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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need to talk - dh let me down badly

70 replies

eagle · 14/06/2004 09:22

Hi everyone, you know me but I have changed my name as I don't want to embarrass my DH.

2 yrs ago I found out he had been emailing other women on websites trying to meet someone for sex. I was devastated - it felt like an affair. He was very sorry and went to great lengths to make it up to me. We spent months going to Relate. I thought we had worked through the problem. He knew how hurt and angry I was and I did tell him that if it ever happened again we would split.

I just discovered he is doing it again. Once again he is very very sorry but I've heard it all before. I feel trapped. I still love him, he is a wonderful husband in every other way and my best friend too. I want to be married to him and would forgive him instantly if I could know for sure that he wold never do it again. I know he loves me and that he is genuinely sorry. But I feel he has this compulsion to do this whenever he is stressed out - it's his fantasy world he escapes to and I don't think he can help it.

Fortunately I don't think he has met anyone in the past, but if he does this again it is only a matter of time. Half of me wants to feel safe and stick to my principles - but we have children who have already had their childhoods disrupted and I feel very strongly that I want to make sure they have a stable home from now on. They have to come first and I have told him that if we have to live together as friends that is what we will do.

Please if anyone guesses who I am don't say, but if you want to listen to my heartbreak then email me direct if you can bear it.

I can't talk to friends and family because I am hoping we can find a way through this but I so need someone to talk to. Thank you my friends xx

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sponge · 14/06/2004 10:30

sounds as if, not wounds..

Fio2 · 14/06/2004 10:31

yes eagle they can! My Mum was horrendous. She would go out clubbing and bring men back to the house when she was drunk! they were young men aswell, like late teens/early 20's. I hope she never reads this! My boyfriend had to physically remove some of them from the house because me and my younger sister was so upset about it. It was really out of charachter.

I remember there was a parcel delivered to the house for my dad (he had left her for another woman) and she grabbed it out of the parcelmans hand, ran down the path wailing and kicked it down the garden (about 30ft!) You should have seen the parcelmans face. It sounds funny now, and I am laughing but at the time it was scarey. My Mum is a very nice woman but she was just out of control.

Dep[ression makes you do things you wouldnt normally do. Violence being one of them, I suppose that is what you are most upset about?

Original poster

eagle · 14/06/2004 10:32

Thank you sponge. I'm so glad other mners think my marriage has a chance. I was afraid it would all be 'leave the b*' but my DH is normally such a lovely man and it's so helpful to find out that you agree.

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Original poster

eagle · 14/06/2004 10:34

The violence was scary, it was as if he couldn't see. I had to physically pull him off her and afterwards he swore he hadn't hit her, he just couldn't remember it at all.

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katierocket · 14/06/2004 10:34

eagle, not got time to read all the posts to sorry if i'm repeating anything. Just to say, really sorry to hear what you're going through, in answer to your question Yes, breakdowns can definitely make people behave out of character. FIL had one and he did loads of things that were awful. MY DP was close to one I think and was described ADs, he didn't do anything as extreme but I really think counselling will help your DH. good luck xx

Fio2 · 14/06/2004 10:38

when does his conselling start? Has he been prescribed AD's? (although I know they do not suit evryone) I know we managed to get an emergency pyschiatrist to come round the house for my mum to asess her and then she received counselling almost immediately. From what you have wrote I would say he is having a breakdown if he cant remember things. Can you not go back to the doctors to try and get him signed off work if this is the mnain problem?

Original poster

eagle · 14/06/2004 10:42

He's waiting for the clinic to contact him. He hasn't been prescribed ADs at this stage. Our GP tends to refer you to an expert and let them decide what treatment is appropriate.

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Fio2 · 14/06/2004 11:12

could you not contact the clinic and push them along for an appointment? Do they not do a drop in clinic for emergencies? I really think if he is unaware of his actions he does really need to have some time away from work and some treatment for his depression. I hope things work out for you, I really do

Original poster

eagle · 14/06/2004 12:05

I just phoned DH and he says he phoned a private clinic and has booked himself an appointment for tomorrow morning. I said I would go with him if he wanted and he said yes. He sounds so sad, talking in a whispering, defeated voice, not him at all. Hearing him like this actually hurts just as badly as finding out about the emails

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jampot · 14/06/2004 12:09

Eagle - your dh sounds depressed and I feel sad for you both. He must be gutted that he has resorted to the emails but probably relieved that you know and can help him. Good luck to both of you xx

Fio2 · 14/06/2004 12:10

I feel so useless at advice but he has done the right thing. Hopefully he will get assessed and you will know where he can take things from here. I really do hope things work out for you both. At least he has admitted he has got problems, some people dont which is always worse. Hope it goes well and I will be thinking of you both tommorrow. Stray strong xxx

mummytosteven · 14/06/2004 12:15

eagle - if your DH is prescribed ADs they may take 4 - 6 weeks to work, and could have side effects for the first week or two (including a temporary increase in my anxiety). Also in my experience I did not find any dramatic cure straightaway - more a gradual shift from the unbearable to the bearable, so that a few months later you suddenly realise loads better. If one set of ADs don't work/have dodgy side effects, there are loads more that may work better. Apologies if you know all this anyway, just thought it might be useful for you to know what to expect from ADs if you had no experience of them. Hope it goes well for your husband at the clinic tomorrow.

mummytosteven · 14/06/2004 12:16

Oops sorry about the typo in that last one (the "my" that shouldn't have been there ... really must start to preview things before posting

Original poster

eagle · 14/06/2004 13:37

Just spoke to him again and have persuaded him to come home early. He was crying on the phone and I'm afraid he'll break down at his desk. And this is a man who almost never cries.

Thank you for all your replies. you have helped me see past my own upset even more clearly what he is going through. It is enormously helpful.

I'll post again tomorrow about the clinic.

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juniper68 · 14/06/2004 20:10

Awww Eagle that's so sad. I hope and pray he gets good help for all your sakes. Sorry I was so negative to begin with but I didn't realise how seriously ill he is (sounds)

geordiegirl · 14/06/2004 20:50

Eagle you are a very compasionate and caring person, you should be proud of yourself in that you are facing this awful problem head on ( despite the obvious pain to you)and are there to support your DH at probably the time when he needs you most.My dh recently thought he was starting a nervous break down, after an affair which nearly tore us apart-it was such a painful time (and still is) but I can see that although he was not having a break down he was very lost, confused and completly out of touch with reason- I feel now having faced this awful time together that we are getting stronger because of it. I too did not want to give up on us and desperately loved my Dh. there is so much pressure, I feel, from society to walk away (or kick out)a partner who has wronged you (and I can feel your pain from the things you've said)but hold onto the positive things in your relationship, struggling together through this huge challenge will make you closer and stronger. If you want to fight for your marriage do so, regardless of what others might say. (Even if it does not work out- and I strongly hope it will with time and the right help, you will be a better and stronger person for not giving up)It amazes me just how weak men can be- when the going get's tough- it's the tough women who get's going!!I wish you every support and strength with this most difficult time. Thinking of you.

Fio2 · 15/06/2004 14:18

eagle how did things go? and how are you? I hope it wasnt too traumatic for you both. Thinking of you xxx

Original poster

eagle · 15/06/2004 14:50

Hi everyone, thanks for your post, geordiegirl, yes I have been following your thread in my normal guise IYKWIM.

It's not so much that he has wronged me that bothers me, it's the fact that I can't trust him that is the big problem. I can forgive, but I'm certain he'll do it again if this therapy doesn't work. I said so to him and he agreed. Last night he confessed that he'd been on the dating websites in the interval between the first time and this time too. And he only told me that because I looked at some of them and found the dates last visited by him. So he tells me only when I catch him out. I have asked him time and time again to come clean if there is anything else, but the only time he tells me anything is if I catch him. He swears there is nothing else to tell, but how can I know?

He was shaking with nerves before his first session with the psychiatrist today. I went with him and waited in the car. When he came out he was much calmer, said he felt he was going to be able to talk to her and was pleased with how much he had been able to tell her in an hour. Basically he has told her about all the stressful events of recently which have led up to his feeling this way and so he now feels he has made a base from which to work. He goes back next week.

In the meantime I have said that I will support him all the way and that I do love him. But I don't know whether I can keep working for the marriage in the long term or not. I'm so focussed on him at the moment that I can't be sure how I actually feel myself and want to wait and see how he gets on with this treatment before I decide. But I am here and committed to the relationship 100% for the forseeable future.

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Original poster

eagle · 15/06/2004 14:52

I also meant to say, he read this thread last night and was encouraged by what was said on it, so thank you all for that too.

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Kayleigh · 15/06/2004 15:09

eagle, I'm glad your dh feels that the therapy is going to help. Is there any point in this where you can join him? Maybe some joint therapy would help clarify your concerns.

I do hope you can work this out. It does sound like you have a long road though. The hardest thing will be to trust him again.I'm not sure if I was in your situation I would be able to. But that's easy for me to say...

Original poster

eagle · 15/06/2004 15:32

kayleigh, I'd be happy to do anything necessary.

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Kayleigh · 15/06/2004 15:55

I think you have to get straight in your head whether he would have taken this any further. It's one thing to chat on the internet (who are we to talk !!) but it's another to meet with the expectation of sex. (I promise when I do meet-ups I don't expect sex )

Do you think he would have gone through with this ? IMHO there is a line between talking about/looking at sex/porn and actually going through with the act. You have to decide how far down the line you would "allow" your dh to go before he reached the point of no return. For some people this would be the start of the line, for others the end. You are obviously some way down the line. You have to figure out where and make sure your dh knows that if he crosses over there is NO way back.

I hope this isn't too incoherent and is of some help. I so want to help but advice isn't really my forte. Hugs are though. X

Original poster

eagle · 15/06/2004 16:10

Yes, Kayleigh, I know where you're coming from and of course, we do discuss all that. I think we know that the progression would have been inevitable. To me there is no leeway - would you feel happy if you DH was emailing other people asking for a date for a casual relationship - even if you thought he was going to take it no further? I don't think so!

You are lovely just as you are when you are giving advice or not!

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Original poster

eagle · 15/06/2004 16:10

i'm just lucky no one replied to DH, poor old misfit!

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Fio2 · 15/06/2004 16:19

eagle I am glad the session went well for your husband, I have been thinking about you both today. I think you are being very sensible yourself. Of course your husband needs to get better but you shouldnt neglect yourself. Dont think in any way I thought what your husband was doing was 'right' I have just lived with people who are mentally ill and I do know how they behave. I think you are very strong woman and I have nothing but respect for you xxxx

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