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Original poster

My boyfriend has let his house to an ex

101 replies

widgie · 26/10/2016 23:45

I started a relationship with a single guy I met online and he said that he had planned to rent his house to go travelling . When we got together he said that he would get the house so we could share accommodation and I could see his life and country. (He lives in Bermuda) We had a small misunderstanding and he reverted to letting his house and staying in s small apartment in his stepmothers large house as s base. Six months into the relationship I discover that he did in fact let it to an ex who wants him back . I was distraught but we hobbled along as we have a bond, the ex has since moved out and he now wants to come to the uk to stay with me for a while. However I can't seem to forgive or forget the situation and that's all we argue about. I've been to stay with him in his friends apartment and his poky apartment but I resent the fact that I didn't stay in his house so why should he stay in mine , AIBU

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/10/2016 09:52

You seem to have blown this out of all proportion.

He was letting his house to his sister and his ex. That's fine. It's his house, he can let it to whomever he wants - and as his ex had previously looked after it, she was probably the easiest tenant. You can have a purely professional relationship with your tenant.

When you visited, the house was not free. It was rented out. It was not his to put you in. It would be like if my landlord decided he wanted someone to stay here - he can't; legally this is my home until the end of the agreement.

Do you have an issue with him having exes at all? Would you rather he wasn't in contact with them? That isn't something you can enforce, but if it's going to cause big issues for you, you're better to end this now and look for someone else. You may have to accept that a lot of people in their 40s and 50s have baggage, though.

You've twisted it into some strange challenge, where he allocated empty houses to women and gave you the worst one. That isn't realistic.

I'm surprised he's stayed around for you to be so irrationally angry for so long, if I'm honest. Infact, the reasonable concern here would be whether he's put up with your complaints and arguments just so that he can come live with you in the UK, because you'd have exhausted most people's patience by now.

It's advisable to stop drinking if it's causing fights, too. That sounds like the start of problem drinking.

Joysmum · 27/10/2016 10:08

I'm a LL you can't just ask people to leave your property.

He's not living there himself with the sister and ex.

He's got steady rent coming in and his friends apartment will probably have cost less than the income he made. It's better to rent to people you think will pay you.

I think you are massively overreacting too, I'd be surprised if there were many who didn't think that. My own DH would no qualms at me renting one of my properties to an ex and all mine are within 1 mile of my home) as long as I thought they'd be a good tenant.

TBH I think you've got issues, especially your tit for tat attitude of he can't stay at mine be as I didn't stay at his! Confused

Original poster
widgie · 27/10/2016 10:12

As regards exes I'm not allowed to talk to mine anymore (the one I've remained friends with ) as he is the jelous type
I'm a landlord too but this was a verbal non binding agreement

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 27/10/2016 10:16

Why are you with this man? Why are you in a relationship?

And dont answer 'cos I love him' or 'I don't want to be lonely' it has to be something really worth holding onto

Simonneilsbeard · 27/10/2016 10:16

I think you are massively overreacting.
You've only been with the guy for a few months so I wouldn't be considering him as your 'partner' at this stage, especially when you add the fact that youve spent so little time together due to the distance. He's really not under any obligation to tell you who he's renting his house to.
My relationship was long distance for 4 years, if I had doubts like this so early on I'd have ended it.
It really sounds like petty jealousy to me.

Original poster
widgie · 27/10/2016 10:16

It's not so much that he rented his house to another but someone who wants him back and has bad mouthed me by his own admission she had been dripping poison in his ear about me and she doesn't even know me

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 27/10/2016 10:17

Have you sent this man any money?

Original poster
widgie · 27/10/2016 10:18

I'm wanting to believe I'm being unreasonable but it's my emotions that are hurt and that is just below the surface one scratch or a drink brings it out

OP posts:
Simonneilsbeard · 27/10/2016 10:19

Tbh this sounds exhausting

Original poster
widgie · 27/10/2016 10:19

No money spent on him

OP posts:
Original poster
widgie · 27/10/2016 10:20

I'm grateful for your opinions btw I just need to pull myself together and accept it or move on

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/10/2016 10:27

He wants to come to UK, you have space to accommodate him and sound rather more committed than he is. Does he have an independent right to live and work in UK? Have you only seen him in Bermuda? If you came off the site together how come he is still actively looking on POF? Honestly, he sounds like a player not a keeper, you'd be better off ending it and moving on.

NoFuchsGiven · 27/10/2016 10:28

what a load of fuss over nothing Hmm

Original poster
widgie · 27/10/2016 10:30

He isn't on a dating site as far as I'm aware

OP posts:
Original poster
widgie · 27/10/2016 10:30

He can live and work here of his own accord he is technically British

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/10/2016 10:31

You've let someone who you've spent just over 30 days with tell you that you can't speak to your exes?

He's told you in that time that his ex wants him back and is badmouthing you?

This isn't a match made in heaven. This isn't a match at all. Forget about Bermuda housing laws, cancel his invitation to join you and move on. Leaving the weird house nonsense out of it, he's jealous and controlling, and he seems far more interested in staying with you in the UK than actually in you.

Original poster
widgie · 27/10/2016 10:32

I'm surprised that no one feels as I do if it were their partner

OP posts:
Giselaw · 27/10/2016 10:35

You really don't need strangers' opinions.

You feel he crossed a line.

You feel it was unacceptable.

And that's fine. You are allowed to feel that way and end the relationship because he has crossed a line you feel is innapropriate.

It doesn't matter if a bunch of strangers on here feel different and have different boundaries. It doesn't matter if in the same situation, I would be bothered.

You were. And it is ok to end the relationship because he lied to you just months in.

It would be a deal breaker for me too.

So, why haven't you ended it? He lied, he crossed a line, you've not forgotten or forgiven. Why are you still in the relationship?

Original poster
widgie · 27/10/2016 10:39

Because I fell for him and I'm trying to adjust to the situation rather badly as it happens

OP posts:
redisthenewblack · 27/10/2016 10:45

OP I'm not sure what you are hoping to achieve here. You have been given a lot of advice which you seem to want to ignore. You seem to have resigned yourself to letting this eat you up and won't take any other advice.

You're clearly upset about the situation with his ex, but you have choices, speak to him about it and get over it, get some counselling for your paranoia and jealousy and move on, or leave him.

However, judging by your previous replies I don't think you're going to do any of those, and you will continue to let this simmer under the surface making little digs at him till he walks.

FWIW, I'd be leaving him on the basis of him telling me who I could/couldn't speak to rather than anything to do with his house/ex. You do know that's one of the major red flags of emotional abuse don't you?

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 27/10/2016 11:11

I'm 47 and think you are over reacting massively to the house situation. You really don't have any right to tell him what to do with his own property.
However, him telling you that you can't speak to your exes while he's fine with his ex, is also u reasons and I wouldn't be happy with that either - in fact if someone a few months in was trying to dictate to me who I could and couldn't speak to I would bin them for that as to me it indicates a controlling, potentially abusive person.

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 27/10/2016 11:12

unreasonable not u reasons. Bloody iPhone.

Giselaw · 27/10/2016 11:32

"Because I fell for him and I'm trying to adjust to the situation rather badly as it happens."

No, you've fallen for an idea. You don't actually know this person yet. Adjusting to the situation? Of someone crossing your boundary and lying to you? You want to adjust your self esteem, worth and lower your expectations. Yes well, I doubt you will find this forum very supportive.

AyeAmarok · 27/10/2016 11:41

You've spent a month with this guy?

You obviously don't trust him, so just end it.

Not worth the drama.

ShotsFired · 27/10/2016 12:15

Let's be kindly but coldly objective here (because I know it is so difficult to see the wood for the trees when you are in the middle of the forest)

You met this man - I'll call him Bob - online.
You have been together 6 months, but only seen each for a total for 38 days.
Bob lives in Bermuda, where he has family, an ex and a sister.
Bob rented his house out to the ex and sister, and lied to you about it.
When you visited Bob, you had to stay in a horrid apartment because Bob couldn't just evict his tenants. This has pissed you off massively.
The ex-gf is now telling Bob all sorts about you. And he is listening. AND telling you this.
Bob now wants to come and stay with you in the UK for a month, which seems pretty random. Does he not have a job or life to attend to in Bermuda?

In that cold light, what really do you have? A Bob who is settled in Bermuda with a life and homes there. A daily phone call and a month of actual contact spread vs 5 of only electronic contact. Unless you are on all the dating sites, how do you know Bob isn't? I know he doens't need a visa to come to the UK (unless he is not actually Bermudian - have you checked?), but this is all so scammy-sounding I urge you to look again. I wouldn't be in the least surprised if he "got mugged" or had a sudden financial emergency on the way to the airport or whatever.