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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bank account lies

99 replies

Lulu2515 · 25/10/2016 16:44

My DP left his bank account open on laptop a couple of months ago.. I had a snoop.

There was a transaction for a substantial amount of money sent to someone with same initials and surname as girl he was previously texting.
I tried to talk to him about it at the time, he shut me down.
Brought it up properly yesterday, he came up with an almost plausible excuse... but not quite.

I've messaged the girl today. She wouldn't confirm that he'd sent her the money or tell me why. She also said "I don't know why you're desperate to confirm what you already know".

DP is telling me I'm a psycho and have ruined our relationship. He's going to pick up DC from nursery then we're going to talk when he's gone to bed.

I don't know what to do. I'm so desperate for answers. I'm also softening... but I was right originally wasn't I? He sent that money to her?

OP posts:

BolshierAryaStark · 25/10/2016 19:56

You're not a psycho & you haven't ruined the relationship, he has.
He's a liar & you know it, I'd just fuck him off & save yourself any more heartache.

Rubberduck2 · 25/10/2016 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 25/10/2016 22:27

Hi op. Please update us. Just saw your post and I hope u r ok.

Doublemint · 25/10/2016 23:05

Hope you are safe and have got some answers OP

GlitteryFluff · 25/10/2016 23:15

I'm sorry op

Mouikey · 26/10/2016 07:24

Sorry you're going through this and I hope the chat went as well as could be expected. One thing - if it were hundreds of pounds I'd also be pretty cheesed off that he had lent to a mate without discussion with you. Up to £50/£100 seems a reasonable amount without discussion with your partner/husband, but more than that needs a discussion. In any event if it was lent to a friend hopefully he will have evidence of it being paid back?

AyeAmarok · 26/10/2016 08:09

With the backstory about the sexting, the meetup you saw arranged and now this, I think it's definitely clear that he's lying through his teeth.

You'd be best to just ask him to leave.

DownTownAbbey · 26/10/2016 08:28

Hope you're ok OP and that the lying arse had the decency to admit what he's done. You're worth 100 of him

1DAD2KIDS · 26/10/2016 08:53

Let's look at it as a percentages game? You said you said there is 2% he's telling the truth. So let's face it, you pretty much said it's 100% sure he's lying. Not any reasonable doubt he's telling the truth. You would put any money on that horse would you?

Happybunny19 · 26/10/2016 19:11

Hi OP, did you get the answers you needed? Hope you're OK.

Mrsemcgregor · 26/10/2016 19:22

How awful for you OP, I hope you are feeling better today.

Not the point of the thread but aren't abortions free on the NHS?

Original poster

Lulu2515 · 26/10/2016 22:51

Hello everyone. Thank you for your nice messages.
I'm not too sure what happened to be honest... he said he had no idea why she would say he gave her the money because he didn't said he would call her then to ask but I said no.
It kinda ended up me saying that I would just trust him....I think it ended up how it always does- my fault.

I'm honestly not this sad and pathetic in RL

OP posts:

madgingermunchkin · 26/10/2016 23:22

Oh sweetheart, you can't stay with this man.

You are not pathetic, or sad. You are just worn down and seem to have given up.

He will just keep doing this again and again because he knows he can get away with it.

Kr1stina · 26/10/2016 23:22

I'm sorry, you sound sad and confused.

You are not pathetic , you just want to be able to think the best of your partner, that's only natural . I can see that you are trying your best to make things work , but he's not really helping , is he ?

Kr1stina · 26/10/2016 23:23

Sorry, I meant sad = unhappy

Not sad = pathetic

Theselittlelightsofmineshine · 26/10/2016 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lulu2515 · 27/10/2016 08:01

I'd need to be near his phone to see if she texts him when I text her. I don't think there's any point messaging her any more, I tried that and she wouldn't tell me anything.

To be honest I'm just exhausted

OP posts:

happythankyoumoreplease · 27/10/2016 15:34

You won't be so exhausted if you leave this relationship, love - he's ground you down with his complete lack of respect.

Daisiesandgerberas · 27/10/2016 21:48

I mean this in the nicest way...

If this was your child, what would you advise them?

You would feel differently if you're on the outside looking in.

He is making you this exhausted

ballsdeep · 27/10/2016 23:07

Leave. He's lying to you. He said he'd stop texting 18 months ago and then you saw texts from the summer. He's a liar and had manipulated you into believing him. The trust is gone. How can you ever think a text, night out etc is just that? He's shitting all over you and you're allowing it. I hope you're ok x

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2016 23:12

I'm sure you are exhausted. You're used up a huge amount of your mental energy trying to get proof of something you know the truth about already. So you have half of your mind trying to convince you that he would never do it and the other have trying to convince you that what you know to be the truth isn't.

And so, to save yourself some grief, you've decided to accept what he's said. But your mind won't let you have peace with that, either. And you've said you will 'trust him', but you don't really, do you?

You aren't sad or pathetic. And it's not your fault that he's a grade A prick.

But you can do something about it. Seek counseling to become the confident person you can be. The best you there is. You'll be amazed what you'll be able to do then.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2016 23:12

*You're should be You've.

Manumission · 27/10/2016 23:27

You don't deserve this crap. He's a cowardly twat.

Jaded2004 · 27/10/2016 23:33

He has been having an affair!
This is very similar to what happened with my h. I am was not a gullible person at all but I just didn't want to believe it even when he eventually moved in with her (he was still maintaining they were just friends).
He has never stopped contact, they have been meeting and he did send her money. She has told you quite clearly that this is what's going on too. Unfortunately you're dealing with someone who like my exh will lie no matter what until completely cornered and you have two choices... wear yourself out by gathering evidence or by trying to carry on as normal or call him on his shit, tell him you know, pack him a bag and tell him you want him to go and stay somewhere else until you have decided what you want to do about things, tell him the truth will help you make an informed decision but you will be making one regardless. Don't doubt what is clear in front of you! Write it down if it helps as in the factual information you have of what has been said, what you have seen recently, the sexting and the meeting in the summer. You know those things happened! They did happen, they aren't in your head and those alone are grounds for a serious re-think. Good luck

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