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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

need to talk - dh let me down badly

70 replies

eagle · 14/06/2004 09:22

Hi everyone, you know me but I have changed my name as I don't want to embarrass my DH.

2 yrs ago I found out he had been emailing other women on websites trying to meet someone for sex. I was devastated - it felt like an affair. He was very sorry and went to great lengths to make it up to me. We spent months going to Relate. I thought we had worked through the problem. He knew how hurt and angry I was and I did tell him that if it ever happened again we would split.

I just discovered he is doing it again. Once again he is very very sorry but I've heard it all before. I feel trapped. I still love him, he is a wonderful husband in every other way and my best friend too. I want to be married to him and would forgive him instantly if I could know for sure that he wold never do it again. I know he loves me and that he is genuinely sorry. But I feel he has this compulsion to do this whenever he is stressed out - it's his fantasy world he escapes to and I don't think he can help it.

Fortunately I don't think he has met anyone in the past, but if he does this again it is only a matter of time. Half of me wants to feel safe and stick to my principles - but we have children who have already had their childhoods disrupted and I feel very strongly that I want to make sure they have a stable home from now on. They have to come first and I have told him that if we have to live together as friends that is what we will do.

Please if anyone guesses who I am don't say, but if you want to listen to my heartbreak then email me direct if you can bear it.

I can't talk to friends and family because I am hoping we can find a way through this but I so need someone to talk to. Thank you my friends xx

OP posts:
Fio2 · 14/06/2004 09:26

so sorry about this you must feel very hurt and betryaed. Have you made the decision not to forgive him or not? Do you think he would actually have sex with these women? or is it all about the chase and having his ego stroked? Sorry about all the questions and I am so sorry this is happening to you

juniper68 · 14/06/2004 09:31

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this xx

You say you could live together as friends but how would you feel if he met someone else? Or you do? I really don't trust him and you sound so unhappy, is it worth it? How old are your young ones as it's better to get out now b4 they get too older if they're young. I'm so sorry I sound so negative but please try to think of yourself and the kids. You will get over this eventually if you make the break.

How would you feel if a good friend were telling you this? What advice would you give? I sometimes feel if I have problems and am in a fog it's better to step back and try to look inwards.

I wish I could give you a big (((((hug)))) or wave a magic wand and make it all better xx

Original poster
eagle · 14/06/2004 09:33

Hi Fio. He says he thinks he needs women to find him attractive so he can feel good about himself. I think there's more to it. He's very stressed and confused. He knows how much damage he has done and is appalled with himself. I could certainly forgive if I could be sure it would never happen again. But if all I am doing is setting myself up for more of this in the future I can't go any further. It would be like giving him the message that what he is doing is OK, he can get away with it, so why stop?

OP posts:
Original poster
eagle · 14/06/2004 09:36

Hi juniper. I agree with much of what you say and I don't think staying together for the children is usually the right idea. But in my case my children have been disappointed in the past and particularly need the stability. And no matter what I will always love and get on with my DH. How would I feel if he went with someone else? It would kill me. But if I live with him normally and he does it that would be even worse, wouldn't it?

OP posts:
Fio2 · 14/06/2004 09:38

so you think he would go as far as to have sex with them though? I suppose it is one thing 'chatting' to someone and another thing actually doing the deed. I am assuming he was very aware how disturbed you were by it the last time and it is very selfish of him to do it again. I really do feel for you.

As for staying together for the childrens sake, do you think it is worth it? You will put your own life on hold for your children. It is not to say they will be any happier if you did live together as 'friends' Sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you deserve some happiness of your own.

I see your dilema with the forgiveness part aswell. You have already forgiven him once and he has repeated his actions

Original poster
eagle · 14/06/2004 09:42

I don't want anyone else, fio. I'd rather live with him as friends than live without him. I love living with him and can't bear to think of waking up without him in the morning. I was a single mum before I met him and I think my children would be devastated if we had to go back to that. They would also never trust a man again.

OP posts:
Fio2 · 14/06/2004 09:44

I dont know what to say. Would you consider relate counselling again? Is it worth trying to save your marriage? I think if you love him this much surely it is worth trying to save? or is it unsaveable?

Original poster
eagle · 14/06/2004 09:44

FWIW I do think he would have progressed on to having sex. When someone gets involved with this sort of thing it never comes to the point when they stop. They just go on, little by little. Can you imagine if he had agreed to meet someone in a hotel? It would be too embarrassing to back down, I think. There would be a natural progression.

OP posts:
juniper68 · 14/06/2004 09:45

Eagle, I would feel exactly the same as you. I love my DH to bits and it would take all my strengh to leave. It would be worse than him dying but I have so much respect for myself I'd have to do it. I know it's easier said than done but I'd be unhappy forever in that marriage as trust is v important to me. I know that if I left I'd be heartbroken but it would heal. I've been through so much in my life that I suppose it's made me hard. I've heard of this and similar things so much that I suppose I've played it in my mind.

Having said that I'm not in your shoes. A friend of mine was, he used to ring a woman from the internet too and even met her. She's stayed and is moderately happy or seems to be.

Fio2 · 14/06/2004 09:45

I am sorry I keep asking you loads of questions! I would make an awful counsellor

jampot · 14/06/2004 09:56

eagle - I don't have direct experience of this but my sister (and I pray she will never see this site) found out her dh has a similar problem with porn. When she first lived with him she would often wake in the night and he would be missing so she would go downstairs and he would have some sky channel on with a sex film showing (but the volume turned down). Also as time went on she would pretend to be asleep on the settee and he would put a cushion in front of her face and switch the channel over. He was always careful not to buy porn magazines though. MOre recently (in the last few years) he has started looking for porn on the internet and always maintains he isn't. Also it came out a few years ago that he used to follow women around the city centre then go back to work and masturbate. we had been talking about people being followed etc and my sis noticed her dh looking uncomfortable so when they went home she confronted him and he admitted it. I still think he does it although my sis isn't so sure. He also ran up a £350 mobile bill in a month through looking at porn on it. The tragic thing is my sis really wanted children but it hasn't happened and she sees it that he has literally flushed them down the loo...

Tessiebear · 14/06/2004 10:01

Eagle, A bit of advice which worked for me:

Could you try and enter into your Husbands fantasy world e.g. Send each other flirty E-Mails etc. Arrange a babysitter and go out on a date together. I know its hard when us women have got so many other things to think about other than the whole sex thing, but for men it is such a big focus of their lives (Sad i know) Just a thought but since i have tried to make more of an effort in that department my DH is a lot more content with our relationship ...

Original poster
eagle · 14/06/2004 10:05

jampot, that's sad. your poor sister.

Fio, I'd gladly go through Relate again if I thought it would change anything. But we've already been down that road.

Before this happened I had been worried about DH for some time. I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown, his work is stressing him out so much. Then a few weeks ago he lost his temper with our teenage daughter and hit her. He was appalled when he finally calmed down. I insisted he go to the doctor. The doctor said it is work related stress and that he may have caught it just in time. He referred him to a counsellor. This is all being arranged. But I now think he needs proper psychotherapy to deal with this. He has a agreed to go to a psychiatrist - he knows he needs to.

He has never hit any of us before this. That's the only reason I'm still here. I feel all of this is just not him and my one hope is that psychotherapy will help him find himself again, so I can have my husband back.

OP posts:
Original poster
eagle · 14/06/2004 10:07

Hi tessiebear. We go out a lot and our sex life is reasonably good as it is. Or was until this happened he says he is totally satisfied with it and can't imagine making love to anyone else. He talks as if he is totally bewildered by his own actions, like someone who's lost their memory - he's more confused than I am.

OP posts:
juniper68 · 14/06/2004 10:09

Is you husband off on sick? If not surely he's entitled to it as he does sound poorly.

juniper68 · 14/06/2004 10:10

Could he be having a breakdown?

Original poster
eagle · 14/06/2004 10:10

We were hoping the doctor would sign him off for a while, but he didn't. It's so obvious that he hates going to work now. Every Sunday evening he gets all grumpy, but on Friday evenings he's the exact opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
eagle · 14/06/2004 10:14

juniper, I've been fearing the same thing for weeks. that's why I'm actually quite sympathetic to what's going on at the moment - I know how much he needs me at the moment but I have told him what a fool he is for alienating me just when he needs me.

I said to him last night, you have just multiplied your stress by ten, how is that a good move?

And had he been successful in lining himself up a meeting with one of these women, he'd then have another whole area of stress to deal with, keeping it a secret, etc. I called him a very rude name .

OP posts:
Fio2 · 14/06/2004 10:14

eagle I would give it time. See how his counselling for himself goes first. I know I sound like I am on his side. I am not, I know how you feel, honestly I do. But if he is on the brink of a nervous breakdown he may be acting out of character. People do really silly things when they are mentally unstable. FWIW I think you can work through this, but of course its going to be hard work. This emailing business may just be a fanatsy, he may have no intention of sleeping with these women. Although I do understand how upset you must be about it, I really do but I think you both do love one another and you must give it your best shot to work if you really want to

Tessiebear · 14/06/2004 10:14

I am sorry Eagle, sounds like all you can do at the moment is stay the same and be there for him (if you really think it is a phase that he will get over)

Blu · 14/06/2004 10:15

Eagle, I'm so sorry, for both of you. he sounds terribly depressed and in need of help. I think it's a really good sign that he agrees that he needs therapy, and it should also help him with his unhappiness with work. So sorry you are having to deal with this - I feel sick and upset on your behalf - you are very brave. If he can get speedy and intensive help with this, and you feel you can support him, you may find the future that you both seem to want. I do wish you luck and strength.

Fio2 · 14/06/2004 10:16

it does sound like he is having a breakdown, sorry my mum nearly had one after her divorce (I think she did have one tbh) and she cant even rememeber half of what she used to do

juniper68 · 14/06/2004 10:16

I just hope he gets all the help he needs and fast. could you go with him to see his GP? Or even contact him/her yourself?

Original poster
eagle · 14/06/2004 10:24

Actually I am quite relieved to read what you have all said. I had already accepted the fact that he was nearing a breakdown. If I could accept that this behaviour is a direct result of that and that as his normal self he woulnd't do such a thing I'd forgive him this minute and give him all the support he needs.

What do people honestly think? Can people really behave so out of character because of a breakdown?

OP posts:
sponge · 14/06/2004 10:28

It seems like there are lots of positive signs here in that you are able to talk about all of this quite openly and each know how the other feels. It doesn't sound like he actually wants to have sex with other women, this is about his confidence and self-esteem at a time when he obviously has some serious problems.
It must be hard but if you can I would try to put the chat room issue to one side for the time being and support him through his crisis until he is more stable whilst making it clear that he mustn't pursue his fantasies either but must focus on getting well.
I know you've had counselling together before but it sounds like it worked, at least for a while. Perhaps you could have some joint sessions again as if the big problem is his self esteem you might learn ways to help him feel less down on himself and therefore remove the necessity for him to look elsewhere.
I'm really sorry you are having to go through this but it wounds as if you have a great relationship in most ways, that he is the one you want (and ultimately you are the one he wants) and that he is worth fighting for. Good luck.