons for your actions, I do think you have a duty to make sure she's safe. You can't just wash your hands off her.

But you said you'd call them, so, good luck.

Seriously, I think the ED in the background could have a lot to do with it. You must have been tearing your hair out for years. You struggled to get her through - and you hope she stays through it - the godawful disease that is anorexia. Of course the focus has to be on the child, but that's the sort of thing that stays with a parent. You never get over it. And presumably (as she was at college) you, she, and whatever other people/agencies were involved succeeded to a large extent in keeping her alive and up to speed with her education. And now it looks like she's just going to piss it away, and laugh all that love and care back in your face with extra digs about you and your late sister. I doubt very much that it's 'just because she didn't help in the house'. You sound detached, but I've heard that tone before and (with that person) it wasn't real detachment. It was fear. I'm sorry, OP, but you'll have to square your shoulders once again, as soon as you're able to.

I do think it is wrong that you don't know where she is OP.

Could she be depressed? If she isn't motivated to get up and do anything it could be a MH issue, especially if she has already suffered from one before (anorexia). It's not the norm for an 17 year old to not want to do anything, and her comments about your dead sister, whilst obviously unpleasant, might also indicate some type of MH issue too (sounds like she is implying she wishes she were dead too?).

When did the anorexia stop? What have you done to speak to her about / encourage her to do something? When did your relationship break down? From your posts I imagine that there are ongoing problems rather than just her not wanting to do anything.

As a slight positive, she should probably use this as an opportunity to get a council flat since she is under 18. She should go to the local council with bags packed, say you kicked her out and be adamant that she doesn't have anywhere to go. She might have to stay in a foster home, or, more likely since she is very nearly 18, a young people's homeless hostel for a while, which can sometimes be difficult. But it's worth it at the chance of having a stable, cheap tenancy in a few months' time.

Most people who suffer from a disease such as anorexia in childhood (13 is very young!) are essentially vulnerable in nature; I also understand it never completely leaves you, so it's almost certainly still affecting your daughter.

I have two teenage girls so completely understand about making poor choices over words in the heat of the moment. However, after periods of reflection you need to be the bigger person and act like the adult and parent. It is also never too late to admit mistakes and pointless bearing grudges.

What can you do now that would help get your desired outcome? Washing your hands of your daughter would require extreme poor behaviour, along the law breaking lines (for me.) Presumably you do love her and want to help her get her life back on track?

TBH, you both sound like you could do with some professional support.

It is probable, from what you have said, that your DD is suffering with a mental health disorder. Her behaviour could be her way of dealing with it.

I am also not surprised that 'you have washed your hands of her'. I don't know you, but I don't believe that deep down you really have. Sounds like you snapped under the pressure and strain of caring for a child-adult with some serious issues. These in itself can create mental health problems for the family. Finding the support is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

And for all that, I will not judge you, nor will I judge your daughter. I am not sure if SS can support you by pointing you in the right direction.

But right now, for peace of mind, find out where she is and that she is safe. Regardless of her age, she is a very vulnerable person right now.

You think those things are honestly worthy of kicking someone out?

Does it really matter? Op is clearly having a shit time and posted for a bit of support, and all people can say is that its just normal teenage behaviour. Its really not! I was just trying to get the point across that she's not a child, and it's not typical.

As previous posters have said, it's hardly uncommon for a teenager to get "kicked out" for a bit.. Or to have a taste of standing on their own two feet and taking some responsibility at age 18. I wouldn't say OPs committed the crime of the century. There is obviously other family members around for DD to fall back on if need be.

And I'm glad to see OP is now getting some support.

It's bloody hard being a parent(I have 5 DC and 2 of our DC are disabled)it's even harder when they're teenagers and then if they start being abusive it can all feel like to much to cope with.

If you don't want to speak to your Daughter yet OP you don't have to,but I would ring the family member and just check that she is staying there and that they're alright with it.

Spending some time apart it might give her the nudge she needs to start thinking about what she wants to do and at the very least it will give you both some breathing space,you may even start to miss one another.

If you feel like you made a mistake, as a mum I feel that you're the one who should speak first and always leave the door open.

When you said you'd thrown her out, I expected to find she was physically violent, had severe mental health problems that left you with severe health problems of your own, or was pawning the family jewellery to feed a coke habit.

Not tidying up and sitting around would suggest low mood and aimlessness to me more than anything. Nothing that would justify cutting all ties.

I don't know much about eating disorders but they seem to come out of deep rooted issues that take a long time to resolve, if they ever do. I think back to myself at this age (without an eating disorder but still troubled) and the fact that I was 18 isn't very relevant because inside, I was younger. Please remember that your DD's illness may have affected the timing of her emotional development. You assumed she was lazy and bad tempered but really, you don't know what was going on.

It sounds like you both shot your mouths off and perhaps this is a family failing that needs to end here, now you have had a chance to see what it can cost you and what the regret can feel like. As you're an older (and more mature?) adult than she is, I would have thought it was for you to demonstrate what putting things right should look like.

I think a lot of people just don't understand how some people can truly be driven to the end of their tethers by problems with their children. I'm waiting for a CAMHS referral right now for my son and tbh, he gets worse like this as a teen and I'm not sure I can cope with anymore.

Really hope you can get some resolution on these issues, OP.

Yes she is staying with my cousin