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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I deal with this? OH arranging secret meet up with ex

81 replies

poisonedarrow · 17/10/2016 11:09

NC'd for this as don't want to be identified.

My OH of 5 years has lots of female friends. Some of them seem to have romantic feelings towards him but I don't think he realises. As I know he chooses to be with me, I feel a bit cautious about those ones who might like to try to turn his head but mostly confident in these friendships. After all, if he wants to be with anyone else, he'll do that, won't he?
However, recently I saw on his phone (I sometimes look at it - maybe I'm not as confident as I say...) that he's arranged a meet up with an exgf of his that I explicitly said I wasn't comfortable him becoming friends again with. She sends him texts saying she's thinking of their time together etc, etc - she wants him not his friendship. I don't see him flirting back (I'm very annoyed that he hasn't mentioned he's in a relationship) but I'm really upset that he's arranged to meet her. He's made this secret date for when I'm out one day this week too. I expect the silly bugger is blind to her come ons (as he is with the others) but as I said I really didn't want him to be in contact with this one I am really fed up that he's doing this.
Now, I really don't want to admit to looking at his phone, so how do I deal with this? Thanks for your understanding replies.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 18/10/2016 14:27

Sorry OP, but he knows exactly what he's doing. That's why he's not told you.

When people hide stuff like this, they have something to hide.

Dowser · 18/10/2016 15:14

I don't think it looks pathetic.
It looks like you're not going to take any shit from either of them.

Dowser · 18/10/2016 15:17

Exactly Amarok and I'd be bringing their sorry little game to a full and final close.

It's sneaky and sneaky leads to lies and lies lead to infidelity.
I've got loads of male friends. I'm in touch with them all of the time. My dh has met each and everyone of them .
Everything open and above board ...just as it should be.

Original poster

poisonedarrow · 18/10/2016 15:55

I'd say that with two of the other female friends they've made it clear that they were unhappy when we got together and had originally thought they might stand a chance. Maybe they hang around hoping to get in there still. There's no flirtation from him at all but he likes their friendship (and maybe the attention).

Honestly, I have accepted that he will have these girl friends and if he wanted to be with them then he'd go and do that. He's had chances in the past and not seized them. I just feel unsettled about this exgf and the secrecy.

We are both at home today and I have tried and tried to muster up the courage to say something but I feel almost paralysed to do so. I agree, it doesn't look good that he's being secretive and I want to bring this to his attention so that, whether It's innocent or not, he can understand the impact this behaviour has on me and our relationship. Hopefully he'll wind it up and we can go back to how we were.

So, why can't I get it out?

OP posts:

over89 · 18/10/2016 16:15

I'm in a similar situation. I looked at my partners phone as I'm a very suspicious and insecure person. Due to my ex. I didn't find anything recent but I did find he had been messaging girls when we were on a break - not split up, on a break. I've asked him in the past if he chatted too anyone when we were having some space and he swore he didn't..... but he did.

I've not said anything to him as I know it will just cause an argument and it's a scary thing. Telling your boyfriend you've looked through his phone, I know he won't be happy that I've done that.

I think you are going to drive yourself crazy if you don't say anything, just prepare yourself for all reactions you may get off him.

Does he know you look through his phone? Like if you needed to check something on google and your phone was in a different room, would you just use his in front of him? Does he use your phone for anything?

Just remember he is he one that has done wrong, he's been in contact with a woman you are uncomfortable with him speaking too. He knew this but has continued to talk to her and even arranged to meet. You need to be strong and just get it over with x

Happybunny19 · 18/10/2016 16:18

Shovetheholly, yeah thanks it did really help and I can't believe I let it go that long. We talk very openly normally but this really unnerved me. I found it really hard to admit to feeling so vulnerable in the relationship and that was the hardest thing to admit and talk about. He was so shocked and is going out of his way to reassure me now.

It's funny that I actually felt guilty for knowing what I perceived to be this big secret.

I really hope the op gets some clarity too. It worries me that some advice given here is overcomplicating the situation. Watching from a nearby venue is really taking it too far IMO.

Dozer · 18/10/2016 16:19

Leopards don't change their spots.

He was unfaithful to his last gf with you, the OW, and still cultivates "friendships" with women who seem attracted to him.

Trusting him would be foolish. How draining to be with someone like that.

Happybunny19 · 18/10/2016 16:28

Op I know only too well how difficult it is to raise the subject. I've really felt the need to bring it up recently and drafted an email detailing what I found and all my fears, but just couldn't muster up the courage to send it. I worried it would lead to an argument.

I have you to thank for writing this thread. It started the conversation I just couldn't raise without the fear of seeming accusing and getting his back up. Is there any way you can use a similar tactic? I have a friend type thing.

Desmondo2016 · 18/10/2016 16:38

It comes across like you think he's some massive prize that you're hoping you can hold on to. That's not a relationship! Even if he cancels this meeting, there'll be another one with another girl at some point in the (not too distant) future for sure.

In what universe would someone genuinely not realise that planning a meet up with an ex who has been extremely obvious in her desires and not mentioning it to the current partner is unacceptable. He hasn't 'forgotten' to mention it to you. It hasn't slipped his mind. He doesn't want you to know. Which leads on to 2 points.
A) Why doesn't he want you to know. Is it not actually quite as innocent in his mind either?

B) He knows that you would be peed off at him making the plans with her but he's going ahead and doing it anyway. Nice one boyfriend, thanks a bunch...

Just ask him what his plans are that day. He'll lie. Tell him you know he's lying because you looked at his phone then end the relationship. He sounds like a nob anyway with his harem of ex's hanging off his every word. I can't be arsed with shit non relationships like this.

happypoobum · 18/10/2016 16:49

I see - so when you stopped being OW and got into a relationship with him you created a vacancy that is waiting to be filled.

ayeokthen · 18/10/2016 16:53

I guess I'm suspicious because I was one of those female friends once. I liked him and he left his then girlfriend for me when our friendship grew into something else. If he could do it then, he could do it now, maybe
I do believe that is called karma. You weren't bothered when it was you doing what this woman is doing, and if he does leave it's what he did before and you were happy with it then.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/10/2016 16:59

Naughty, naughty, Poobum ! 😮

Original poster

poisonedarrow · 18/10/2016 17:08

Just to clarify, I was not the OW! He ended it with his girlfriend before anything happened with me. I didn't make that clear. We were friends but that's all.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 18/10/2016 17:16

This is what you said I liked him and he left his then girlfriend for me when our friendship grew into something else. If he could do it then, he could do it now, maybe.

You can dress it up how you like, even if nothing physical had happened between you, it's still exactly the situation you now find yourself in.

ayeokthen · 18/10/2016 17:19

Nothing has happened with this woman, yet you're still bothered by her. Curiously is she the ex he left for you?

Dozer · 18/10/2016 17:59

Ah, that old chestnut!

If he "moved on" from his ex to you that fast, it was always a potential sexual relationship, not friendshup.

ayeokthen · 18/10/2016 18:11

Emotional affair I believe is the term.

WombOfOnesOwn · 18/10/2016 19:28

Many men use this kind of harem of female friends as a way of keeping their partner or wife "in line." By making sure that there are always women he could cheat with if he pleased, he ensures that you do whatever he wants. He has you just where he wants you. What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

ayeokthen · 18/10/2016 19:44

And of course the women are always completely innocent victims of the evil man aren't they

myfriendnigel · 18/10/2016 19:46

I think you'll just have toast him what his plans are when you are away. It's not going to kiss him off that you are asking a perfectly innocent question. See what he says and take it from there.

MistressDeeCee · 20/10/2016 00:02

He ended it with his girlfriend before anything happened with me. I didn't make that clear. We were friends but that's all

Oh.

So - he split with his girlfriend and moved on to one of his female friends. Well then..

LellyMcKelly · 20/10/2016 00:40

You've got yourself a player. I'd pitch up at their secret date if I were you.

Kateallison16 · 20/10/2016 03:14

If this were me op I'd grab my bestie, hoods and sunnies and go on a stake out... but then I have a flare for the dramatics.

In all seriousness though, drop it into conversation "what are you up to would you mind picking up some food shopping if you aren't busy"

If he's got nothing to hide he will say "well I was meeting up with whats-her-name for lunch, but yeah can pick food up on the way home"

If he lies/hides the truth then you know what you're dealing with.

AnyFucker · 20/10/2016 04:07

Well, you got the booby prize didn't you ?

You "won" an untrustworthy player from his previous gf and it seems he has others lined up to take your place at any time

He must have a diamond studded cock

Pagwatch · 20/10/2016 05:46

This must be hard for you as you have over a period of years, convinced yourself that he is a prize to be won.
I understand your desire to see him as some kind of hapless innocent in this but there is a cumulative effect which points to the opposite.

You can't work down the list of ways in which he is betraying you and figure out whether it is bad enough to finish it. You need to use what you know to reframe your view of him.
He isn't being persued without realising it by a harem of women.

He is accepting the romantic attention of an ex. This ex is one he knows you worry about.
He is communicating secretly.
He has not told her you exist
He is lying by omission and is arranging clandestine meetings.
All of this echos how he dumped his previous girlfriend for you.

That's not some bumbling boyish charmer being persued without realising.

Whatever you chose to do about the behaviour and however you view his guilt or innocence it is probably worth realising that you see him through rose tinted specs.

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