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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Choose me?

78 replies

thewinterqueen · 21/10/2016 00:51

Help! I need advice!

Three months ago, I met a guy and we hit it off straight away. We get on fantastically and have a lot in common, but there's one problem - he's in a relationship. He owns a house with this girl and has been in a 9 month relationship with her, despite claiming it's a broken relationship and they don't have sex. He claims that he loves us both now, and cannot break up with other girlfriend because there's 'still something there.' He moved out of her house and has been doing on dates with her, whilst coming to mine most days and sleeping with me. Whenever I ask what's going on, he gets stressed and cries. It's hideously frustrating and I'm starting to wonder why I'm bothering :/

OP posts:
ParForTheCourses · 21/10/2016 15:49

This man won't help you op only hurt you. Good luck breaking up with him.

Kidnapped · 21/10/2016 15:52

Sorry OP.

First order of business: break up with him. Doesn't have to be in person if you don't feel strong enough. A simple "I am bringing this relationship to an end. Wish you the best. Do not contact me again" will suffice. And then block. He deserves no better.

I suspect that you will feel much better and more in control when you have done that. Start a new thread on here (namechange if you want to) and loads of people will give advice on how to try to come to terms with what happened in your past.

Lunar1 · 21/10/2016 15:55

Maybe his wife is like you, she may have had unbelievable sadness in her life and just as fragile. People on here who you consider to be mean you you are nothing compared to the pain you are helping to inflict on his wife.

I hope you do finish things today, how you can plead for kindness when contributing to the destruction of another persons life I have no idea.

AnyFucker · 21/10/2016 17:35

I am sorry about your rape. I think it does not in any way excuse your behaviour.

AmeliaJack · 21/10/2016 17:54

Winter I'm so sorry that you were raped. I'm so sorry that someone hurt you and frightened you.

I really am. But this behaviour is wrong and it's not helping your recovery.

It's not a forward step on your journey.

You came on here, to the famed "nest of vipers" so we'd give you a kick up the arse? Didn't you?

So we are. Kicking you up the arse.

This man isn't kind, he isn't honest, he isn't good for you.

And your behaviour isn't kind, isn't honest and isn't good for you.

Be kind to yourself. You can do better, you can be better.

End it. Be proud of yourself.

NotYoda · 21/10/2016 18:00

Honestly, i'm sure he seems nice, but he needs to fuck off with the crying. He needs to have his angst alone. It's nice that he has angst - it shows he's not a complete bastard, but you can't get involved with someone who is behaving like a bastard.

You are not a wimp pr a mug - your last post show that you know what's going on, but worse, On Some Level he knows it too - that you are vulnerable and he can take advantage of it.

Belleblush · 21/10/2016 18:05

Hug FlowersFlowers

Cary2012 · 21/10/2016 18:46

Sorry about your rape.
Does he know about this?
If so, he's even more despicable for exploiting your vulnerability.

You deserve better, work on that, get strength from ditching him, it's the first step on improving your self worth, and raising the bar.

You deserve a nice man, not a cheat. Believe that you are entitled to an exclusive relationship and settle for nothing less.

garlicandsapphire · 21/10/2016 20:54

Sorry if we hurt you OP but we are trying to tell you the truth for your own good. Some of us have been there. If you have been damaged before you need to be so cautious about the men you choose. For your own wellbeing and sanity, protect yourself.

My XH messed about with girls 20 years younger than him. He fell in love apparently, but he never left me. When I found out I kicked him out. He never went back to the girls who helped him break my heart.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/10/2016 22:26

I suspect op that this man is treating you so badly precisely because he senses your vulnerability and is exploiting that vulnerability for his own ends.

It's only been 3 months. You need to end this before it goes any further and before you get hurt any more.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 21/10/2016 22:38

With all due respect, OP, a lot of us have been raped and abused in all sorts of ways in our lives.

We still manage to not get involved with a married man. You chose to become intimate with a married man. You chose that.

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 22:48

Ive never been sexually assaulted but I have been hit by a partner multiple times.

Ive been cheated on many times. I know how betrayal feels.

Would I get involved with a married man or a man with a partner and use my sad past as an excuse to justify that? Hell no.

You could always start having sex with him. See how he behaves once he has what he wants. I'd wager he isnt as interested.

So you believe he isnt having any sex? Not with you or with her?

Ok.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 21/10/2016 23:05

The "intimate but not...." non distinction pisses me off the kist. it's still cheating.

Be it fucking, sky-diving, watching paint dry or shopping at Bloomingdales (Friends aficionados will get that reference), if a person does something s/he can't come home and cheerfully tell his/her partner , then that's cheating.

As to "I don't have the strength..." bullshit. Of course you do! Smile You just need to find it. Feed the good wolf. (Google that, and "pick me dance")

NotYoda · 22/10/2016 06:30

I think that when someone chooses (consciously or, in this case, unconsciously) to allow some one to hurt them, and to hurt someone else, that's when you stop and think about getting some help for yourself. To avoid destructive and self- destructive behaviour

NotYoda · 22/10/2016 06:31

Preemptive

I agree. It is an affair. He can feel better about it because it's not sexual (yet), but it's a betrayal. Time spent being emotionally intimate with another woman is an affair

ravenmum · 22/10/2016 07:40

It's nice that hehasangst - it shows he's not a complete bastard
There is not some kind of acceptable level of bastardness.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 22/10/2016 07:43

Quite, ravenmum!

And that's even assuming those are really tears. I suspect genuine imitation crocodile....

NotYoda · 22/10/2016 07:45

ravenmum

That was slightly tongue in cheek. Read the rest of what I wrote

NotYoda · 22/10/2016 07:46

Preemptive

That was slightly tongue in cheek. Please read the rest of my posts

LIttleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 07:48

The tears are nothing to do with angst or feeling conflicted.

They are manipulative. Some men will try anything because they know that if they hit on the right approach some women will acquiesce.

NotYoda · 22/10/2016 08:10

Little

Yes, they may well be. I am not sure that at the point I offered that comment, that the OP was ready to hear that. The upshot, I think, is that we are all agreeing that he does not have the OP's best interests at heart.

*OP8

Good luck to you. I hope you can put a stop to this sorry situation.

LittleTripToHeaven · 22/10/2016 09:05

Yoda Maybe, but I think she needs to hear it.

She already thinks the tears are proof that he loves her, she doesn't need to have it confirmed. And she is going to read, "not a complete bastard" and feel compassion for him and his confliction, because women in this position will latch onto anything to justify their own actions and exonerate the man's.

But, yes, I think we are all in agreement that he doesn't give a shit about her.

Original poster
thewinterqueen · 30/10/2016 01:27

I broke up with him, and god I feel better for it. I realised how seedy it was and told him to get screwed today. I honestly feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. He (predictably) played the victim and sobbed, but I was strong!

OP posts:
laurenandsophie · 30/10/2016 04:21

winterqueen well done, good on you.
When stuck in a crappy situation my mantra is to try to be someone I can respect.
You can't control other people, but you can control your actions and choices. This can be painful but you'll be a much better person for ending this relationship, and can continue to heal.

Pluto30 · 30/10/2016 04:26

You're just as bad as him in this situation, knowing that he has a partner of 9 years and sleeping with him nonetheless.

He won't choose you. And, if he does (which he won't), you'll just be another chink in the chain of women he sleeps with while he's in a relationship. You're not going to be the exception. Accept it now.