Opinions please

[lucy165]

Hi everyone....

This isn't a really serious post or anything really but something that's been nagging me abit. I've been with my partner nearly a year, he has 2 children who have just had their birthdays, I bought them both presents and cards etc.

My other child had his birthday and my partner didn't get him anything,
not even a card which did frustrate me but he literally had no money at the time. He's self employed and absolutely no one was paying him. It was a very stressful time and he felt awful about not getting my son a present but I said it was fine, I totally understood his money issues etc.

Now it's my daughters birthday tomorrow as I mentioned and he's not got her anything. He's not even mentioned that he's going too. Both his children are coming to my daughters party tonight.

I'm going to be abit annoyed if he doesn't get her anything. I went out of my way for his daughters birthday to get her something I knew she really wanted. It wasn't easy to get hold of or cheap for that matter but I didn't mind because I have a great relationship with her and it was lovely to see her opening her present.

I really don't think he's going to bother getting my daughter anything. Like I say, when it was my sons birthday I totally understood but that's been and gone now and he's got money in the bank.

I know it was my decision to get his daughter something nice, I shouldn't expect the same from him but it's the fact he's not even thinking he should be at least getting her a card. We're aren't at the stage where we would write both our names in a daughter card or anything.

As I'm writing this post, I'm just thinking I sound such an idiot and this is petty. We just spend every weekend together now as a family, our kids get on great but I just feel it's one rule for his kids and another for mine. I do everything I can to make his children feel welcome and at home in my house, I buy all their food when they are here, clean up after them. He knows i do so much for his family and tells me how much he appreciates it but he can't even get my daughter a card when it's her birthday

He doesn't sound like a good match for anyone, frankly.

Surely you and your dc deserve better than this!

I do think it sounds like he is taking advantage a bit. However the cards and presents bit I don't understand. Personally as a couple, surely cards and presents should come from both of you together for both his and your children? At least that's how we do it in my family.

I really want to ring him now and say all this too him. But I wont, just want to see if he actually does get her anything. I know he won't, I just don't want to put the idea in his head if you see what I mean

You don't need time off work to buy something over the internet and get it delivered. If he's using that as an excuse, then that's just what it is - an excuse.

Oh do tell me what "man jobs" he does?

FFS, it is not 1956.

He is a problem, but you are part of the problem with that attitude.

Why are you accepting that it is your job to buy his kids' presents, and feed them? The "woman jobs" You've got yourself into this with your own ridiculously sexist attitude.

He thinks that birthday presents are for the little woman at home to sort out. Not his problem. Sadly - so do you.

So if you weren't around his daughter would have received nothing for her birthday? Because he is so busy making no money?

Even if he has no money, he could do something nice for your kids surely? Make a pizza or cake with them, take them out on their bikes for half a day to give you a break. All sorts of things that don't require any/much money.

So he works every hour the shops are open, as well as every hour the internet is available for online orders.

That's one busy man.

I had only been with my DP 3 months when it was my DS's 2nd Birthday. They hadn't met at that point and my dp was working abroad so he ordered a present online for ds and had it arrive the day before his birthday. It wasn't expensive or anything over the top, just something that he thought ds would like from what I had told him about him.
He knows that DS is my priority and wanted to make us both happy. Your dp doesn't seem bothered whether you are happy or not, so long as you are doing the 'woman's work'. You haven't even been together 1 year and he has you looking after his kids and buying their presents for them.
I hope he does surprise you tomorrow but I honestly doubt that he will.

You have fallen into the trap of equating affection/compliments etc with love. It's very easy to be "lovely" when someone is looking after you and your kids and you don't have to do anything in return that involves actual effort. I mean kisses and cuddles and telling you nice things probably makes him feel good too, right? Cleaning up after his own kids...not so much.

And as for no time to click on Amazon and choose a present for your DC...bullshit. If he hasn't got time for that then he really doesn't have time for a relationship.

Do you ever take your DC round to his on a weekend? Or is it all too cushy round yours?

I want to know more about how you ended up feeding his kids and paying for the privilege.

Somehow I don't think you're going to tell me that you're at his with your kids an equal amount of time and he pays and cooks for your kids then.

And I'd place s hefty bet that you've done some childcare for him this year too. Even if that is enteryaining his children more than he does when he is there.

I understand it's not 1956 for gods sake. By man jobs I mean the jobs that are a right pain that I hate doing. Most relationships have the jobs that the men do and the jobs that the women do. And yes he does cook tea and put the washing away and vacuum. He does women jobs too - lucky me. This doesn't mean I am sexist in any way shape or form. I am actually the opposite.

I'm concentrating on my daughters party for the day - I might be sexist, a push over and all this is my fault - but I'm definitely not a bad mother

He won't get my daughter a card or present. I know this for a fact. I will kick off about it and go off and one as I have every right to do so

You just have to focus on not letting this ruin the party right now

I agree I would also be very pissed off.
I have always been able to see exactly why a previous relationship has ended at this point of seeing all their bad habits and set ways, despite anything else he tells you - this also pissed Off his ex and he still hasn't changed.

I'm too nice and get sucked into stuff like this so don't feel bad. I've even had close friends do it. People take me and children for granted and boils my piss!

Who said you're a bad mother??

Cooking and cleaning aren't women's jobs any more than other things are men's jobs.

This is being pointed out to you in the hopes that you will realise that just because he's not entirely useless, that doesn't mean he's a good or selfless partner!

Arghhhhhhh I know they aren't women's jobs!!!!!!! I'm being sarcastic for goodness sake. All I was doing is trying to point out this he has his jobs and I have mine. That's all

For god's sake right back at you

How can you say you're not sexist and in the same breath say he doesn't women's jobs? He doesn't

He does jobs.

Yes, every couple splits jobs up according to their own interests and skills and time. I'm a dab hand at shelves, and no-one stacks a dishwasher as efficiently as my boyfriend.

You are sexist because you have absorbed a belief that it's OK for a man not to bother getting his own child a birthday present. I would have been just as disappointed in him for that, as for not getting my own child one. But you weren't. You happily trotted out to sort it for him like the good little woman you are.

So he has time to ccok tea and put washing away but not to say "Lucy would you mind cooking/putting the washing away this once so I can quickly go online and order your DC's birthday present?"

You haven't answered whether you take your kids round to his?

As for "kicking off about it and going off on one".
Well yes - you could.
Or you could address it more maturely and tell him it's unacceptable and mean it?
Of course, no doubt you were just being sarcastic about going off on one

Look, it's your first thread so I apologise that my irritation at crap at "man jobs" means my posts have been quite aggressive.

Back to your OP - please don't minimise this as being nothing, his lack of effort is a big thing, and there are other warning signs with you feeding his children for free.

I hope you enjoy the party.

Why don't you just tell him you expect him to get a present? I get it, you want him to think of it on his own, but I'm not hearing that you're always reminding him and he just isn't getting it. I mean it sounds like you didn't mention it around the time of your ds' birthday because you didn't want to stress him, and now you're hoping he has some epiphany ahead of tonight?

He won't without prompting, will he. He didn't even make it out to buy his own dd's gift (although I'm assuming he thought to buy her one independently), but his sense of priorities is a bigger issue. It's no bad thing you're thinking about the bigger picture and it sounds like it warrants a conversation. Is this his first blended family set up?

Anyway, I would literally just say you understood about ds' birthday but would he please buy a gift for dd. To be honest he'll probably respond with "whaaaaa? I hadn't thought of that, how am I meant to do that before tomorrow?" and obviously you thought as much, but it'll get him thinking, then you can have a chat about it and tell him how upset you are and how you think it's indicative of a wider issue. Cue deep and meaningful.

He's about 0% likely to turn up with a gift tonight; don't let it ruin the party for you.

You have worked out during thistnread that you are giving much more to this relationship than he is. The points about it being easy to give a kisscuddle in return for all you do is well made.
And that it would take a minute to order something online/you buying his presents for him that you ha e fallen for his BSabout being busier than you...
So time for a chat. In a calm time & after yr DDs Bday celebrations. Good luck!

OP you have worked out through this thread that you put much more into this relationship than him. A brief kiss/cuddle in return does not cut it! He should also make some actual effort to demonstrate he cares too.
The point about the time it would take to buy a present online is well made. That you also went to buy HIS present for his DD suggests you fell for his BS about being busier than you too....
So time for a serious chat with bim about all this. But after DDs birthday celebrations. Good luck!

Sorry! Thought my first effort had disappeared into the ether!

So party is over, I am absolutely drained as my daughter had a nasty fall just before the end of school and wasn't in the mood for it at all.

Anyway my partner hadn't got her anything and still hasn't. But what he did do, without any prompt from me is give her a cuddle and say he was so sorry he hadn't had the time to get her anything, he's promised to take her to the toy shop on Saturday. Not ideal, not happy he's not got her anything but the thought of giving her a cuddle and saying she could pick anything she wanted made it slightly better.

I'm too tired and emotional tonight to talk to him about anything else. He's gone to get me a Burger King and then I'm off to bed. One of them days today.

Again, I won't be reminding him to take her out on Saturday, my daughter will most likely do that for me lol, but if he doesn't for any reason then I'll take it from there. He knows I'm pissed off about it from the mood I'm in with him so we will see

You two don't communicate too well, do you

Clearly not