Ex-wife completely ignoring me even regarding children

[Markb123]

Hi,

I appreciate it's mainly a mums site this one, but would appreciate your advice. My Ex-wife and I have been separated for over a year (I left her) and divorce proceedings are on-going still. We have 3 children together (9, 8 and 6).

At the start of the separation she made it clear to me if I left she didn't want to see me or speak to me ever again. I argued we needed to speak to actually communicate about the children welfare/education/etc. However she has kept true to her word, when I go to pick up the kids she is in a separate room, avoids being seen by me at all costs, runs away if I happen to get to the door while she is walking past.

I thought this was a phase that wouldn't go on forever, but she just cannot communicate. Even via email she rarely responds and takes days/weeks to do it which is concerning over children health matters for instance.

Is this remotely normal behaviour? She was very controlling in nature, is this just an extension of that control? I find it very frustrating because I just don't understand it. She emotionally abused me for years during the marriage and seems to think she is the one who had been wronged is my opinion?

Thanks for any comments!

If she didn't see the break up coming and you didn't communicate your unhappiness in your relationship I can see why she wants nothing to do with you. She probably finds it very painful to deal with you.

I'd get a family member or close friend to act as the intermediary.

The attitudes on here to the OP are frankly astounding. You have an OP who says he was emotionally abused. Obviously we don't know any more than what he says, but he is basically trying to communicate and work together for the children. Why is he being attacked for this? The behaviour he has described from his wife sounds very strange to me and I would say the same if it was a man behaving like that. Children need those in charge of their welfare to talk to each other.

My ex (father of children) was an arse in every aspect of our relationship. One day I snapped (as in realised this wasn't going to get any better) left, and he didn't speak to me for two years. No other man.
OP you have had a hard time. Completely out of order asking you pretty much what you did to deserve it..
Some of you on this thread disgust me

I think the point is the OP was asked outright several times about an OW and has declined to answer. If a female OP also didn't answer the same question when posters asked about an OM I would suspect that it was a factor too.

It doesn't excuse the XW's behaviour but it provides context to why there might be more to the situation than the OP has divulged

I have no doubt there is more, but I'm sure there is often more than we hear in these threads. And even if there was another woman then the XW should still talk to XH - even if by email/text.

If the OP was a woman, she would never have been asked if there was another man. It's not even relevant.

Whatever the reason for the split and whatever her feelings about the OP, the ex is putting her own needs above her children's. Where both parents are actively involved in raising their children, both parents must put their own personal feelings aside enough to be able to communicate about their children's needs. If that cannot be done in person, by email will do, but it is the duty of both to enter into that communication.

It is inexcusable to block the other parent out of those decisions because of your own emotional inabilities.

Has the XW actually stopped communication though? OP seems to be saying that she does communicate by email, but not as quickly as he would like.

What is timely is of course subjective in the first place. But there isn't enough info here to tell whether she's being deliberately awkward or just disorganised, or if OP's expectations are unrealistic.

For example if she's saving up all issues and answering periodically, that shouldn't be a problem. Unless there are actual time-sensitive issues (other than OP's preferences) that are getting screwed up.

I'd be bloody angry to find out the dentist and doctor had been switched without my consent or knowledge,

And fathers are often no different. Upset to discover their DCs have been receiving medical or dental care with no consultation or even information shared.

Even if the DC remains registered at the same Dr, If one parent refuses to communicate, the only recourse is for the other to formally notify the Practice that they don't give their consent to any treatment without direct communication between the Dr and the parent. And in the case of dental care, a DC can be registered with more than one practice. So keeping an ex in the dark about what is going on can lead to conflicting treatments and even referrals to specialists who have no idea the DC even HAS two parents.

Is that true of the NHS though? I mean, doesn't the child have a complete record in one place, regardless of which parent takes them? I honestly haven't had a problem just continuing taking kids to doctors and dentists, as I always used to do, since he never took them, didn't care and was very dismissive of anyone else's health issues. And he hasn't complained about this either.
I'm interested in the academic legalities now. What if my ex signed up to a religion (unlikely) which forbade medical treatment? Could he really override my desire to get my children medical care just by phoning the Dr's? Why would his wishes trump mine anyway?
Maybe I haven't thought about it much because I only ever go for minor, routine stuff, like verrucas, fillings, minor injuries. If there was a serious issue, I don't think I would cut him out actually, you couldn't, because the child would need continuity of care in each household. it's just that the current care is what I view as mundane really.
I'm a bit scared now, anywhere I can read up about this?

Have you approached for formal mediation.

I agree with others she doesn't have to actually see you and as it is 50/50 care I think it is relevant what DR's they are registered, what dentisit, OP you do have a say in school.

Who has the Child benefit? this is what would be refereed to as main home.

It's a shame that she cannot be civil for the sake of your children however, I can kind of understand why she'd not want to see you.

"as it is 50/50 care"

I'm not sure it is. Although OP said he was 50/50 'involved' in their lives, he clarified that he has

" the children Wed/Thur night every week and every other weekend Fri-Mon"

So that's pretty clear they routinely havemore time in one home than the other, and so OP's house is not their main home (hence the post about school admissions, where his address simply won't count)

I make that 7 nights per fortnight in each home medi

I don't think it's particularly unusual to have all communication going via a 3rd party for example by email.

I know a woman who felt this was necessary with her ex. So in your case, you'd email the intermediary to ask them whether the kids had visited the dentist. The intermediary would find out and email you back. My friend had no contact whatsoever with her ex, contact was as per the court ordered schedule.

Some people do this to shield themselves from an abusive or controlling ex. Others do it to be able to cope with the destruction of their world. Either way it's a choice a person is entitled to make.

If the OP was a woman, she would never have been asked if there was another man. It's not even relevant.

^^^ This

It wouldn't have been a mention.

Now we have people minimising and being sarcastic by saying he doesn't know what toothpaste they use. And where did he infer he wanted executive authority to make the final decision.

Her behaviour is typical of abusers. They hate it when the victim finally gets the courage to walk away. Its hard to get another man to treat like that.

Does it? One night during the week and EOW isn't 7 days per fortnight, it's 5.

I had assumed that OP is being consistent in describing the days (because if it were two nights in the week, that would be Wed-Fri, not Wed Thur: or conversely that the Fri Mon weekend meant the DC went to XW on the Tues)

Though if I've got that completely arse-end around, I'm sure OP can clarify.

I'm interested in the academic legalities now. What if my ex signed up to a religion (unlikely) which forbade medical treatment? Could he really override my desire to get my children medical care just by phoning the Dr's? Why would his wishes trump mine anyway?
Maybe I haven't thought about it much because I only ever go for minor, routine stuff, like verrucas, fillings, minor injuries. If there was a serious issue, I don't think I would cut him out actually, you couldn't, because the child would need continuity of care in each household. it's just that the current care is what I view as mundane really.
I'm a bit scared now, anywhere I can read up about this?

Most of the separated parenting and parenting rights websites have pages describing what Parental Responsibility means in practice.

In terms of which parent trumps the other, neither do - if parents can't agree, a court decides - but, both parents have the right to object, and treatment shouldn't be given unless both parents consent.

While in most cases it's not a problem, if a parent is being routinely cut out of their DCs life, that parent can notify the DCs GP, school etc that they do not give consent for treatment etc without discussion first. It's up to the professionals whether they choose to go ahead with treatment and risk legal action by the parent.

Some GP practices insist on both parents (even in two parent homes) actively giving permission for vaccinations, for instance, because it has resulted in legal action against medical professionals in the past.

A school local to me was recently embroiled in a nasty court case after they took the word of a hostile mother and excluded the DCs father from the DCs school life. The father, quite rightly, took legal action to insist.

Oh I read it as Mon and Tues with Mum, Weds and Thurs with Dad, and alternating 3 day weekends.

the children Wed/Thur night every week and every other weekend Fri-Mon

I read that as the following nights over 2 weeks:
Week 1: Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun
Week 2: Wed, Thu
That's 7 nights out of every 14.