Ex-wife completely ignoring me even regarding children

[Markb123]

Hi,

I appreciate it's mainly a mums site this one, but would appreciate your advice. My Ex-wife and I have been separated for over a year (I left her) and divorce proceedings are on-going still. We have 3 children together (9, 8 and 6).

At the start of the separation she made it clear to me if I left she didn't want to see me or speak to me ever again. I argued we needed to speak to actually communicate about the children welfare/education/etc. However she has kept true to her word, when I go to pick up the kids she is in a separate room, avoids being seen by me at all costs, runs away if I happen to get to the door while she is walking past.

I thought this was a phase that wouldn't go on forever, but she just cannot communicate. Even via email she rarely responds and takes days/weeks to do it which is concerning over children health matters for instance.

Is this remotely normal behaviour? She was very controlling in nature, is this just an extension of that control? I find it very frustrating because I just don't understand it. She emotionally abused me for years during the marriage and seems to think she is the one who had been wronged is my opinion?

Thanks for any comments!

When a woman comes onto mumsnet to ask for advise after she has left her EA or controlling arse of an exhusband nobody goes on asking about whether she screwed another man and that's why her ex is being an arsehole, so why do people keep asking a male poster. Women are arseholes too you know.

It has nothing to do with the situation.

Sending an app, to the high school sounds like a really bad idea. That could come of as you being controlling if it goes to court. Look at your Childrens school website, it will tell you important dates. Go to them. Ring up their dentist see when they're last appointment was. You've tried too communicate she won't have it, yes it's not ideal but there is ways around it.

As much as possible, please don't grill the children for information that you can get elsewhere. It may be that she has (wrongly) told them not to tell you anything. You don't want them to feel they're in the middle. Let your children's schools and health care providers know that you will need separate letters or notification of attendance, visits, grades, whatever as their mother will not communicate with you.

If she won't communicate, parent independently and let her know what you are doing.

" has bleeding gums, I have booked with Dr YY for ."

"I have booked visits with

Secondary school is a biggie. The decision has to be made all of you together
Presumably you have 11 months to sort this out though? (Y5 now).
As you each have 7/14 nights, presumably application can be made from either address. Which parent gets child benefit (if either eligible)?

Blatantly partial responses on here. I don't think you've had a fair hearing on here at all op.

Agree with Across to try to be the bigger person. I think one positive is she is facilitating contact between you and the kids - Or at least not blocking it. Phew. One down, a million to go...

I've been sorting out my house to sell and was simply amazed to find exercise books that ex and I filled out during our times with the kids ; then handed it over with the kids. Reading them you'd think we were getting on marvelously but the truth is we loathed one another. I set up the log to ensure info was passed sans emotion. It certainly worked from what I can see (tho we were both acutely aware this was a written log that could be used in evidence should either of us choose to go legal).

Talking of which, I do think you have a case, particularly if it looks like she may choose a high school without informing you (but also not consulting you about the minutiae of the kids lives). Perhaps consult a lawyer to see where you stand. (i'm assuming you're in Scotland (?) but in England it's fairly straightforward to get a first half hour free of charge with a family lawyer to see if you have a case. Family lawyers from the Family Law Association are bound by a code of practise that won't initiate legal proceedings needlessly, so rest assured you won't be left wrangling while your lawyers line their pockets.)

That said, getting legal can look an extremely aggressive act, sadly. But it's the only way of all else has failed.

So, have you tried 'all else'? It's sounds like you have. But have you been accusatory, grouchy, infuriated, irritable etc. ( You'd be a saint of you weren't btw re most separated /divorced couples are revolting to one another.) Do try to be placatory (without being patronising...) and not aggressive. You will be doing it for your kids, not you (or her).

So do all you possibly can to effect calm and measured communication. If, at the very end of the line, that doesn't work then you have no choice but to go legal. Even then, don't be aggressive.

I was surplus to her requirements in all areas. That's why it's confusing she's upset as her life must be pretty much the same now as when i was in it.

She's furious that you actually had the balls to leave her. Control and abuse. She thought that threat not to speak to you would make you stay.

Many like to keep up the pretence of a happy family, and it's also because she would not find another man who would tolerate her abuse..... there was a poster her whose wife abused and swore vole things at him, yet she didn't want him to leave.

Well done for escaping her abuse anyway. Kids need to see healthy relationships, or the cycle just repeats.

My brother left his wife and she's not great at responding to his texts about the kids. That kind of behaviour just reaffirms that leaving was the right thing and he says he can't wait till his youngest is 16 and he doesn't have to speak to her again.

Ive told him that there will be other reasons like university drops, graduation and the rest. I see his frustration with it all. She also didn't want him to leave, buthe'd had enough.

Don't think I'm your ex, but, I absolutely will not ever speak to my ex again. I don't need to. If I really have to discuss anything child related, I do so by email. I do it this way because he is a spectacular liar who will twist anything you say to suit himself, and will gaslight you. So face to face communication is not an option. I also will not even see him at pick up and drop off, and if I see him in the street, will cross the road. It didn't start off this way, but these days I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. I might if he wasn't on fire though.

Havif been the one dumped holding the baby I couldn't bare ex coming so his DM came to collect DS sometimes wounds are hard to heal and time away help us heal. I don't think you need to be in constant contact email should be enough or the odd text but not all the time. Now I see ex regularly and feel nothing but took me a good year to get over the devastion and hurt he caused me.

Oh WOW Mumsnet, give the poor guy a break! Not all men are bastards!

OP for what it's worth, your Ex is being unreasonable whether or not you cheated/left her for the OW. You both need to be civil and at a bare minimum be able to discuss the care of your children!

Sorry can't give answer on how long her unreasonable behaviour will continue!

When a woman comes onto mumsnet to ask for advise after she has left her EA or controlling arse of an exhusband nobody goes on asking about whether she screwed another man and that's why her ex is being an arsehole, so why do people keep asking a male poster. Women are arseholes too you know. It has nothing to do with the situation.

This thread has been so sad and frustrating to read. So true, a woman wouldn't be asked if there was a OM. Some of you need to stop the witch hunt.

Situations like this are usually so emotionally complex, that it is difficult to really give meaningful feedback. We do not have all of the information here.

From what you've said above, I think it is a bit weird that she is basically 'hiding' from you, not talking to you or answering your messages. My sister's husband was a complete git (cheated) and left when the kids were tiny, but despite hating him she was always cordial and 'normal' in front of the kids, for their sakes.

It's probably because she is hurt and angry with you. Even if it wasn't all your fault and she was unreasonable in the relationship, it's still horrible to be left by your husband, particularly when children are involved. She is probably devastated that this has happened in her life and to her kids.

As there is little she can do about the break-up, perhaps her way of getting back at you is to freeze you out.
Perhaps she is thinking: "You didn't want me, so now you will see what it's like not having me in your life".
Perhaps it's also a coping mechanism for her - it hurts her too much to see you, so she is blocking it out.
Perhaps you have been vile to her on a couple of occasions when she spoke to you and she feels intimidated by your anger, or is frightened of confrontation.
Perhaps she wants you to keep puzzling over why she is doing this - to keep you thinking about her. Maybe she doesn't want you to move on.
Perhaps she is worried that if she looks happy, you'll conclude that leaving her wasn't a terrible thing to do (i.e. she wants you to think it was terrible)?

I could go on and on coming up with possible reasons why she might be doing this. You will probably never know, but you will spend a lot of time puzzling over it and feeling confused.

At the end of the day, does it really matter why she is doing it? Save yourself the brain space. Just accept that she is feeling angry and upset right now, and maybe rightly so. Try not to let it get to you and keep trying to communcate. Don't show her that it puzzles or annoys you. Just be calm and cordial about it. Other people above probably have better ideas than me about alternative ways to communicate.

Hopefully it will pass.

To add to the above, based on the info you've given us (presuming you did not do anything awful or treat her badly). Yes, she is being unreasonable.

Assume your ex is taking care of everything unless she tells you otherwise.
But that's not what 50/50 care is all about. He is their father and he has the right to be included in these important decisions. She is behaving disgracefully by being so awkward. It is irrelevant why you split up, the fact is you have, and she should be putting her children's needs above her own.

There is no point in visiting secondary schools when he will get no say in the decision. You can't just go ahead and make the decision on your own.
If you can find out which dentist your children see, you can contact them to ask when they last had an appointment.

I don't know what you can do. It's not normal or acceptable behaviour, but you can't change it. I would keep communication to a minimum and keep it short, clear and polite. Hopefully she will calm down at some point.

When a woman comes onto mumsnet to ask for advise after she has left her EA or controlling arse of an exhusband nobody goes on asking about whether she screwed another man and that's why her ex is being an arsehole, so why do people keep asking a male poster. Women are arseholes too you know. It has nothing to do with the situation.

Agree totally.^^^^^^^

It's the usual double standard including asking what the Ex would say if she was posting. I don't see it asked in the reverse.

Weird. I don't involve ex in any decisions. I have no idea if he cares or not. It isn't in any way to punish him in some way, I just take the view that I am perfectly capable of organising things, and have every right to do so as its in the best interests of my children that they get healthcare and are educated. Why would I discuss a trip to the doctors with ex first?
I don't even see the dentist as an important decision worthy of discussion. In fact, I idly wonder why he can't be bothered to consider it himself, he must surely book his own appointments, why doesn't he bother looking out for the kids? In my case the High school choice was the catchment school anyway. I guess if the kids chose a school with poor transport links and it would have affected exh I might have involved him then.
I think if I moved away, got a different job with weird hours or something I might open discussions then.
I also don't discuss Xmas presents - I just discuss that with the kids. I do discuss Xmas and holiday arrangements in advance though. In writing.

It's just her way of coping OP, I do this too, when someone has let me down, (no judgment on who has let who down) I detach myself from them, I can't bring myself to speak to them or even look at them. I even pretend they are dead and no matter how many years go by, I will not let things go. I'm not proud of this behaviour but it's just the way Iam.

I'm imagining how I would be as an ex with children and I think I'd be like your wife, there would be no arguing, ,abuse, stalking, no drama whatsoever, but it would kill me to look you in the eye and even answer your questions. I'd possibly be able to do one word answers to your questions, but my main priority would be to get you away from me. I'm puzzled why a formal, text is being ignored because this would be my lifeline to keep you away from my door.Other posters have given you ideas for accessing important information I'd use these ways.Id like to tell you, she may get better over time, but if she's anything like me and I hope she isn't, she won't come round, it's not in her nature.

I don't even see the dentist as an important decision worthy of discussion. In fact, I idly wonder why he can't be bothered to consider it himself, he must surely book his own appointments, why doesn't he bother looking out for the kids?

Yes, my ex did that. Registered DD under his and his DW name at their dentists. I had no idea. Came as a bit of a shock to the Dental Practice to discover that DD actually had a mother. I ended up having to get solicitors involved so I could access the records about her treatment and what was being proposed. Good job I found out in advance, otherwise she'd have turned up having had extractions.

Do you really want to be excluded from your DCs dental/medical care ?

OP - this must be really frustrating. Most people manage to suppress their anger at their ex after divorce for the sake of the children. It's not easy - but our kids are more important than us, right?

Unless there is something you are not telling us about your behaviour, your ex sounds like she has long-standing issues regarding control. I doubt this is going to change in the foreseeable future.

With that in mind, your job is to be the role model of a responsible adult to your children - they need this more than ever. Keep informing your ex of your plans (holidays/Christmas presents/health concerns) but don't expect a reply. Take them to the doctor/dentist if you think they need to go (if you have a good relationship with the dentist/doctor you could explain your issues).

If you feel that the situation is getting worse and that your ex is making unreasonable decisions about your children without your consent, I'm afraid seeing a lawyer is the only way forward. As others have said - keep everything documented and good luck.

This behaviour is absolutely not normal and is not healthy for the children. If she will not soften to any email pleas to do what is right by the children then I do think that your lawyer needs to be involved as part of divorce settlement. Reasonable communication to safeguard the children is only right for them. What will she do when there are any problems- bigger than bleeding gums. I think this behaviour is outrageous really on her part. Whatever the history it is her duty to support the children.

Can you not ask the kids if they've been to the dentist? Or what schools they've been looking at?

Some practical information on school's admissions:

The only address which can be used is that where the DC are normally resident. The 'tie-break' when needed is distance from the school.

It doesn't matter how close you have moved. If the school is too far away from where the DC live, they will not be offered a place and it's just a wasted choice in the applications form.

Have you actually researched the admissions criteria for all the schools radiating out from where the DC live? And visited all those where there's a chance they would be offered a place?

I'm afraid, you see, on this bit it does sound as if you're expecting someone to serve up all the info to you, rather than you going off and researching it yourself (no-one is born knowing this stuff).

I think it is totally normal to be somewhat dismissive if someone tries to raise entirely 'unicorn' views (such as wholly unrealistic school choices). And you might find that the way ahead is to go for email contact, and work on improving timeliness of exchanges.

If there are any other themes, like admissions processes, where you don't actually know important aspects, you need to get yourself educated in them. It can be hard to find your 'unknown unknowns' but when something is truly important to you, it can be done.

The point is Twooter, that it's not good for the kids to be questioned by each parent, it completely erodes their feelings of security. And when they become tweens and teens it's a whole different ball game. If parents are divided kids can get up to all sorts.

NNChange - I hadn't considered the legalities of it, they're with the same dentist they've always been with. Ex knows which dentist and doctor. I always took them, so nothing's changed. I never consulted him when married either, so I don't now. But you're right, I'd be bloody angry to find out the dentist and doctor had been switched without my consent or knowledge, and I would go to a solicitors if I suddenly couldn't get medical care for the kids. I hadn't realised that the OP didn't even know which dentist they were with. I would let ex know if I moved them, just not bother to mention routine appointments.

I don't recall a case when a woman has come onto MN asking for advice because she doesn't know which doctor or dentist her child has been attending for 9 years of which toothpaste her child uses. Or what are the catchment area schools / best schools in the area .

I agree with Meditirina that it sounds like the OP wants his ex to do the leg work on everything while he has executive authority on the decisions.

It sounds like he knows little of how to parent his children and he wants his ex to train him. And she's leaving him to learn it himself .

OP if you want to know what toothpaste, just ask your kids. Get them to take a photo . Or show you on Skype / FaceTime .

Your ex has made it clear that she wants minimal dealings with you . So don't hassle her about toothpaste . Save your emails for important issues and keep a cordial tone.

And don't whatever you do, go the legal route . That will end up making things even worse I promise you.