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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Choose me?

78 replies

thewinterqueen · 21/10/2016 00:51

Help! I need advice!

Three months ago, I met a guy and we hit it off straight away. We get on fantastically and have a lot in common, but there's one problem - he's in a relationship. He owns a house with this girl and has been in a 9 month relationship with her, despite claiming it's a broken relationship and they don't have sex. He claims that he loves us both now, and cannot break up with other girlfriend because there's 'still something there.' He moved out of her house and has been doing on dates with her, whilst coming to mine most days and sleeping with me. Whenever I ask what's going on, he gets stressed and cries. It's hideously frustrating and I'm starting to wonder why I'm bothering :/

OP posts:
ErnieAndBernie · 21/10/2016 08:26

Where is your self respect? Where is your respect for this mans (innocent) gf? Think for a minute about the effects of your actions. Your bf however deserves no respect whatsoever.
You are with someone you can never trust fully. Do you really want that? Do you really want to cause massive emotional pain to someone else as well? You are the OW. Knowingly. That is not a good place or person to be.

chowchowchow · 21/10/2016 08:29

Ugh women like you anger me.
He's sleeping with you "most days". Whether or not you mean you are being intimate it doesn't matter- he is someone else's chosen life partner. Also, what about the other days? He's sleeping with HER.
I'm not going to join in with others saying "you deserve better, leave him" the thing is you probably don't deserve better - you are happy facilitating a cheating man.
This whole thread turns my stomach. That poor, poor woman.
Ps. Don't believe him when he says their relationship is sexless.
Have some self respect and some respect in womanhood and walk away, please.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 21/10/2016 08:30

Ah so he's one of those people who think as long as he's not having full piv sex with you, it's not cheating? What a prince Hmm

kiwipie · 21/10/2016 08:31

What chowchowchow said. Angry

LIttleTripToHeaven · 21/10/2016 08:31

It makes no difference. Seriously, it doesn't.

I've never had sex with a single one of the married men who has hit on me (I've not been intimate with any of them either), but it doesn't make what they are doing any better. It's not real. It's not genuine.

He's not even telling you he's trapped in a dead relationship. He's actually telling you his relationship is alive and kicking. Tell him to go and sort his life out, that you are worth more than this. If he is serious about you, let him actually choose you, by ending the relationship he is in and coming to you. Anything else is just sleazy and dirty. But he won't, because he's caught up in the drama of it all and the excitement of it.

If you withdraw from the situation, the most likely outcome is that you won't hear from him again. And whilst that might feel shit for you, and sound a shit proposition, it's got to be better than messing around with someone else's partner, surely.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 21/10/2016 08:33

At the very least, he has no respect for you.

doji · 21/10/2016 08:33

Have a word with yourself. If you wrote a list of charecteristics you want in a man are these really on it?

Liar, capable of deceiving a woman he's lived with (and loved) for 9 years.

Cheater, happy to sleep with 2 (or more) women at once while stringing both along.

Selfish, his feels are far more important than those of the women he proffesses to love.

Manipulative, cries every time you try to address something that upsets you, so that you feel bad and let him carry on as is.

Any one of these should be a dealbreaker when youre dating. The sooner you figure out that a man like this will never make you happy (because he doesn't want to), the sooner you'll find a good relationship.

TheNaze73 · 21/10/2016 08:36

You mean nothing to him, he doesn't respect you either. Your yardstick should be how he's treating his partner

DoubleCarrick · 21/10/2016 08:39

I never really post on these threads but your story is so similar to mine I feel compelled.

I was the girlfriend of 9 years (nearly 10) with the mortgage.

We were having a few difficulties but I felt we were working through them and making good progress. When I found out he was dating OW, I shut down any possibility of a further relationship.

She's welcome to him. I don't care if they're happy together because quite frankly, I'm happier without him. She can have his anal cleaning tendencies, his stupid way of folding socks and the fact that work takes over everything else.

I'm far happier now than I ever was with my ex

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/10/2016 08:56

Hitting it off with him was the easy part you then found out he was involved with someone. A nice ego boost for the two of you, don't dress it up. Perhaps his original gf hopes like you that if she hangs on in there he'll pick her, (what a prize!).

Original poster
thewinterqueen · 21/10/2016 11:11

I wish I was strong enough to walk away :/

OP posts:
LIttleTripToHeaven · 21/10/2016 11:27

Well then you're just weak and pathetic and deserve all the heartbreak that is coming your way.

What an utterly selfish individual you are.

AmeliaJack · 21/10/2016 12:58

Have you posted about this before? It seems familiar.

The only reason you are intimate but not having sex is so that he can tell his DP with a straight face "I never slept with Winter, it's you that I love".

It makes no difference. It's still cheating. It's not how a decent, honest, moral person behaves.

You are being used.

You are hurting another woman.

You do have the strength to walk away, you just don't want to.

This isn't some "grand passion", it's not romantic, it's certainly not love.

It's grubby, and predictable and tawdry.

It's wrong.

Bubblegum18 · 21/10/2016 13:04

This sounds like a previous poster

c3pu · 21/10/2016 13:20

Are you friends with him on Facebook?

HarmlessChap · 21/10/2016 13:46

If he's not wanting to sleep with you at this point you might find the physical side of your relationship lacking if he eventually did choose you.

AnyFucker · 21/10/2016 13:48

You're a complete mug

Onnapostit · 21/10/2016 13:58

He's not having full sex with you because he's getting it from her.

He thinks its not cheating if he does everything except full sex.

You say he brings her out on dates but comes around to yours for fooling around. To me that says it all. She gets all the wining and dining and love and affections. You get to suck him off then he fucks off home to his missus.

Remove what he is telling you about his feelings. Focus on what he is showing you about them.

ShatnersWig · 21/10/2016 13:59

AF I tempered myself on the first page and suggested the OP was an idiot, waiting for you to give it the full blunt. I should have just gone the full whack bearing in mind the "I just can't walk away" shit.

As a man, I think this bloke is a total wanker. But why do so many women put up with this type of shit? In this day and age, there is no need to put up with fuckwits.

ParForTheCourses · 21/10/2016 14:43

You are pretty weak op if you stay with a man like this after only three months. You will get hurt or you will be fallback woman if his partner finds out.

Mistykit · 21/10/2016 14:52

My ex boyfriend was cheating on me with another woman. He did leave me for her. However, unbeknownst to her she has inherited an abusive, cheating, lying manchild. She thinks she "won".... oh boy has she lost. Don't be that woman.

Happybunny19 · 21/10/2016 14:57

You can't leave the man who quite happily comes to you when he fancies a blow job. What a pathetic mug you're being then. You don't have my sympathy, you are perfectly aware he has a girlfriend and he's clearly a tosspot. Move on and stop wining.

WombOfOnesOwn · 21/10/2016 15:27

How will you feel if the woman he's with posts to MN with her side of the story in another post on relationships? Could you be okay with causing her that much pain?

Original poster
thewinterqueen · 21/10/2016 15:29

I don't appreciate the nastiness. I have come here for advice. I'm a PTSD sufferer after a rape in my young teens, so I am emotionally vulnerable. Please bear that in mind. I also haven't posted on here, and I'm sad to think there's another woman in a similar situation. I KNOW he's taking advantage of me. I KNOW all this, and I also feel like a wimp and a mug. He is also the first person I've been intimate with after the rape, which I think has made me more attached emotionally. I want to break up with him. I am going to do it tonight, but I wanted to speak to other people first. Anonymous people.

OP posts:
rockabillyruby82 · 21/10/2016 15:43

It's called 'tough love' OP, you needed these comments to open your eyes. You see, a lot of us know these men. Your vulnerability has made you an easy target, please don't waste your affections on this turd of a man. If I were you I'd txt him now. Two words 'It's over' then block him! Don't see him, don't converse with him because he will play on that vulnerability. You'll get over him in time.

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