Being unlovable and unloved

[WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic]

I can't come to terms with it.

I get it, I understand it, I know what it means, I accept it. But I can't come to terms with it. I can't make peace with it. I can't switch off wishing it were different. My heart is heavy.

Something happened this year that gave me cause to think I might be wrong, and that it could be different, but it really just served to show that I was right after all.

If you've accepted this about yourself and come to terms with it, how did you do it? Because I can't.

Charlotte Maybe. I had just really taken it as a sign that I should just accept that it was never going to happen and that he was just one more man doing what men (IME) do. I know he isn't 'like that' generally, so I took it that he was just one more person who didn't think I was worth any more than that; that I really wasn't deserving of a good, decent, kind, intelligent and successful man.

Posting on here, and reading the replies, I can see that some of that thinking might be a bit distorted.

Yeah, it probably is. It's easy to see why you can think like that, though. I lived in one place for three years, met a lot of people and only clicked with one person. In all that time. And even now, I'm not sure there's anyone who really "gets" me. So at times I've felt the same as you have.

But it doesn't bother me any more. I get me, and if friends/acquaintances get it too wrong, I can set them right. Like the being off radar thing. In the past, I'll have moped that nobody noticed and they're all having fun while I'm feeling ill. Now I tell someone in passing, then or after the event and file away their response mentally under "see, people do care!"

There are a number of threads on here about having no friends, actually, and they're worth a read for a reminder that people do let their busy lives get in the way of keeping up friendships. Sometimes it seems you just have to work at it for years. Life really needs a thick skin sometimes!

I think you sound lovely and rather interesting. But what is coming across from your posts is that you are really stuck in some unhelpful thought patterns and have a tendency to draw general conclusions from a one off event.
I have parents who were not helpful in the way they loved me when I was growing up and as a child and adult have also found it terribly hard to make friends. I could probably do with some therapy too.
One helpful thing I do have is that I like to look for ways to mother myself - making sure I eat, wrap up warm, have the occasional treat, cherish myself a little bit. Another is to deliberately look for moments of joy- when I see something I love-like a flower, or a child says something funny, or a cat purring or sharing a smile with a stranger over something- it makes the world a friendlier place

Yes, Bluepowder, I think I probably am stuck in unhelpful thought patterns.

I've been told about the 'mothering' thing before. I do try to do those things, but it is really difficult to neglect yourself, isn't it? Sometimes I'm brilliant at it and, at others, I'm a bit rubbish at it and will eat nothing but hashbrowns and ketchup all day Sunday (not that that is always a bad thing... )

I do make sure I notice the small stuff too. When I first separated, that was the thing that I noticed the most. It took about 6 months for me to stop feeling utterly elated all day every day. It took me a while to 'come down' and find a new normal tbh. But at that time, I felt like i was viewing the world in a state of hyper reality and everything was wonderful!

Noticing the small stuff was something that stuck and I'm a great believer in the whole 'small acts of kindness' for random strangers kind of thing. All of it makes the world a friendlier place , you are absolutely right!

I think it's the contradiction between the two sides of me that I struggle with the most. I feel like I do all the stuff that you're advised to do with regards to raising self esteem, appreciating what you have, being grateful, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone at times etc, the best I can, but it's not having any of the impact on me that I was hoping for.

That's not the only reason I do things though. I do them because I pretty much always have done. But now I do it more 'mindfully', I suppose.

Sorry, really easy to neglect yourself!