Ex wants to see DS after a year of no contact.

[Ohb0llocks]

Very long so apologies in advance!

Some may remember my previous posts on here about DS (2, 3 in Jan) and his dad.

Trying not to drop feed, exP was emotionally abusive when we were together and physically on a few occasions (police were never involved). He was barely at home out every weekend taking drugs, cheating, god knows what else. On one occasion he called DS a 'fucking retard' when he was around 4/5 months old.

We split up 2 years and 2 months ago, and up until last September he had contact each weekend, Saturday 9-6, then changed to Fri 6pm to sat 6pm in April 2015.

I facilitated this contact, did all pick ups and drop offs (45 mile round trip), provided everything DS needed in terms of food, nappies, clothes, bottles and formula (When he needed them). I received no maintenance as he wasn't working. He refused to have DS on various occasions when he'd been arrested, was hungover, still partying, or even on one occasion had sunburn

Last September I wrote My car off, therefore was unable to take DS to contact. He took this as me stopping seeing him and because very abusive, calling me names, saying DS probably wasn't his, then didn't get in contact for a month. He then got back in touch apologising promising the earth etc. Never ended up materialising as he got drunk and started sending abusive texts and emails. I informed the police and blocked his number/email.

He has been in touch a few times since then, none of which to enquire about DS, just to give me grief, insult me, and inform me that when he did see DS he would tell him 'his mummy is a cock loving slut' and take him and not return him. Each time I have reported this to the police.

I received a letter requesting I attend mediation in May, where then I spoke to a solicitor who advised me to decline this on the grounds of his emotional abuse which I did. We then wrote out to him offering supervised access in a contact centre, which he did not respond to.

Fast forward to today, I receive a phone call which is him. He apologised for everything. Asked how DS is. Told him he is fine, and doing very well at nursery, bright etc. He then asks how he can see him, says he will jump through every hoop. Informed him I don't know where to go from here, as this is the exact same conversation we had last year. Asked how long it would be before he didn't get his own way and became abusive again, and lo and behind 'he's changed'. Asked him why he never responded to the solicitors letter and he said 'my mates said that's where crackheads see their kids so I didn't bother'... wow.

Unsure where to go from here, he doesn't want to go through 'all the legal bullshit' as he calls it.

I don't want to deny the chance for DS to make his own decisions when he is old enough. However I have to protect him from being used as a pawn against his Mother, and myself, from the stress and anxiety this 'man' puts me through, and the threats he has made to not return DS to my care if he does have contact.

Any advice would be so appreciated

Will try to keep everything by text.

My heart is breaking for DS he's completely oblivious to the upheaval his little life is about to have

That's a classic tactic unfortunately, make you behave for an easier life and then they have all the control and have everything their way. A normal person wouldn't need you to "play ball" in order to not receive abuse.

There needn't be any upheaval for your DS if you don't want. You can say "contact centre or nothing" and leave it. You don't have to get involved! You don't have to deal with his crap anymore, he has no power over you.

The question I would be asking is do you think he will take this to court? Can he be bothered?

I would say you are doing the correct thing in offering supervised access and only that until he gets himself a solicitor and a court date comes through.

It is imperative you keep all evidence to show the courts.

This man is no loss to your son. Do not believe that he has changed from the EA twit he was previously. This is simply a ploy to get you back in side.

Sure, he will not like it once you tell him it's supervised and then court but it's almost like you are afraid to tell him incase you rock the boat.

The boat will certainly rock when you tell him and his mask will fall.

Do not offer to facilitate contact either. He has so far taken advantage of your kind nature but you need to stop that. He no longer controls you.

Stay strong. And hope he disappears

How long usually can a contact centre be used for?

I'm honestly not sure if he would take it to court or not. He hasn't thus far...

If it does go to court and he's been having supervised access for x amount of time what's the likelihood that court would grant more/unsupervised access?

Bumping

I have no experience with contact centres but thought I'd give you a bump for the morning!

Hope you're doing ok

Is his abusive behaviour well documented so that the court would take this into account in a hearing?

There's no time limit on contact centres afaik, in some situations where unsupervised contact can never happen they will be used throughout but what is usual is that after an agreed period of compliance there is a next step e.g. supervised but not in contact centre.

We used contact centre for 4 months..Ex pulled out at that point..There was no conversations from that point about moving contact on anywhere. This wasn't court ordered.

Starlight does ex bother at all? Had odd texts from him today and it seems he feels guilty about not seeing DS, and mentioned he can't have another child until he has DS in his life due to this. I'm wondering if that's what has spurred things on.

Is there any other way apart from court to get a legally binding agreement? I.e. Where if he took DS the police could get involved?

No nc..I did after a while do contact at soft play for 2 hours a fortnight with Ex Mil supervising..however it was very infrequent and eventually died off.

Any more advice would be appreciated.

DS has spoken to him on the phone once and face timed once. He was happy to do so. I mentioned maybe he could see his dad and he was happy with the idea until he realised I wouldn't be there and sobbed. I reassured him and stopped pushing the issue.

FF to today, tried speaking to DS about the situation again; the best I can given his age, tried to make it sound exciting and happy for him and got an unexpected reaction, he doesn't like his daddy, he doesn't want to see him he just wants DP to be his best friend (he knows DP isn't his dad). Then told me he wasn't talking to me, so I didn't push the issue any more.

I honestly didn't think he would react like this and kind of hoped he still had some sort of memories but he doesn't and he isn't happy about the situation at all, and I've absolutely no idea what to do.

Well Stop acting like it's a fait d'accompli for a start!

Let ex go to court, why on earth are you so keen on this?

Don't respond to ex idiot. I don't understand why you would when you blocked his number/email, how did he get in touch? Ignore then if he insists, tell him contact centre. Your ds is 2, he can't be handed over to a stranger.

However I have to protect him from being used as a pawn against his Mother, and myself, from the stress and anxiety this 'man' puts me through, and the threats he has made to not return DS to my care if he does have contact.

Where did all this resolve go???

Elspeth the resolve has gone because I know if it goes to court he will get access, and I don't want this to be any harder than it has to be.

Cherry I'm not going to send my DS with him before he gets to know him.!im just looking for advice on the best way to do so.

How do you know he will get access if this goes to court?

You've got to fight for your sons wellbeing and if he is obv horrified at the thought of seeing his dad then forget trying to put a positive face on it with him again!

Simple one this, just NO.

He claims to have 'turned over a new leaf' but he is essentially asking for a 'second chance' from a two year old child who will be severely hurt and let down if it turns out this 'father ' is just the same as he always was.

On that basis alone I wouldn't make it easy for him. I would probably go to court to let them decide knowing that the process takes forever and hoping he'll get bored so not see it through. However, it's a risk - the court might allow more access than you would. But at least it stretches the whole thing out and you can protect your son for longer.

The alternative is you sort it out between you. Tell him, 'if you're serious about building a relationship with your son then this is what will happen. Firstly you build a relationship via Skype. Then it's supervised access with me present for as long as that takes. Then we see where we are.' If he's really changed he will go along with that. If he hasn't he will show his true colours soon enough.

Keep detailed records of all contact!

There is absolutely zero evidence he will get unsupervised access. And zero reason to think he will even attend the supervised access he will certainly have to attend first.

Re-read from start. Stay strong. Don't allow him into your head space 💐

I've got an appointment with a solicitor next week, but thought it would be a good idea to gather other opinions and see if anyone had been in the same situation.

I'm torn with what to do, I think DS's reaction is more because he doesn't like any change, he's happy and comfortable with DP and I and he doesn't remember his dad (he's not even 3 yet)

He said to you just last week that he "doesn't want to go through all that legal bullshit"

He is a physically abusive druggie with a history of arrests as recent as last year - and more recently for all you know.

Yet he tells you he's "changed" and you are suddenly hopping to it to set up Skype calls with him?? WTF is all that about?

I mean you couldn't have reacted quicker if he'd hypnotised you!

If I were you, I would:

1. Stop mentioning the chance of contact to your son- it could only confuse him. Do not discuss anything until it is court ordered and a certainty.
2. Do not contact your ex again. Only go through your solicitor. Block his number. Protect yourself from his emotional abuse.
3. Book in for therapy for yourself- see your GP for a referral/pay privately. Your reaction suggests he is still controlling you and you are scared of him- it must be so distressing for you but you MUST equip yourself to cope with this in a more robust way.

Good luck.

I thought if I mentioned it to DS and let him speak to his dad he might become more comfortable with it. I don't want to make any decisions until I see my solicitor but on the other hand I want to go in with a clear head of what I should be asking for.

I don't want to make any decisions that DS may not agree with in the future.

You are his mother, he is only 2, you cannot place any decision making upon him. YOU make the choices (as much as you can) and you cannot involve him in any decision making. It's deeply unfair to him, he doesn't understand.

I really feel for you as you're obviously very affected by what he did to you, but you can't let him dictate to you, and telling him you are going through solicitors will be enough to put him off anyway.

The man is a drug taking, irresponsible, non-paying waste of space. You may not be able to stop him seeing your son, but you certainly can do everything you can to ensure it is done in a safe way. And that means contact centres, supervised access and nothing until it is court ordered!

Yes I agree, he is 2, you need to make the decisions for what is right for him. Don't bring this up in conversation with your ds because he is only 2 and it all might come to nothing anyway. All you need to concentrate on is protecting your son and do not make allowances for your ex. It isn't always best for the dad to be involved if they are a nightmare or abusive. It's best for your ds to not be involved in all that.