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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and best friend

65 replies

LoisEinhorn · 17/10/2016 10:50

So saturday night I caught my husband and best friend having a fumble. To me its just as bad as full sex, they've betrayed me big time. I'm not sure I can forgive my husband, we've had such a close marriage (almost 19 years) we have 4 kids.
Ive told him its over, I can't see a way back. I'm heartbroken. I know its a cliche but its really not like him to do this. Lots of alcohol was involved but that's no excuse.
He's on the sofa, we haven't said anything to the kids except the oldest who is an adult.
Ex friend didn't even remember it happening. That makes it worse in a way.
Just feeling numb and in limbo

OP posts:

Stilltryingtobeme · 17/10/2016 10:52

I've got no advice per se, but wanted to say I'm here. Talk away, what a spectacularly shit thing to do. Alcohol is no excuse. I really feel for you. So sorry you're going through this

Somerville · 17/10/2016 10:55

God, that's horrible, I'm so sorry.

Is him sleeping on the sofa far enough away? Would him leaving the family home give you more time and space to think?

Also, sorry, but I think I would be wondering whether this was something that had happened before..?

It will be hard when you feel so doubly betrayed, but talking to someone you trust will help.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/10/2016 11:35

Try not to make any rash decisions or knee-jerk reactions right now.
Really think about what happened and what you want to happen now.
This is your life and your decision to give yourself a bit of head-space and time out.

SheldonsSpot · 17/10/2016 11:39

When you say a fumble - what do you mean?

Given your friend claims to not remember, was she even aware and/or consenting?

I'd be telling him to find somewhere else to live while you get some space to work out what you saw and where you want to go from here.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 17/10/2016 11:45

Are you sure you're not having a knee-jerk, massive over-reaction here OP?
I don't mean to minimise the shock or hurt you obviously feel, but a drunken fumble is hardly the same as a full-on sexual relationship.

This may have been just a one-off, silly spur of the moment thing. Are you sure you want to end a 19-year marriage over this? And if your friend can't even remember it I do wonder whether you are giving this - admittedly wrong - incident way too much significance?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 17/10/2016 11:47

He has broken his vows. .
No way would I forgive this.

Massive betrayal beyond repair imo.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 17/10/2016 11:49

I've distanced myself from a so called best friend who kept denying she didn't fancy my dh but once turned up on a Sunday with red lipstick asking me in front of him how she looked. I think as another poster said it could have happened before or you could have just been fortunate to find them doing it the once. Either way it's betrayal and he needs to move out.

adora1 · 17/10/2016 11:52

Not making excuses for what is really shitty behaviour but once you put alcohol in the mix people can and do act out of character - I guess you have to calculate how much of a betrayal you see this as - and if I did give him a second chance, he's have to stay away from alcohol as obviously he can't be trusted to behave himself.

nervoussam · 17/10/2016 12:20

Alcohol or not, this would totally devastate me. There are no excuses.

Were you out or at home? Just wondering how brazen or secretive they were with it.

I wouldn't believe for a minute that your friend doesn't remember it, that's just her way of shirking the blame, I'd be furious with her and doubly so because she can't even admit to it. To have lost her memory like that she wouldn't have been capable of a "fumble" I'd say. Its just convenience for her.

What's been your husband's reaction since?

ineedabodytransplant · 17/10/2016 12:38

In all the years I was married I never once had a fumble with one of my wife's friends. Even though some were very friendly it never entered my head to play around, even after a good drink. Why would any bloke think that just because it's a friend it's easy pickings and takes two to tango as they say so something must be going on both ways.

Not remembering is a good excuse.

AyeAmarok · 17/10/2016 12:44

Alcohol is no excuse to have a drunken fumble with someone else when you're married.

Plus, what if OP hadn't walked in, how much further would it have gone? Probably full sex.

Mix56 · 17/10/2016 12:51

the best friend is lying.
Your OH & she must have been flirting/attracted for a fair time.
They both are untrustworthy. I think your H should be told to find alternative lodgings, & give you time to decide if you want to live with the sad bastard

Ellarose85 · 17/10/2016 12:58

Sorry this has happened OP

The friend not remembering a thing is a convient way for her to try to wiggle her way out of what she's done. I've been mind blowingly drunk around my friends partners in the past and I've never had a fumble with any of them.

I would be beyond fuming with my DH if this was me.

Take some time to think about where you go from here and ask him to give you all the space you need.

shovetheholly · 17/10/2016 13:00

I'm so, so sorry. I would be devastated too, so I don't think you are overreacting.

I agree with ellarose that amnesia seems convenient.

loveyoutothemoon · 17/10/2016 14:02

Are you for real ohnonotmybaby

OhNoNotMyBaby · 17/10/2016 14:09

Indeed, I am for real Loveyoutothemoon. And I don't need sarcastic comments from you or anyone else.

And as someone who has been through a divorce I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's horrendous. No-one is perfect. No-one. And if a marriage has been good for 19 years I would say it's probably worth trying to save it. Not kick the bastard out without at least one or two discussions about whether the relationship could be retrieved.

sophiestew · 17/10/2016 14:10

Agree with PP, how bloody convenient that your friend claims she doesn't remember anything? What an absolute cow. Is she single?

So sorry this has happened. I have been drunk as anything but never felt the need to cheat on anyone so the alcohol really wouldn't excuse it in my book.

I think the real problem for me would be that I know I would never trust him again, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I had no trust. I would drive myself crazy with suspicion every time he got a text, mentioned someone at work, went for a night out........

Do you have RL support? I bet he doesn't want you to tell anyone, but I would tell my friends and family. Sod what they think of him/her, they deserve it and you need the support.

adora1 · 17/10/2016 14:14

I agree OhNoNotMyBaby - you talk a lot of sense.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 17/10/2016 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fbreading · 17/10/2016 14:32

I also agree with ohnonotmybaby. A fumble wouldnt be enough for me to end my 35-year for the most part happy, and hitherto faithful relationship.

I've also been on the receiving end of my best friend's husband's drunken attempts at a grope. It means absolutely nothing and in fact my friend and I laugh about it in a rolling eyes here he goes again way. We've all been friends for 25 years.

happypoobum · 17/10/2016 14:36

I do agree that "everyone has their own threshold/tolerance" etc. We all have different standards and boundaries.

However, OP has already stated To me its just as bad as full sex, they've betrayed me big time. and Ive told him its over, I can't see a way back and I have to say I would feel exactly the same. I wouldn't want to be with man I couldn't trust, so the relationship would be immediately over for me. I also agree with posters regarding the BF claiming she doesn't remember anything - utter bollocks.

What are you going to do OP? Do you own your home? Is the so called friend in a relationship? You are probably in shock at the betrayal so be really kind and gentle with yourself.

TheNaze73 · 17/10/2016 14:46

I have to say, I think it's as bad as DTD.

Your friend is abhorrent. There are Ni excuses

adora1 · 17/10/2016 14:51

Blackouts are common when you've had too much booze as is not remembering so I wouldn't automatically assume the friend does actually remember.

I agree it's shocking, terrible but if he's normally a good guy and you are a good team there may be a way to stay together, and for me, the alcohol would be a big decider, in other words, if he's normally trustworthy then I'd not write off a marriage based on one fuck up.

mumofthemonsters808 · 17/10/2016 14:52

I don't care how much alcohol was involved, it's not acceptable and the "I can't remember a thing" what a great defence.You will probably find there's a lot more to this.Im sorry you are having to deal with this type of thing.

MistressDeeCee · 17/10/2016 14:56

This will be hard to forgive and could kill your marriage anyway

She's your best friend - its not as if you aren't going to come across her in the future or that your DH won't ever set eyes on her again. She isn't a stranger! & it could play over & over in your mind

Really sorry to hear this has happened. Alcohol is NO excuse lots of people have a drink, get tipsy, get drunk and iit doesn't equate to them having a fumble with their partner's friend, if indeed anybody at all. If it were the case everybody would be at it the minute they got drunk

19 years is a long time, you may not want to give up on your marriage. But if keeping the marriage Id say get rid of your friend. They're both to blame but there's no point her being around if she's the one your DH fumbled with is there, too much of a reminder and anyway you'll only be resenting her. So a fresh start needs her well out of the equasion. & you tackling your DH on his lack of boundaries and respect

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