help me make sense of this please.

[hitwitharock]

First things first I am a regular MN user but I've set up a new account just for this issue because I want it completely separate.

I was dating a chap long distance for close to 2 years. We broke up after he didn't show up for a much planned weekend and had allegedly had a mini stroke (If you remember my post please don't link it) I believed him but I was furious I hadn't been told for 5 days yet other people had. Basically I was last to know.

Anyway, last few months have been OK. I broke off the relationship but didn't remove him from my life, we still talk etc but I have moved on. I'm dating someone else right now.

He tried to rekindle things and I refused but was happy to remain friends - I am friends with several exes so this really isn't weird for me.

over the weekend he cropped up in my FB suggestions. Only it wasn't the account I was 'friends' with its his other account. One he said he didn't have because he doesn't use FB. He'd been posting on there from at least 2011 so not a replacement one.

I've had a look obviously and the arsehole is married!! The account he spoke to me from only has his work colleagues whereas the other has more people iyswim.

I'm flipping between rage, grief and complete devastation because the last 2 years are now all a lie. The promises were false. The plans to have children, I dodged a massive bullet there, the talk of getting married, we'd even shopped for rings.

The mini stroke from the car accident, the job loss, the other reasons for not visiting... They didn't happen did they?

I let this man bond with my DS too. My DS is still angry we broke up and keeps asking for him.

I'm even more angry. Angry I was led on. Angry I let my DS become attached..

I'm trying so so hard right now not to tell his wife.

Will it get better?

Hmmm

Or D) he really liked you in the beginning and he didn't want to put you off by revealing he had a failed marriage behind him?

I'm not making excuses for him - just trying to get inside a useless blokes head.

It is a really shoddy way to behave and I think you deserve an explanation - if only to give you some closure. Will the ex-wife have told him that you have been in touch now given that they are still 'friends'?

Sorry, this is shit for you. I hate liars.

One positive thing to focus on is that you should now feel so much better that you broke up. Sometimes after a relationship ends, you wonder 'what if?', and might have feelings of regret, but now you must be so relieved that you're no longer with him, and that clearly he's a complete arse.

The failed marriage wasn't an issue my DCs dad was a divorcee ( he married at 18/20) he knew this. He knew I'd been engaged before. That sort of thing. I was very honest with him.

The only issue I have with divorcees are the ones still waiting on the final paperwork! I avoid most who are going through divorce proceedings because it's often a rough time.

A man who likes someone should never lie and yes I need closure. I need a why but I doubt I am going to get it.

How horrible for you :( and what a shock. At least the ex wife returned your message and let you know what was going on. Not that it is much better than if he had been married - still a huge betrayal and lots of lies. I can't imagine what explanation he could give for this.

So you were never the other woman, he just neglected to tell you he had been married and was divorced? Perhaps he was ashamed to admit it? Can you actually talk to him to get some kind of closure?

Perhaps he was serious about wanting to have a forever relationship with you. If you had gone ahead with the wedding plans though, you would have found out about the ex-wife.

You sound very upset, please look after yourself

No its not just the wife. Its his whole life. He split it into two very neat boxes. Me and a number of work people.

His ex wife and his long term friends.

Basically I was never good enough, even after 2 yrs, to be there.

That's what hurts more.

I wish he'd cheated now. That's more final isn't it. He put his dick in someone else. Job done. He's an arse. This, Its more than deceitful its like a personal attack. I'll use you but you're not good enough to be part of my whole life.