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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Financial abuse...advice needed?

75 replies

MissHemsworth · 20/10/2016 22:58

Hoping for some advice I think I've had my eyes opened to what my DH is really like but still doubting myself. Someone today told me he sounds financially abusive. Sounds so stupid but how would I know if he is/& or being controlling? I can't believe he is the same man I married 6 years ago our new 'role changes' (him: high flying career, me: SAHM to look after DCs & support high flying career) seem to have taken their toll on our marriage. He has changed so much. I come from an EA family so find it hard to know what is normal. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:

Report

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2016 07:37

Abusive people can and do often appear very plausible to those in the outside world. But the mask can and does slip because its an act they cannot keep up.

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 07:38

Financially I don't have anything, no savings nothing everything went into the house & getting by whilst being part time/on mat. Leave etc. I own half the house though in his mind it's his house. I also own my car outright.

OP posts:

toptoe · 21/10/2016 07:42

Yes he is.

Sadly, a controlling nature does not change because the abuser likes it the way it is. Everything is done to benefit them so they never change: it would not benefit him (in his view).

A dysfunctional relationship between parents always affects the children.

toptoe · 21/10/2016 07:44

Go and visit citizen's advice. They can advise you on your options.

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 07:58

Thank you top toe I didn't even consider CAB.

OP posts:

NewStartNow · 21/10/2016 08:25

Oh yes. That is abusive.
And the little jibes described as jokes is textbook.
Being charm personified in public is also textbook.
Definitely get some advice and get out of there. Good luck

ParForTheCourses · 21/10/2016 08:26

Yes it's financial abuse, playing power games. Definitely go to cab.

Leopard12 · 21/10/2016 08:34

If the account is shared tell the bank you've forgotten login details then you can look to see what's in it and what he spends it on (without telling him and knowing how much he has can help if you leave) I think one of the key things is if you said, oh I never started using it as a joint account it would be much easier to do the shop from it I'll ring the bank this week what would his reaction be

QueenLaBeefah · 21/10/2016 09:17

Have you looked into how you would stand financially if you separated?

You would probably be entitled to tax credits and working tax credits if you go back to work. You might be better off being without him.

Beebeeeight · 21/10/2016 09:24

He punishes me if we don't have sex

He's a rapist. Get your dcs out of that house TODAY.

Phone women's aid.

You and the dcs need a refuge space.

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 10:20

Queen no I haven't, would the CAB be able to help with that? This has all very recently come to light my 1st port of call was here TBH!

Leopard yes I've actually planned to go into the bank to see if I can get a new card/log in details etc might have to show ID I guess. I can see where all of his bloody money goes then! The part I'm dreading is bringing it up with him that that's what I'm doing.

I wouldn't say he's a rapist Bee but he will sulk for days if we don't dtd I'm struggling with that TBH he has always had a very high sex drive!

OP posts:

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 10:30

My main concerns are him kicking me out or if I get to stay in the house how the hell do I pay the mortgage!

OP posts:

Horsemad · 21/10/2016 12:28

Bee, don't be ridiculous he is not a rapist.

He does sound financially abusive though OP. The good news is, you have RIGHTS and it is in your interests (and your DC's) to exercise those rights.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2016 13:11

www.entitledto.co.uk/
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/

The above will help you work out his take home and then from that what he would have to pay in child support, also the entitledto website will show you roughly what you would be able to claim in terms of tax credits etc. It probably isnt as bad as you think, men like him like to keep you in fear of what will happen if they stop "supporting" (hah!) you, they want you to think that they are generous and keeping you from being poor when 99 times out of 100 you would be better off on your own.

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 13:53

Thanks Horsemad (love the username btw!)

OP posts:

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 13:54

Wow that's great thank you Bogey!

OP posts:

SlowTrain · 21/10/2016 14:08

You sound miserable OP with all this, not surprisingly. If you start now you can get help (and legal advice) to start a better life. Good luck.

Serafina3 · 21/10/2016 14:26

OP, I'm also a SAHM and DH has been the sole earner for 12 years, in which time his business has rocketed. We just have a shared account with our own cards and that's it. If I need something for myself or the DCs I just get it. I never have to ask him for anything. Obviously if it's a big thing like a new car, I would run this by him, but he will generally be fine. There has never been any such thing as "his" or "mine". I think I would feel quite trapped and patronised being given a set amount each month. Sorry but I think he is being very disrespectful towards you. flowers

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 14:48

Ah Serafina that's how it should be!

OP posts:

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 14:50

Thank you Slowtrain.

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Serafina3 · 21/10/2016 14:59

Could you put it to him that if you trust and respect someone enough to have a child with them, how can a joint bank account and equal access to money be an issue? If a man wants his wife to leave work in order to support him, run the home and take care of the DC, then equal access to all finances is part of the deal. He can't have it both ways.

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 15:44

You are right Serafina I just know if I put it to him it will be met with hands in the air big wide eyes & an 'of course, what exactly are you accusing me of... ' now when the money starts leaving his account, that will be another story I should imagine. I will have to start accounting for every purchase or he'll start getting narky.

Bogey thank you so much for those links! I think with CM, benefits calculated & a PT job I could get by. This has given me a new perspective of it all.

I need to decide what I'm going to do...

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keepingonrunning · 21/10/2016 15:45

I'm sorry to say it but the entitled, abusive, highly sexed sort of man you are describing is often the sort of man who has an OW(s). It would certainly be easy for him to conceal it from you: away Mon-Fri and full control of the purse strings to fund any extra-curricular relationships/hook-ups as he chooses.
Do you have access to bank account statements (apologies if I missed it before)?

keepingonrunning · 21/10/2016 15:59

If you decided to end your marriage he would have to pay child maintenance. The Child Maintenance Service can take it direct from his employer if tries to exert more control over whether he pays it or not.

Iamgettingout · 21/10/2016 16:38

Good luck with deciding what to do.

Financially I am no worse off since my stbxh left as I can now claim child benefit and working tax credits. My youngest gets free school meals and I get free prescriptions too which helps a lot.

The main huge improvement though is that I can decide how the money is spent and don't have to ask for money for school shoes or trips and suffer the embarrassment and humiliation of having to justify where "all" the money has gone.

Flip

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