How do I deal with this? OH arranging secret meet up with ex

[poisonedarrow]

NC'd for this as don't want to be identified.

My OH of 5 years has lots of female friends. Some of them seem to have romantic feelings towards him but I don't think he realises. As I know he chooses to be with me, I feel a bit cautious about those ones who might like to try to turn his head but mostly confident in these friendships. After all, if he wants to be with anyone else, he'll do that, won't he?
However, recently I saw on his phone (I sometimes look at it - maybe I'm not as confident as I say...) that he's arranged a meet up with an exgf of his that I explicitly said I wasn't comfortable him becoming friends again with. She sends him texts saying she's thinking of their time together etc, etc - she wants him not his friendship. I don't see him flirting back (I'm very annoyed that he hasn't mentioned he's in a relationship) but I'm really upset that he's arranged to meet her. He's made this secret date for when I'm out one day this week too. I expect the silly bugger is blind to her come ons (as he is with the others) but as I said I really didn't want him to be in contact with this one I am really fed up that he's doing this.
Now, I really don't want to admit to looking at his phone, so how do I deal with this? Thanks for your understanding replies.

What day is the planned meet up?

If at all possible, I'd be tempted to keep quiet. Ask him that morning what his plans for the day are. Go along to the venue and see for myself (from a distance) what is going on.

My OH of 5 years has lots of female friends. Some of them seem to have romantic feelings towards him but I don't think he realises

^ Oh yes he does.

Yet another guy with a "harem2 of ego-stroking womenfriends. Let those women waste their time doing the pick-me dance for a man who likes to keep them dangling and needs female validation like he needs blood. You can step out of the game

I don't care what reasons a man gives for having loads of womenfriends "theyve all been my friends for years/I get on better with women" blah blah blah - men like this make crap lifepartners they're a pain in the arse. Encouraging the ex is horrible, and par for the course. He's the one giving her hope he hasn't told her not to contact with inappropriate messages as he doesn't see them as inappropriate.

& in fact he's going to meet up with her so that tells you all you need to know about him and his adulation needs

If you leave him he will likely beg you to come back - you are necessary in the game. He won't swerve his ex for you tho, although he may promise you he will. The game will resume quicker than you think it will

No man is worth this hassle. At all. Find one who is content with having a relationship with you, not one with hangers on and shadows everywhere

mistress I don't care what reasons a man gives for having loads of women friends "theyve all been my friends for years/I get on better with women" blah blah blah - men like this make crap lifepartners they're a pain in the arse. Presumably, it works the other way, and any woman that has male friends would make a crap life partner for a man too?

Are you saying that, automatically, any man that has female friends is a crap life partner? In many cases, they make BETTER life partners because they are far more respectful and empathetic towards women.

After five years together I would expect far better than this. The fact he hasn't even told his ex he is in a relationship with you is very telling

It's one thing to have female friends, quite another to be receiving ego strokes from women/exes who bang on about "missing their time together" and explicitly saying that they don't want friendship, they want him

If you really want to stick with him you need to tell him how unhappy it makes you, and see how he reacts. But he has lied by omission and I am not sure you really trust him do you?

It's one thing to be blissfully unaware that someone fancies you if they don't indicate that in any way, but this woman is telling him word-for-word that she wants him. He isn't putting her off. He's arranged a date with her - yes, it's a date - when you're not there. He knows you're very uncomfortable about him staying friends with her and so he's arranged it in secret.

Ask him about his plans for the week. If he doesn't mention he's seeing her then you really have a decision to make.

ShatnersWig you can read plainly what I said so you don't need to ask me about it. Im not interested in your projection. Men with loads of womenfriends tend to be creeps, mostly don't have many male friends as (a) men can see right thru their game and (b) creeps don't want to be found out, they're invested in hanging around women and getting their ego stroked.

Its perfectly possible for a man to be emphatic to women without having loads of womenfriends. Don't delude yourself

Interesting that instead of advising the OP - who, after all, is the one with an issue - you've landed here and taken up on what Ive said. The post is not about you, but you could aim to give OP some advice thats what its about

Mistress Why is it projecting? You are clearly projecting - or at very least generalising wildly - by saying men with loads of women friends tend to be creeps.

And had you actually read the full thread, you'd have seen I gave advice to the OP before you did. HTH.

The litmus text on this would be to ask him what he's going to be doing when you are out.

If he lies, he knows it's because he's crossing your boundaries but is making the conscious choice to disregard your feelings.

It one thing to lie by ommision which is still lying but easier to make excuses for, it's a whole new level to lie to your face and deceive. Neither is acceptable to me btw.

You have told him how you feel about her and that should be enough. He is hiding this from you because he knows you don't want him to meet up or have conversations that are inappropriate with her. He knows what he is doing and where this could all go.
He is playing with fire and he knows it.

MistressDeeCee ShatnersWig

If you 2 want to have an argument/conversation why not do it in private messages instead of ignoring the OP and having your own conversation.

Sorry you're going through this op. It's hard enough without the secretiveness by the sounds of it.
What jumps out of your post is that he's intentionally ignoring your feelings and has responded to a call for more than friendship, when the only answer is "as you know I'm in a relationship already. I can't be friends with you if you want more than that". It's that simple in my book and I wish I'd known that before I got married. Exh started out like that and it escalated to infidelity (of course).
I'm sorry if you love him but is this what you want from a relationship? Doubt, insecurity, not feeling like you're being taken into account, feeling sick wondering what he's going to do? I think you deserve much, much better...

You don't say where you are going, or with whom. Could it perhaps be a case of tit for tat in his eyes? Have you discussed with him whether he is okay with whoever you socialise with? This could be way off the mark, but you never know.

Assuming he's not trying to make some kind of (childish) retaliatory point about who you go out with, I think I'd ask him if he had any plans, then if he said no, cancel yours at the last minute and suggest you go out/stay in together and see if that throws him into confusion or triggers a load of messages or calls.

whattodowiththepoo I responded to OP's dilemma, which is what this post is about after all. Since Shatner then commented to me I commented back. I don't know him/her at all and thats the end of it for me Im not interested in what s/he is on about

Anyway

OP your man already knows you aren't comfortable with him being friends with this lady. & now he's arranged a secret date. In your shoes Id tell him I know, and how I feel. Wrong to go through his 'phone, but wrong of him to be secretive. Albeit he could say he is being secretive because you are suspicious - but if you know very well he has given you cause to be suspicious then stand your ground and don't be wrongfooted

You could do better than all this to put up with tho

I've been awake (over)thinking about this most of the night. The way I see it is that there needs to be a conversation about this but:

• either I say something now and put a stop to it
• or I wait until he's met up with her and either comes clean or lies about it.

One means our relationship stands a chance and the other is less likely. In the small hope that he is unaware of the come ons and flirtiness I'd love to try and salvage this. I know it'll probably get minimised (someone said earlier about a script?) and I'll be left feeling like I need to keep an eye on things...

I feel pretty miserable about it all. It's not like me to be like this. We've only just moved in together as well ☹️️

Oh and to answer a few things, I'll be working when they are due to meet up and couldn't really (and wouldn't want to) change that/spy on him etc

OP. I get that there will be a lot of people advising 'reason' on this thread but as someone who has been cheated on more than once in very longterm relationships and has within the last five years found myself in a pretty similar situation to yours...I kicked off like unholy Hell.
I think my DH was very surprised to see my depth of feeling about the situation and knocked it on the head straightaway. He hadn't arranged to meet up with anyone but he was continuing to engage with a woman who was on a mission to get him to meet her.
So my advice is not to tread softly, confront him and tell him under no certain circumtances is he to go through with this meet if he wants to continue in a relationship with you.

you could pick up his unlocked phone and message her...I understand you are meeting my dp, as he has forgotten to mention this to me, I can only deduce that this is a clandestine meeting. As I value total honesty and commitment in my relationships all I want from you is your address so I know where to drop his bags that I am in the process of packing.

That should bring it out in the open op.

That was in response to all new red fairy's post.
When she tells dp as she will and when it kicks off as it will just stick to your guns.

I'm not being in a relationship with someone who doesn't show me the slightest courtesy of saying I'm meeting so and so today.

If he doesn't like it...well you've dodged a bullet and he can fuck off to the far end of fuck.

Look at you op, you haven't slept all night. You don't want to spend precious years with a tosser.

I absolutely DON'T think you should message her. First of all, if she's as much of a cow as you say, I think she'll be delighted that you are jealous. Secondly, it is undignified and creates unnecessary drama.

Just talk to him about it. There is a chance that he's a bastard who is setting up a scenario to cheat. There is also a chance that he's not told you because he knows it will upset you, feels some responsibility to this woman, and is trying to square the circle by simply not telling you about it. I am NOT justifying his behaviour in the latter case - I think he ought to be honest with you. But not telling you about a meeting with a friend over coffee is very different to sneaking around with a clandestine lover. The former can easily be got over, the latter not so much.

Insisting on openness, transparency is the only way forward.

Shovetheholly is spot on here. Do not contact the woman, it'll make you look pathetic and she'll feel empowered by that. If she is trying to get him back she could use that to her advantage.

I too think you should just speak to him about it now. It's obviously bothering you greatly and you say he leaves his phone around unblocked, so it seems unlikely he'll be overly bothered that you looked. You're better off knowing why he's agreed to meet up whatever the reason.

I fully understand why you're reluctant though. I found some emails a few years ago between my oh and an old flame. There wasn't any flirting but she has continued to send the odd card over the years (we've been together for 22 years). I knew about those obviously, but I didn't know they were texting and emailing. I found out after having our first child and felt too insecure to raise the subject. I just kept watch and nothing developed. She had suggested they meet up and sent him a photo, which really got me worried. Then a year or so later a mystery valentines card arrived for him and he really seemed confused about who it was from (was convinced it was me pissing around). I only told him I found the communications last night after we read your thread and it was such a relief to finally discuss it.

It turns out he genuinely thought he'd told me they'd continued occasional contact and there's nothing else to it. He couldn't believe I was threatened by it and left it so long to talk to him. I must admit I was surprised that I could keep it all in for seven years. I'm fine now, especially after speaking to him, plus I've recently seen pictures of her online and realised she's not worth worrying about.

My point is men can be dense sometimes and oblivious to obvious signs of a come on too. It isn't always the worst case scenario. I hope you find that too.

happybunny - wow, I'm really glad this thread got you to have that conversation. It sounds like it's really cleared the air.

I think that men sometimes develop a sense of responsibility for exes, particularly if they are a bit vulnerable. It doesn't mean there's any attraction there, but it can be an effect of guilt after a breakup, or simply of someone who makes an appeal that they don't they can turn down. I am bessie mates with my DH's ex, and they were close in the kind of 'meet for coffee' way when we started seeing each other. I was very suspicious and found it odd and upsetting for a time (and he made it worse by not telling me they were meeting and leaving me to find out in other ways) but as I got to know her and her situation, and understood the situation a bit better, I really understood. I became her friend in time and I am far closer to her now than he is - she's a great friend to me and I hope I am to her as well.

This has really frustrated me. If this were me I'd be saying something for sure. Id be angry he's even been messaging this woman? He's already betrayed you by doing that in my eyes. If any of my partners exs - unfortunately there is a lot of them - messaged him and he messaged them back then I'd be ending the relationship. Don't let him do this to you, he's walking all over you. I might sound harsh but my ex treated me like his for 7 years. I have become well and truly damaged over it. If my partner even messages another women then we would be done, end of. If your in a relationship you respect the person you are with 100%.

Let him go and meet her, see what he says at the end of the day. I would send him a nice sweet romantic text or something when you know he is going to be with her.

Wether he admits to it or not, he still shouldn't be messaging this woman in the first place in my eyes

Suspect there will have been behaviour or incidents about women before you've had a hunch he might not be trustworthy, but ignored.

My DH is sociable and has lots of friends of both sexes, sometimes meets up with longstanding female friends for lunch or whatever, but despite him being a gorgeous Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones type (biased, moi?) I've never had reason to think any of the friends want or are trying to shag or steal him, or vice versa.

Whenever I had doubts in the past about a bf's commitment or fidelity, the hunch was right.

Why and from whom do you get the impression that these OW are after your partner; and that he is unaware? (IMO the latter is very unlikely!).

I'd have to just ask him what he's doing that day.
If he's totally innocent and unaware of her interest in him then he'll tell you surely? If he lies then you'll know he knows it's wrong and shouldn't be doing it.

That's what I said upthread rainbowstardrops

If he says, that's better.

If he doesn't say, it's because he's overstepping the mark and knows it otherwise he wouldn't need to lie.