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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bank account lies

99 replies

Lulu2515 · 25/10/2016 16:44

My DP left his bank account open on laptop a couple of months ago.. I had a snoop.

There was a transaction for a substantial amount of money sent to someone with same initials and surname as girl he was previously texting.
I tried to talk to him about it at the time, he shut me down.
Brought it up properly yesterday, he came up with an almost plausible excuse... but not quite.

I've messaged the girl today. She wouldn't confirm that he'd sent her the money or tell me why. She also said "I don't know why you're desperate to confirm what you already know".

DP is telling me I'm a psycho and have ruined our relationship. He's going to pick up DC from nursery then we're going to talk when he's gone to bed.

I don't know what to do. I'm so desperate for answers. I'm also softening... but I was right originally wasn't I? He sent that money to her?

OP posts:
Lulu2515 · 25/10/2016 18:45

I've never wanted 'in the night garden' to end so badly... what shall I say/do?!

OP posts:
Manumission · 25/10/2016 18:46

What do you want to say/do?

CatchIt · 25/10/2016 18:47

Someone once told me that people who are lying are defensive whereas those telling the truth are apologetic. There's your answer I'm afraid, whatever the money was used for, it clearly went to the ow.

Lulu2515 · 25/10/2016 18:48

I just so desperately want the truth. And sadly that's so obvious...I've become desperate

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 25/10/2016 18:49

I think it helps if you have a kind of script to work from. So plan what you'll say:

I need to talk to you about the money you gave to (give her real name.)

No, I saw that it was paid to Her Name.

No, it didn't say His Name, it said Her Name.

No, don't keep saying His Name, it just makes you sound manipulative. We both know it's Her Name.

Ad infinitum.

You know what you saw. Don't let him tell you that you saw something different.

OP, did he have an affair with the OW?

Lulu2515 · 25/10/2016 18:50

I caught them sexting a while back...like 18 months ago. I'm fairly satisfied that's all it was then

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 25/10/2016 18:50

Why don't you ask him to prove it? To call up his bank details for that date and prove it?

Lulu2515 · 25/10/2016 18:53

I'm not sure that would prove anything... I've seen the date and the transaction and the account name

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 25/10/2016 18:54

And did he admit that then? Did he say he'd have nothing more to do with her?

Manumission · 25/10/2016 18:55

Blether's approach is probably the best chance of getting him to admit it.

But he might never admit it.

Then what?

ImperialBlether · 25/10/2016 18:55

But he's saying you saw something else, isn't he? If he's saying you mis-read what was there, he could prove it.

Lulu2515 · 25/10/2016 18:55

He admitted it because I saw the pictures...he couldn't deny it!

Yes he said he wouldn't contact her again. In the summer I saw a message from her on his work mobile saying she couldn't make their meet up tomorrow...

He said then he had no intention of meeting up with her.

OP posts:
Lulu2515 · 25/10/2016 18:56

No he's not saying I saw it wrong, he's insisting that's his mates bank account details and they're the details he gave him

OP posts:
DianaMitford · 25/10/2016 18:57

He's lying. About a lot. Tell him you know what's been going on and then be silent. See how big a hole he digs himself

Trifleorbust · 25/10/2016 18:59

OP, he is full of shit. People don't send unsolicited messages saying they can't make meet ups you never organised with them. People don't send money to their friends but make up surnames that happen to be the same as that of someone they were previously seeing behind their partner's back.

EweAreHere · 25/10/2016 19:04

Tell him you called her and asked her. Then wait. Let him talk.

Obviously, there is no trust. You don't have much of a relationship left any way... tell him you just want the truth, no matter how bad it is. Because without it, you can't decide whether or not your relationship is worth trying to fix or not. Because right now, without trust, it's not.

Rubberduck2 · 25/10/2016 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 25/10/2016 19:11

He'll tell you nothing but lies. I would end it, frankly. You can't live with someone who's cheating on you and gaslighting you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/10/2016 19:14

Unfortunately I have lots of experience of family members who lie through their teeth to my face. You could try my approach. You have to be hard as nails though.

I rarely attempt conversations with them if I know they will lie and deflect blame. It is mostly pointless.

I decide what outcome I want in advance. For example, I want the person to leave my house after an episode of bad behaviour.

The outcome I seek is never "get them to admit the truth" or "get them to see they are in the wrong" because that simply will not happen. It would only make me feel like a crazy person because of how they lie, twist, deflect, deny and are just generally ridiculous. It is an unachievable outcome.

Very often I realise that a conversation can give me no outcome of value. I therefore either avoid the issue (if not important) or I make a statement of what I will do now and what I will do in future.

If they start with their ridiculousness I literally ignore it and/or say "Look, I am not interested in hearing your reasons any more. I have decided that I am not going to lend you any money / let you stay here for another night / get involved with your argument with Auntie MadAsPaint / give you my car / whatever."

If you follow my approach, it means you have to do some very very hard thinking about what you want from the conversation. Accept that you will not get the truth or an admission of guilt then decide what is left to discuss.

Also, realise that it will almost certainly be you that has to end the discussion and walk away. Be ready to do that at any point.

They will want to work on you and cry and wail and be ridiculous to wear you down (or flounce off eventually squealing about what a big meanie you are for not going along with their ridiculousness).

Cut that shit off by making your statement and walking off with your head held high and your back straight even as you seeth and cry inwardly. You will be the flouncer.

Hissy · 25/10/2016 19:24

Just tell him to get the fuck out of your airspace and not come back until he's prepared to tell the truth.

Perhaps let slip that the OW has been more than forthcoming with information, so for the sake of his brain cell, not to strain it by thinking up more stories.

Make him go, forget about him for a week or so, no messages, calls nothing.

f83mx · 25/10/2016 19:28

why don't you phone the friend and ask if he lent him the money? Can you just ask the other woman directly what the extent of their relationship was? Sounds more like affair than sexting...

lr12345 · 25/10/2016 19:36

I would call his bluff and say she has admitted it and he has 5 minutes to tell the truth or get out of the house until
He is prepared to do so. If he continues to say he has loant money up his friend, insist he Calls the friend on speaker infront of you and also get the friend to confirm his bank details and cross reference it against the account paid

Cary2012 · 25/10/2016 19:40

You can have a long painful talk when he'll lie and lie.

Or you can just go for the quicker option and end it.

He's not going to tell you the truth, so cut him telling you crap and end it.

BertNErnie · 25/10/2016 19:41

I'd either tell him to bring up his bank details online or tell him you already spoke to her and she confirmed it. He is lying.

Doublemint · 25/10/2016 19:46

He's been lying to you for a long time op. People don't randomly message about meeting up, they were meeting up and he lied to get out of it.
He never meant for you to see the bank acc details so he has paid her a lump sum of money. Possibly more.
He will lie through his teeth.
When he said you've ruined the relationship it's actually him talking to himmyself. hes ruined your relationship and he knows it. He knows it's endgame time and he's been caught.
Stay strong and don't stick your head in the sand.