Ex-wife completely ignoring me even regarding children

[Markb123]

Hi,

I appreciate it's mainly a mums site this one, but would appreciate your advice. My Ex-wife and I have been separated for over a year (I left her) and divorce proceedings are on-going still. We have 3 children together (9, 8 and 6).

At the start of the separation she made it clear to me if I left she didn't want to see me or speak to me ever again. I argued we needed to speak to actually communicate about the children welfare/education/etc. However she has kept true to her word, when I go to pick up the kids she is in a separate room, avoids being seen by me at all costs, runs away if I happen to get to the door while she is walking past.

I thought this was a phase that wouldn't go on forever, but she just cannot communicate. Even via email she rarely responds and takes days/weeks to do it which is concerning over children health matters for instance.

Is this remotely normal behaviour? She was very controlling in nature, is this just an extension of that control? I find it very frustrating because I just don't understand it. She emotionally abused me for years during the marriage and seems to think she is the one who had been wronged is my opinion?

Thanks for any comments!

Have you a reason to think that your ex's choice of high school will be a bad one?

Only that I moved to be closer to the school we had talked about sending them to, but she may choose to send them somewhere else just because I did that move. Not the end of the world I guess.

I would just not ask her lots of these questions really. Ask your dc or just get on and do it yourself.

So should know what dentist they go to. You could book them in. If the receptionist says they have an appointment upcoming, just say to the dc to tell the dentist about the gums.

Secondary school: book an appointment to have a tour.

who gets all the correspondence regarding this stuff from school? Who sorts all the admin stuff for the kids? Who pays all the clubs etc etc?

I wouldn't worry about 'norms'. I doubt there are any, really. You need to find a way through YOUR situation.

She sounds unreasonable but you can't force her response.

I don't think there is a 'norm' as far as break ups / divorce goes. Some people are reaonable, some people aren't. Some people will 'move on' quicker than others and some people are able to put their kids first. Some aren't.

I really don't think there is much you can do OP. Welcome to the world of divorced parents.

Book the dentist and take them yourself.
Go visit secondary schools yourself.

I agree with this. It's certainly not ideal, and places the DCs "in the middle" but is the least worst option when the alternative is a parent who wants to be involved by who is being blocked and prevented from being so, leading to hostility and exclusion.

But, in terms of school choices, bear in mind the LAs application policy. Even if you have 50:50 care, they will have a way of deciding which parent they accept the form from (often the one in receipt of child benefit). Your only recourse would be a court order.

But, you can go and visit the school your DC has been accepted at before they start, ensure you are on mailing lists and context sheets and attend events independent of your ex. My DH has a very positive relationship with his DSs form tutor and subject leads, despite having had no contact with his ex for nearly 3 years.

I can totally sympathise. No idea of a solution though!

My ExH stopped all contact with me, the day that our youngest started Uni. We do still need to agree on certain things though! Recently for eg. my DD revealed that she wasn't coping on the allowance that we pay her. So, of course I wanted to ask ExH if he could up his payment and I would do the same. No reply. He literally won't engage. Can't discuss Christmas presents (to avoid duplication), can't discuss holiday dates, can't discuss where the kids will stay at Christmas etc. It's just so bloody stupid. And we've been separated for over 8 years! twat

husky to be fair, now your DC Is an adult, there is no reason for you to act in her behalf - your DD is more than capable of liaising with her Dad herself - you don't need to talk to him about those things.

I'm looking forward to the time when I no longer have to engage with my DDs dad

who gets all the correspondence regarding this stuff from school? Who sorts all the admin stuff for the kids? Who pays all the clubs etc etc?

I know many NRP who think that their ex is still their social secretary , that the RP will do all they grunt work and admin associated with parenting but the NRP will get to make all the important decisions.

I'm wondering why a 9yo is already choosing a high school - is that normal where you live ?

If the tone of your emails is critical of her and her parenting then I can understand why she doesn't reply.

I'm confused why you wouldn't know all these thing anyway If you have the children 50%of the time. So when you take them to half their dental appointments , why don't you ask the dentist ?

When you attend 50% of school events and meetings , ask the teacher ?

When you go half their dancing displays or football matches, ask the coach /teacher.

If however you don't do half these things or pay for half of them, don't expect your ex to report back to you on how she is bringing up the kids.

If you feel that the children are being neglected or abused because their education or health is neglected , then of course you should contact the relevant authorities and try to get 100% residence .

But if you ex just isn't doing things the way you want and answering your emails correctly and timeously by your standards then I'm afraid you just have to put up with it . That's divorce for you. It can be shit.

Hi Mark,

Your situation sounds a little but similar to mine except my children are older than yours. When we first split I wasted a lot of energy trying to be reasonable with my ex, only for it to be thrown back in my face on every occasion. By being reasonable, I mean I tried to keep a line of communication open despite her often being needlessly abusive and deliberately unhelpful. I kept on trying because I believed that it is in the best interests of my children that we communicate. She too is very controlling and I think feels powerful rage at me because I had the strength to leave the relationship.

After about eighteen months of this, I came to the conclusion that trying to communicate with someone like this is a pointless and futile exercise and that most of my attempts at communication would end with me feeling upset in some way by the abuse. A typical encounter would start with me saying that it was in the best interests of our children that we were civil with each other and cooperated where they were concerned. This quickly degenerated into a diatribe from her about all the things that I had done wrong in the past that were 'unforgivable' and that we would never be able to be civil to each other again.

So I changed strategy and stopped communicating with her except when it is absolutely necessary. This works OK but is not ideal and is the lesser of two evils. My kids all have phones so we sort out when they are staying through messaging. Everytime I have an interaction with her now, I am thankful that I do not communicate with her more often.

My advice would be to take control from her by not pandering to her frankly bizarre and rather childish behavour. This will be difficult with children of the ages that you mention but will be the best strategy for your sanity in the long term. Accept that she won't change, deal with it as best you can and move on.

Thanks ElBurroSinNombre I think you're right and the other replies as well it's just one of those things I can't do anything about.

In reply to some, yes I do attend the school meetings I arrange. I will have to do dentist and doctor as well I feel, even if I may be duplicating when the dcs go with the exw as I get some information from the dc (e.g. I need a special toothpaste - but not which one).

I just feel that there is a sensible way of doing things, but as everyone quite rightly points out, everything is different from the different points of view and she may be feeling this is her sensible way.

Thanks for all your replies. Overall I think I am changing my mind that initially I thought my exw thought of this as a way to control me further, but it is probably just the way she feels is the way she needs to act.

How often do you have the children?
I ask because as the parent that does all the grunt work, all the admin, organisation etc, I wonder how much she consulted you before you split? If she was doing everything, I can see why she wouldn't be used to consulting or informing you of what was happening.

PhilODox a valid point as she did everything in the marriage without consulting me, which is the main reason I left as i couldn't do anything myself, I was surplus to her requirements in all areas. That's why it's confusing she's upset as her life must be pretty much the same now as when i was in it. I'm so much happier being out of that environment, and I feel I can actually get involved in doing things.

We're you surplus to the children's requirements? Seems an odd reason to leave, but I appreciate we don't know the ins and outs, or what that was like day-to-day for you, sorry.

Well if she did everything is the marriage but still had to " consult " you, I'm not suprised she doesn't feel the need to account to you anymore .

You haven't answered anyone who has asked you how much you actually have your children.

You left her and you expect her to talk to you, why would she? I feel she may be doing this as she's trying to get over the pain you have caused her by dumping her and wants to now forget you completely so she can move on. Feel that you do still care for her as you want to still maintain some sort of communication with her. Must say it's a difficult one but maybe getting the info you need out of your 9 year old or doing it yourself will make life easier alittle and don't too much about her behaviour or you'll go nuts.

I have the children Wed/Thur night every week and every other weekend Fri-Mon

I think 'she had to do everything in the marriage' could be read two ways, Im0gen - either the OP's wife had to do everything because he couldn't be bothered/expected her to do all the domestic or family stuff, OR she insisted on doing it all. The OP says she was controlling, which makes me assume the latter not the former.

Well if she did everything is the marriage but still had to " consult " you, I'm not suprised she doesn't feel the need to account to you anymore .

Okay maybe I should explain a little more - I wasn't lazy and left it all to her. She didn't let me do anything, literally she would push me out of the way of the computer to do things at their worst. One of our biggest arguments I wanted to do the ironing and she refused to let me, to the point she tried to grab it from my hand, then stormed out drove away for 3 hours. I know it sounds weird... trying living in that environment.... I couldn't buy anything for myself, she spent all the money, it was just crazy

The OP said he is 50/50 involved in the children's lives.

Must be a nightmare to do this when the other parent is saying nothing and not wanting to communicate at all.

I think you will just have to take them to the dentist if you notice anything rather than asking her, does sound like she is not wanting to be forthcoming perhaps she even likes the attention or drama associated with it - who knows.

But surely she has to communicate with you on schools given the 50/50 status.

No idea why the OW comment has appeared, every single time a male single parent or step mum posts, it's some comment about the OW. Some women do walk out on their children, some are utter arseholes and it's really frustrating, that it is always assumed it's the dads fault or step mums fault. It's also quite irrelevant to what the OP is asking for advise or support on IMO.

Despite being a parent you might get more advise on the step parent forum as lots of us have had to work through conflict.

Controlling partners try to gradually remove your influence over every aspect of your life - I can completely relate to what Mark is saying. You end up feeling completely powerless and have little or no say in decision making.
The partner is trying to carry on controlling Mark through his children (IMO). By not communicating with him he has no input into decisions that are made about them, all he can do is watch helplessly and find out after the event. If he tries to take an active interest it is likely that the ex will blind side him by taking more control away. I remember once I took my son to the doctor's about something, my ex then very quickly changed surgeries to one close to her house.
In my situation, control after separation was also exerted by not letting me know when I was expected to have my kids making it very difficult to plan my life around my job, interests and child contact.
All I can suggest is that you accept that she won't act like a reasonable person and adopt some coping strategies. Your kids will grow up and will be able to look at the situation in a more adult way in the future. They may then question (as mine are) whether your partner has always acted in their best interests.

Of course nine year old visit high schools, the visits are done in year 5.

I thînk that partly you have to trust her to be a good mother and do the best for the kids. Regarding school choices she will in conjunction with the DC pick the best school. Im Sure she wouldn't be malicious enough to pick a shit school to piss you off?? So unless you think she would don't sweat it.

Talk to the DC, ask them which schools they've visited, which they like best, where their friends are going, etc. I'm very much still married and to be honest never involved Dh with school choices. He just trusted me to get on with it.

Ask the kids if they've been to the dentist. If they haven't and you think they need to go then take them. Email her and say you will be taking them on x date.

Op just get an application form for the school and apply. Then email your ex

Was there another woman?