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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help me make sense of this please.

56 replies

hitwitharock · 24/10/2016 16:33

First things first I am a regular MN user but I've set up a new account just for this issue because I want it completely separate.

I was dating a chap long distance for close to 2 years. We broke up after he didn't show up for a much planned weekend and had allegedly had a mini stroke (If you remember my post please don't link it) I believed him but I was furious I hadn't been told for 5 days yet other people had. Basically I was last to know.

Anyway, last few months have been OK. I broke off the relationship but didn't remove him from my life, we still talk etc but I have moved on. I'm dating someone else right now.

He tried to rekindle things and I refused but was happy to remain friends - I am friends with several exes so this really isn't weird for me.

over the weekend he cropped up in my FB suggestions. Only it wasn't the account I was 'friends' with its his other account. One he said he didn't have because he doesn't use FB. He'd been posting on there from at least 2011 so not a replacement one.

I've had a look obviously and the arsehole is married!! The account he spoke to me from only has his work colleagues whereas the other has more people iyswim.

I'm flipping between rage, grief and complete devastation because the last 2 years are now all a lie. The promises were false. The plans to have children, I dodged a massive bullet there, the talk of getting married, we'd even shopped for rings.

The mini stroke from the car accident, the job loss, the other reasons for not visiting... They didn't happen did they?

I let this man bond with my DS too. My DS is still angry we broke up and keeps asking for him.

I'm even more angry. Angry I was led on. Angry I let my DS become attached..

I'm trying so so hard right now not to tell his wife.

Will it get better?

OP posts:
NoIsAnAnswer · 24/10/2016 16:37

No advice I'm afraid but what's bastard he is!

I would block everything of him -phone/fb etc and do not engage with him in any way.

Please don't let this betrayal effect your new relationship. Best wishes x

OhNoNotMyBaby · 24/10/2016 16:38

Op, I'm very sorry Flowers. I do remember your thread, not all of the details but enough to know that several posters did suggest that he might be married. There were too many odd things about the relationship to believe it was real.

Anger is good - you should be absolutely fucking furious. Will it get better? Yes. But I would suggest you block all contact - and tell him why. Maybe (though I doubt it) it will shock him into behaving...

ICuntSeeYourPoint · 24/10/2016 16:38

Stop trying, tell his poor wife immediately, she's already wasted 2+ years, don't collude in her wasting any more.

Original poster
hitwitharock · 24/10/2016 16:49

I'm trying not to send her all the photos we took. Trying hard not to come across as a crazy person.

I'm still trying to get my head around everything. I went to his house, stayed with him, spent entire weeks with him in his house which is why I'm in disbelief. He covered his tracks very very well.

Except the FB page.

OP posts:
Tryitonce · 24/10/2016 17:45

If I remember your other thread correctly his story re being in hospital sounded ridiculous anyway and he was completely messing you around. Now you know the real reason for what he was doing.

Did he perhaps have two homes eg working away or something?

2kids2dogsnosense · 24/10/2016 17:47

What a shit!

Expose him - preferably to ridicule, as it is much more humiliating that just rage.

ImperialBlether · 24/10/2016 17:51

I would tell his wife.

Just out of interest, though, couldn't you tell his wife was living in that house?

Also on FB can he see you've seen his account?

Nonotmenori · 24/10/2016 17:53

I've been in your situation. Found out after a year and a half he was married. He also met my family etc. I would gather all information and send to her then block them both. That way, He can't get to her with lies. No good can come from his bloke now. I wouldn't give him the time of day. Show her all the evidence then block them all.

I'm sorry you're going through this I also remember your other thread and thought he was bullshitting but you never want to think anyone would be that sick in the head to make that up.

loobyloo1234 · 24/10/2016 17:59

OP - I remember your other thread aswell. What a complete fucker he is. I thought that at the time but even more so now Flowers

If you have met someone else, and are happy, the only real advice I can give is move on. Block that account so it doesn't pop up again and erase any trace of him from your phone. Do you think telling his wife will make you feel better?

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2016 18:02

The 'better me' says to chock it up to experience, block him every which way I can, firmly close that mental door and move on. But the 'real me' would want to send everything I had to his wife. Partly because I felt she deserved to know, partly because I wanted revenge on him, for him to be as unhappy as I am.

I honestly don't know which 'me' would win out. Not much help, am I?

But I will say that, honestly and truly, if I was the wife in this situation I'd want to know. I don't think I'd want to receive a bunch of pictures out of the blue, but I would want to know. Could you private message her with a huge, huge apology and explain that both of you have been deceived because you didn't know he was married but that you acknowledge that hers is the greater hurt. Tell her that you have proof if she wants it, tell her you will not contact her again, and just leave it at that?

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2016 18:04

for him to be as unhappy as I am. Delete that part! You've moved on.

aforestgrewandgrew · 24/10/2016 18:11

Please tell his wife. I'd want to know.

You only get one life and he's making hers a lie. It's despicable behaviour, particularly the lengths he's gone to, to deceive. He deserves for it to blow up in his face. She deserves to be able to choose to leave this low-life and not to be made a fool of any longer.

Original poster
hitwitharock · 24/10/2016 20:08

Ok I have asked a friend to help write a message to his wife - she's married and helping me word it the right way without rage. Though she is furious to know what has happened.

OP posts:
MancKitten · 24/10/2016 20:11

Tell her. It will hurt her but I would want to know. Possibly send some messages / photos as evidence.

FlabulousChic · 24/10/2016 20:57

I know what it's like to be lied to about everything it resulted in a breakdown for me as I'd had the lies for four years. It's hard to comprehend what drives someone to lie about everything... this isn't about you but about him and it's evil to do to someone what he has done to you. You have to tell his wife because she deserves to know... I hope you don't let this get to you too much x

Montane50 · 24/10/2016 21:03

You have done nothing wrong as you didn't know he was married. Tell her, but in a calm factual way not ranty (seems your friend is helping with that). Id want to know, she may already know, you may be one of many, but thats not your concern really x

FlapsTie · 24/10/2016 21:09

What an arsehole. I think telling his wife is the right thing to do, poor woman. You don't deserve this.

WhatLizzyDid · 24/10/2016 21:15

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Flowers You deserve so much better xx

Please tell his wife (I would want to know)

Shockers · 24/10/2016 21:22

I would want to know too.

You could get caught up in the crossfire of all kinds of anger and hatred though.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2016 21:37

FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing. A calm, factual message without vitriol or emotion and an apology for unintended hurt is the ticket.

VulvaInLaw · 24/10/2016 21:41

OP I remember your other thread too, I remember how confused and upset you were too. So sorry to hear this but glad you've moved on. Tell his wife them block delete etc so you can move on. Definitely dodged a bullet, be thankful for small mercies. Karma will get him the lying little turd.

NoIsAnAnswer · 24/10/2016 21:41

In hindsight...

If I were her I would absolutely need and want to know.

But tell her in a calm, factual, not spiteful way.

However you're feeling it will be even harder for her.

NoIsAnAnswer · 24/10/2016 21:42

(Better not be my dh or I'll be headline news tomorrow am)

YouHadMeAtCake · 24/10/2016 21:43

I agree with op. Definitely tell his wife. In a calm polite manner. She may not thank you for it initially but she will eventually.

boobyooby · 24/10/2016 21:48

Oh wow OP, I remember the thread and I'm so sorry this has come out.

Keep remembering "dodged a bullet" when you are feeling low and be thankful you aren't his poor wife who has probably put up with loads of rubbish of him over the years!

What an ar5e (him, not you!!)