help me make sense of this please.

[hitwitharock]

First things first I am a regular MN user but I've set up a new account just for this issue because I want it completely separate.

I was dating a chap long distance for close to 2 years. We broke up after he didn't show up for a much planned weekend and had allegedly had a mini stroke (If you remember my post please don't link it) I believed him but I was furious I hadn't been told for 5 days yet other people had. Basically I was last to know.

Anyway, last few months have been OK. I broke off the relationship but didn't remove him from my life, we still talk etc but I have moved on. I'm dating someone else right now.

He tried to rekindle things and I refused but was happy to remain friends - I am friends with several exes so this really isn't weird for me.

over the weekend he cropped up in my FB suggestions. Only it wasn't the account I was 'friends' with its his other account. One he said he didn't have because he doesn't use FB. He'd been posting on there from at least 2011 so not a replacement one.

I've had a look obviously and the arsehole is married!! The account he spoke to me from only has his work colleagues whereas the other has more people iyswim.

I'm flipping between rage, grief and complete devastation because the last 2 years are now all a lie. The promises were false. The plans to have children, I dodged a massive bullet there, the talk of getting married, we'd even shopped for rings.

The mini stroke from the car accident, the job loss, the other reasons for not visiting... They didn't happen did they?

I let this man bond with my DS too. My DS is still angry we broke up and keeps asking for him.

I'm even more angry. Angry I was led on. Angry I let my DS become attached..

I'm trying so so hard right now not to tell his wife.

Will it get better?

Oh OP, this is just awful. I agree the wife needs to know. Poor cow. What a vile man to do such a thing.

Its just getting worse and worse. I really shouldn't have looked regretting it now.

Ignorance is bliss and all that. Fuck this hurts.

Theres so much more he lied about!

to the poster up thread. No, his house didn't look like a woman was living there. Both me and DC stayed for a week.

Pets were there, I wasn't barred from any room, personal possessions were there like photos of the arse and some family remembers (older people so unlikely to be wife)

This is why I can't get my head around it. Nothing seemed out of place except for the apparent shit run of luck. Of course its not bad luck but lies.

He must have another house and had this one 'dressed' its the only reason I can think of but that's just too bizarre to comprehend. The lengths to go to.

Unless this marriage is new and happened whilst we were together.... that thought just makes me feel sick.

I mean, we stayed several times but we stayed for an entire week and that time I actually arrived early because I screwed up the dates.

What a bastard. I would tell his wife. Not out of spite but she deserves to know the type of person she's married to.

You poor thing and your poor ds. What a bastard.

You poor thing. I had a similar thing happen to me last year. But a much shorter relationship and no kids involved.

I can't believe he had you and your dc round to his house.

Tell his wife. She deserves to know what sort of scumbag she is married to. She deserves better

I remember your previous thread too.

Tell his wife, you owe it to her (in a good way) you owe it to him (in a shit way) and you owe it to yourself. This needs to be over for you.

What an utter wanker.

hitwitharock it could have been a friend's house he was house sitting for, or renting even.

I remember years ago, a male friend of mine used to rent his flat to a friend of his for the occasional weekend.

Took me a while to work out what it was about. Basically the guy was renting the flat from my friend as a shag pad when he had a OW on the go as he lived with his GF.

Fucking shocking behaviour IMO but it does happen.

God, OP - that must have felt like a punch to the gut. Even if you were not seeing him anymore, it would have been devastating to come across that.

Not that I want to make you feel worse, but with a housing set-up like that I suspect you were not the only woman he invited there.

He's a scumbag. I really feel for you (and your child) - but I feel even worse for his wife. :-(

Hi OP, I am so sorry to that you're going through this, what a horrible situation. Please tell the wife, she deserves to know. Good luck writing the letter!

Friend wrote the letter. She included some screen grabs of our text messages, our conversations on social media, some screen grabs of his second FB account and pictures I had posted on mine of 'us'. She included his mobile number and when I took the screen grab I deleted his name from my contacts so you could clearly see the number at the top of the message.

He is still acting oblivious and right now I am playing along. I knew being able to hide my emotions would come in handy one day.

I did some more digging, Insomnia and the whole not being able to settle, Goggled his house because I know it was up for sale this year- hello zoopla! - looks like he wife definitely lived there. It was listed for sale and there's a picture with his reflection in the mirror taking a snap. you can zoom in and see wedding pictures but not massively clear but the later listing... what appears to be her stuff is gone. The decoration, the bed clothes that sort of thing were the same a few years later.

I'm taking that as a sign she either moved out or they bought a second home and kept this for a rental.

Its just more confirmation that he lied to me.

This is all awful OP, I can't get past the lying about the mini stroke, that in itself is appalling, what a piece of scum.

You have dodged a bullet for sure.

Well done, you did the right thing.
That can't have been easy.

How are you doing OP? Have your heard back from the wife?

I honestly don't know how I am.

Its unbelievable. I wasn't sure whether to post because this does feel so fucking unbelievable.

The wife is an ex wife. They divorced years ago. She doesn't have a clue who I am yet they have been out to many things over the last 2 years and assumed his time visiting me was work related.

I am a pathetic mans dirty little secret and he never even told any friends I existed.

I'm not sure whether to believe her though. I don't trust anyone anymore.

So you never knew he had an ex wife??

I'm confused. Did the live together? If it's an ex-wife what's the problem?

So she has told you she's his ex wife?

So he was single when he was with you? Sorry, really confused OP, hope you're ok.

I never knew he had an ex wife. He never mentioned the marriage at all. Ever. We even talked about marriage ourselves and when we had the would we do it big or small convo he went very quiet and said no because he has little family left and wouldn't feel right. Given what he had told me this didn't create any red flags. Not having my own father around the thought of walking down the aisle on my tod is a bit depressing.

Now I can see the reason he went very quiet was because he had already done the big white wedding.

The EX wife told me they had been divorced before we met.

I feel better knowing Ive not screwed up a marriage.

I'm still confused as hell. I should move on but I can't because I don't know what bits of the 2 years were the truth and which weren't.

Blimey, this is a turn up for the books. How very weird. Why on earth did he never mention her? Are you going to ask him? This is so odd. No wonder you're feeling so confused.

My Dcou was the partner of someone who did something similar. It was a kick in the teeth but he got over it. Find a non confrontational way of letting wife know. Be sure he has form for this. Good luck and well done on moving on

He did talk about ex partners. Come to think of it he was very chatty about old exes and what they were like but the ex wife... yeah not much on her bar telling me her name and that she was 'an ex' never 'the ex wife'

The only reasons I can think of

A) he cared more about ex wife's feelings than mine thus lied she existed
B) he was embarrassed about me
C) there are other women he keeps strategically away from his day to day social life
D) he's an absolute tool

Any of those reasons hurt. It was only 3mths ago we split but fuck the thought of any of them hurts.

I don't do well with people lying to me. Its a massive betrayal and to think he was still in my life acting as though we could sort everything out.

Wow. I sure know how to choose some complete fuckers.