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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Financial abuse...advice needed?

75 replies

MissHemsworth · 20/10/2016 22:58

Hoping for some advice I think I've had my eyes opened to what my DH is really like but still doubting myself. Someone today told me he sounds financially abusive. Sounds so stupid but how would I know if he is/& or being controlling? I can't believe he is the same man I married 6 years ago our new 'role changes' (him: high flying career, me: SAHM to look after DCs & support high flying career) seem to have taken their toll on our marriage. He has changed so much. I come from an EA family so find it hard to know what is normal. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:

Report

Bogeyface · 21/10/2016 16:51

You're welcome Miss I am glad to have helped.

One thing, how many DC do you have? From April next year all benefit claims will be capped to 2 children, so if you have more than 2 then you need to get your claim in well before then. Mercenary but sadly a fact.

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 17:09

I know keeping & I agree, however he KNOWS that it is categorically wrong to cheat. So he won't. He KNOWS it's categorically wrong to hit a woman. So he won't, if that makes sense? I'd be pretty shocked if he did TBH.

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MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 17:16

Thank you lam. Well done for getting out, that's good to know. I worked out that I could get by even if he paid me minimum CM. would be nice to get some control over the finances for me & the DCs.

Bogey I have 2 DC! Thanks for the heads up though,

OP posts:

Happyinthehills · 21/10/2016 17:24

So you could get access to and spend money from the joint account?

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 18:18

Yes I could Happy. Not sure what it would entail to get that access though.

OP posts:

Happyinthehills · 21/10/2016 18:31

Popping in to the bank and talking to them as a first step?

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 18:38

That's my plan happy. I'm curious as to what the reaction will be when I raise it with DH "oh I will be getting the shopping with money from our joint account from now on if that's ok?" Hmmmmm...

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Iamgettingout · 21/10/2016 18:55

Well if you manage it and he doesn't ask for receipts for proof of what you spent I would be adding cashback to your supermarket shops, £10 or £20 on every shop and you'll build up an escape fund for yourself!

Happyinthehills · 21/10/2016 19:16

Why raise it with him? It's a joint account, you don't need his permission.

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 19:45

Iam I like your thinking

Happy I'd tell him out of courtesy more than anything.

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Happyinthehills · 21/10/2016 20:08

I think if I was in your position I would want to access the account to see what's going on with the money you don't see and then just start using it as a proper joint account, that would save him the job of transferring an allowance to you.
And you would have the benefit of seeing his reaction.

MissHemsworth · 21/10/2016 20:20

Yes Happy it would be the logical thing to do wouldn't it. I guess I only know his reaction if I actually do it

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Happyinthehills · 21/10/2016 20:34

That's right, then you can make your decisions about your future with good data.

Bogeyface · 21/10/2016 22:43

Can I offer a word of caution to using it straight away?

Get your replacement card from the bank and get statements, so you can keep an eye on it to see where the money is going.

If you do decide to split up then you will have an idea of the financial situation, if he is paying into a savings account or pension you dont know about for example, which you would be entitled to half of. And of course you will be able to see if there are any transactions while he is away that there shouldnt be or stand out as being a bit odd.

Only when you are happy that you have the full picture (you can request that the bank sends you back dated statements) should you start using the account, and you will then immediately be able to see if there are differences. So if money suddenly starts disappearing at a faster rate than before it could indicate that he is trying to hide assets.....

Better to get yourself fully informed BEFORE you show your cards.

Happyinthehills · 21/10/2016 22:51

Yes, keep an eye on it for a good while then you'll get full information to work with.

user1476869312 · 21/10/2016 23:23

Don't waste time or energy 'putting it to him' that he is treating you badly. He knows perfectly well what he is doing. In his mind, you are a 'woman', not a person, and therefore you exist to feed his ego, service him domestically and accept his dick being stuck in you. His behaviour is all about training you to 'know your place'.
Do your research regarding your rights and what financial support you can get when you end this abusive relationship, but do it carefully and discreetly. Men who hate women do not give up control lightly: he will try to 'bring you to heel' in various u npleasant ways if he realises that you have seen through him. Sometimes men like this become physically violent, even if they have never been violent before.
You will need to get support, and put up walls against him. Men like this may try to enlist your family and friends to 'put you back in your place' (if you live somewhere with a lot of 'traditional' ie woman-hating cultural values, it's going to be an even harder slog), will withold child maintenance, dick about over contact with children etc. It's hard work but a) there is support out there and you can do it and b) None of this is your fault and you can keep these men at a safe distance.

Beebeeeight · 22/10/2016 08:31

Coerced sex is rape.

Don't listen to the rape apologists on here.

If you don't believe me look at the rape threads that are going just now.

MissHemsworth · 22/10/2016 09:52

Bogey you are a wealth of information! He does have savings but he's sketchy about how much is in there. I did not know I could potentially be entitled to half. Yes I agree I'm not going to rush this I'm going to line my ducks up first as the saying on here frequently goes...

User you read my mind about whether I tackle this with him or not (part of me feels like I owe it to our marriage) but my gut says no. He will not change if I point out he's being abusive. If anything he'll get worse & as you say enlist people. Saying that he & my family hate each other & he treats his own mother & sister terribly. Also he has no friends.

Thank you all for everything on here I'm so glad I started this thread you have all been amazing.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2016 10:00

"User you read my mind about whether I tackle this with him or not (part of me feels like I owe it to our marriage) but my gut says no".

Listen to your gut. Tackling any of this with him is a waste of time. Do not fall into the sunken costs fallacy trap.

MissHemsworth · 22/10/2016 10:12

Thanks Attila I needed to hear that!

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Bogeyface · 22/10/2016 21:37

Any savings that he has that have been accrued during your marriage are half yours, because it is seen as an asset of the marriage therefore he can try to hide it all he wants but a forensic accountant will easily find it.

What the statements should do is tip you off as to where he is sending his savings so you know the bank and you may be able to get the account number and sort code too so that if you do divorce you can put that information into the financial statement.m Also of course you can see how much he is saving every month which should give you a rough idea of what may be in there.

MissHemsworth · 23/10/2016 02:24

Thank you bogey it will be my 1st port of call - his accounts.

Today has been horrible it's apparent (now that it is clear my head) that he is EA. constant personal sexual innuendoes which, if I don't respond positively to I'm 'grumpy or 'don't have a sense of humour' plus the constant groping of my boobs too. Being ignored when I talk to him. Luckily he's passed out as he's had a few drinks as he's helped out today (made a point of me noticing/wanting thanks etc) otherwise he'd be wanting something in return!

OP posts:

BellaPuppy · 05/01/2020 00:26

@misshemsworth how did you get on I'm just reading the thread now and wondered how you were?

Weenurse · 05/01/2020 00:55

How are things going?

plumpmom · 05/01/2020 03:59

Hope the OP got out

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