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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Financial abuse...advice needed?

75 replies

MissHemsworth · 20/10/2016 22:58

Hoping for some advice I think I've had my eyes opened to what my DH is really like but still doubting myself. Someone today told me he sounds financially abusive. Sounds so stupid but how would I know if he is/& or being controlling? I can't believe he is the same man I married 6 years ago our new 'role changes' (him: high flying career, me: SAHM to look after DCs & support high flying career) seem to have taken their toll on our marriage. He has changed so much. I come from an EA family so find it hard to know what is normal. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
FlabulousChic · 20/10/2016 23:10

Do you have access to family money?

Pickled0nions · 20/10/2016 23:12

I think you need to explain what is actually happening for anybody to know whether it's financial abuse.

Bogeyface · 20/10/2016 23:19

Do you have free access to money?
Can you buy what you want/need without being questioned?
Do you both have the same amount of "pocket" money?
Are major financial decisions made jointly?

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 20/10/2016 23:28

Sorry, yes I realise OP is a bit vague. DH gives me set amount each month. I have to ask him for it repeatedly he refuses to set up a Standing order. This covers utilities, council tax, DCs clubs, school holiday activities, shopping. I have to budget to the last penny. He has a lot of disposable income which he will be reluctant to spend on anything that doesn't benefit him. For example there are so many things that need repairing around the house that have needed doing for ages. They haven't been sorted because that money spent doesn't benefit him in any way. Getting new shoes for DCs, he forgets his wallet. He's happy to 'flash the cash' in front of friends though. There are a lot of other instances that don't feel 'right' IYSWIM.

I don't know if I'm just feeling sorry for myself (being used to earning my own money) or this is a fairly normal set up, or he's being controlling. I can't get a job as DCs are young (financially it wouldn't work out) & I wouldn't get any support with childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissHemsworth · 20/10/2016 23:30

I don't have free access to money really, just what he gives me each month every month it goes on the same things.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissHemsworth · 20/10/2016 23:32

No access to pocket money.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissHemsworth · 20/10/2016 23:34

The last major financial decision was made by him. He bought himself a new car (he did need one tbf as the one he had was on its last legs) but he didn't consult me in this at all.

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 20/10/2016 23:43

It definitely sounds like financial abuse to me. He's treating you like a child and dicking about, controlling whether he will choose to hand over money for essential expenses. It's family money, not his. You have earned it too by working at home. You should have equal access to it.
Check out whether he is abusive in other ways you hadn't realised here and on the Women's Aid website.

Bogeyface · 20/10/2016 23:48

Certainly sounds like it then.

What happens if you ask him for more money? Say you need a new car, what would happen then? What happens to the rest of his income?

If you said "This isnt enough I need £X per month to cover essential outgoings plus £Y for my own use", what do you think his reaction would be?

Sounds like when you were earning and he was relying on that to pay the bills he was happy to share, but now he is the only earner, its all his.

Why wouldnt it work out financially for you to return? You would be paying half the childcare and him the other half, they are his children too.

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 20/10/2016 23:53

Thank you keeping I will have a look at that link.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 00:00

I have asked for a new car (mine is ancient, unreliable & costs a bomb to run) it hasn't even been entertained.

He would want to know what I wanted it for. I actually hate asking him but that could just be me, no one likes asking for money right?!

He's away mon- fri so it would be me taking time off with poorly kids & school holidays etc. That is however a good point about sharing child care costs equally.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/10/2016 00:05

If you insisted on full and free access to all accounts and money, what would he say do you think? What would his reasons be for saying no?

Yes, you are being financially abused and tbh, I think you need to consider whether you are prepared to live like that long term as I very much doubt he will change. He could, but I doubt it as it doesnt seem like he values you as an equal at all.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2016 00:06

And I hate to say this, but given that he is away Mon-Fri do you think that he might be refusing access to accounts to hide something else?

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 00:09

He definitely doesn't see me as an equal, he seems to have very little respect for women. I've always trusted him...but now I feel like I don't know him at all. He ticks a lot of boxes on the EA article

OP posts:
Original poster
MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 00:12

Posted too soon...

I should imagine if we had a shared account it would open up a whole new can of worms. if I suggested it he would probably be ok but just never get round to sorting it out or stalling tactics which he uses a lot,

OP posts:
user1476869312 · 21/10/2016 00:56

Yes, it's abuse. The big red flag is the fact that you have to ask for the money every month. Does he 'forget' to transfer it, or make you wait for it if you have been disobedient in some way (refusing sex, not laughing at his new joke, not making a cup of tea immediately he asks for one)?

Akire · 21/10/2016 01:08

Sounds like abuse, do you know his take home pay? Essential in a one wage family. Do you have any money for yourself? Budgets all well and good but everyone needs odd bit cash for themselves.

What is he doing with the rest of the money? Does he talk about long term plans? how much is he spending on himself? Find it hard believe he's not spending on himself and you can't spend £10 now and again.

What do you think would happen if you mentioned going back to work and paying half childcare? And having half left over? Or would he still expect you use all the rest on your half of the bills?

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 06:43

Yes user he has done that many times not sure if its punishment though, I think he just likes me asking, likes having that power over me. He's the same with everything I ask of him. I have confronted him about this, he'll deny it & only recall the (few ) times he's transferred the money without me asking. Why he can't just set up a standing order is beyond me!

If I need money for anything it has to come out of the weekly shopping budget (I'm talking small amounts though).

However, He'll happily pay for holidays. We went away with friends a few times last year. He won't quibble about giving me money for new clothes for the DCs & me for the holiday.

I know his gross take home pay but that's about it. It's a very decent wage, his take home I could probably work out. His outgoings are the same if not less than mine (mortgage, luxuries like sky etc).

When we 1st moved in (8 years ago) he changed his account to a joint account. However we have never used it as a joint account & it's just been forgotten. I know if I bought anything up about money & not having enough etc this will be his get out of jail free card. He's done it before & made it out to be my fault. I think me having access to spending from his account would also cause issues though.

This isn't everything though. He is very indifferent towards me, he just can't be bothered with a conversation unless it's about him or his job (he has always been like this, it is hard) He punishes me if we don't have sex (I don't feel like it ATM I'm too fed up TBH). He makes horrible little jibes then when I react he's 'just joking' & I'm being over sensitive. He's also incompetent & lazy around the house (I have a whole other thread about that).

OP posts:
Original poster
MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 06:45

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant....

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Original poster
MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 06:51

If I got a job he wouldn't give a shit as it would have zero impact on him being away mon/ fri. He would stop giving me money or give me less though & probably provide no support or interest in it. He'd drag his feet setting up payments to a child care provider. I have suggested he quit his job & we both work 9-5 (it would equate to around the same as what he's earning now). He won't talk about it.

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Shakey15000 · 21/10/2016 06:59

He sounds absolutely dreadful. No doubt he doesn't mind giving you money for holiday clothes to keep up appearances. I'll lay money he pays you and the kids more attention when in company as well.

I'd be squirrelling money away in preparation to leave. Do you have any money yourself? Where does the CB get paid into? Do you own any of the house?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2016 07:18

You are being financially abused along with being emotionally abused by him. Such men really do hate women, all of them.

I would suggest you talk to Womens Aid as they can and will help you here; their number is 0808 2000 247.

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 07:34

Yes shakey that's what I suspected also.

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Original poster
MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 07:34

...and yes he's a dream with company!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2016 07:36

He actively enjoys wielding such power and control over you; this is what abuse is all about.

He sees you and in turn your children as non persons; he treats you as mere possessions.

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