Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Opinions please

100 replies

lucy165 · 20/10/2016 09:55

Hi everyone....

This isn't a really serious post or anything really but something that's been nagging me abit. I've been with my partner nearly a year, he has 2 children who have just had their birthdays, I bought them both presents and cards etc.

My other child had his birthday and my partner didn't get him anything,
not even a card which did frustrate me but he literally had no money at the time. He's self employed and absolutely no one was paying him. It was a very stressful time and he felt awful about not getting my son a present but I said it was fine, I totally understood his money issues etc.

Now it's my daughters birthday tomorrow as I mentioned and he's not got her anything. He's not even mentioned that he's going too. Both his children are coming to my daughters party tonight.

I'm going to be abit annoyed if he doesn't get her anything. I went out of my way for his daughters birthday to get her something I knew she really wanted. It wasn't easy to get hold of or cheap for that matter but I didn't mind because I have a great relationship with her and it was lovely to see her opening her present.

I really don't think he's going to bother getting my daughter anything. Like I say, when it was my sons birthday I totally understood but that's been and gone now and he's got money in the bank.

I know it was my decision to get his daughter something nice, I shouldn't expect the same from him but it's the fact he's not even thinking he should be at least getting her a card. We're aren't at the stage where we would write both our names in a daughter card or anything.

As I'm writing this post, I'm just thinking I sound such an idiot and this is petty. We just spend every weekend together now as a family, our kids get on great but I just feel it's one rule for his kids and another for mine. I do everything I can to make his children feel welcome and at home in my house, I buy all their food when they are here, clean up after them. He knows i do so much for his family and tells me how much he appreciates it but he can't even get my daughter a card when it's her birthday

OP posts:

Creampastry · 24/10/2016 07:07

You're excusing your dh who is not amazing and loving and "typical" man ...., nah, he's selfish and thoughtless and you seem to enable and allow it.

MotherOfDragons27 · 25/10/2016 11:50

Did he take her shopping OP?

CalleighDoodle · 26/10/2016 23:06

Of course he didnt!

Montane50 · 26/10/2016 23:37

Im guessing by no update it didn't go well on Saturday op? Sounds like you and your kids deserve better. It makes me wonder what happened between him and his kids mother too?

Molly333 · 27/10/2016 06:00

Blimey I'm reading this with interest seeing as it's got a bit"aggy" .

My humble opinion is that if you weren't there how would he manage ? Would he be able to manage ? Is this the life his ex had and she had enough of it . Be careful you too could become her, have her life . In my opinion just be careful you don't vecome surrogate mum, baby sitter . I speak from experience here x good luck

user1477495297 · 27/10/2016 07:58

I am the original OP. I couldn't log on to this post as forgot my password and had to start again actually.....just was scrolling through here and saw his pop up.

Also from Friday night onwards my daughter started with a sickness bug, then I had it and so did my son so believe it or not there I'm not actually glued to Mumsnet and hadn't actually had the time to check this.

But YES HE DID BUY HER SOMETHING. As she was very poorly with the tummy bug he couldn't take her. But on his way to pick his daughter up on sat morning he bought her present which I didn't know he was actually going to do. And what he did buy her was very thoughtful to be honest. I assumed he would just pick anything but what he's got was lovely. He then wrapped it in the car and brought it in when he got back. It's the best present she's had to be honest.

If anyone replies to this, most are going to say 'guilty conscience' or something but to be honest, I don't care. He's been my rock whilst me and the kids have been ill. He's looked after all of us and the last few days I would of been lost without him. People can comment on this all they like now to be honest as it's something that was bothering me but it's done now. Hes definetly redeemed himself the last few days.

user1477495297 · 27/10/2016 07:59

And for everyone asking about his ex - no idea why this is even an issue. They broke up a long long time ago, she was sleeping with his brother

WelshMoth · 27/10/2016 08:17

Cabrinha isn't aggressive. She has firm beliefs on equality and has responded accordingly to what's been written. Neither do I think she's derailing this thread - her points have been very valid.

OP it's difficult to read humour in the written word so I was also a bit with the expensive gift comment - it just seemed perpetuate a really dated attitude to relationships. But, as you say, it's your humour. Perhaps you should use a few strikethroughs to emphasise your humour/sarcasm or else posters will not know the difference.

I sincerely hope that your DP is true to his word and spends time and some cash on your DC's birthdays. As loving and affectionate as a partner is, fundamental issues like inequality will rankle and eventually erode a relationship. Too many women are putting up with this behaviour (and we hear quite a lot that it's a "man-thing" which pisses a lot of women off when they are married to/relate to decent blokes). Plus, which very much pisses me off, there are Mums out there instilling this archaic attitude with their DC. so it goes on and on.

You'll learn a lot from your DP's Mum OP - what's she like?

Hope things are well OP.

WelshMoth · 27/10/2016 08:20

Ah X-post. I'm such a slow typist, darn it. Glad all is well - sorry you feel so defensive OP.

user1477495297 · 27/10/2016 08:21

Yes she's lovely too, I have a great relationship with her.

Molly333 · 27/10/2016 08:22

Ahh I glad he did that and that its all resolved . Re the comments you've received , ive been reading it all and Feel some people get pushy , I get why but isn't mumsnet about supporting one another , caring for other women .? Most importantly relationships are about compromise and looking after and loving one another and unfortunately in life we all have to take chances or we may miss opportunities of happiness.

I guess what I'm saying is we can't really force opinions, we can guide ( kindly) as we don't have the whole picture , just a snippet of a persons life . Good luck x

user1477495297 · 27/10/2016 08:33

Thank you Molly, I agree with you totally. I've actually decided that Mumsnet is the worst possible place to come for advice. People judge you because they don't know you properly and make you feel like shit. All this was about was my partner not getting my daughter a present - not feminism and everything this has turned into lol.

I gave dps cousin a ring on Friday as I've got very close to her and told her about it. Her response was 'you know what he's like, he's so busy at work and his mind just doesn't work like it, he loves you and your kids so much' and then she forwarded me a what's app message he had sent her the other week saying how happy he was with me etc. She's right too, his mind doesn't work that way. As much as he loves his mum, it's her bday next week and he's not thought about it yet. I have because my mind works like that and I'm a very organised person. His doesn't and that's fine, that's the way he is.

If he didn't care about me or my kids, he wouldn't of stayed up all night cleaning up my daughters puke so I could get some sleep with having the same bug.

This post honestly has gone way too far. Like Molly said this page should be about supporting each other but the majority seem to get a lockout of bringing other people down. Which is so wrong as for some it can take a lot of courage to post on these things and to be brought down even more is not nice. But anyway. All I needed to do was speak so someone who knows my partner which I have done. Not a load of strangers who have no idea. I've definetly learnt from this.

user1477495297 · 27/10/2016 08:34

Get a kick out of

WelshMoth · 27/10/2016 08:44

OP, you've mostly had good advice, solidarity and a few posters who are seeing a possible bigger picture here. No one getting a kick out of anyone nor anything.

user1477495297 · 27/10/2016 08:46

Saying that I'm sexist (which I am not in no way shape or form) is not good advice lol

adora1 · 27/10/2016 17:45

OP what do you expect on an internet forum, chocolate covered replies, I mean honestly, if you can't hack honest replies I'd not post again.

As for your DP, lazy and inconsiderate, regardless of him now having got her something; he got bugger all for either of your kid's birthdays and a half hearted attempt to buy her something probably because of the dirty looks he's been receiving from you is in fact yes, out of guilt and feeling he has to.

I'd suggest you stop running after his kids, buying their food and ensuring they get a present the want and have same attitude towards his kids that he has towards yours, not giving a shit.

I hope he pays his way in other ways cos it sounds like he's using you.

adora1 · 27/10/2016 17:47

And your thread title is:

OPINIONS PLEASE, before you go off on one again.

Molly333 · 28/10/2016 00:15

Blimey this has become horrible !

nicenewdusters · 28/10/2016 01:27

I think you've had quite a rough ride on here OP. Which is a shame, because generally I see and feel that MN is largely wise and supportive.

For what it's worth, I think this is the kind of thread where a seemingly straight forward situation starts to ring alarm bells for posters. What appears to be forgetfulness or thoughtlessness suggests to others something deeper. Lots of posters on MN, and I would include myself, are quite sensitive to the stereotypical views of men (held by some men and women) which appear to accept that they're kind of wired differently, just because they're men. For example, "my dh isn't lazy, he just doesn't see that the house is filthy, the children are hungry, he just doesn't get it."

It's frustrating, and because in your relationship you have, as is your right, accepted behaviours that others would not, the reactions have been quite sharp. Only you have the full picture of your relationship. If he's mopping up vomit and caring for you and your kids, that may well outweigh his inability to match your consideration for his kid's birthdays. That's your call.

The thing that jumps out at me in your post is that you've been together just under a year, so it's the first birthday all round. Most people make more of an effort at the start, it's just how things are. Do you really think he couldn't find 50p for a card for your son? And he could have bought him something after the event when he had money. Whether he forgot, thought the apology was enough, whatever, the fact is despite saying he felt bad he didn't put it right. Like you that would bug me, because what's his mind set?

springydaffs · 28/10/2016 07:49

Wow, you've stuck around on MN after the grilling you got on here?? I salute you, user.

Agree that Cabrinha's posts have been unpleasant and aggressive. Bang your drum appropriately, Cabrinha - your points are valid but aggressive sniping is not.

Glad your man came up with the goods op

user1477495297 · 28/10/2016 08:07

I think it's got to the stage now where I could say 'the sky's blue' and a few on here would say 'no it's green' lol. It's not really bothered me to be honest, I'm not going to get on with everyone and not everyone is going to get on with me and that's life. Especially when you are posting your life on a website to a load of strangers. You can't expect everyone to take your side when they don't know you personally. I've got a very thick skin and had a tough time with my son who is disabled so stuff like this isn't going to bring me down. I've dealt with much worse and learnt to stick up for myself and the people around me.

I've asked admin to remove this post as it was getting out of hand but they won't as I couldn't remember my original password so has to set up a new account and it looks like I'm not the original op.

Anyway me and my partner have had a good long chat about things - I'm most definelty not going into detail as I'll just get slated - but yes there was some miscommunication with us. About our whole relationship - not just my daughters birthday. We have both realised that but it's no reason for us not to continue our relationship. We didn't argue, we never do, we talked about it like adults. He could see my point totally and I could see his. It's sorted now, I'm happy, he's happy, our children are happy and better after a shitty half term week with the sickness bug. The end

nicenewdusters · 28/10/2016 09:17

Glad to see your update. As you say OP, you gave us a snapshot of one part of your life. You have the 360' view. It's great to see you've talked things through and and can move forwards. It's what we all want essentially. Good luck.

adora1 · 28/10/2016 11:25

I doubt one person on here OP wishes you any badness and I am glad you got it sorted out.

I guess you have to have a thick skin on this forum yes and be open to posters having different opinions; your OH did sound like he was being a right tight wad, you got extremely defensive and then the gender issue was brought into play, by yourself OP.

Instead of putting all blame on people taking the time to reply to your request for OPINIONS, take some responsibility for your own words too.

As for Cabrinha, one of the best informed advisors on here.

Molly333 · 28/10/2016 22:51

Time to stop this now I thi

Molly333 · 28/10/2016 22:51

Think

Flip

1 2 3 4