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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How likely is this do you think to be true?

88 replies

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 15:14

My DP met OW on dating site, whilst working away weekdays. She lived in same town. He admits to texting up to twice a week for four months but says they only ever met up once, and that is when she asked him to her house at 1.00 am and he went and spent night. I found out three weeks later after finding texts on his work phone from her after he badly insulted me.

She never knew we were together. Is is realistic to think after exchanging numbers, snapchats you would wait all that time to meet in flesh? I would say most women would smell a rat and therefore he must have met her more.?? He swears he met her just once and felt awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 21:06

Obviously I know I am just trying to salvage some kind of self respect, trying to act like I'm in control now, but really I feel like a complete fucking idiot for even talking to him, but I can't help it, the whole thing is like being swallowed up in a tsunami of emotions. I'm really stupid. If he cared he wouldn't have done it at all after all. He's still just trying to soften the blow, isn't he, and that's also humiliating.

How do I move on from this emotionally?

OP posts:

Lweji · 26/10/2016 21:10

Can you stop talking to him for a while? Just the basics about the children.
You can ask him to give you space to process it all. Then you can start making decisions.

AnyFucker · 26/10/2016 21:13

Put it this way

Do you want to be with someone who goes on dating sites and meets OW ?

That's all there is to it...isn't there ?

Dozer · 26/10/2016 21:14

What a lying toerag. Doubt he'll admit to anything. You'd probably have more chance of honesty from OW!

Original poster

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 21:18

Anyfucker who does? Sorry, but if this is was ok then why exactly would I be in such turmoil?

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Original poster

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 21:23

Dozer, not a chance.

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Dozer · 26/10/2016 21:24

A DP enrolling on dating websites would in itself be a deal breaker for many!

He wasn't trying to "soften the blow" for your sake but to reveal as little as possible (lying by omission) to seek to increase the chance that you'll stay with him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 26/10/2016 21:26

The stuff he has actually admitted to doing is more than enough to get rid of him.

He went on a dating site while married and wife pregnant. I was going to add to the list of shitty stuff he has admitted to, but really everything after that is detail. Your marriage was over the moment he signed up. Bastard.

Why do you need to know more?

Why does he think that this truth-lite is what you'll forgive? Have you forgiven this stuff before?

Original poster

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 21:26

Dozer, I discovered it was through dating sites myself, he did not confess that, but then had to tell me it was the case.

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Original poster

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 21:37

No, runrabbit, never before. I think it is such a shock since he is last person who anyone would think would dobthis kind of thing. It is just so shockingly out of character. And I don't think he thought I would of ever found out.v and he knows how strongly I feel about this kind of thing. I am confused about his behaviour, and given my own advice would have been most of the above, I am confused I am even talking to him after such shockingly awful behaviour.

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Original poster

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 21:55

We had a bright future and I doubt this would have happened if he was home. But that's besides the point now I suppose. Just incredibly sad for all of us. I thought he was so different and I feel sad for the kids being let down more than anything.

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SkaterGrrrrl · 26/10/2016 22:04

Sorry to hear this.

LesisMiserable · 26/10/2016 22:59

OP, people sometimes do silly, selfish, nonsensical things. If he was telling you the absolute truth now and it was just the once etc it would totally your call if you thought this was out of character and decided not to judge him and the rest of your lives together on this. But truthfully, it's not the 'mistakes' or 'misjudgements' or the finding out someone is capable of doing this that hurts - its the fact that from this day forward you will always, ALWAYS question if he can be trusted. Yes he may never ever make this mistake again but unfortunately trust once lost tends to be gone forever. It's almost impossible to truly fully rebuild.

I don't think this necessarily defines him as a person (and I'll probably get flamed for that - oh well), people are needy and attention seeking sometimes and this is the result - but I think he's made his bed and sadly for you and your family there will be no going back from this.

clumsyduck · 26/10/2016 23:12

Op am sorry this must be awful for you but pp are right it's really does not matter if he slept with her once and is being honest about the texting etc . He signed up to online dating . This in itself would be game over for me. You may never get the answers you are looking for so I think you need to go off what you DO know.

if he works away how will you ever trust him ? It wasn't a one off ( I wouldn't forgive a one night stand either but at least if it had been that and he had told you about it of his own free will then you could possibly believe his version of events )
You found this out he didn't come clean so how do you know this is the first time ??

It is just so pre meditated , he went looking for an ow and then acted on it I don't think it could be any worse !

Sorry if I sound harsh it's just that I'm not sure how you could ever trust him again and it sounds a miserable way to have to carry on if you do get back with him. ( I have been there ! Hence my black and white view on the matter now !!!)

Original poster

Humblebee1 · 27/10/2016 07:09

I can't stop crying this morning, I heart broken

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Ginger4justice · 27/10/2016 08:03

Oh bee I'm so sorry. He is a complete prat. and

Lweji · 27/10/2016 08:03

It is part of the process. You are mourning.
Cry as much as you need.

Be kind to yourself and take it easy. One thing at a time.
Just don't go to him for comfort.

Original poster

Humblebee1 · 27/10/2016 08:46

Thanks everyone, I don't know what I'd do without mumsnet, although I do have good family and friends, they are there, its just so humiliating.

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Lweji · 27/10/2016 08:49

It's not something you've done, though.
He should feel ashamed.

You should be proud that you didn't put up with his treatment of you.
Even if it hurts like hell.

Original poster

Humblebee1 · 27/10/2016 08:51

LesisMiserable I get your point, but after this I think I will now be that way with any man, I will have issues as nice he was last person anyone who knows us thought capable, so its not a factor if we were to get to the stage of doing the appropriate work to rebuild.

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Original poster

Humblebee1 · 27/10/2016 08:52

Should read: I will have issues SINCE he was.....

Sorry, damn phone.

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Original poster

Humblebee1 · 27/10/2016 08:55

Yes, Lweji it hurts like hell. The thought of no future as a family unit hurts like hell.

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Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/10/2016 09:01

Humble, lose the rat. He is a liar and a cheat.
You and your children deserve so much more.
Please do not keep this to yourself.💐

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/10/2016 09:07

Aww Humble, just seen your posts above, don't cry sweet, you poor love.
It's a frightening concept isn't it, the thought that your mapped out future, may now take a different path. However, it might be a better one.
I'm so sorry you are hurting, but you will be, because he has given you cause, he has rocked the boat, he is still lying !
Have a cup of tea, put a spoon of sugar in it, and as I said before, please, don't keep this to yourself. 🌺

Original poster

Humblebee1 · 27/10/2016 09:15

clumsyduck he ditched job and found work nearer home when I found out he had cheated.

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