need to talk - dh let me down badly

[eagle]

Hi everyone, you know me but I have changed my name as I don't want to embarrass my DH.

2 yrs ago I found out he had been emailing other women on websites trying to meet someone for sex. I was devastated - it felt like an affair. He was very sorry and went to great lengths to make it up to me. We spent months going to Relate. I thought we had worked through the problem. He knew how hurt and angry I was and I did tell him that if it ever happened again we would split.

I just discovered he is doing it again. Once again he is very very sorry but I've heard it all before. I feel trapped. I still love him, he is a wonderful husband in every other way and my best friend too. I want to be married to him and would forgive him instantly if I could know for sure that he wold never do it again. I know he loves me and that he is genuinely sorry. But I feel he has this compulsion to do this whenever he is stressed out - it's his fantasy world he escapes to and I don't think he can help it.

Fortunately I don't think he has met anyone in the past, but if he does this again it is only a matter of time. Half of me wants to feel safe and stick to my principles - but we have children who have already had their childhoods disrupted and I feel very strongly that I want to make sure they have a stable home from now on. They have to come first and I have told him that if we have to live together as friends that is what we will do.

Please if anyone guesses who I am don't say, but if you want to listen to my heartbreak then email me direct if you can bear it.

I can't talk to friends and family because I am hoping we can find a way through this but I so need someone to talk to. Thank you my friends xx

I know, fio, it's a multi faceted problem. All these points are valid, aren'y they?

I'm in a bit of a state today. Last night the stress and hurt got to me and I broke down in tears. This morning I feel awful, so flat and full of despair. DH is back at work, which I don't like as I am worried about his ability to cope. I can't seem to lift myself today.

Oh eagle ((())) you are bound to feel like this. He has betrayed you and you are being so strong for him, but you have got to look after yourself aswell. I have sat here thinking what to suggest but I cant think of anything because I know how you must feel. I would say dont worry about him at work but think about yourself and looking after yourself and your children. Do you think it has come to head with you because you know how long it is going to take and you know there is no guarentee to how you are going to feel at the end of it all?

I think it's because one of my best friends is going through a really bad time at the moment as well. I had email from her last night and it was reading how low she and her DH are that set me off. She is having such a bad time that I can't tell her about my situation, which is difficult since she would normally be the friend I would turn to. She helped me through it all last time he did it.

eagle I dont think just because your best friend is going through a hard time you shouldnt talk to her about your problems. I am sure she would still like to help you. You dont have to put on a brave face you know? You have done nothing wrong, remember that, why should you be ashamed to tell your friends. Your husbands mental health problems has just made things more complicated for you, I realise that

Where is he using the internet? is it at home? if so could you not just cancel the internet and then it would be harder for him to do it? Take away the temptation?? or put a password on so he can't use thre computer? It probably sounds harsh, but all the time you have the internet the temptation is gonna be there for him. kJust a thought, and i am so sorry your having such a rotton time.

Fio, I'm not ashamed to talk to my friend, not at all. But the hard time she is going through makes mine pale into insignificance at the moment and I just want to wait a few days before I put any more on her plate.

Soulfly, yes it's at home he has been doing this. He also wondered if we should password everything so that he can only get on if I enter a password for him, that way he would only be able to go on when I'm here and conduct banking business etc. It's something we could do as a last resort but it'd be very preferable to deal with the reasons for his doing it and try to rid him of the compulsion. So that is what we're trying first.

I agree eagle that you should try to 'rid' him of doing this. Does he have internet access at work though? and do you think he would do something like that at work? I am only saying that because that is why he needs to STOP altogether rather than YOU having to try and control it. And at the end of the day you shouldnt have to control it, he should in the cold light of day be able to control it himself.

I am glad you are not ashamed to talk about it, you sound a very considerate friend

I don't think he can get on the internet at work apart from sending email. But if he could he would never do such a thing at work.

It was just an idea. hope you can sort it out.

Yes, sobernow. He explains it in similar terms to what you've said. What he can't explain is why he went back to doing it after all the turmoil and pain last time, rather than doing something else to forget himself. He knows how much he has risked and how much upset he caused and he says he didn't really want to go with other women anyway, and he just can't understand his own behaviour. So we are hoping the psychotherapy will help him make sense of it all.

He would most certainly like to be at home, and we were hoping the doctor would sign him off when DH went to see him two weeks ago, but he didn't. I think DH was doing his usual thing of seeming confident and in control when he went to the doctor. Do you think if he went again and gave the doctor an update he might get signed off? I think the time to rest and think would be enormously beneficial.

Agree with sobernow. Don't think him being at work is going to help at all. He needs a break from the causes of the stress. And some time for the two of you to be together would be a definite bonus.

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Hi secur, thanks for your support. Just for the record, DH has experienced the sharp end of my tongue a few times in the last few days. But in the end I just keep thinking, everything was said the first time he did it, so what's the point. It all hangs on whether the therapy can change his patterns or not, really.

Just took delivery of a beautiful bouquet of flowers. He's trying so hard. It just made me feel sad though

I don't see much point in passwording the computer. As others have said he's got to get to the bottom of why he takes this approach to escape and find ways to stop himself. It's obvioulsy a compulsion with him that he chooses this route to escapism, and he needs to find ways to control it. Hopefully this will come about with his therapy.
If you cut off access the danger is that he just finds somewhere else to do it - work, which could get him in trouble there, or an internet cafe say - and then you have less control, not more.
I know you are hurt but this really doens't sound like it is about you or your relationship. It is an illness that needs treatment.
Are you going to have any sessions together? It sounds as if you might benefit from sharing some of your thoughts and concerns with him in the neutral environment of his therapy.
Good luck.

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Sponge, I do agree with you about the likelihood of his finding another way of doing it if I password the computer. The same thought occurred to me. I really want to avoid treating him like a child too.

I'll certainly attend therapy with him if the therapist thinks it appropriate.

Hi secur, thanks for your views.