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Original poster

Opinions please

100 replies

lucy165 · 20/10/2016 09:55

Hi everyone....

This isn't a really serious post or anything really but something that's been nagging me abit. I've been with my partner nearly a year, he has 2 children who have just had their birthdays, I bought them both presents and cards etc.

My other child had his birthday and my partner didn't get him anything,
not even a card which did frustrate me but he literally had no money at the time. He's self employed and absolutely no one was paying him. It was a very stressful time and he felt awful about not getting my son a present but I said it was fine, I totally understood his money issues etc.

Now it's my daughters birthday tomorrow as I mentioned and he's not got her anything. He's not even mentioned that he's going too. Both his children are coming to my daughters party tonight.

I'm going to be abit annoyed if he doesn't get her anything. I went out of my way for his daughters birthday to get her something I knew she really wanted. It wasn't easy to get hold of or cheap for that matter but I didn't mind because I have a great relationship with her and it was lovely to see her opening her present.

I really don't think he's going to bother getting my daughter anything. Like I say, when it was my sons birthday I totally understood but that's been and gone now and he's got money in the bank.

I know it was my decision to get his daughter something nice, I shouldn't expect the same from him but it's the fact he's not even thinking he should be at least getting her a card. We're aren't at the stage where we would write both our names in a daughter card or anything.

As I'm writing this post, I'm just thinking I sound such an idiot and this is petty. We just spend every weekend together now as a family, our kids get on great but I just feel it's one rule for his kids and another for mine. I do everything I can to make his children feel welcome and at home in my house, I buy all their food when they are here, clean up after them. He knows i do so much for his family and tells me how much he appreciates it but he can't even get my daughter a card when it's her birthday

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/10/2016 22:04

He may think you're in a mood because your daughter had a fall and you've been stressed about organising a party.
So it would be a good idea to actually talk to him about it at the weekend.

I'm not impressed by the birthday present TBH - grandiose promises to buy anything she wants sounds like chucking money at something he couldn't be bothered to do properly. Like throwing money at you to sort out his child's present before.

Your daughter will no doubt be happy, but it wouldn't reassure me that he was showing the right level of care and effort at all.

Is your son old enough to make the comparison that he got fuck all?

Original poster
lucy165 · 20/10/2016 22:44

My son is disabled so has no idea he got fuck all no

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 22:45

That's kinda worse. Almost like taking advantage of that fact Confused

He couldn't have put some money in a card?

Original poster
lucy165 · 20/10/2016 23:01

I totally agree with the card thing, a card he 100% could of got. Though he may surprise me and her one tomorrow - doubt it. not sure about the money though. She wouldn't really understand how much she had or what she could spend it on. I'd rather he take her, spend some time with her. I hope she picks the most expensive thing in the shop too

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:03

How old is she? Most kids understand money over the age of about 5. Money = buys things

TempusEedjit · 20/10/2016 23:07

When he gave you the money to go birthday shopping for his daughter, who actually picked out the presents?

Btw sorry your own daughter had a fall, I hope it doesn't spoil her birthday Flowers

Original poster
lucy165 · 20/10/2016 23:11

He picked the presents, I should of stated that. He actually reserved them all too at smyths toys, he just gave me the cash to buy them. Not defending him but he works most days 8-8 and then Friday to Sunday has his daughter so I had no problem just nipping out to pick them up.

Yeah she understands money, she just wouldn't be excited by it. She would much prefer to be taken to the toy shop and pick what she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
lucy165 · 20/10/2016 23:12

And thank you, she's fine. From what school said, it sounded bad. Just one of those where it's the shock more than actually hurting themselves. She had just tired herself or from crying x

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:12

He just sounds pretty lazy to me!
False promises will wear thin pretty fast. I agree you should not have to nag and remind him.

Original poster
lucy165 · 20/10/2016 23:13

Tired herself out that should say

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/10/2016 23:16

"I hope she picks the most expensive thing in the shop too"

Hmm

Is that because the best way to get your own back on a man who treats you shabbily is to at least make him buy you some trinket?

You know, instead of not putting up with it and talking about it?

Original poster
lucy165 · 20/10/2016 23:22

I'm joking yet again cabrinha - honestly you need to get a sense off humour. Stop belittling me. Everything I say you take completely out of context. I don't care what she gets as long as she likes it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lucy165 · 20/10/2016 23:25

Yep it's bad he hasn't got her anything, we all agree there including myself. I've had a shit day and right now I don't know what I'm going to do about it.

However lazy is also putting money in a card. The fact he's offered to take her out is better in my opinion. I am not making excuses for him, I'm very angry with him. However if the only 2 options left are sticking money in a card or actually taking her to the shop himself to buy her something - id pick that one.

Wether he sticks to that or not is another story, time will tell

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 20/10/2016 23:27

You can't keep making excuses for him for very much longer OP. He should be shaping up or shipping out. You have to talk to him

Original poster
lucy165 · 20/10/2016 23:35

Have I said I'm not going to talk to him? No.
I'm also not making excuses for him. He has it got her a present, I've said I'm pissed off about it. That's the whole reason I posted on here. I will talk to him however tonight I don't have the energy to do so. He's not here anyway so I couldn't even if I wanted to. Tomorrow is my daughters birthday so any negativity will be put to one side until Friday night when she's asleep Saturday when yes I will be speaking to him.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/10/2016 23:41

My sense of humour suits me just fine and is perfectly intact, thank you.

It is a world away from yours though.

I don't find references to man jobs and laughing about punishing badly behaved men by making them pay out for gifts.

I don't think you're joking at all - that is your underlying attitude, and it sucks.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 20/10/2016 23:47

Hope you're ok? Take time to sleep, you sound like you've been so busy!
I can empathise in a way with the busy work lifestyle he leads. My husband works running his own business and it's tiring, hard and can absolutely box his head in. To the point he gets absent minded/forgetful-it's sometimes like his brain just filters out anything other than work. I'm the same in my line of work and training-I get tired and stressed and very forgetful (and sometimes selfish).
Maybe after this weekend it'd be a good time to make time, just you two, for a calm, honest chat about what's gone on and a way forward to both work together. Then see how it goes from there xx

ocelot7 · 21/10/2016 00:58

Cabrinha tranquilo! Elsewhere i see you make cogent points but here you do seem to interpret everything the OP says very negatively. It seemed clear to me that stuff wasn't serious & to emphasize it was just detracting from the main point....and making you cross for no reason.

Original poster
lucy165 · 21/10/2016 07:18

Cabrinha - you are literally reading my posts and picking at everything trying to make it a massive point when it's not lol. It's clear that from what you have read, you do not like me which is fine because I cannot stand you either. You are trying to bring me down - it's not working by the way. You can say what the fuck you like, I know not to listen to people like you. I'm glad someone else on here agrees with me. Just to be clear to anyone else readying this, I do realise it's not 1956, I have a lot of things according to
Cabrinha but dementia isn't one of them thankfully. The term 'man' and 'women' jobs was just a simple way to explain we have our own jobs in the house. Simoles. Just to clarify, I'm also not trying to punish my partner by hoping my daughter picks an expensive gift, clearly just a joke which I think every person on here can see - except for Miss serious.

I am not condoning my partners behaviour, i know we aren't likely to last but today is too much of a special day to be sad about it. Deep down I'm so angry, gutted etc but I can't let it show.

To everyone who's been supportive in my post, thank you very much. I'm going to wake my daughter up now, can't wait to see her face when she comes down stairs. Hope everyone has a lovely day x

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 21/10/2016 07:35

Don't care whether you can stand me or not. My opinion on you really isn't that strong either - I don't dislike you, but I do dislike the situation you're in and I think you have a part to play in that in what came across on here to me as your attitude.

Not exactly a one off joke - separate posts about man and woman jobs, about expensive presents, and of course the running around after his kids. Because you didn't just post about a one off not bothering with a card for your son - I can't scroll back but you (I think) suggested he was taking advantage generally. I'll admit, it got my gander up to see that you're paying for his kid's food. Yes, it made me cross (in a low level reading on the Internet way!) that you were doing that. But more cross with him for taking advantage!

Am I serious on a subject like that? Yeah, I am. I am serious that this man shouldn't take the piss, using you.

You may have missed my post from yesterday at 12:58 where I apologised for posting aggressively. But as I said before - I do think it's serious when one party is left to run around after the other.

stiffstink · 23/10/2016 19:48

How did your DD's birthday go, OP? Hope she enjoyed the day.

Naicehamshop · 23/10/2016 23:01

Cabrinha you are coming across as being extremely aggressive on here, to the extent that you are derailing the thread. Confused

Mikkalina · 23/10/2016 23:44

He could have borrowed money from you to buy a present for your son.

CalleighDoodle · 23/10/2016 23:56

Place marking for an updating on the shopping trip.

TheStoic · 24/10/2016 01:24

If this issue is important to you, OP, then it's important to you.

But it's not important to everyone, and it may not be important to your partner.

Does he actually know how you feel about the meaning of thoughtful gifts? They mean almost nothing to me, and fortunately my partner seems to be on the same page.

I don't think you should be furious with him, until you have explained to him how it makes you feel and THEN he ignores you.

Google 'the 5 love languages' - it could be eye opening. You and your partner may just be speaking different languages right now.